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She lost her mind. She wept like her legs were being sawed off. The
captain hugged her and looked at me. Determination crossed him.

“Let's get out of here.”

He tossed me his extra curved pirate sword. We joined his crew and
massacred zombies as we made for the front door. Outside the fitness
center, the cops had their hands full with zombies and pirates. The
captain's ship – floating in the air by a large balloon –
fired its cannons and blew up tanks and helicopters. A cannonball hit
a cop. I covered my face from the splash of blood and meat. Ropes
fell in front of us. We grabbed on and were pulled up onto the
airship. Cops shot at us as we floated away. The zombies jumped on
them and made their bellies full.

I saw Lord Womp, surrounded by piles of dead bodies, throw his empty
gun at us and hop around with a passion, shouting profanities at us.
When we reached the ocean, the captain gave the order, and the ship
detached from the giant balloon.

We splashed onto the water and sailed off into the sunset.

PART THREE

A Pirate's Life For Me

We lived on the sea with Capt. Gold Mouth for a year, joining him on
many adventures. He married Seria on the ship. I watched the ceremony
from far away, scrubbing the floors. That was my job – cleaning
– and I wasn't complaining. The captain paid me in booze. It
was ironic, because a lot of the time I was mopping up my own
drunk-vomit.

Capt. Gold Mouth prepared us for a great raid. We were going to land
on an island called Vagar. He said it was filled with zombies, but if
we could just slice and dice through, we'd be treated to all the gold
we could carry. We agreed to do it. Capt. Gold Mouth was skeptical
that I could manage. I told him not to worry – that I did just
fine back at Sweat Zombies. He gave in and let me come along. Once we
got on shore, all shit got loose. The walking dead were all over us –
running out of the woods, falling from the trees, goddamn popping up
from the sand like Jack in the Boxes. There were too many of them.

I'm ashamed to say I panicked and
ran into the ocean, toward the ship, tripping and swallowing water as
I went. I looked behind me and saw our captain biting off zombie
hands and feet and faces with his gold teeth. It was amazing. I went
back to make up for my cowardice, but it was all over. Three people
died. We got all the treasure we could and got out of there before
rivaling ships stopped us. The captain never again let me come along
on missions. People died because of
me
– because of my mental weakness. Depression set in. Hidden deep
in the ship, I'd drink a variety of wine coolers and stuff my black
hole with a plethora of meats.

Over the months, I started gaining massive weight. The crew hated me.
They saw me as a morbidly obese coward, not fit to even be a janitor
on a pirate ship. They complained to the captain that I was eating
all their food and slowing the ship down. It was true. I had let
myself go to the point of ridiculousness. My clothes got too tight,
so I had to start wearing giant sacks. Sometimes when I walked around
mopping the floors, my feet would fall through the boards. It was
embarrassing. And still, I ate. I loved the taste of food and drink.
I gave myself to them – to my lovers.

All those days at the fitness center...for nothing.

I'd go to sleep at night, worried. Was I worthless? Was the crew
devising a plan to get rid of me? What was Capt. Gold Mouth planning
to do with me? What was next? Was my mind playing tricks on me?
Should I do everyone a favor and kill myself? Should I drink myself
to death?

Maybe I should stop going to bed drunk.

The Demon was getting to me.

Near the end of the year, Capt. Gold Mouth made another mission
announcement. We were heading for Warui Island, in Japan. Legend had
it that in the heart of the mountains was a giant skull of a
Tyrannosaurus rex. Inside it was a giant diamond. If we could get
through the Asian natives, it was ours. Did we want to go? Everyone
raised their swords into the air and cheered. I did, too. Everyone
looked at me and scowled. I put my arms down and looked sad.

We sailed away....

Right when the island was in sight, a ship started shooting its
cannons at us. Wood exploded all around me. Bodies were shredded by
splinters. My ears rung. Our captain ran around and shouted at us to
do this and do that. Seria wanted to know who was firing on us. He
said it was Lady Rino Watashi, the Japanese killer of foreigners. Her
ship rammed into ours, breaking us in two. Rino's crew of wailing,
all-girl pirates dressed like lawyers waved around their swords and
jumped us. They were experts in slaughtering foreigners.

I jumped into the ocean and watched as the ships – all at once
– fired their cannons. Everything blew up in an amazing display
of smoke and fireworks and bodies and treasure. I ducked and swam
down to protect myself from the debris. I headed for the island. A
shark came at me like a torpedo. Remembering what I saw on a
documentary once, I punched the shark in the face. It hovered there
for a second, shook the cobwebs out of its head, then shrugged and
swam away.

I lived on that shore for two days,
eating raw fish and sleeping on the sand. One night, I heard a crash
in the woods. I investigated, spear in hand. I saw a native child
caught under a coconut tree. She looked like a young Elaine....At
first she was afraid of my amazing bulk, but she calmed down when it
was clear that I was gonna help her. I reached under the tree and did
all I could to lift it off. Natives ran in screaming and blew darts
at my arms. I didn't care. My only concern was freeing
her
.
She spoke in Japanese to her friends to stop screwing around. They
apologized and joined in and helped me. Together, we got that tree
off of her.

Carrying her on my shoulder back to their village, I became a hero.
They sucked the poison out of my arms and put a crown onto my head. I
learned to live with them. At first, I communicated by pointing at
things and grunting. Eventually, I learned a few basic words. To earn
my keep, I gave people massages. I guess all those years typing gave
me expert fingers. The natives were always very grateful and kept
putting food into my mouth. Then things got bad....

One time, I was on a hunt with some of the boys. We saw a cow.
Wanting to show off my skills, I decided to kill it by myself. I
crept through some bushes and raised my spear. I stepped on a branch.
The cow looked up at me. What I saw shattered my brain. It was a
bewildered Elaine with a cow's body. I screamed like a girl and ran
through the woods. At the village, even the chickens had her face. I
ran around the place confused. I saw Elaine everywhere. Everyone from
the very old to the very young had her adult face. It was disturbing.
The local witchdoctor with the disgusting bone through his nose tried
explaining it to me, but I didn't understand 100%.

All I got was, “Poison...arms...death...home.”

I nodded.

“Domo arigato.”

But if I had to guess, I'd say they
weren't able to get all the poison out of my system. The stuff worked
its magic....My brain rotted. The sickness had me, and I started
throwing up weird worms that would chase after me. My eyesight
failed. My legs got weak. My skin turned green. My tongue was black.
All my teeth fell out, and I think I even swallowed some. Each day, I
was losing an amazing amount of weight, and yet, I kept eating every
chicken and cow in sight – raw. After a year, I was a walking
skeleton wrapped in skin. I had a long, gray beard that covered my
nude bits. People were afraid of me. Called me a zombie. They'd point
and scream, “Kyonshi!” and run away. Eventually, the
entire village relocated to the other side of the island. I was alone
– just me on a log, staring into a fire. And then I
heard
her.

Elaine.

She was calling for me.

Body aching, I jumped up, feeling like I had aged a hundred years. I
walked around, begging, “Where are you?”

“The ocean,” she said, words echoing. “Find me
there. Please. I miss you. I love you.”

A new energy filled me. I used a stick as a cane and walked into the
ocean and swam off. Something was coming for me...something up ahead.
Whatever it was got closer...faster and faster. It was her. Elaine.
Smiling over the water...coming at me like a torpedo.

I opened my arms and embraced her. Kissed her.

Mine forever. Finally.

Finally.

The Zombie Hunter's Bible

REVIEWS

“The
attention to detail is mind-boggling!”

-Staci
Wilson, About.com

“Enjoy
this book {while you can}…because you won't be laughing when
the zombies come! A must-have for people with zombie-shelters in
their basements, because Armageddon is boring and entertainment is
hard to come by in a basement.”

-Ron
Cunningham “The Horrorist,” Editor

www.horrorwatch.com

“Raym
C. Hensley – with his Zombie Hunter's Guide – has found a
new use for the alphabet. An ethical and practical manual for
survival in the great Zombie apocalypse. Don’t go to the Mall
without it!”

-Tom
Sullivan, The Evil Dead,

www.darkageproductions.com

“A
wry and erudite tome that belongs on the shelf of every dedicated
Zombie Hunter!”

-John
McLean

Writer/Director
of Z: A ZOMBIE MUSICAL

WARNING

This
book is a work of fiction. The information contained within these
pages is for entertainment purposes only.

CONTENTS

Preface – Understanding the Zombie

PART
ONE

Preparation

The
Professional Hunter of THE UNDEAD

Ethics –
the hunter’s code

A history
of hunting

Types

The
Legends

Mistakes

The future

The
Unsafe Zombie

Ethics –
the zombie code

A history
of eating

Zombie
types

Legends

Training

Skills

Dieting

Weapons

Exercising

Creating
your Practice Zombie

Tool
Kit

Things you
need

Things you
don’t need

Dress
code

Choosing
the Sidekick

Skills

Attitude

Health

Vomiting

The
Sidekick’s Code

Pay rate

Insurance

Sample
application

Orientation
sheet

PART
TWO

The
Journey & The Hunt

On
the Road

Vehicle

Rest
stops, Allowed

Sleep

Foods

The
authorities: “Lies & Diversions”

Searching
the Zombie

Undead
clues

Trapping
the Zombie

Creating
Zombie traps

Containing
the zombie

Obtaining
the zombie “sample”

Disposal

Fight

Proper
Zombie Calling

Proper
Human Identification

The FEAR
of killing

Fighting
against a zombie and/or his parts

Forms of
Zombie Attack, or: HOW THEY TRICK YOU

Attack
Strategies:

—Against
single zombie

—Against
zombie groups

Zombie
decomposition, Results from

Proper
‘Weaponry Transplant’ procedures

Hunting
in Zombie Infested Territories

Forests

Deserts

Cemeteries

Houses

Mansions

Churches

Supermarkets

Bathrooms

Boats

Mountains

Shopping
malls

Cabins

Food

What is
starvation?

How to
properly cook a zombie*

Illness

Unleashing
your bodily waste

Proper
fecal matter disposal

Proper
urine & fecal matter locations

The perils
of bodily waste consumption

Sexual
intercourse

Choosing
the right zombie

Protection

Cleaning
up

How
Zombies View our Dimension

Disguising
Yourself As A Zombie

Rewards &
Tribulations

Moaning,
Walking, and Eating

A Zombie’s
Fashion Sense

How
to Develop your Sense of Hearing

Living
Dead Animals

Persona

IF
YOU ARE BITTEN

A
Philosophical theory

Going
Home

Transporting
your zombie

Surprising
stops

Police
avoidance

Properly
walking your zombie toward your home

Handling
the Neighbors with Love

—The
Female Orgasm

Creating
your very own Zombie Storage Facility

Tools &
necessities

PART
THREE