From the Inside Out: The Compilation (Scorned, Jealousy, Dylan, Austin) (22 page)

MOVING SUCKS. MOVING
sucks even when you’ve paid people to move your stuff. I’ve already done the hard part, the emotional part of packing and figuring out what part of this life I’m moving into the new one. These guys are lifting, carrying, doing the physical part, but the psychological aspect is far more trying.

Just when I think I’ve got this, that I’ve made the right decision, doubts inevitably seep into my psyche, making me question everything all over again. The last four weeks have been torture. I’m ready to just be done with it all: all the doubts, all the debate, all the second guessing, all of it. I’m ready to just move in and start moving forward.

I’m paid up for the apartment through the end of the month. The landlord hasn’t rented it out yet and our deposit from six years ago holds it through November. For some reason, I like having the safety net.

I don’t supervise the movers. I spend every last second I can in the now empty place, trusting them to handle it all. Sitting atop a suitcase, the only thing left here, I look around. The painting also remains hanging on the wall. I’m undecided what I should do with it.

Maybe it should go. Maybe it should stay. It feels so a part of this place, of me, of who I am and what my life has been for almost four years now.

Austin doesn’t know its history—its true meaning in my life. It represents
our
downfall. Morbid, but I was grasping for that connection back then. All I had left of him was a coffeemaker. It wasn’t enough. I needed more. I brought the discarded painting home so I had a memory from when he left me. Unbeknownst to me, it also kept the pain alive, the destruction of something that was everything in my world, everything that
was
my world. Dylan was my world, so I held onto it.

I know that logically I should leave it, but it transformed over the years from something negative to something more… something that gave me hope. Something that showed I was stronger than all of the bad, that I was someone without him. I survived the devastation.

It’s pouring outside, typical for October. Not a great month to move weather-wise, but the weather doesn’t matter because I’ve been given a new chance at a happy ending. Austin will give that to me.

I take a big breath and look around once last time before walking to the window. My footsteps echo through the empty apartment. Looking down to the street below, the moving truck pulls out into traffic as Austin stands on the sidewalk, umbrella in hand, directing them.

He flew back from China a week early, so he could help. Deep down I think he was worried I’d back out. I don’t know. Maybe I would have. Maybe I wouldn’t. I’m just in neutral right now, going with the flow. This seems to be the right direction, but I guess I’ll never know until I do it. Dylan is gone from my life again, so it seems to be the only direction left.

Austin sees me from the street, looking up and waving. He risks the rain to smile at me, then nods asking me to come down. I take a moment longer, alone, here in this place, closing my eyes, I inhale. I expect the air to be stale. But it’s lively, sparking all my memories and bringing them to life.

It makes me wonder how different the air will be at his place when I move in, my new residence… my new home. That feels awkward to say. I release a staggered breath and open my eyes again.
Dylan.

I see Dylan running down the street. I watch with a vested interest. Austin doesn’t see him, but Dylan must call his name because he turns around. He smiles even though I know this isn’t a polite social call.

Dylan’s soaked from the rain, his hands moving in overtime as he says something to Austin. Much like the anxiety I feel beginning to overwhelm me, I see Austin tense as well, obvious even from up here.

What is Dylan doing here?

What is he saying to him?

I run. I run out the door, not bothering to close it behind me, down the steps, bursting through the entrance, hit by the cold rain, and immediately soaked. Austin rushes over, standing protectively in front of me, his arm tucking me behind his back, the umbrella over our heads.

I know before anything is said. I know why Dylan’s here even before he calls my name, pleading. “Jules!”

…And my heart leaps from my chest.

DYLAN IS DESPERATE,
his eyes locked on mine.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, my voice is harsh though my insides are soft for him, wanting to reach out. I want to comfort him from the pain and calm his turmoil. I want to wipe that expression of loss from his face.

When he comes closer, Austin pulls me to his side, his arm tightening around my waist. Threatening him, Austin says, “Don’t come near her. I’m warning you, Somers. Don’t make this worse. Don’t put Jules in the middle of whatever this is.”

Dylan stops to laugh, a tinge maniacally. “
Caught in the middle?
” he asks. “Fuck! She’s not in the middle, man. She’s all of it. My whole world—the outside, the inside, the middle. My. Fucking. Everything!”

“Dylan,” comes out more as a sigh, my weaker side giving into him.

Austin doesn’t look at me, afraid to take his eyes off of him, but says, “Jules, he’s dangerous. Go back inside and call the police.”

Dylan doesn’t scare me. “He won’t hurt me.”

“Jules, don’t trust him. Look, Dylan, I don’t know what’s going on or why you’re at my girlfriends’ apartment, but you need to leave right now.”

“I need to talk to you,” he says, staring into my eyes, and ignoring Austin altogether. His voice is loud, shouting above the rain that pummels the ground all around us. “Please, Jules. I’m begging you.”

Shaking my head, I reply, “My decision is made, Dylan.”

“What the fuck is going on here?” Austin is losing his patience and he releases me. “Jules?” He turns to me, knowing he’s missing a key piece of the puzzle. “Tell me what’s going on.”

I look from Dylan to him, his beautiful eyes pleading and worried, seeing the truth in mine. I can’t hide it from him any longer. “I need to talk to him, Austin. Please wait in the car.”

“No.” He demands, “I won’t leave you to talk to this psychopath. He’s acting irrational. It isn’t safe for you to be alone with him.”

“
Please
,” I beg, tears filling my eyes. “Just let me talk to him in private. It won’t take long. I promise. Trust me. You have to trust me on this.”

“I think this is a huge mistake.”

“Please, Austin.”

After a stern pause, he nods, trusting me and conceding to my request. He’s an amazing man. Leaning in, he whispers, “Keep your distance. I’ll be close if you need me.”

“Thank you.”

He leaves me the umbrella and dashes through the rain to hop inside the waiting vehicle.

Dylan doesn’t waste another second. “I screwed up so many times, so many times, Jules. I’m sorry. I hate what I did to you. I never really understood the repercussions of my actions until I saw the pain in your eyes when I told you… when I told you the truth.” He steps closer and I stay, raising the umbrella up for him to come under. “I saw what I did to you. I can’t take back what happened, but I can tell you that no one comes close to what you mean to me. No one can replace you. No one is you.”

I raise my hand up to make him stop. “No more, Dylan, please.” When I look into his eyes, the blue is a sad foggy color of loss. He now knows. I can see in the depths of his soul that he realizes what he did to destroy us, that what he did destroyed me. “I believe you. I see your pain. It’s eating at your soul like it did mine, but it’s too late for us.
You’re
too late. When I needed you, you weren’t there for me. Fate may have thrown you back into my life or me into yours, but it’s not destiny. We make our decisions, our own choices, and I’ve made mine.” The tears fall down my cheeks, regret filling my heart.

He drops his head down as he closes his eyes. “Please. I’m begging you to give me another chance. I won’t screw up again. I promise to—”

Touching his cheek, I feel the scruff from his unshaven face. He looks up and I see the dark circles under his eyes. I step closer, wanting to hold and comfort him, but keep a distance between us. “You can’t make promises that you don’t know you can keep—”

“I loved you.” His words are adamant, full strength, full belief in what he’s saying. “I love you still. I was tainted and a stupid twenty-three year old.”

“You’re only twenty-seven now. Has that much really changed, Dylan?”

“Everything has changed. My life is only a life when you’re in it. Please don’t go with him. Don’t move in. Don’t give up on us or the possibility of what we can be. I know you feel something for me. I can feel it now. I see it in your eyes.”

I look away, trying to block out his pleas. “I need to go. Austin’s waiting for me.”

“No!” Dylan’s hand runs anxiously through his wet hair. “What do I have to do to prove that I love you, to show how sorry I am? Tell me and I’ll do it. Anything.”

My thoughts are jumbling, so I close my eyes briefly to clear them, but it doesn’t work. The tears are already flowing. My heart is breaking, aching, and the words just come out. “You could have left me some damn coffee!”

“What? What does that mean?” I walk around him and head for the car, but he grabs my arm. “Jules, don’t leave. Don’t leave me for him.”

I turn back around on that comment. “Is that what this is about? Is this about winning for you? My fucking heart is on the line and torn in two and you just want to win?” My anger wells inside, firing me up, and I shove him in the chest, then I hit him, pounding his chest as I shout, “I hate you. I hate that you’re doing this to me. I’m just a game to you, a toy for you to fuck around with. I hate you, Dylan Somers.”

Grabbing my flailing arms, he stills me abruptly. “Those are lies. You’re lying to yourself, so you can walk away from your true feelings. You were never a game to me. You aren’t a toy. You’re my heart, my soul, fuck this.”

He kisses me…
And I let him.

IT HAPPENED SO
fast. I’m here, putting my heart fully on the line and hoping not to be rejected. I kiss her. I can’t resist the temptation any longer. It’s the only way I can show Jules how much I love her. Then she kisses me back.

The blow to my chest sends me backward and she’s ripped from my arms.
Austin.
I’d forgotten about Austin. I don’t care about him. Jules is all that matters, so when I see Austin’s driver is manhandling her, I run to save her. I’m blindsided by a punch to the face, which knocks me to the side, stumbling to find balance.