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Dietitians and
nutritionists call this Fasting, with the purpose of cleansing the
body. The hunter must be suspicious, for continuous, deliberate
starvation could be a dangerous sign of anorexia, bulimia, or
craziness.

2. Accidental

If you find yourself
in a desolate, foodless location, or lost your feedbag, or your
sidekick consumed your feedbag, then you are experiencing Accidental
Starvation. It’s not your fault.

The hunter does not
have to go on starving, for, as you shall learn, there is and will
always be food close to you.

How To Properly
Cook A Zombie

First things first:
Bless the meat by drowning it in holy water. Once it has been
cleansed, you may proceed with the following instructions. Zombie
meat can be high in protein, lush with nutrients and quite
fulfilling, depending on the freshness of the corpse. To prepare,
preheat caldron of boiling water over medium flame. Carve flesh off
from a fresh, “living” zombie. Don’t forget to
properly dispose of the creature afterwards. (Disposal, pg.82)

Mince meat into small
cubes and toss into boiling water. Add in pinch of salt and the
entire contents of at least one bottle of Tabasco sauce. Stir every
15 minutes or until meat is softened. Test by mashing meat with
utensil. When ready, turn off or put out flame(s) and serve. (This is
a basic method for zombie stew; for more recipes, please see Zombie
Recipes.)

The key is to boil
thoroughly. The process will purify the zombie meat of any unwanted
substances, as any boy scout will tell you. Later, the hunter is
advised to brush their teeth after every meal and before bedtime.

With fitting
purification of your zombie meat, you have now established a fine
meal. Just be sure that you get a priest to bless the meat first. And
be sure that said priest is a real priest and not just some yahoo
looking for attention and a few extra bucks for beer.

Illness

If you have failed to
properly cook the zombie meat, you may experience a sense of malaise,
cold sweating, throat convulsions, eye-sores, back pains, front
pains, discoloration of nipples, enlargement of nipples, shrinkage of
nipples, vanishing of nipples, panic attacks, triple vision, lack of
tongue control, heart murmurs, sudden deafness, and lock jaw. This is
normal and is no reason for alarm.

The symptoms will
take full effect within 15 minutes after consumption of erroneously
cooked meat. As described by hunter Polly Torrez (UK), in an excerpt
from her upcoming book Rat:

“In nearing the
end of this biography, I shall now describe, in excruciating detail,
what happened to me when I digested poorly prepared zombie meat. My
muscles felt like they were burning. I wanted to explode my throat. I
was seeing things – startling things: Pink bunnies and flying
toasters. She was there as well, riding a flying mushroom and
drinking brandy. I kept hearing phones ringing in my head, so I
picked up one of the phones and on the other end a little voice said
to me “Silencio…Silencio…” My jaw locked. I
had received lockjaw. So I said to my sidekick, “Lockjaw!
Lockjaw!” I never saw her again. Oh, Rat, how I miss you.”

—
Rat,
pg.8

To combat these
symptoms, the patient must drink a combination of water and Wesson
oil every 30 minutes and urinate constantly. Urine must be nice. No
blood is allowed inside. She/he must lie on the ground, face down,
preferably in the sidekick’s lap as they massage the small of
the hunter’s back in tiny circles. This will ease the spleen
and excite the gut. With enough encouragement, the body will sweat
the vile toxins onto the ground.

Instruct your
sidekick to burn the grass. If they ask why you can’t do it
yourself, collapse, and with your eyes closed say that you can’t
because you are so very weak.

Now the vile toxins
must be washed off your skin. Lean against a tree in the nude and
look over your shoulder, gaily. With a strict tone instruct your
sidekick to bathe you with a wet sponge on a stick. While you are
being cleansed, demand that your sidekick keep their eyes open –
for this is a learning experience, and there is much to be learned.

Unleashing your bodily waste

Proper Fecal
Matter Disposal

When your stomach is
done processing your intake, it is now time to release your waste.
Unfortunately, unlike normal litter, zombie fecal matter and urine
liquor is weird. The subject will undergo severe tummy craps (or
cramps) and disturbing leg vibrations. Time will stand still, then
speed up, then stop all together. They will vomit in their mouth, and
then swallow their vomit. Their hair will fall out, and then grow
back, miserably. All of this in under 2 minutes.

Finally, you will
feel a suspenseful tension in your bowels. The hunter must run far
away into the distance away from all vegetation and squat in an open,
dirty field. Your feces will be the first to appear. It will be
stink. Hold your breath and approve yourself. Then prepare your
being. The matter will come out a frightening yellow. Do not panic.
Pulsate your belly. Your feces will come out smooth, yet it will
tickle. Do not scratch.

Urination will
follow. While still in a squatting position, lay your palms against
your belly and push into it continuously at a startling speed. You
will see a purple bead of liquid forming from your penis and/or
vagina.

At the sight of this,
rest on your back and angle your hips skyward. You will suddenly find
that your urine has escaped you and is now streaming into the air at
a hard to believe distance. You have no control over this. The best
you can do is watch and enjoy. (As opposed to feces, the urine is
harmless. In fact, many hunters have found this unusual urine as well
as standard urine useful in soothing rabid jellyfish stings and
secretive insect bites. And then they drink it.)

When you are done,
grip toilet paper or dead leaves and wipe away excrement. If you are
a female hunter, you are reminded that the motion is from front to
back.

Never from back to
front.

The reasons are
healthy.

Proper Urine &
Fecal Matter Locations

As we have touched in
the above topic, there are specific places you must go to (and many
times create) when disposing any kind of bodily waste – whether
the urine or dung are zombie influenced or not. If you have access to
a field, clear a small area of all shrubbery to get a nice patch of
dirt. Dig a deep hole – the deeper the better. When you are
done unleashing your waste, pour it into the hole and then burn the
hole. Plant a daisy over the hole to inform other hunters of what you
have just done.

If you are in a dense
forest, defecate and urinate into a tree trunk; then burn it down,
and salute it.

If on a wonderful
beach, feel free to use the sea as your own personal lavatory. The
fish live there and will applaud your courage…and the free
meal. (Fish are not affected in any way by digested zombie meat. This
bizarre fact is currently being analyzed by the world’s top
scientists and witches.)

The key is to keep
the matter away from you, your sidekick, animals, insects, your baby,
and the local plant life. If the dung is gobbled, intensely sniffed,
sat on, or absorbed, the subject will become a member of the walking
dead and must receive a beating.

The perils of
bodily waste consumption

In times of intense
hunger, when there is no vegetation or animals, or zombies to boil,
you may have an intense need to consume your fecal matter. This is a
desperate attempt and must be avoided at all costs.

Sexual intercourse

Choosing The Right
Zombie

Preferably
a fresh, reanimated corpse

Death by
natural causes

Zero
limb loss – excellent exterior appearance

15-30
years of age

Not yet
embalmed

Bathed

Bowels
cleansed

Protection

CONDOMS

Penis protection
against fanatical germs and venereal diseases. Comes in a variety of
exciting colors and flavors, such as Gum, Banana, Mint, Vanilla,
Chocolate, Rocky Road, Peppermint, Beer, Cigarette, Rash, Book, Baga
Ong, Tilapia, Penis, Mouth, Wrath, and Cherry.

(WARING:
The condom is not fit to be
eaten
.)

Proper application of
condom is as follows:

1. Take out from
wrapper.

2. Roll over 1-30
inch penis (female or life partner may use hands, mouth, or feet).

3. Commence sexual
intercourse.

4. Stop.

5. Throw away after
repeated use (condom).

May be a choking
hazard. Keep away from children. A condom does NOT guarantee
protection against infection and pregnancy.

FEMALE CONDOM

A giant-sized version
of the male condom, which is shoved, carefully, into the female
vagina. Baby-preventing pills may also be taken.

(picture
removed due to

religious
objection)

fig.6

1. Quietly insert the
inner ring into the vagina. Feel the inner ring go up and slither
into place. Place index finger inside condom and push the inner ring
skyward. (fig.6)

(picture
removed due to

religious
objection)

fig.7

2. Do not push condom
too far into vagina. (fig.7)

(picture
removed due to

religious
objection)

fig.8

3. Do not insert
foreign objects into vagina, specifically hammers. (fig.8-9)

4. The female condom
is now in place and ready to be enjoyed with partner. When you are
relaxed, tenderly guide your partner’s penis into the condom's
opening with your hand, foot, or mouth to make sure that it enters
appropriately.

5. Commence sexual
situation.

6. Tap your partner
on the back when you are done.

7. Throw away after
repeated use (condom).

(picture
removed due to

religious
objection)

fig.9
(head in vagina)

May be a choking
hazard. Keep away from children. A female condom does NOT guarantee
protection against infection and pregnancy. Condoms are most
effective if used prior to sexual intercourse.

Cleaning Up

When sexual
intercourse is complete and the zombie is disposed of, remember to
clean any runaway spills or loose meat from off the floor and or
walls. Be sure to inform your sidekick what you have done, so they
will not touch the perilous areas. Hopefully, he or she had been
watching the whole time as a learning experience.

Take the mop and any
other cleaning materials outside and put them into a hole or tree
trunk. Burn them and immediately follow through by pouring concrete
into the hole/trunk.

Notice your sidekick.

Are they shaking? Are
they crying? Mumbling? Put your hands on their shoulders and update
them that everything is going to be okay – that what you just
did was regular and traditional. Be genuine. This will make them feel
better. Guide them back into the house/hut/tent and instruct them to
sit on a rocking chair and watch over the stained areas while you go
to sleep. You must be sure that no animals, insects, or babies eat
the dirty areas.

How Zombies View our Dimension

When Columbus' ships
came near the Caribbean Islands, the Indians plainly couldn’t
see them because they could not understand what they were witnessing.
They had no knowledge of ships – these large beasts that ran on
water. Their spiritualist saw weird wrinkles in the sea, not
comprehending what was happening. Though we do not know what brings a
zombie back from the dead, we DO know how they perceive our
dimension. This is thanks to science – specifically,
theoretical physics.

We are but fishes in
a giant tank at Sea Life Park. All we know is what we see around us –
crabs, rocks, and other fishes (or, as a dolphin on DuckTales once
called them, “Fishies”).

The Tank is our
World. We barely comprehend what lies beyond it. So it is
understandable how shocked we are when we see a strange, distorted
“entity” peeking in at us through the glass, sometimes
waving at us. This “entity” is something we – as
fishies – have an arduous time comprehending. The Zombie views
our world differently than us. For example, instead of seeing a sexy
lady, it sees/hears a massive blob of edible goo on high heels that
shrieks unintelligible words, with various sticks sprouting from it.
Instead of a car hastening towards the zombie, it can only recognize
some kind of weird, monster ice cream cone that can float at an
incredible speed. And a tasty cone, at that.

On the other hand, we
see walking corpses that are disgusting and falling apart and stink.

What if this is a
fallacy? What if we’re only seeing what we have been taught to
see? It is entirely possible that zombies may see themselves
differently. Perhaps she is a lawyer simply ordering a burger at a
fast food restaurant, or a doctor trying to buy a candy bar from the
snack machine. But his dollar bill keeps getting rejected.

You’d be angry,
too.

Perhaps they are
perfectly clean and tidy. And maybe even smell radiant. Zombies and
Humans exist in a universe that, out of ignorance and
narrow-mindedness, neither fully comprehend. Gravity and Time, Life
and Death are pesky illusions. They are our notions. Is the zombie
aware of such things? Therefore, do such things apply to it? Maybe
this is the ever-illusive secret of the walking dead – vampires
and ghosts included.

Indeed, the zombie
lives a simple life where the politics of pain and death are
nonexistent – as if to illustrate mathematician George Bernhard
Riemann’s principle that the laws of nature become
uncomplicated in elevated dimensions. Perhaps, at some point in
Earth’s evolution, these zombies have somehow done, and are
still doing – even with our advanced Science – what we
cannot.