Get in Trouble: Stories (17 page)

“So what do you want me to do?” I asked her.

“Just do something,”
said.

I had an idea right away.

“Let me out,
.”

We came down here with a bottle of champagne.
asked me to open it. By the time I had the cork out, she’d shut the door. No handle. Just a keypad.

“Eventually you’re going to have to let me out,
.”

“Do you remember the watermelon game?”
says. She’s lying on a divan. We’re reminiscing about the good old times. I think. We were going to have a serious talk. Only it turned out it wasn’t about what I thought it was about. It wasn’t about the movie I’d made. The
erotic film.
It was about the other thing.

“It’s really cold down here,” I say. “I’m going to catch a cold.”

“Tough,”
says.

I pace a bit. “The watermelon game. With
’s
unicorn?”
’s
mother is twice as rich as God.
’s
pyramid is three times the size of
’s.
She kisses like a fish, fucks like a fiend, and her hobby is breeding chimeras. Most of the estates around here have a real problem with unicorns now,
thanks to
. They’re territorial. You don’t mess with them in mating season.

Anyway, I came up with this variation on French bullfighting,
Taureau Piscine
, except with unicorns. You got a point every time you and the unicorn were in the swimming pool together. We did
Licorne Pasteque
, too. Brought out a side table and a couple of chairs and set them up on the lawn. Cut up the watermelon and took turns. You can eat the watermelon, but only while you’re sitting at the table. Meanwhile the unicorn is getting more and more pissed off that you’re in its territory.

It was insanely awesome until the stupid unicorn broke its leg going into the pool, and somebody had to come and put a bullet in its head. Plus, the Olds got mad about one of the chairs. Turned out to be an antique. Priceless. The unicorn broke the back to kindling.

“Do you remember how
cried and cried?”
says. Even this is part of the happy memory for
. She hates
. Why? Some boring reason. I forget the specifics. Here’s the gist of it:
is fat.
is a bitch.