Further Adventures (16 page)

“Boy you really don’t get it do you!” David pulled on my arm. “I’ve been protecting your little pink fanny you
pisher
you!”

“From what? Romancing a great gal?” I mocked. “This gets worse and worse.”

“It’s worse than you think. Annie was going to—I don’t know what—do something terrible to you in public.”

“Hah!”

“Humiliate you.”

“Kish mir in tuchas!”

“Dance on a table in her underwear or tell everybody who you are and what you do. Don’t ask me. I didn’t let her get very far with the idea.” David let out a long breath. “You don’t know how low she can go. How her mind works or what she wants from a guy. You don’t know Annie at all Sport.”

David beseeched me to guess from his statement he was the guy who DID know her very intimate but I did not rise to bite. I played dumb I let him take all the rope he needed to hang himself on the hook of Truth. Let him confess to me. Let him confess how he was all the time wooing Annie behind my back in front of everybody on the show. All the time I nurtured my high hopes for her. Let him confess how he betrayed i.e. how he pledged his Help & stabbed me in the back.

“You talked her out of going on the town with me?”

“Right.”

“Because you’re my friend.”

“That’s right.”

“Ah-ha,” I said and saw the tricky Horvath inside David come out. “You
would
let Annie take the blame.”

Very stern he said back, “Annie was going to treat you so bad you’d drop her like a hot brick and
that’s
a fact.”

“Let your own conscience down easy. That’s you all over. Blame somebody else. You got it figured.”

“Don’t make Annie into an angel. She’s
my
kind of girl. Not yours. This much I know. You don’t well that’s a pity.” David shook his head in sadness. “She came down from heaven? She’s a virgin for crissakes?”

I stopped listening and I told him so.

“And that’s
you
all over,” he told me off.

“You got it all figured out.”

“I didn’t figure anything besides who we are. That’s how things happen. Life’s a lot more complicated than you think it is.”

Lamont Carruthers for one knew everything about David & Annie’s romantic escapade in the studio so it tickled him silly to write tricky Scenes on purpose for them to play on the show. Between Lionel Horvath & Rosalind Bentley for instance Rosalind falling for his oily charms and Horvath using her for Evil etc. they had to act out these emotions raw & tender on the Airwaves for all to hear.

You can not find a limit on Desire not high or low. Also you will not find a limit on how a person will behave for his own Satisfaction. He will insult he will start rumors plant doubts twist Facts a person will conceal he will double-cross to satisfy his Desire he will betray to be Superior so he can control events & look down on other men. But every Desire & Satisfaction turns into dirt I believe.

In the course of Human Events I will tell what happened after I woke up from my nap in Tio’s house now. I did not hear a sound anywhere not outside my bedroom door nor in the kitchen nor not a Voice in the thin air. I thought maybe I slept right through the afternoon but when I went to the downstairs area I felt like a marble rolling around a empty shoe box.

I called Amelia’s name without answer so I decided it was the correct procedure I should investigate. First off in the room where those 30 Mexican boys used to be all there was left of their Presence was the smell in the air from cooked tortillas.

I tippy-toed down the hall over to Amelia’s door I was the Lonely Ghost floating upstairs amid that vacant place. I knocked shave-and-a-haircut but the door was not shut all the way it squeaked upon my touch. Amelia was not in residence. Her bed was made up very tidy as per a hotel her Safari Suit where she hung it in the closet also the bottles & tubes of her makeup on her table as if she fled in the night she did not have time to pack her Belongings. Or she did not need them where she went. One of those or she was coming back soon.

I am busy mulling the above thoughts back & forth in my mind at the same time I am looking through the window down into the street I can see the nose of my Raymobile. Also I see some boys leaning on the hood. One of them drops down & crawls under behind the front wheels. The brown-haired boy stands on my bumper and starts futzing with the hood latch so I bang on the window & shout at them but they refuse to heed my cries.

In 5 Seconds I am out the front door on my way across the street. “You want something with my car?” The brown-hair twists his head around he slides his tushy off the hood & kicks his pal on the foot who is doing some monkey business underneath. They walk away a few steps very casual then they sprint down the sidewalk all the time giving me the finger. If they scratched my paint job or stole a auto part for sure I
planned to investigate further who they are & make sure they pay to fix it like new which is fair you will agree.

How much can you get for used spark plugs or a distributor cap or a filthy dirty dipstick? Unless it was just Boyish Mischief. While I am bent over giving my hood a medical examination a Voice pops up behind me.

“No respect for private property is there…” this thin raspy Voice says. I picture it is a neighbor lady but when I turn around to agree with her judgment I see it is not a lady it is Napoleon Bonaparte in a modern suit!

That Napoleon haircut all combed forward toward his round face does not tower very high above Sea Level. I observe the female details of smooth white cheeks & ruby red lips his mouth very small and puffed out. Also I took in his physique his entire Form before me with his hands on his hips showing off tight muscles on his thighs which stretched the pockets on his pants. With a vest & tie & jacket in that heated weather but he did not sweat a drop.

For small talk I said, “I got down here in time.”

“That’s what matters.”

I never feel comfortable around door-to-door salesmen I always end up buying just to get them to shut up & leave me alone so I did not want to encourage him further. I walked back toward Tio’s house & it turned out Napoleon’s shoes were not stuck in the asphalt he decided not to let me off his hook so easy.

“Can I save Fuller Brush some time?” I said. “I can’t really use any household goods today.”

“What about for your car?”

“No thanks!” I waved good-bye. “My wife isn’t home at the minute. You want to talk to her for this.”

“Your wife?”

“She handles all of this business.”

“Yes I
would
like to talk to your wife. Is she going to be home anytime soon?” We stood on the sidewalk & the pressure of his Spiel pushed me back on the lawn where I dug in my heels. “I’m from Fuller Brush Incorporated,” he said & opened his wallet he flashes me his I.D. chuckling the whole time. A shiny badge shot sunlight in my eyes. “F.B.I.”

I did not need to read the buzzer. On Tio’s lawn there I was standing face to face & toe to toe with John Newberry.

“Just a few Minutes of your time Mr. Green.”

A helpful tactic I thought of in that dire moment was I had to surround myself with law-abiding Citizens i.e. if I stayed in the public eye I was not going to be the victim of any freak accident for instance on the report he writes he found me doing the dishes and a soapy steak knife slips out of my hand and into my chest. “I was just going for a walk in the park.”

“Mind if I walk with you?”

“I’m going for a high colonic first.”

“Oh? Where’s that?”

“First one I see.”

“You’re a stranger to these parts. If you need the name of a doctor I can point you in the right direction.”

“Thanks anyway.”

“What’s that for—a colonic. Some chronic condition?”

“High colonic,” I corrected him.

“Looks like you’re in the pink to me. For a man of your age. What are you—72 or 73 this year?”

A car a Ford or a Chevy one of those I think or a Buick came by & kept up with our slow steps. With a flick from his hand Newberry sent it down the block it cruised around the corner.

“A high colonic gives me added pep,” I said. “You should try it. Maybe you could benefit.”

“Pep!” Newberry laughed very loose & easy. The word tickled him
so he tried it out himself. “Pep. I could use more pep. Mr. Green I sure need something.” He slipped a photo out of his jacket pocket & by the way he gave me a glimpse of the gun slung in his shoulder holster and then his conversation & this stroll came down to Earth very hard. He pushed the photo in front of my face so I could not see where I was walking I had to stop & stare at a mug shot of Amelia.

I know the ABC of this business so my first move was DENY. Why should I load ammunition in his guns? I told him “No. I don’t recognize him.”

“Her,” he set me straight. Another photo he showed me & on this one I will admit he pinned me to the mat. I was in that picture I was pumping gas into the Raymobile and Amelia was sitting in the front seat. Another swing of his hand a flick from his fingers and that car came back it parked right in front of us.

When Newberry held the back door open & I saw who was in the driver’s seat a flush of needles & pins went through my arms all the sharp points pushed inside my skin. The big redhead man from the gas station that gunsel from the Citizens Patrols. I recall he said his name was Wayne Feather.

“Get in the car Mr. Green,” Newberry urged me.

I spread my arms & legs out I curled my fingers around the edge of the roof then I locked my knees & elbows. Newberry pushed my back but it did not bend. A housewife came by with her kids in a stroller & her bags of groceries and I kicked up a Scene she was not going to forget in a big hurry. From the top of my lungs I cried, “Oh God! Oh Lord! Please mister! Where’re you taking me? Oh God! What did I do to you!” Etc. very tormented.

“It’s all right.” Newberry flipped his wallet to show her his badge. “F.B.I. Just assisting this gentleman.” Then I felt the snubby nose of his gun barrel nudge me against my Spine. “Don’t be unruly Ray. Show me what a good citizen you are.”

He squeezed in next to me and first thing he said was sorry about the gun. He asked me was I comfortable do I want the Air Conditioner higher or lower but I did not give this Kidnapper the courtesy of conversation. On the freeway he made a Promise he was going to explain all of his reasons as soon as he got me safe & sound in his office. Also I should not be alarmed on account of the presence of Mr. Feather.

“The local C.P. wants to make Wayne the district chairman.” Newberry beamed his honor & pride. “Set a new record for wetback roundups last week. Right Wayne?”

“No kidding.” That was all he got out of me until the off-ramp when he offered me a Life Saver (by accident my favorite Peppermint) which I accepted but did not thank him in the eye. I pondered the question is Newberry going to explain all about the shooting into our motel room? which pondering lasted until the hole was the only part left of my candy.

Besides being the twin brother of Napoleon Bonaparte maybe the F.B.I. hired John Newberry for his Mind Reader skills. He gave me the last Life Saver in the pack and he said, “It’s nothing you should worry about. We’re on the same side.”

Even with the Peppermint Life Saver I doubted it.

All the time Newberry is telling me how his trusted friend & fearless colleague Wayne Feather is involved in Deeds of derring-do and derring-don’t Undercover amid the illegal Citizens Patrols I am observing the decor of his office. Items of a family man also awards & dignified photos. Lies and more lies it hit me & still hits me today.

From his mouth I hear his Friar’s Club Testimonial on Special Agent Feather how he is breaking the C.P.s from the inside. As a White American man of Honor he must go with them on a few foul Deeds. The latest one he was sorry to report was the Surprise Attack on the Bluebird Motel with shotguns. Even if it was risky for him he tried to save our Lives by that phone call from the Manager to get my car so now we are
in the Comfort & Safety of his office we can shake hands & be friends.

I did not altogether accept. They both took it the wrong way i.e. bad manners or my rotten temper. To tell you the truth my concentration was wandering over other things. In particular photos on the wall of Newberry shaking hands with famous faces. With President Ronald Reagan. With J. Edgar Hoover. With the Governor of Texas. With Charlton Heston.

Even this did not touch my Heart so deep as all of his personal snapshots in silver frames on his desk. The little boys had Newberry’s flat dark hair & thin eyebrows and I saw from the picture of his Bride where his daughters got their blond tresses. All the people who love him no matter what there they are to remind him all the time. The Innocence he put into the world will balance out his Guilty Deeds or shrink them down he thinks.

“Which is how you got your car fixed so fast. The transmission was completely shot. So you’re welcome for that.”

“Thank you,” I obliged him. “That’s not all that was shot either.”

“Why didn’t Amelia come out to the car with you? She didn’t want to hang around there any longer than she had to.”

“She was in the shower,” I told him flat. Then I raised my Voice. “Why didn’t Mr. Feather here just stop it? Tell those demented maniacs shooting at living people in a motel room is a
crime!
” Halfway out of my chair my throat muscles tight & pulling me up.

Wayne Feather put on the cool he put on the Calm. “That time it got away from me. I apologize. It happens sometimes. To you too I bet. Things are out of your control.”

“O.K.” Newberry’s Voice cut through the hard Atmosphere in the room. “Thanks Wayne. Thanks for bearing witness.” He nodded & Mr. Feather got the hint he was not required around there for other Testimony. “Send Shelley in,” Newberry told him & to me he said, “We’ll keep it very informal at this stage.”

His secretary Entered fanning her face with a handful of paperwork. “It’s so hot and sweaty out there. The air con’s on the blink again.”

“Cool in here,” Newberry chirped.

“You don’t get the sun on this side. We’re sweating like pigs out there.” She settled down with her notepad but she did not even say Hello to me I was the job on her Agenda before lunch.