Get Zombie: 8-Book Set (29 page)

Crossover
.

Will we ever know
this as fact? Asking a zombie would be futile. The zombie speaks in a
language that to our ears would be total gibberish and too anguished
to comprehend. It would be as difficult as visualizing a cube in four
dimensions – also known as Hinton’s Cube, or Hypercube,
created by mathematician Charles Hinton as a way to see what objects
appear as in the fourth dimension.

Can a zombie
effortlessly visualize a Hypercube? Can they see into the fourth
dimension?

The above being
addressed, a warning shall be stated here, that we humans must be
careful to not perform the misleading notion of anthropomorphism. We
should never see similarities in these “beings” from
beyond the grave. With their attitude, they are NOT us and will NEVER
be us.

Whether we like it or
not, Wo(Man) and Zombie have coexisted since the recording of
history…and they are here with us to this day. How we humans
choose to view this Universe is entirely a choice any one of us can
make in any given moment at any given day. The same opportunity can
be said for zombies.

Life at Sea Life Park
is one of many possibilities.

Still, the questions
remain: Who are the tourists?

And who are the
Fishies?

Disguising Yourself As A Zombie

Rewards &
Tribulations

When we dress up as a
zombie, we become one with the zombie. They will not want to attack
you, let alone eat you (save for the dreaded Cannibal Zombie). The
rewards are great. Disguised as a zombie, the hunter is able to
approach a member of the walking dead – sometimes even
nose-to-nose! – and cut off their head. There have been
numerous reports from Oahu where hunters have walked up to a zombie
and punched them in the face…and the zombie did nothing. The
hunter and the zombie stand there for many seconds, unflinching, ever
staring into the other’s eyes as the sun sets behind them.

These same hunters
have said that the undead creatures seem to want to cry – that
there is an intense sadness in their eyes. These hunters respond by
embracing the zombie and crying into its soft chest. And yet the
creature does not attack or even attempt to taste the hunter.

Sometimes it does
bewildering things, like pat your head, as one hunter – Mirren
from Makiki – has said, in court, under oath. It is important
not to intimidate the creature. Once disguised, the hunter gains a
sense of power and happiness. They will feel like Gods and walk
around with their chests aimed skyward and their noses pushed
outward. Many will point and laugh at the zombie. This is wrong. The
creature will see through your disguise and try to put its mouth on
you. Many have died this way, resulting in the sidekick completing
the objective and gaining the booty. And yet, punching a zombie does
nothing.

The difficult
characteristic concerning Zombie Disguisitation, or what ancient
Hawaiians refer to as Fisting, is mastering the act of acting.
Failure of this will result in instant death and sad reanimation. Or
worst…years of disfigurement. The following exercise is
guaranteed to strengthen your acting abilities.

Scene:
“Under Attack”

SIDEKICK: Hunter, the
zombie is standing right in front of us. Please advise.

HUNTER: Put your
mouth on it.

SIDEKICK: Yes,
master. (pause) Oh! I am a zombie now! My arms are held out in front
of me and I grow with crazy wishes! Please, refrain from the runs. I
want to put my appetite inside of you.

HUNTER: My tactics
have proven infantile; therefore, I apologize. Have I lost thou,
friend?

SIDEKICK: Come in
with the elk, come in with the elk, come in with the elk…

HUNTER: (to original
zombie) Dear zombie, my sidekick’s thinking patterns are now
weird. His brain is broke. And you did it. Look! I have deceased him.
Yes, zombie, come to me. Quiet or I will blow your throat up.

This exercise must be
repeated at least fifty times to ensure the excellence of your acting
abilities.

Moaning, Walking,
and Eating

The walking dead have
mastered three abilities: Moaning, Walking, and Eating. To be seen as
one of them, YOU, despite their difficulty, must also master these
actions.

Moaning

To moan properly,
exhale deeply. Say the word Propaganda over and over again while
inhaling. Do this many times until you have become familiar with the
word and have become lightheaded. You can practice anywhere, even
during lovemaking. When you are ready, sit in a comfortable chair.
Stand up and face a full-scale mirror. Walk close to the mirror so
your lips are touching it. Repeat what you have practiced.

“Propaganda…Propaganda…Propaganda…”

Do you see feel like
laughing at yourself? Do you feel shamed? This is not acceptable. A
real zombie would not feel shamed. It is unclear why this is. If you
are experiencing disgrace, then you are probably not inhaling
properly. Additional practice is advised. Try having your sidekick
put their fingers in your mouth. Do not make eye contact. Continue to
practice as usual, imagining that your sidekick does NOT have their
fingers in your mouth. This has proven effective for many zombie
hunters.

Pour 10 spoonfuls of
salt and the insides of 30 lemons (pulp included) into a see-though
cup. This must be swallowed each morning for the following 3 months.
Complete the process by gargling with vinegar and then swallowing
your vinegar. The sheer quality of your voice from this point on will
be noticeably breathtaking.

Months later, if you
are disciplined and have been faithful to this moaning exercise, your
throat will produce an effective, non-disgraced sound that will be
applauded by any zombie.

Walking

Be in the nude. Stand
before a full-scale mirror showcasing your state of undress. Hold out
your arms, as any zombie would. Now hop up and down – take huge
jumps, landing in huge squats.

Now take tiny jumps –
focusing on your toes. Practice your moans. Alternate from huge to
tiny jumps until your legs are exhausted. To help you overcome your
disgrace, please have your sidekick watch you, also naked (or nakes).

Stretch out on the
grass and instruct your sidekick to strangle one of your legs. When
it is asleep, thank your sidekick and walk about. You will be joyous
in its difficulty. Nonetheless, you will be dragging your leg and
therefore will be walking appropriately – in zombie conditions.
On the field, when you (and your sidekick) are disguised as zombies,
have your sidekick strangle your leg periodically.

Eating

Zombies are slow,
untidy eaters. Practice this at mealtime or while eating your
sidekick’s meal. Be as messy as possible. Try to get some food
onto your sidekick’s face. Instruct them to not be angry with
you because you are merely acting. If they do not believe that you
are a zombie, have them put their fingers in your mouth.

A Zombie’s
Fashion Sense

Zombies have their
own sense of fashion, and it is Grime. It matters not if the “fresh”
zombie is in a clean business suit or wedding dress or Japanese
schoolgirl uniform. In the end, the zombie is dirty.

When camouflaging
yourself as a member of the walking dead, be wise in not so much what
you wear, but how you wear it. Try rolling around in the mud and then
putting your clothes on and having your sidekick urinate on you.
Smile when they do this, so their bladders do not “lock up”
due to shame. If they wave at you, then the bladder is relaxed.

You could burn your
clothes halfway and then wear them, use your pants as a shirt or your
shirt as pants, even vomit into your undergarments and then wearing
these undergarments (do not regurgitate into undergarments if you
have open wounds). The possibilities are endless. If all else fails,
steal the clothes off a zombie’s back. And then kill the naked
zombie.

How to Develop your Sense of Hearing

The ear. It must be
taken good care of. You must bathe it and protect it. The walking
dead have the terrifying ability to creep while not making the
tiniest of sounds. You will need the ear to detect the approach of
the zombie – especially during nighttime hours.

To further develop
the power of hearing, the hunter would benefit well utilizing a
method known as Barbara’s Monster Box, where the hunter sits in
a large metal box in the dark for one undisturbed week. When the
sidekick lets out the hunter, their sense of hearing (and sight) will
be increased ten-fold. Children must not be put into Barbara’s
Monster Box without written approval by parent or guardian.

(Due to the mental
state of certain hunters as a result from being in Barbara’s
Monster Box for a week, it is advised that the hunter be checked by
the sidekick to make certain they are psychologically ready to be let
free
.)

Living Dead Animals

Persona

The Animal Zombie is
no different in personality than that of the Human Zombie. The
walking dead animal is a slow, moaning, flesh-hungry creature. As
mentioned earlier, animal zombie death is the same as human zombie
death.

The hunter must aim
for total brain ruining.

Below you will be
introduced to typical animal zombies most encountered by the hunter.

CAT

Can be found in
bathtubs, standing on hind feet with back faced toward you. When
disturbed, the zombie cat hisses in reverse, its pitch rising then
lowering. If left alone, the cat will give birth to other troubled
zombie cats via mouth. Though relatively risk-free, the hunter is
still advised to kill the zombie cat to death.

DOG

Stands on streets,
unmoving, drooling. The eyes have been clawed out due to
self-mutilation. The tongue has also been stretched to an amazing
length and lies on the ground, twitching and saddened. The zombie dog
is unique, in that when food is seen, it laughs.

RAT

Moves across the
floor at an incredibly slow speed. Has the bad habit of trying to
crawl into a sleeping human’s mouth. The hunter must be
careful. It is advised that the hunter instruct the sidekick to put
their hand over the hunter’s mouth during sleeping hours and
bathroom hours.

SPIDER

Stores all available
strength into its legs. Hops up and down in place, excelling in
height with each jump. Their goal is to land on the hunter’s
head and burrow into their brain so they can feed. At the same time,
they possess the hunter to jump into the ocean.

When in water, the
spider lays its eggs inside of the skull. When the eggs hatch, it
eats its offspring.

SNAKE

Stands on tip of
tail, resulting in a pole-like appearance. Frightening in form, a
zombie snake by itself is quite harmless. You can pick it up and pet
it. If you wish, you can put your mouth on it. However, if there is a
pack of zombie snakes – and they are surveying the land –
you are to evacuate the area immediately.

When sustenance is
seen, zombie snakes let out an ear shattering “Aiiiiiiiiiii!”
and swallow their neighbor’s tail to form a giant-sized,
standing snake that will hop after you. If you are in reaching
distance, the snakes will fall onto you and render you unconscious,
permitting them to eat you.

LION

Can be found in
grassy areas such as fields and backyards and playgrounds. They have
eaten away their long manes and genitals and rear-legs. When
sustenance is seen, they fall asleep, crying.

MONKEY

Dangles out from tree
by its tail. It’s strange in that the zombie monkey has a metal
box in place of its face. Many a hunter have tried to open these
boxes, and were never heard from again. The legend of the monkey’s
box has grown over the centuries. Some speculate that there is a
treasure inside; while many believe there is nothing at all but the
monkey’s detached facial matter, and wine.

(The selling of wine
found inside a Zombie Monkey is illegal in over 30 states, including
Hawaii.)

PARROT

Trapped in their
cages, these zombie animals can be found in houses and apartment
complexes and pet stores. They do nothing, but sit on their perches,
muttering over and over again “The rose in your back”.
Many have tried to translate what these zombie parrots are talking
about, but have either gone insane or, in some cases, lost weight.

When encountering a
zombie parrot, you are directed to put your hands – or have
your sidekick put their hands – over your ears and simply walk
past. If possible, drape a sheet over the cage. The bird will think
that it is nighttime and fall asleep.

THE YETI

Over the centuries,
speculation has surrounded the Yeti in regards to its existence. The
majority explain No. Yet, this is an erroneous belief. The Yeti has
been with us since American Revolution times. Many thrive in the
sticks of America and the frozen hills of Chinese Land. The Zombie
Yeti is no exemption. As a matter of fact, unlike their living
counterparts, the zombie version of a Yeti can be found lumbering
down your neighborhood streets. They are strong and very obvious. The
only way to kill one is to shove a metal spike through its bulbous,
rock-like head. Many have tried and either have died, or gone
retarded. If you ever so see one, and for whatever reason do not have
a metal spike or a variety of muscles…flee.

KANGAROO

This zombie animal
hibernates in discarded automobiles. When a meal is identified, they
kick open the door, tuck and roll, and collapse onto the ground. Due
to its inability to run, they will simply arch its back and aim its
pouch toward the meal. A sweet, beautiful scent will be emitted,
coaxing the meal to investigate the zombie kangaroo. If in range, the
beautiful scent will instantly turn pong and a baby kangaroo will
pounce onto the victim and burrow into its belly. Throughout this,
the mother kangaroo will be bleeping. Once the meal is killed or
unconscious, the baby kangaroo will put food into its mouth and feed
the mother like a bird.