Friendship on Fire (46 page)

The ‘new' me wanted answers.

‘Ouch. What's he told you?'

‘Don't try to match up stories, Rachael. Tell me the truth once and for all.'

‘The beach was the first time for
that
, if that's what you mean,' she said dryly.

‘I mean any type of hooking up. When did you start to overstep the friendship lines, knowing he and I were together?' It pained me to even ask and I grew impatient at her stalling.

‘There aren't any lines, as I've learnt,' she replied. ‘It's all relative.'

Had she been brainwashed?

‘So, all along, everything between us was a lie to keep me in the dark? My birthday present, the girls' night at the movies, all those nights Nate was spending with his mum or dad? You coming to my soccer match? No wait, that was to see Nate, while I was passed out on the grass. This makes sense now.'

Bitterness seeped into the edges of my mouth and my heart ached with the new knowledge that both my relationships had been a lie for much longer than I thought.

‘Daisy, I never intended to …' she began weakly.

‘Intentions mean nothing if you can't control yourself. What did I ever do to you to push you to stab me in the back like that?' My voice reached breaking point.

If she could shrug over the phone I would've heard it. ‘Nothing, directly. Nate was very charming and his friends were nice …'

I had to interrupt her. ‘How long have you been in their friendship circle? Have you been to his house?'

‘Yeah, we'd have parties there all the time. He said you two weren't official and made it sound like you spent most of your time fighting and were on and off. He said you were happy for him to see other people.'

‘And you didn't think to ask my opinion on that? I don't know you anymore. Do you think for one second I'd date a guy who wanted to date other girls? Let alone my best friend? I don't feel like I ever knew you.'

‘I guess not. Not that you wanted to know me anymore after getting a guy anyway. You changed too, Daisy. Don't try to blame all this on me,' she spat. She sounded like she'd been saving that up to tell me for a long time.

‘You are unbelievable.' I nearly screamed down the phone at her. ‘This is not my fault. Don't try to push your guilt on to me.'

‘I'm not guilty, honey. Nate misfed me the information and I didn't hear boo from you, so go cry to him and let him be the villain. Maybe now that you have more time on your hands, we can try to be friends again. Get back on track.'

‘There is no way we can recover from this. You're as bad as him,' I said in a low voice.

‘Whatever helps you sleep at night, Daisy,' she said sweetly.

We weren't getting anywhere with this conversation. As much as it hurt me to realise I wouldn't talk to Rachael ever again, I had to get off the phone. Before my heart ripped any further, or I cried.

‘Goodbye, Rachael. I hope you find yourself again.' Before she had a chance to answer, I hung up.

Grieving for my lost friend, I tried to keep myself busy by packing my suitcase for the return trip tomorrow. I soon found I couldn't fold my clothes properly and couldn't see through my ever present bubbles of tears. Exhausted, I lay down on my bunk and cried myself to sleep.

‘That
does
suck. Honestly, it's the way of life with friends and men.'

Sarah pursed her lips with resignation. It was the day before term three would begin and I needed Sarah's ear for sympathy and encouragement or I swore I'd quit school and hide in the house until I was twenty-one.

‘Why didn't anyone tell me boys were like that before, you know …?' I asked her, frustration pouring out of my voice. ‘It would help with the whole stupid feeling ruining my life at the moment.'

‘You didn't tell anyone you were going to …' she began.

‘Except you,' I finished.

She threw her hands up in defence. ‘Hey, don't look at me. I wasn't about to be responsible for disappointing you or making you question your experience.'

‘So you let me give everything and make a fool of myself instead?' I whispered hotly. The cafe was nearly full due to the pouring rain outside, but I was paranoid someone would hear personal parts of our conversation. I sipped my fruit smoothie and watched Sarah prepare her response.

I had no right to blame her, but maybe I needed someone else to share some of the responsibility. Maybe then I wouldn't feel as naive.

‘How was I supposed to know what Nate would turn out to be like? Or Rachael? I only heard about him through you. If he fooled you, well, I had no chance to stop you from sleeping with him,' she said, without a defensive tone.

‘I'm not blaming you, Sarah. I feel stupid, that's all.' I patted her hand briefly. ‘I'm trying not to let it change me. To become cynical would be to lose a part of who I am as a person.'

Sarah nodded in approval. ‘That's it. It makes you stronger, these experiences. It's just a shame that we have to feel stupid before we learn something new. And lose people we care about. It's their loss. You know that, right?'

‘Yeah.'

‘Do you?'

‘Yeah … but doesn't this show that I wasn't good enough for them? Even if it's their loss?'

‘No,' she exclaimed louder than she meant to. The people sitting around us turned to get a visual of the animated girl who dared raise her voice in a public place.

‘How do you explain it then? Would they have done it if I meant more?' I asked miserably.

‘Daisy. They would have done it no matter who you were. They are opportunists. Rachael was jealous of your boyfriend and took the opportunity because he looked sideways at her.

And she was willing. Boys have a nose for girls who are “open for business” you know.'

‘You think so? You're not just trying to make me feel better?' I stared at her eyes, making sure she was telling the truth.

‘I don't think so. I know so. Birds of a feather flock together. That's why you're sitting here with me now and they are hanging out together in their incestuous group. It's a law of life. Be glad you found out about them now, not later.'

Her wise words struck a chord inside me and I felt a strange sense of relief.

‘True. I hadn't thought of that before. If it was going to happen, I'm glad it happened now, not during final exams or if we got married or something like that.'

Sarah beamed. ‘See? You can find positives in everything.'

‘Does anything get you down?' I mumbled.

‘Of course it does. But I'm a “glass half full” girl. Speaking of which, at least now we can talk about the same things,' she said with a cheeky wink. ‘I've been waiting to talk to someone who knows what goes on …'

‘You're shocking. Maybe some other time,' I said, shaking my head at her.

‘You'll be back,' she grinned wolfishly.

was hoping that by the end of the holidays I would have the strength to walk into school on the first day of term three without a care in the world. No matter who happened to show up, who stared at me or what surprises hit me unexpectedly. I was my own person and I didn't need anyone else in my life to give me happiness unless I was completely secure in myself.

Throughout the holidays I had established a routine I knew was important to my heart's recovery. Lots of exercise with good music, lots of family time and lots of sleep.

There were other things to ensure my life at school would be less stressful, too. My duties as school captain would settle down until final exams were finished, meaning I also wouldn't have to stress about seeing Roman and reminding myself of the awful moment when I kissed him and pushed him away from me.

If I did see him, I didn't want to have the awkward polite conversation where I would end up stumbling over my words and asking how Anya was. That was the last thing I wanted to hear about.

My plan was to be strong enough to handle everything before the graduation parties and valedictory services, before we left the metaphoric and literal idea of school. The very thought made me feel nervous for age-old reasons; I still didn't know what I was going to do when I finished. I tossed up doing journalism like Dad, as I'd been interested in writing and had kept a diary since I could hold a pen, but it wasn't sold on me yet. I loved history, but what could you do as a historian besides teach it?

At this stage, I was going to be a jobless bum and get fat on chocolate. For the summer holidays, at least.

One of the major jobs I still had left to organise as school captain was the sports carnival. This would include working with Roman. I didn't know how I felt about this; on one hand I liked the idea of being forced to work together, so we had to talk no matter what was going on between us. On the other hand, I didn't want to talk to him if he was still with Anya. I had nothing against her, but — no, wait. I did have something against her. She was touching Roman and I didn't like it. There, I said it.

Mr Head diligently reminded us of our duty in week four, and called us into his office again, no doubt to watch us fight and squabble like a married couple, then laugh at us.

We disappointed him greatly.

After Mr Head's initial lecture on his approval of my hair (he was slow, or I hadn't seen him for a whole term, I wasn't sure which) he proceeded to sit back and watch us plan.

Roman and I didn't talk to each other. And we barely spoke to Mr Head. He had to do most of the organising and we just nodded our heads in agreement to the past plans from school captains. This threw him.

‘Look I know I don't pay you to do this job, but would it kill you to look alive? What's wrong with you both, eh?' He looked flustered, but not annoyed.

‘You'd think the world was coming to an end, the way you're behaving. Snap out of it, would you? I liked you both better as an arguing married couple, not sulking.'

‘Yes sir,' we replied in monotones.

Even at the carnival, we weren't in any official running  teams together and we weren't cheering on students together. I avoided events as much as I could, but Shana made me go in the hundred metre relay team. Skye tried to push me into other runners, as she had done every year since she'd known me, but I kept my head down and continued to run as though she didn't exist. I guess our semi-truce wasn't to be a permanent fixture on my friendship list. Whatever. I didn't need her. I appreciated what she did for me while I was at the snow, but that's as far as it went.

Unsurprisingly, Roman won champion boy for the day and the Brigade, including Rachael, surrounded him with pats on the back and kisses on his cheeks. He appeared uncomfortable but polite and I rolled my eyes and walked away. Not before he saw me do it, though. He hung his head and let his trophy fall into his bag like it meant nothing to him. Seeing that didn't compel me to talk to him.

Nate? He contacted me every now and then on MSN but I ignored him. His SMSs were more frequent; they were the worst. I would become more confused the more often he sent them, because he would appeal to my soft, loyal side and our good memories. When I didn't answer after he'd put himself out there, I would get an abusive message, no doubt to reclaim his pride, that seemed to remind me that I was doing the right thing. If Mum got wind of me receiving any messages from him, she'd threaten to change my phone number. It wasn't a bad idea.