Get Smart 1 - Get Smart! (12 page)

Chief:
Well,
try
to remember! The address is no help unless I have the apartment number.

Fang:
Rorff!

Chief:
Yes, that might work. But, incidentally, there is no “p” in “radar.” It’s spelled “r-a-d-a-r.” We’ll give it a try, anyway. You howl, and we’ll see if we can pick it up on the radar screen here at Control. Ready? Go!

Fang:
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!

Chief:
Good work, Fang! We got it! You’re in apartment four-oh-one. I’ll have a man there in a jiffy! It just so happens that we have an agent on duty at the entrance. Regards to Max, Fang!”

Fang hung up. “Rorff!” he barked.

“That was nice of him,” Max said. “I was afraid he might be a bit peeved.”

“What happened?” Blossom said.

“The Chief sent his regards.”

“No, I mean is he going to do something?”

“Help is on the way,” Max said. “94 is on his way up.”

“Oh . . . that’s nice. I wonder if he’s still married.”

A few minutes later there was a sound outside the door. Then the lock was turned and the door opened.

“Good work, 94!” Max said. He indicated Noel. “Now, I have another assignment for you. I have reason to suspect that this young lady is a FLAG agent. Take her to Control and have her interrogated!”

“Couldn’t
I
go with him, instead?” Blossom said.

“I don’t think my wife would approve,” 94 said. “I better take the other one.”

“I want you with me,” Max said to Blossom. “Don’t forget, we’re still on the trail of Fred. And when we find him, you may have some influence with him. Our mission is to bring him back.”

“Oh, fudge.”

They hurried from the apartment. Rushing down the corridor they heard sounds of scuffling behind them, coming from the apartment.

“Sounds as if 94 is having a little trouble with that FLAG agent,” Max said. “I hope he doesn’t have to get too rough with her.”

Blossom sighed. “And to think, that could be
me
back there wrestling with 94!”

They descended in the elevator and got into Max’s car. He started the engine and the car roared off.

“Where are we going?” Blossom said.

Max turned to her, looked at her for a second, then pulled back over to the curb. “I guess we
had
better decide that before we go any further,” he said.

“It’s hopeless,” Blossom said. “There’s the whole of New York City to look in, and we don’t even know where to start.”

“I beg to differ. We know that Fred took Boris’s place on that tour. All we have to do is find Boris, ask him which tour it was he was on, then find the tour, and pick out the computer who took Boris’s place. That doesn’t strike me as being so difficult.”

“But how do we find Boris?”

“Now that,
that’s
difficult.”

“Rorff!”

“Where?” Max said excitedly.

“Rorff!”

“Oh . . . yes, I see!” He stepped on the accelerator and the car roared back into traffic.

“What did he say, for heaven’s sake!” Blossom said.

“He said Boris just passed by driving a sight-seeing bus,” Max replied. “That one right up there, straight ahead of us!”

“Yes . . . I see it!”

“It’s the typical situation,” Max said. “Boris, the typical tourist, probably ran out of money. His eyes were too big for his purse. So, he got himself a job. Doing the one thing he knows best by now—sight-seeing.”

“Hurry! He’s going so fast!”

Max speeded up, and pulled up alongside the bus. “There’s only one passenger,” Blossom said. “And, look! It’s Fred!”

“Talk about your coincidences!” Max said.

“I’ll try to get his attention,” Blossom said. She yelled. “Yoo-hoo! Fred! Yoo-hoo! It’s me!”

Seeing her, Fred rolled his eyes.

“Get Boris’s attention!” Max said. “He’s the one who’s driving!”

“Yoo-hoo! Boris! Yoo-hoo!”

“Ah . . . he sees you!”

“He’s going faster!”

“He’s ashamed—probably doesn’t want us to know that he made a fool of himself and had to take a job,” Max said.

“He’s getting away!”

“Hardly!” Max said. He stepped harder on the accelerator and pulled up alongside the bus again. “I’ll cut him off,” he said. He turned the car gradually in toward the bus, until finally the bus had to stop.

Max, Blossom and Fang jumped out of the car and hurried to the front door of the bus. It opened. They climbed aboard. And found themselves face to face with a pistol.

“Stuck ’em up!” Boris said.

“Aren’t you carrying this a bit far, Boris?” Max said. “Do you think it really matters to us that you spent all your money and had to take a job? As far as we’re concerned, you’re the same old Boris. Now put down that gun. Murdering us and disposing of our bodies won’t keep your secret. There’ll be other tourists from Zinzinotti on this bus, and one of them is sure to spot you.”

Boris clapped a hand to his brow. “I can’t stand it! This stupidity! I’ll tell you,” he said. “I’m not a tourist, I’m a FLAG agent!”

Max winced. “Boris, I’m very disappointed!”

“You are also my captives,” Boris said, waving the gun. “Move to the back of the bus!”

Blossom turned to Fred. “Fred! Do something!” Fred’s arm raised. The nickel dropped into his slot. “Peep-a-dotta, poop-a-dotta, dippa-dotta-boop!” His eyes rolled. The lemons came up. He spoke:

“Computer who tries to ‘do something’ when FLAG agent holding gun on him has no more brains than you-know-who.”

“He means you,” Blossom said to Max.

“I hardly think so. He’s probably talking about the person who put him together while watching an old Charlie Chan movie.”

“Back! Back!” Boris commanded.

Max, Blossom and Fang retreated.

“Under the rear seat you will find snorkels,” Boris said. “Put them on!”

“Snorkels? You mean that underwater diving gear? What’s that for?” Max said.

“That’s for me to know and you to find out,” Boris snarled. “Put it on!”

Max, Blossom and Fang each donned a snorkel.

Boris snickered. “Excuse me,” he said, “but you look very strange standing in the back of a bus wearing diving gear.”

“All right,” Max said sharply, “you were looking for a laugh and now you’ve had it. May we take off this ridiculous equipment?”

“Take a word of advice,” Boris said. “Don’t do it. You’ll regret it.” He moved back to the front of the bus. “You, Fred—you come with me,” he said.

Fred followed him.

When they reached the front, Boris said to Fred, “Stand by the door.” Then he got behind the wheel and started the bus moving again.

“He’s taking us someplace,” Blossom said.

“I hope it’s not the regular tour,” Max said. “I’ve seen Chinatown.”

“We’re heading east,” Blossom said.

“Well, he can only go so far in that direction. In time, he’ll come to the East River and have to stop.”

“I’ll bet he’s taking us to that submarine,” Blossom said.

“How many times do I have to tell you, there is no sub—”

Boris suddenly jumped up out of the driver’s seat. “Smooth sailing!” he called out.

“Boris! No!”

Boris opened the front door, shoved Fred out, then leaped after him. “Bon voyage!” he called back.

“Max!” Blossom shrieked. “The bus! It’s headed straight for the river!”

“Well . . . there you are, there’s your explanation,” Max said. “When Boris made us put on these snorkels, I thought he’d flipped his lid. But he knew what he was doing all along. That’s a relief.”

The bus lunged out into space—then nosed downward toward the river.

“Quick!” Max called. “Out the emergency exit!” He pulled the lever on the emergency door and shoved the door open. “Ladies first!”

Blossom jumped.

“Let’s see now, which is it, gentlemen or dogs second?” Max said.

Fang jumped.

“Well, that answers that,” Max said, following Fang out.

When Max bobbed to the surface a few seconds later he found Blossom and Fang already there. There was also another party present—a thin, pipe-like person, who had only one eye, which was located on top of his head.

“I don’t believe we’ve met,” Max said.

“Max! You’re talking to a periscope!” Blossom said.

“I don’t think the middle of the East River is anyplace to be choosy,” Max said. “Besides, he winked at me.”

“Ooooh!” Blossom shrieked. “We’re rising!”

The submarine was surfacing, taking Max, Blossom and Fang with it. A moment later they found themselves on its deck. A hatch cover opened. A head appeared. It was the head of a man. He was wearing a captain’s cap and a monocle in each eye.

“Welcome aboard,” the man said genially. “I am Captain 49, and you are my prisoners.”

“I take it back,” Max said. “We
have
met somewhere before, haven’t we?”

“That is correct,” the Captain smiled.

“I just can’t place the face,” Max said.

“I was sure you would remember—the summer of ‘61.”

“Ahhhhhhhh, yes,” Max nodded. “I’m not very good on faces, but I never forget a summer.”

“And even more recently,” Captain 49 said.

“Of course! You’re 94! 49 is 94 backwards! I should have known the instant I saw the two monocles!”

“What does that mean?” Blossom said.

“Obvious, isn’t it?” Max said. “He’s an agent for both sides—94 for us, and 49 for them, In other words, two monocles—a double agent!”

“Gee,” she said disappointedly, “and I thought he was just a nice guy that might be willing to dump his three wives if he had the right incentive.”

“You are very clever, Smart,” 49 said. “It will be a pleasure to joust wits with you. But now, come aboard. We are about to submerge.”

Max, Blossom and Fang followed 49 through the hatchway. Inside, Max said, “You’re pretty clever yourself, 49. Hiding a submarine in the East River is a neat trick. Especially when you consider that it’s impossible.”

“Coming from a man with your brains, I consider that a compliment indeed,” 49 smiled.

“Rorff!”

“What did he say?”

“He said that if we’re going to submerge somebody better close the hatch cover,” Max translated.

“Oh, yes . . . I keep forgetting that,” 49 said, closing the hatch cover.

“I suppose you intend to torture us now,” Max said.

“I hadn’t thought of it,” Captain 49 replied. “But that’s an excellent idea. First however, I must give the order to submerge.” He picked up the transmitter of an intercom system and spoke into it. “This is the Captain. Submerge!”

From a speaker overhead came a reply. “What, Captain?”

“Submerge! Submerge!”

Again, a reply. “Is that up or down, Captain?”

“Down, you idiot! Take it down!”

“Okay, okay,” replied the voice. “You don’t have to get in a tizzy about it!”

“Aiiiii!” Captain 49 groaned. “I’m surrounded by incompetents!” To Max, he said, “It’s nice to have a fellow brain aboard—even if not for long.”

“Meaning?” Max said.

“Meaning, of course, that I must destroy you,” Captain 49 replied. “With you alive, there is a possibility that you might abort our mission. Consequently . . . well, it is self-explanatory.”

“Your mission,” Max said. “If you mean robotnapping Fred, your mission has already been accomplished. He’s in the hands of Boris.”

“Oh . . . that,” Captain 49 smiled. “That is only a bit of moonlighting that Boris is doing. Actually, we are here to destroy the U.N. Building. But, since We were here anyway, Boris said, ‘Why not robotnap Fred, and make a full day’s work of it?’ Naturally, I gave in to his little whim. That is how one keeps one’s comrades happy. All work and no play makes Boris a dull agent, you know.”

Max eyed him narrowly. “You say you intend to destroy the U.N. Building . . . just how do you intend to do it, may I ask?”

“Simple. With one torpedo.”

“You’ll never get away with it!” Max snapped.

“And why not?”

“Because you’re a Bad Guy, and Bad Guys never win!”

“Ho-ho!” Captain 49 laughed. “We shall see about that! Come. I will show you my torpedo tube. Perhaps then you will change your mind.”

Captain 49 led them through the submarine to a forward compartment. “This is my torpedo tube,” he said, reaching there. “And this,” he said, pointing to a torpedo-like object, “is my torpedo.”

“I see,” Max said reflectively. “And what time is Zero Hour?”

“Seventeen-hundred hours,” Captain 49 replied. “Exactly what time is that?”

“Oh . . . around five-ish.”

“That gives me only fifteen minutes to abort your mission,” Max said. “You were right—this will truly be a test of wits!”

“Yes,” Captain 49 smiled, “since you will now be bound and gagged and locked in my cabin.” He spoke into the intercom again. “This is the captain speaking. Send a guard forward to pick up three prisoners.”

The voice replied. “Where is ‘forward,’ Captain?”

“Up front, you numbskull!”

“Yah, yah, yah! I suppose you know everything!” the voice sneered.

“Aiiiiiii-yi-yi!”

A seaman appeared a few moments later. He led Max,. Blossom and Fang to the Captain’s cabin, then bound them with rope and gagged them.

The minute he was gone, Max said, “Mmmmmmph!”

“Blfgplemlph!” Blossom answered irritably.

“Rorff!” Fang barked. The seaman had neglected to gag him.

“Prgaphooft!” Max said to Fang.

Instantly, Fang began chewing on the knot at his paws. A second later, he had it undone. Next, he removed the gag from Max’s mouth.

“I knew that knot would be a cinch,” Max said, struggling against his ropes.

Fang removed Blossom’s gag. “How? How did you know?” she said.

“The efficiency of the seamen aboard this junk is appalling,” Max said. “I knew they wouldn’t be very good at knots. Now,” he said to Fang, “Come over here and untie me.”

In less than a minute, both Max and Blossom were free again.

Max rushed to the cabin door. But it was locked.

“Stand back!” he said. “I’m going to break it down!”

“But Max—”

Blossom’s protest was too late. Max was already hurtling toward the door. He hit it! And bounced back a good ten feet, landing in a sprawled position on the floor.