George Washington Zombie Slayer (27 page)

“Wait!” Washington said as he looked forward. Green
e halted the firing of the cannon for a moment, which allowed the heavy smoke and haze to dissipate. And as they peered ahead in silence, a light wind blew the battle smoke away, and they all saw the British white flag of surrender being raised over Yorktown, Virginia!

A great cheer went up
as the Americans and French spotted white flags being raised all across the City of Yorktown. Cheer after cheer went up as the soldiers realized the Revolutionary War was over. The Americans had won their freedom!

Soldiers cried and wept and sang and screwed in celebration of this monumental and historical event. Washington shook General Greene’s hand and then hugged him.
Many hundreds of American soldiers had gathered around Washington’s tent, watching him in awed silence and reverence.

“Send out emissaries to the British,”
Washington said at last. “Advise them that we will make arrangements for a formal ceremony… to accept their surrender.”

A thunderous cheer went up after Washington said this, and nearly all the soldiers threw their hats in the air in joyous celebration.

The most important battle in American history was over, and George Washington had earned final Victory against the British.

Chapter 71

The Final Fate of General Cornwallis

As
he hid, crouched alone in a deserted alley in Yorktown, Virginia, Charles Lord General Cornwallis brushed the dust of battle from his urine –stained pants, and realized that he had sustained an injury to his leg, and was unable to walk. He had avoided an American cannonball that had nearly struck him, but the shrapnel from the explosion had severely wounded his knee. Through the thick smoke of the battle, Cornwallis could see a British Redcoat walking by, and called for assistance.

“You there,” Cornwallis called out. “I a
m injured and require help.”

W
ith the noise of battle and the endless cannon fire from the Americans echoing through the streets of Yorktown, his call for assistance was not heard. As was his nature, Cornwallis grew angry at being ignored.

“Soldier!
Soldier!” General Cornwallis now shouted. “You will halt, turn about face, and return here to assist your Commanding General this instant!”

It would have been better for Cornwallis if he had remained silent
, for as the Redcoat turned after hearing his call, the general could now see that it was a zombie soldier that was coming towards him.

“On the other hand, never
mind,” Cornwallis said after seeing the creature approach. But it was too late. Now smelling the blood from the General’s wounded knee, the zombie came steadily forward, fully intending to feast on the flesh of Cornwallis.

As he was unarmed, Cornwallis looked about for anything with which to defend himself, and
spotted a British bayonet lying discarded just a few feet away. He crawled for it as the zombie came ever closer. The zombie grabbed the General’s leg just as Cornwallis grasped the bayonet. Cornwallis spun about with the blade just as the zombie’s teeth bit deeply into his leg, Too late, he thrust the bayonet into the creature’s head. But Cornwallis had been bitten and he knew it was a sentence of death.

For a brief moment, Cornwallis considered plunging the bayonet into his own head and killing himself, but he was too cowardly even for that. Kicking
the zombie corpse off him, Cornwallis staggered to his feet, and in a few moments, living British officers happened along and assisted him.

Knowing he was bitten, and see
ing the white flags of surrender flying about the city, General Cornwallis cried like a little girl who lost her favorite dolly as they carried him back into the medical tent. He wept even harder when the physician confirmed his terminal diagnosis, which he really knew already. There was no cure for a zombie bite. The fate of Cornwallis was sealed.

Chapter 72

The British Surrender at Yorktown

Emissaries from the British and American Armies met, along with the French, to
arrange a formal ceremony of surrender, which was set for October 19, 1781. The British would march nearly 8,000 defeated troops out of Yorktown, and the Revolutionary War would be officially ended.

As
George Washington arrived at the surrender ceremony at the appointed day and time, he was distressed to see that General Cornwallis was not present. Instead, British Brigadier General Chuck O’Hara appeared to offer the formal British surrender. O’Hara could see that Washington was upset, and asked to speak with him for a moment alone. The two men withdrew to a private spot.

“General Cornwallis
has taken… ill,” O’Hara stated. “He will be unable to attend the formal ceremony of surrender.” O’Hara could see that Washington was quite distressed at this most serious breach of decorum.

“It is quite unusual,” Washington said, “for the General Commanding to fail to appear at a formal surrender.”

“Yes,” General O’Hara replied. “I believe I can explain if… may I speak plainly?”

“Of course,” Washington said.

“And may I count upon your discretion?” O’Hara asked. “In a rather…delicate matter?”

“I can assure
you of discretion,” Washington said. “Whenever possible.”

“Thank you, General Washington,” O’Hara said. “It seems that G
eneral Cornwallis has been…bitten. By one of his zombies.”
              There was an exceedingly long pause where Washington said nothing but simply exhaled a long, slow breath, as if relieved of a great burden.

“That being the case, I can
understand why he is not here,” Washington stated at last. “Has he yet…turned?”

“Yes,” O’Hara replied. “
He is now a zombie. So you see why he cannot be present.”

The men both returned to the formal surrender ceremony, which unfolded without incident. But as General O’Hara offered Washington the sword of Cornwallis, Washington though
t it inappropriate that he should accept the sword from a British subordinate, and had one of his own subordinate officers accept it in his stead.

The ceremony being concluded, Washington wished a final word with British General O’Hara.

“You are certain that ALL the zombies have been destroyed?” Washington asked.

“You have m
y word they are all destroyed, General,” O’Hara replied. “Ironically, the last remaining zombie in North America is General Cornwallis. He will be taken back to England, where he will be safely locked away in his family estate for the remainder of his…existence.”

“Very well,” Washington replied, taking a long moment of reflection to contemplate
the appropriately ironic fate of General Cornwallis.

History records that Lord General Cornwallis, the last zombie of the American Revolution, was indeed taken back to his family estate in London and locked in the
manor basement for the remainder of his days. He was fed a steady of diet of roadkill, table scraps and the occasional jelly donut, and remained a disgraceful reminder of personal failure for his family during his final days on earth.

British records state
that Cornwallis finally expired in 1789 after a fall down the basement stairs which shattered his skull and ended his sad existence. He was buried in an unmarked grave behind the outhouse of his family estate.

Chapter 73

President George Washington

On April 30
th
, 1789, George Washington stood proudly inside the second floor assembly room of Federal Hall in New York City. The votes of the Electoral College had been certified, and George Washington had been elected unanimously as the first President of the United States. Surrounded by friends and family, he was about to step out on to the balcony, before tens of thousands of assembled Americans, to take the official oath of office.

Before stepping out, Washington spoke briefly with Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson. His former slave and aide Reebock, now a free man, approached the trio carrying a small bundle.

“Mister Jefferson, Doctor Franklin,” Washington said. “May I present to you my former slave and aide, Reebock, who as a free man has taken the name of Mister Reebock Douglass.” They both shook his right hand as he leaned forward with the small bundle in his left hand.

“I wanted you gentlemen to see this,” Reebock said, pull
ing down the blanket to reveal a small baby that his wife Beyonce had given birth to just last night.”

“He’s beautiful,” Washington said.
“And he’s got his father’s gangsta’ gleam in his eye.”

Jefferson and Franklin leaned forward with
many smiles and oochy woochy coochy coos for the child.

“We were hoping you would be the child’s godfather?” Reebock asked.
“And give the child your blessing?”

“I would be honored,” Washington replied. “What is his name?”

“Frederick,” Reebock replied. “Frederick Douglass.

Washington put his hand upon the child’s forehead and said, “Young Frederick Douglass, may you grow to become a warrior for freedom, as was your father.”

That child would grow into adulthood and would become one of the true champions in the fight for the abolition of slavery.

“Thank you, Sir,” Reebock said. “My only hope is that he can be a warrior equal to any of you three gentlemen,” Reebock said, smiling at Jefferson, Franklin and Washington.

“Warrior?” Franklin asked. “Whatever do you mean? I am a simple inventor and diplomat and printer.”

“And I,” Jefferson added, “
I am merely a writer, and a farmer.”

The four men laughed together for a moment, before Jefferson grew serious.

“I wish Americans could really know what a true warrior and zombie slayer you have been,” Jefferson said to Washington, “How faithfully you fought for their freedom. How much you have sacrificed, even to the loss of your own children.”

“
It was my fate to encounter zombies as a boy, and as a man,” Washington said. “But I was given the knowledge and the skills to defeat them. Most importantly, I was given the faithful friends I needed to complete the task.” Washington hugged the three men as John Adams approached.

“General Washington,” Adams said, “it’s time.”

Washington took a moment to kiss his wife Martha, and to inspect his appearance in the mirror. He installed his blingy, gold and diamond dentures Martha had bought him for Christmas those many years past, and he stepped out to the balcony.

A thunderous cheer rose up from the streets of New York City, with a volume and fullness unequaled to this day. Washington placed his hand on the bible
with a sparkling smile and took the oath of office, adding “so help me God” of his own volition at the end of the oath. Washington soaked in the love and adoration of the multitude awhile, before retiring inside, where a messenger waited for him.

Washington opened the envelope, and saw the message was from the British Brigadier General Chuck O’Hara.
Sent from Britain, it was dated many weeks earlier and had just today arrived by ship. 

General Washington-

I have just today learned of your election as President, and this letter may find you already inaugurated by the time it arrives to you in New York City.

It is also my duty to inform you of the Death of General Cornwallis today after
he took a nasty spill down the basement steps at home and busted his fucking head open like a god-damn melon.

Best of wishes in your new job
and much love,

Sincerely,
   Chuck

George Washington’s hand trembled as he read the letter and he placed it in his coat pocket. The world’s last zombie was gone, and his task as a zombie slayer was now complete. Washington’s life had come full circle.

“What’s wrong?” Marth
a Washington asked, noticing his change in demeanor.

“Nothing,” Washington said with a smile
, and the hint of a tear in his eye. “Everything is perfect,” he added, hugging his wife before he lit up and puffed a blunt and then handed it to Reebock.

“Everything is perfect.”