Garden of Angels (9 page)

Thirteen

“Thank you for coming, Carole. I really need to talk,” I heard my mama say as she brought Carole onto the back porch.

They couldn’t see me because I was below them in the flower bed that sloped downward from under the porch. I was planting two flats of pansies like Mama had wanted me to do. It was late afternoon at the end of the first week in December. The day had turned out pleasant, sunny and bright, more like early fall, perfect for putting in the last of the flowers.

Carole said, “I’m glad you called. You’re so much on my mind.”

I heard the sound of chairs being pulled out from the table on the porch. Guiltily, I decided against standing up and announcing myself. I kept scooping up dirt with my small spade and tucking the colorful pansies into the ground, telling myself that I wouldn’t listen in.

“I need help with Adel’s wedding,” I heard Mama say. “We’ve got less than three weeks. There are so many details—flowers, music, written announcements, the cake. . . .” Mama took a breath. “I know Adel thinks she’s going to handle it, but she works all day. She has no idea how much work there is in organizing a wedding. Even a small one.”

“Don’t you worry about a thing. All you have to do is make lists. I’ll do the rest. Jim will get together with Adel, and Barry, if possible, and work out details for the ceremony. I’ll get the Women’s Circle to plan and set up the fellowship hall for the reception. Leave everything to me.”

I could picture Carole comforting Mama.

“I’m just so tired,” Mama said after a pause. “I want to feel good again. I can’t even recall the last day I felt good. I want to be there for Adel at her wedding.”

My heart felt as if it were being squeezed. Mama never complained.

“What have the doctors told you?”

My spade stopped in midair. I sat back on my heels, knowing that eavesdropping was wrong, but I couldn’t stop myself.

“They’ve told me that what I’m feeling is normal for a person with my condition. Normal,” Mama repeated. “I hope I never experience abnormal.”

“We’ll get them to refine their vocabulary, all right?” I heard sympathy in Carole’s voice.

“Just get me through this wedding, Carole. That’s all I ask.”

“Of course.”

After a minute, Mama said, “I feel as if I’ve been neglectful of my friends. I’m sorry.”

“Please don’t apologize. It’s not necessary.”

“How’s your brother doing? I know how concerned you were about him coming.”

My ears pricked up at the mention of Jason.

Carole said, “He hasn’t exactly fit in. Jim and I are disappointed. We really thought that bringing him here would make a difference in his life. But so far it hasn’t.”

“Yet he’s not hanging with a youth gang like he was in Chicago,” Mama said. “You’ve got to believe that’s better.”

“In most ways, it is. Mother wrote to say that one of his old gang buddies was in jail and another in the hospital after a knife fight. So, yes, Jason’s better off because his life’s not in constant danger, but he’s a loner here. He hasn’t made a single friend.”

“That takes time. Especially in a town the size of Conners. It’s a failing, I admit.”

“But Conners is small and safe. A good place to raise a family. And you made me feel welcome when I was a stranger. I’m grateful for that.”

They were quiet, giving me a chance to mull over what I was hearing. Nothing I didn’t know about Jason, but still, having it confirmed depressed me.

“Any ideas for my kid brother?” I heard Carole ask.

“Does he like school?” Mama wanted to know.

“According to his teachers, he’s smart enough, but unmotivated. I didn’t have to move him to Conners to know that much.”

“Any interest in college?”

“Not that he’s expressed, and with this being his final year, I don’t think college is in his future. He did like your gardens, though. I sent him over with a casserole one afternoon and Darcy gave him the grand tour.”

“Bring him back in the spring when it really looks like something.”

“How will you keep it up?” Carole asked.

I assumed they were speaking of the yard.

“Darcy does a good job, but come spring, I’ll have to have help.”

Mama’s statement surprised me. Didn’t she think the two of us could do it together?

“It’s hard letting go of the things you love,” Mama said.

“Very hard,” Carole said in agreement.

Silence. My legs were cramping and my feet had gone to sleep from sitting on them, but I didn’t dare move.

Finally Carole’s voice said, “Come on inside with me, Joy. Your hands are cold as ice. I’ll fix you a cup of hot tea.”

“I should fix you tea,” Mama said.

“Well, if I’m going to help with that wedding, then you’d better get used to me being your arms and legs for a time.”

I heard their chairs scraping back.

When I was certain they had gone into the kitchen, I straightened out my legs and felt the prickly sensation in my feet as blood returned to them. I wasn’t sure what-all I had heard. Problem was, there was no one I could discuss it with either. Becky Sue would grill me for every detail and I didn’t want to share every detail. Adel would bite my head off for snooping. Papa would probably ground me for eavesdropping on a private conversation. I’d have to keep it all to myself and try to sort it out on my own.

On Saturday we went to Atlanta to shop for dresses. Sandy had to work and couldn’t come with us. Adel drove and I read directions to the shops she wanted to visit. Mama rested in the backseat. We found nothing to Adel’s liking in the first store. We ate lunch in a fancy tearoom, and I saw Mama take several pills.

The next store was carpeted all in white and looked as sugary as a wedding cake. The saleswoman sat us down and took notes about the wedding from Adel. “A nice white suit will be fine,” my sister told the saleswoman when it came time to try on dresses, but the woman kept hauling in beaded gowns with puffy sleeves and long trains.

“Why buy a suit when you’ll look so pretty in a real dress?” the lady said.

I could tell by the look in Adel’s eyes that she was getting seduced, and that her small, no-fuss wedding was growing more elaborate in her mind.

“What do you think, Mama?” Adel asked. She was still wearing the latest try-on, a soft white satin gown that draped to the floor, with seed pearls, ruching on the bodice, and a train trimmed in white rabbit fur.

Mama was in a nice comfortable chair and she seemed more alert than on the drive over. “I want you to have anything you want, Adel. You’ll remember your wedding day forever, and it should be the day of your dreams.”

“Barry will be in his dress uniform,” Adel mused, turning in front of the mirror. “Maybe a suit isn’t formal enough.”

I was sitting on the floor and thumbing through a bridal magazine. Adel could wear a sack and look lovely.

“What do you think, Darcy?” Adel asked.

I nodded agreeably. “Looks good.”

“Why don’t you and Darcy try on dresses?” Adel said to Mama. “Maybe if I see the two of you dressed up, it’ll help me decide what I want.”

“That’s not the way it’s done,” the saleswoman started. “The bride is the focus.”

But Adel was already pawing through the racks. She held up a floor-length midnight-blue velvet sheath with long sleeves and a deep V neckline. “Try this on, Darcy,” she said, shoving it toward me.

The saleslady perked up. “Oh, that’s a wonderful selection.”

I wasn’t so sure. I preferred jeans and loose tops. My dresses had full skirts because I didn’t like the way my bony hips stuck out. But I had promised myself that I would be agreeable all day, so I shut myself in a dressing room and slipped into the dress. When I stepped out of the dressing room, Mama and Adel stared at me without saying a word. “What’s wrong?” I asked, glancing down to see if I’d put it on backward.

“Oh my goodness,” Mama said.

I faced the three-sided mirror. I didn’t recognize myself. The girl looking back was a vision in blue velvet, slim and soft-looking, like a fine oil painting in a museum. The dress hugged my body, except for the top. The saleswoman rushed forward and expertly pinned it around the upper bodice. My “bosom” didn’t fill it out, she noted, but it could be easily fixed.

Adel walked around me. “It’s not pink ruffles,” she said. “Disappointed?”

My face reddened.

“Do you like it, Darcy?” she asked.

I lifted my fine blond hair off my shoulders and held it up, the way I knew she wanted me to wear it, and stared back at the mirror. I was transformed again. I had never owned anything so beautiful nor felt so grown up as I did in the dress. “Yes,” I told her. “I like it very much.”

“Me too,” Adel said. “What do you think, Mama?” We both turned to face her, me in blue velvet, Adel in wedding white.

Tears welled in our mother’s eyes, and her gaze lingered on both of us, as if she were taking a photograph and storing it in a memory box. “You are both beautiful beyond words,” she said softly. “My dear, darling daughters. I love you with all my heart. And I always will. Please don’t ever forget that.”

I saw emotion brimming in Adel’s expression over our mother’s soulful words, and a chill crept through me that I could neither explain nor banish.

Becky Sue had a fit over the dress when it arrived at the house by special delivery a week later. When I put it on and modeled it for her, she clapped. “It’s gorgeous! I mean it, Darcy, you look like a movie star.”

“High praise from a girl who likes movies as much as you,” I kidded. I whirled and smoothed the front of the dress. I loved the sensuous feel of the material on my palm. “Course, it had to be taken in six inches to accommodate my pathetic little boobs,” I added. “I have enough fabric left over to make a pair of gloves.”

“Now, you stop ragging on yourself,” Becky said, wagging her finger at me.

“Mama said I can wear her sapphire-and-diamond pendant and sapphire earrings,” I said. “Adel’s wearing Mama’s pearls.”

“I can’t believe I have to miss the wedding,” Becky said, looking petulant. Adel had agreed to let Becky Sue and her parents attend, but since it was on Christmas day, her family would be in Kentucky visiting relatives. Becky wasn’t happy about it. “Make sure your pictures are developed in time for the New Year’s Eve party,” she reminded me. “I want to see everything.”

“Yes . . . the party. Too bad I can’t wear this,” I said, still looking at myself in the mirror. Patti Stephans, one of our classmates, was moving in January and her parents had agreed to let her have a huge farewell party at their summer cabin on Lake Jackson. She’d already invited most of the high school, and Becky Sue had made me swear that I would go with her. Russell was definitely going to be there, according to her sources. “Guess I’ll lose Cinderella and turn back into plain ol’ Darcy,” I said with a sigh.

“Nothing wrong with plain ol’ Darcy,” Becky said.

Once Becky left, I went down the hall to Mama and Papa’s bedroom. I wanted to try on the jewelry with the dress, and frankly, I liked the way the dress made me look and feel, so I wasn’t in a hurry to take it off and hang it up.

Mama’s bedroom door was ajar. Without thinking, I pushed it open and swept inside, saying, “Mama, can I try on the jewelry—” That was as far as I got.

Mama was dressing. Her slacks were on, but her upper body was uncovered. She ducked down and covered herself with her arms, half turning to shield her nakedness.

“I’m so sorry!” I cried. “I—I didn’t mean to burst in on you.” I had not seen my mother unclothed since I was a small child. I jumped back into the hall.

Mama’s voice stopped me. “Darcy, it’s all right. Please come in.”

My heart pounded and my cheeks burned. Keeping my gaze downward, I reentered the room.

“I think you should see this, Darcy.” Her voice was soft and soothing, much as it had been when I was younger and bruised by a mishap.

My mother had turned to face me from across the room. I didn’t want to look, but I did. Her nude upper body was illuminated by lamplight, as the sun had gone down. I glanced at her one perfect breast, then stared at the spot where her other breast had been. In its place was a long diagonal scar cutting across the landscape of her body, marring the flesh like jagged glass. Surgeons had cut off this womanly part of her and left a bright red scar that circled clear under her arm. I could barely stand to look at it, yet neither could I tear my gaze away.

I don’t know how long I stood staring, but eventually she slipped on a blouse and came over to me. She ran her thumb under my eyes and down my cheeks. “Don’t cry, honey,” she said.

Until that moment, I hadn’t known I was crying. “What have they done to you, Mama?”

“They have tried to save my life,” she answered. “It is only a body part, Darcy. It’s no different than a person losing an arm. Or an appendix. There is no shame in it. I wear a special bra that fills me out and makes me appear normal to all the world. No one can tell what’s missing when I’m dressed.”

I felt the fabric of the velvet dress tight across my chest and I shuddered. At that moment, I was glad my breasts were small and inconsequential. At that moment, I wanted them to go away altogether. I wanted to be as flat as a child and free of them.