Generational Sins (18 page)

She nodded and lifted her face to kiss me. Her beautiful lips curved into a soft smile.

"Then I don't understand, David. What's the problem?"

I pulled away and went back to my cooking.

"The problem, Kat, is that my father will find that unacceptable."

She went back to playing with the wine glass. "He thinks I will make you settle down too early?"

"It's not anything to do with you specifically. He just assumes that I will fuck a lot of women. It's kind of like a life long trait with him."

"He's sleeping with women who aren't your mother?"

Shit. I am going about this all wrong.

"It's not like that. The women that he fucks don't mean anything to him."

"And that makes it okay?"

"No, that doesn't make it okay, but it's not like my mom doesn't know. No one questions my father. He's not the sort of man that you can talk back to. If he wants to have casual sex no one is going to tell him that he can't, least of all my mother. The women don't matter so we just pretend that they don't exist."

"They don’t matter. Just like they've never mattered to you? Before me?"

"Right. Yeah. I mean I only slept with most of those girls because it's what my father expects of me."

"Well he wants you to be happy right? So if you tell him that you want to be with me, he'll understand. Won't he?"

I looked up at her again. "No, Kat. He won't understand. He wants me to follow in his footsteps. My happiness is sort of irrelevant in all of this."

She was quiet for a moment. She took a long drink from her glass. "Does it matter?" she finally asked. "Does it matter what he thinks?"

I sighed and scraped the garlic in with the tomatoes. "Yes. It matters what he thinks."

"Why? I mean it's your life. Why does he even care who you sleep with?"

She was clearly not getting this. I pinched the bridge of my nose between my fingers, fighting back the looming headache. Had I really expected her to understand? This was crazy.

"He cares who I fuck, because he has high expectations for me. He will think that I am less of a man if I allow one woman to trap me. He sees monogamy as a weakness. He thinks that men who are faithful to their wives are pussy-whipped."

God, it sounds so bad when you say it like that.

"Well you don't agree with him do you?" she paused. "You do realize that's insane? ...right?" She was looking at me like I'd grown a second head.

How dare she judge him like that? How dare she judge me like that? I wanted to slap her, drag her across the floor by her hair, something, anything! I’d show her that you didn't question the judgment of the Paulson men. My father was not fucking insane!

Yes, he is fucking insane, and you know it.

I swallowed down the anger because I knew that it was just a reflex. She was right after all. You had to be completely batshit to see a healthy, productive, loving marriage as a weakness, but I was fighting against decades of training. I had believed him for so long.

My natural reaction was to shut her up, not agree with her. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"It doesn't matter if he's right or wrong, Kat. There are reasons why I can't disobey him. I can't tell him about you because he won't approve. I won't fuck anyone else, but I'm going to lie to him and tell him that I fucked Eighteen this weekend and Nineteen the next. It's what he expects of me, and I can't be a disappointment to him."

"Eighteen and Nineteen? You count them?" Her voice was almost a whisper. "You count them like some sort of livestock? Jesus, David, how can you say that it doesn't matter if he's right or wrong? He fucking taught you to think of women as numbers!"

"They are livestock," I replied, allowing an edge to creep into my voice. She had no fucking clue what it was like to live in my world. I would not accept her fucking condemnation. "Those women wanted me to treat them like the fucking cows that they are."

Fuck. It was a mistake to ever think that she would understand this. This was so far beyond a normal person's comprehension. She was going to fucking hate me. I fucking hated myself.

My head filled with his voice. They are just women, David. They want you to fuck them hard. They won't respect you if you don't lay down the law with them. It's better if you don't fuck them more than once, son. You can't let them get attached. It only makes a mess.

I refused to look at her as she climbed down from her chair. Her bare feet padded softly across the kitchen.

Maybe he was right. I'd let her get too close and now it was messy. I couldn't live without her.

I'd long ago finished chopping, but the knife was still curled in my fist. My knuckles were white around it. She gently wrapped her hand around mine and pried my fingers away from it. I gave in, and she set it down on the counter. She pressed her cheek to my naked back and circled me with her arms.

Her tears were wet on my back. When had she started crying? I was such a fucking asshole. The one woman in the world that I gave a shit about and I hurt her. I made her cry. I would hurt her over and over and over. It would be better if she left me now. She deserved better than my screwed up family and my father's fucked up ideas about women.

"No more, David," Kat whispered softly. "You are not your father. You are better than that."

Never were more freeing words spoken. She believed in me. After everything that I'd just said to her, she still believed that I was good. I was a fucking monster, and she loved me anyway.

Never had I felt so undeserving.

I couldn't keep the tears from falling.

I hadn't cried in years. The last time I had, my father had beaten me. I could still feel the sting of his hands. Paulson men don't cry.

You're fucking weak, you sissy. No son of mine will cry into his mother's apron. Fucking take it like a man.

I faced her and fucking sobbed into her hair.

I slid down the counter to the floor and brought her with me. I sat with my back to the cabinet and Kat in my lap as the water boiled over and the sauce splattered everywhere. I sobbed and sobbed, and she held me and rocked me back and forth like a child.

I remembered one day that my mother rocked me like this, after he'd hit her. She was the one he abused, and still she felt the need to comfort me in the aftermath. He'd been upset because dinner had been cold. He was an hour late coming home from work. It was as if she should have known that he'd be home late. He'd expected her to have some sort of fucking psychic connection.

I tried to stop crying. I was weak, a fucking baby. The weight of my own disappointment in myself only made the tears come harder.

Kat told me that it would be okay. She told me that we would figure out what to do together. She told me that I didn't have to live like him, that I could make up my own mind. She told me that I was strong, that I was an incredible lover, that I would always be a man, and that I didn't have to abuse women or think of them as numbers to prove it.

I cried. I listened. I wanted so badly to believe her. As I hugged her to my chest and behaved like a child, I wanted nothing more than to be what she said I was. I wanted to be deserving of her. I wanted to be the man that she thought I could be. I wanted her approval even more than I wanted my father's. And, I wanted her love.

My sobs finally resided a long while later, and I felt absolutely drained. Kat was still holding me. Her face was buried in my neck.

"God, Kat," I finally said, "I'm so sorry. What you must think of me, crying like a fucking baby. How embarrassing. I can't believe I just did that."

She pressed her finger to my lips effectively silencing me.

"No, David. You will not apologize for that. You are dealing with some complex issues right now, and it is perfectly reasonable for you to be emotional. Your father may not approve, but I am not your father. You can be yourself with me. You are not weak. I may not understand everything yet, but I understand enough to know that you are a wonderful man with a difficult upbringing. There is no shame in learning to reject the things that your father taught you. You don't have to agree with him, and disagreeing with him does not make you any less of a man."

I couldn't even respond. I didn't know what to say.

"Let's finish dinner, huh?" she said, smiling at me and wiping the rest of the tears from my cheeks.

I knew right then, as I looked into her patient, understanding eyes that I would never love another.

Kat hung up the phone, and I instantly brought my fingers to the bridge of my nose. Fuck. What was I supposed to do about this? If I just let it go, it would only get worse. Once my father got his head around an idea there was no stopping him. I had to call him. I had to tell him that he'd upset Kat and ruined my plans to propose.

Kat would be done with school in another hour and a half. I was already done for the day. I decided to meet her at the school.

I sat in my car in the teacher's parking lot at Kat's school and waited. I needed to call my mother and tell her that I planned to propose to Kat. I had wanted to tell her in person but my father was making this exceptionally difficult. I called the house line.

"Paulson residence."

"Hi, Mom."

"David! What a pleasant surprise. How are you, dear?"

"I'm doing well, I'm calling with good news." I tried to sound enthusiastic.

"What's that, dear?"

"I'm going to ask Kat to marry me."

"Oh, honey," her voice betrayed her sorrow, "that's wonderful."

"Mom?"

"Yes, David?"

"I love her, and I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you in person. Dad called Kat's work today and sort of ruined the surprise. So I haven't officially proposed, but she knows that I intend to."

"I'm sure your father didn't mean to ruin your proposal, dear."

"Of course not, but I think I'll make it official this weekend. Will you help us plan an engagement party?"

"I'd be delighted, but Kat does have to say 'yes' first remember? Not that anyone would say 'no' to my handsome son."

"Mom?" I paused for a moment unsure of how to continue. "Kat returns my love."

"Of course she does, dear." It was quite clear that she didn't believe me. She thought her own son was a terrible monster unworthy of love. How had I let it get this bad?

"After I propose, I'll ask Kat to call you to set up arrangements for the party."

"Wonderful, David."

"Good bye, Mom. I love you."

The line went dead. I closed my eyes and pressed my head back into the headrest. What a mess.

Kat would be done with school in about ten minutes. She would be ready to leave in about twenty-five. She didn't have any after-school activities today. I considered calling my dad. I probably had enough time. If I did it now, I would have some answers for Kat when she came out of the building. What would I say to him? Hey dad, you fucked up my proposal! What were you thinking? That would not go well. Better to get it over with though. I flipped my phone open again and dialed my father's cell.

"David?" he answered.

"Good afternoon, father."

"To what do I owe the unexpected call."

"Kat called me a few minutes ago asking if I had called her work place. I, of course, had not, and I told her so. I was incredibly surprised when she informed me that someone had called the school and claimed to be her fiancé. You wouldn't know anything about that would you?"

There was silence on the other end of the line for a moment.

"I had informed her principal that he was not to tell her of the call," he finally answered. "He clearly disobeyed me." I could hear the anger in his voice.

How was I supposed to respond to that? No sense of remorse, only anger that he’d been disobeyed. How typical.

"Yes, clearly he did, and now Kat knows of my plans to propose. I called Mother. I wanted to tell her the good news in person, but in light of all this, I felt that sooner was better."

"Well you were planning to propose soon anyway, surely Kat was aware of your intentions. Her principal, who clearly cannot be trusted, is now aware as well. That should make her resignation go smoother."

Thank God Kat and I had already married anyway. This truly would have been a mess if any of it were real.

"Kat is not resigning, father. I want her to work, for now, so that she will not be a distraction to me while I finish my studies. I will determine the appropriate time for her to leave."

"She will not be a distraction, son. Your mother is at home every day, and I somehow mange to go on with my life. Kat should not be working."

"What my wife does with her time is my concern, not yours." Fuck! I called her my wife. I wonder if he heard that?

"She is not your wife yet, and you are allowing her too much control."

"I will deal with her. I don't need for you to make any more calls on my behalf."

"Don't you take that tone of voice with me, David. You may be old enough to wed, but you are still my son, and you will respect my wishes. You will propose this weekend, and then you will tell her to resign. She will spend the extra hours helping your mother with the planning. You wouldn't want to put all of that extra strain on your mother would you?"