Get Zombie: 8-Book Set (22 page)

Cecil Toots

Age: 18

Nationality: White

In 1435, the world
met the first “child” zombie hunter. All that is known of
her comes from a torn manuscript found in Persia by a blind woman. It
begins by describing a young, ugly girl who is in the process of
being raped by a burly woodsman, apparently calling himself Sweet
Tongue.

The tale is as
follows:

“…And
yes once Sweet fell himself onto her, then it was then that this man
called Sweet Tongue felt cold fingers around his tickled spine.
Sweet, yes, he yelled out “Oh no, my Lord do not forsake me!
For the skinny fingers at my back belong to those of lame corpses
back from the great home of Death!”… And yes Sweet he
did try to run but it was foolish for then the dead bodies oh these
bodies that have risen from the grave they slapped their hands around
his thighs and ate at him…Cecil Toots killed the dead things.”

—
Unknown
manuscript

page
number destroyed

Dr. Van Helsing

Age: 80

Nationality: Unknown

The most popular and
beloved of all hunters, Dr. Van Helsing, is known for slaying the
king of “blood suckers” known as The Dracula, who resided
in Transylvania. This vampire spawned many children with many women –
offspring that also bore the title of “The Dracula”.

In the Philippines he
is called The Dingus; in Germany, Dongalinger; and in Japanese Land
he goes by the distinction of Japanese Dracula, portrayed
respectfully in the anime Vampire Hunter D, directed by Yoshiaki
Kawajiri, who also worked on The Animatrix and Highlander: Vengeance.

It is unheard of
whether Dr. Van Helsing did battle against these bonus Draculas.
Little is actually known about him after his foray with the
Transylvanian vampire. Speculation grew that he was actually bitten
and therefore turned into a vampire himself! Later committing suicide
by swimming until the sun rose. Some think he began a successful
bicycle shop in China, and learned Cantonese, a language he spoke
fluently.

And yet, there are
those that believe, to this very day, that he married a princess.

Dr. Van Helsing’s
most famous exploits were recently displayed in the 2004 film
creatively titled Van Helsing. He was brilliantly portrayed in an
Oscar worthy performance by a veteran of theatre and Broadway,
actor’s actor Hugh Jackman.

Mistakes

Not all zombie
hunters are intelligent or strong-willed enough to handle the
stresses of this hazardous occupation. As a matter of fact, more
hunters have been shamed than those that have been praised.

1966, New York

Magazine editor, and
professional zombie hunter of 23 years, Rachel Lee, was caught by the
authorities after seen running down an undisclosed street in the nude
and waving about a huge, “frightening” samurai sword. She
would later tell – after hours of interrogation – the
story of how she encountered two elderly zombies and suffered the
traumatic consequences.

Three hours earlier,
coming home from work, Mrs. Lee walked into her apartment and heard a
shriek from the dwelling down the hall. She opened her zombie attack
box (all this told to the police, mind you) and took out her samurai
sword. She ran out and kicked down her neighbor’s front door to
find an old woman staring up and pointing at an old man, swinging
from the ceiling fan by a rope tied around his neck.

Upon soothing the
disheveled old woman, the dead body of the old man grunted and ate
through the rope and fell to the floor and tumbled to the old woman’s
feet.

This old man crawled
and proceeded to grab at the old woman, who cheered in joy at her
husband’s sudden resurrection. Her joy was short-lived, for her
husband began eating her, to death.

It was at this point
that Rachel attacked the old man, ultimately severing head from
torso. Apparently, happy with her results, Rachel turned to leave
when the head rolled – on its own power! – to her heel
and fed on it.

Rachel was filled
with much rage and kicked the head through a poorly made wall. The
old woman came back to life and ripped Rachel’s clothes off and
then her own clothes while drooling in a mad way. Rachel cried and
hacked the old woman into such tiny pieces that the authorities later
exclaimed: “She is but a puzzle. Oh sweat, Jesus. Now what?”

After 30 years of
careful, psychiatric evaluation and physical therapy, Rachel was
deemed fit for high security prison and was sentenced for
first-degree murder.

Rachel was a
diabetic.

Honolulu, HI, 1979

A downtown
businessman got off the bus at Ala Moana Shopping Center one morning
and saw, to his utter amazement, a woman with no lower half crawling
along the beach with a rose in her mouth. His exact words were, as
recorded in the Honolulu Weekly: “She had no legs…Something
inside of me wanted to scream out weird sounds. I wanted to help her.
I wanted to hold her hand. I wanted to kiss that hand. Then her
mouth…My wife left me recently. She wants a divorce. I hope
she didn’t marry me just for my money…Oh no…I’m
so lonely. I cry sometimes when I bathe.”

The woman made eye
contact with this man and snarled and made her way – quickly –
toward him. The man was frozen with fear and was just about to scream
out in terror, when a nude person painted in black, from head to toe,
jumped on the woman’s back and wrestled her into the ocean.
This unknown hunter ran a stake-like utensil through the zombie’s
brain, killing it instantaneously. The stranger walked up to the
businessman and, upon seeing his scared, trembling hands, offered
marijuana cigarettes as a way to help calm him.

The businessman
stopped shaking immediately, revealed himself as an undercover
officer, and arrested the hunter. One week later, the person was
found dead in his prison cell, committing suicide via pillow, which
was found in his throat.

A small funeral was
made.

There was an
attendee.

(This hunter was a
mute. Nothing more is yet known publicly of this person. Sadly, not
even gender.)

Greenville,
Florida, 1989

While traversing
through the woods, Sarah Zonner, age 30, unpacked her purse and began
to consume alcoholic beverages. Upon immediate regurgitation, Sarah
witnessed a group of lumbering bodies in the distance, appearing from
behind a pile of fallen, burning trees.

A deer ran past. The
people made, in her own words, “curious, sexy moaning sounds”.
As they followed the deer – their arms were held out in front
of them. Some people fell. Further inspection revealed that they all
showcased various lacerations on the face and limbs and genitalia.
Sarah moaned slowly, in horror, then tripped and fell. She shrieked,
as softly as possible, but it was to no desirable effect. The living
dead ignored the deer in favor of making contact with Sarah Zonner.

One zombie looked
over its shoulder to get a better look at her. Sarah believes that
its head clicked then fell off, hitting the mud, hard, “like a
stink bowling ball”.

Days later, the local
forest police found her inside a hollow tree, shriveled and
disheveled. She would later describe her story to them with a shaky
voice and a trembling, ever extending finger.

The contents of her
purse revealed these items:

a) 1 empty bottle of
Bacardi 151

b) 1 unused female
undergarment

c) 2 used bras

d) 5 apples

e) 2 copies of “The
Zombie Hunter’s Bible” –stained with mud

Upon further
questioning in regards to the last items, Sarah Zonner became
agitated and began spitting uncontrollably. She then spat
controllably – purposefully aiming at the authorities, cursing
at them in sudden German. The officers retaliated.

The troubled woman
was washed down with a strong fire hose – a struggle that would
go on for three hours. Suddenly, blacked out by exhaustion, she was
handcuffed at the wrists and ankles. The damages to the police
station were insurmountable. A car was found inside, with a bear.
Four officers were fired, three officers were disfigured with bizarre
bruises, and one Chief resigned.

Sarah Zonner
currently awaits trail for various problems.

She could never speak
German before.

Hilo, Hawaii 1943

On a steep
mountaintop, Staci Avati, age 16, white, Taurus, was riding her dirt
bike down a dirty road when she saw something hideous –
something that made her stop and hide in a ditch. An armless,
nameless female woman stood in the middle of the road. Her back was
to Staci. The stranger didn’t move, even when Staci threw a
small watermelon at her.

An amateurish zombie
hunter, Staci immediately knew what it was and what to do. She had
been training for this day – independently – since age
10. Staci pulled her dad’s shotgun from her backpack and crept
behind the zombie. She pressed the weapon against the back of its
skull…and pulled the trigger. The woman flew 500 feet into the
distance.

Staci was arrested by
local, Hawaiian mountain police for murdering a mute, retarded woman
who was armless.

They had been
watching the whole time from within the bushes.

The Future…

So long as the undead
continue to rise, there will always be a zombie hunter nearby, ready
to protect the fragile. Hunters are evolving with the times, many
already utilizing modern-day electronics and weaponry, such as the
cellular phone and the Ipod mini.

With such advances in
science and technology, the growing number of sidekicks turning into
hunters, and human intelligence continually increasing throughout the
centuries, the fight against the living dead will be a much more
pleasant one.

The Unsafe Zombie

Ethics

Zombies are like
babies. They’re very hard to understand. To comprehend the
living dead – or Revenants, as they were called during the
Renaissance – one must study them on the field and interact
with them in a professional manner. Much has been learned throughout
the decades. Contrary to popular belief, the zombie does have an
ethical code.

No
eating of fellow zombie.

No
sexual advances toward fellow zombie.

No
bigots.

No
arguing with fellow zombie, either verbally or in a mime-like
fashion.

No
crying.

It would benefit the
zombie hunter a great deal to memorize the undead’s ethical
standards. In doing so, one will find it much easier to identify a
member of the living dead. Be warned, for no two zombies are entirely
the same. In fact, many stray from the system – ignoring one,
two, sometimes even three principles governing the zombie code.

Some ignore it
entirely.

To this day, it is
unknown whether doing so results in any kind of corporal punishment
by their administrators.

Assuming that such
authority governs them.

A History Of
Eating

The Living Dead have
been with us since the dawn of man. Throughout history, cultures have
recorded their actions in every media. They have been perceived –
erroneously – as vampires, ghouls, ghosts, banshees, aliens,
and yes, even Frankensteins. We say “erroneously” because
the zombie belongs to a rather distinct branch of the Living Dead,
one called The Shallow Branch (mentally and physically).

Unlike vampires, a
zombie cares not for romanticism or the simple consumption of blood,
and unlike ghosts, the zombie is not shy. On the contrary, they are
the most confident of the lot, sometimes seen going into battle
against 5, 10, 30, 2 hunters with no evidence of trepidation.

In a timeless,
horrific tale recorded by Swedish priest and practicing farmer Hatori
Honzi, a zombie was once seen worrying an imported ox. The animal,
irritated by the zombie, ran into it and lifted the woman into the
air with its horns. The zombie landed on the ox’s back and rode
the berserk animal into the sunset.

The ox was never
heard from again.

A zombie does not
worry. They are most dangerous because of this. The hunter can find
herself most fortunate to acquire such fortitude, although it is most
difficult, for humans have feelings. It is this that separates us
from the undead, apart from Life itself. If not for Sadness and Anger
and Fear and Idiotness, the job of the hunter would be a joy and
effortless.

Numerous encounters
with the undead have shown that the only visible emotions a zombie
expresses is Irritation and Confusion. No other emotions have been
witnessed or proven by unanimous vote. A recorded event describing
the zombie’s lack of emotions can be found in the epic Greek
poem This is So Amazing, also expressing a zombie’s disturbing
killer instinct, written by the poet Glacius:

(1) All
that I say is true

Look
what I can do

I bathe
therefore I am new

The
market was full of people

A large
fruit killed a man on the chest

He came
back from the dead

(2) I
patted him on the head

This man
gave out a moan

The
shoppers ran and went home

This
living dead man bit a woman’s face

I was
scared; dear Zeus, I ran in place

His
beautiful blue eyes meet mine

My
masculinity was fine

(3) He
was my best friend Zeus Shrug

I gave
him a mountainous hug

He tried
to eat me, this made me mad

My
friend does not cherish me

This
makes me unglad

The End.

This
is So Amazing

-page
3008

It is unclear how
this magnificent poem has slipped through the pages of classic
literature. For the zombie hunter, much can be profited by
researching history’s various encounters with the zombie. As a
matter of fact, much can – and has been – learned from
the above poem alone. Careful scrutiny of the poem reveals the most
basic of lessons, many of them taboo.