Getting the Love You Want, 20th An. Ed. (20 page)
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Authors: Ph.D Harville Hendrix
BOOK: Getting the Love You Want, 20th An. Ed.
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TAKEN TOGETHER, THESE new findings about the changeable adult brain, combined with my own observations about couples and similar observations of other Imago Therapists, have changed Imago Therapy. First of all, my colleagues and I no longer encourage couples to direct their archaic rage at each other. The new research shows that dwelling on anger has the potential to enhance the anger, not defuse it. I used to think that venting anger was like blowing the foam off a glass of beer: A few puffs, and you’re done with it. Instead, it’s like blowing on
a fire—the more you blow, the hotter the flame. On a physiological level, expressing anger on a regular basis enlarges the part of the brain devoted to negative emotions. What you do is what you get. With so much cerebral real estate devoted to anger, an angry response can become a conditioned response.
a fire—the more you blow, the hotter the flame. On a physiological level, expressing anger on a regular basis enlarges the part of the brain devoted to negative emotions. What you do is what you get. With so much cerebral real estate devoted to anger, an angry response can become a conditioned response.
Another fact about the brain is that the unconscious mind experiences all anger as dangerous to the self. It cannot determine whether the anger is directed at itself or at someone else. Indeed, new studies in the neurosciences of a phenomenon called “mirror neurons” tell us that in face-to-face situations, when neurons fire in someone else’s brain, identical neurons fire in our own brain. When others are angry, we become angry. In other words, what you see is what you feel.
So, now, we encourage couples to share emotions—other than anger—that they experienced in childhood, such as grief, fear, and sadness. These less volatile emotions underlie the anger, and we have found that expressing them to a receptive partner helps relieve the hostility without reinforcing it. When couples share their childhood wounds with one another, they deepen their understanding of each other’s past. They also experience renewed empathy for each other’s suffering. Ultimately, they begin to see one another as “wounded” people, not “bad” people. Through this more accurate lens, they can see that most of their conflicts originate from childhood pain, not from any present-day malicious intentions.
One of the exercises we use to facilitate the sharing of childhood experiences is called the Holding exercise. Unlike the Full Container exercise, this one helps relieve repressed feelings without generating more negative emotions. I got the idea for the specific form of the exercise while going for a walk. I found myself looking into the window of a bookstore—a habit of mine—and in the window I saw a parenting book with the word “holding” in the title. The cover drawing showed a woman holding a child on her lap with the child’s face on the left side of her chest, over her heart. Many mothers instinctively
hold their babies in this position. It appears to be a great source of comfort for infants, perhaps because hearing the mother’s heart and being held close to her body is reminiscent of being inside the womb. As I studied the drawing, I began to imagine couples holding each other in this fashion and talking about early childhood experiences. My gut feeling was that this primal holding position would elicit a flood of emotions.
hold their babies in this position. It appears to be a great source of comfort for infants, perhaps because hearing the mother’s heart and being held close to her body is reminiscent of being inside the womb. As I studied the drawing, I began to imagine couples holding each other in this fashion and talking about early childhood experiences. My gut feeling was that this primal holding position would elicit a flood of emotions.
When I went home to share this idea with Helen, she reminded me of her earlier work with a model of therapy in which the therapist holds and comforts a client—essentially “reparenting” them. Using her insights, we developed a similar holding exercise. But instead of having the therapist hold the client, we asked the partners to hold each other, so that the bonding experience would take place between the partners rather than with us. We asked one partner to sit in a comfortable position and hold the other partner with his or her head across the heart. From this position, they would recount painful childhood experiences while the holding partner gently and warmly mirrored their comments.
We decided to experiment with the Holding exercise at the next couple’s workshop. An older couple, John and Vivian, volunteered to be the first guinea pigs. I instructed John to sit against a wall and then hold Vivian in his arms as though she was a young child, and I positioned her head next to his heart. Next, I asked John to ask his partner to recall memories from her childhood. To facilitate the flow of memories, I suggested that he make encouraging sounds and mirror back to her what she was saying. When she was through expressing a thought or feeling, he might ask, “Is there more?”
After momentary embarrassment, John and Vivian began to follow my instructions. Vivian spoke in a very quiet voice, keeping most of what she had to say between the two of them. John bent over her, listening intently. Their murmured expressions went on for several minutes. Then, suddenly, Vivian
began to sob. John held her more tightly and began to rock her. Tears filled his eyes as well.
began to sob. John held her more tightly and began to rock her. Tears filled his eyes as well.
The experience was very powerful for the couple. John’s compassion for Vivian’s pain was evident to everyone in the room. Later in the session, I had them switch roles, with Vivian holding her partner, and John was able to experience what it was like to feel safe and nurtured as he told his own story. When the two of them talked about their experience in front of the group, they said they had learned a lot about each other’s inner worlds and felt deep empathy for one another. Like many couples, they discovered that they had endured many of the same insults in childhood, but had adapted to them in different ways. The unconscious agenda that each had brought into the marriage was beginning to be revealed, and their wounds were healing in the process.
When couples take part in the Holding exercise, they get the response they have been longing for all their lives. Their old brains perceive their partners as surrogate parents. Only this time around, those parents have become attuned parents: accepting, nurturing, calm, attentive, and nonjudgmental. Pain from the past can be healed in the present when you receive attention and empathy from a loving partner.
ONCE WE REMOVED the Full Container exercise from Imago Therapy and added the Holding exercise, couples began to make more rapid progress. Their conflicts became more subdued and their mutual admiration grew. But there was yet more ground to gain.
We discovered that couples had an even more joyful relationship when they abolished all forms of negativity. This involved getting rid of blatant forms such as anger, shame, and
criticism, but also eliminating more subtle forms as well, including such well-known ploys as “helpful” criticism, inattention, condescension, “the silent treatment,” and using a bored or weary tone of voice. Ideally, this ban would extend all the way to eliminating even negative thoughts. Because we all have internal radar that makes us astute at picking up nonverbal cues from our partners, we can detect the subtle changes in posture and expression that accompany their negative thoughts, which means that a complete transformation cannot be made until that aspect of negativity is addressed.
criticism, but also eliminating more subtle forms as well, including such well-known ploys as “helpful” criticism, inattention, condescension, “the silent treatment,” and using a bored or weary tone of voice. Ideally, this ban would extend all the way to eliminating even negative thoughts. Because we all have internal radar that makes us astute at picking up nonverbal cues from our partners, we can detect the subtle changes in posture and expression that accompany their negative thoughts, which means that a complete transformation cannot be made until that aspect of negativity is addressed.
Keep in mind that the goal is not to repress the
feelings
behind our negative thoughts and behaviors—that would only add to our store of pent-up emotions—but rather to bring them out into the open and see them for what they really are: a warning sign that some aspect of the relationship needs work. And as you have learned in earlier chapters, the best way to start solving a relationship problem is to look at your own contribution: “Here I am, having critical thoughts about my partner again. What does this say about me? What am I doing or not doing right now that is feeding my negative attitude?”
feelings
behind our negative thoughts and behaviors—that would only add to our store of pent-up emotions—but rather to bring them out into the open and see them for what they really are: a warning sign that some aspect of the relationship needs work. And as you have learned in earlier chapters, the best way to start solving a relationship problem is to look at your own contribution: “Here I am, having critical thoughts about my partner again. What does this say about me? What am I doing or not doing right now that is feeding my negative attitude?”
The task may seem daunting, but the rewards are great. As negativity recedes, goodwill rushes in to fill the void. Without conscious effort, you find yourself focusing on your partner’s admirable qualities, much as you did during courtship. Only this time, you will have the insights and tools you need to sustain your regard. Meanwhile, your partner will also be seeing
you
in a much more positive light, and you will both thrive in its warm glow. Eventually, a sacred space will well up between you, one that both of you want to nurture and protect. With conflict removed, connection will deepen and passion will flow.
you
in a much more positive light, and you will both thrive in its warm glow. Eventually, a sacred space will well up between you, one that both of you want to nurture and protect. With conflict removed, connection will deepen and passion will flow.
I WANT TO stop for a moment and clarify what I mean by negativity. Negativity is any thought, word, or deed that tells your partner: “You’re not okay when you think what you think or act the way that you act.” In essence, you are rejecting your partner’s “otherness.” We sometimes feel the need to negate our partners when they do or say something that makes us uncomfortable. Usually, they are just being themselves. But from our point of view, they are threatening an image that we have of them, or they are failing to meet an unspoken need of our own.
Typically, negativity makes its first appearance in a love relationship as denial: “I can’t believe you did that!” “You never said anything like that before!” “You can’t really mean that.” “You’re not that kind of person.” The fact that your partner is a separate individual with wishes and needs different from yours is starting to dawn on you, and you feel threatened. Your denial is a desperate ploy to hold on to your illusions: “Say it ain’t so!”
When your partner continues to depart from your projected image, the tendency is to bring out the big guns, one by one. Your arsenal includes shame, blame, criticism, invasiveness, avoidance, and, finally, blanket condemnation. First you shame. “How do you think that feels?!” “You ought to be ashamed by the way you treated my friend.” In essence, you are trying to make your partner feel guilty for being who he or she is.
Then you blame. “You were late, and that made me really upset. That’s why I haven’t been talking to you.” “If you hadn’t been so angry, we would have been able to settle the matter in very little time.” When you blame, you put all the burden of your frustrations on your partner.
Next, you begin to criticize your partner’s character traits in addition to his or her unacceptable behaviors: “You are so insensitive.”
“You are untrustworthy.” “You always think about yourself first.” You are attempting to paint your partner not only as the source of all your frustration but to make them into a “bad” person as well.
“You are untrustworthy.” “You always think about yourself first.” You are attempting to paint your partner not only as the source of all your frustration but to make them into a “bad” person as well.
A more subtle ploy is to invade your partner’s psyche and act as if you had x-ray vision: “That is
not
what you really think.” “The reason you’re so crabby is that you are obsessing too much about work.” “If you’ll just listen to me, I’ll tell you what you need to do.”
not
what you really think.” “The reason you’re so crabby is that you are obsessing too much about work.” “If you’ll just listen to me, I’ll tell you what you need to do.”
The final weapon is absolutism: “You
never
listen to me!” “You
always
leave the hard work for me.” “That’s just the way you are.” “
Every time
I make a simple suggestion, you have a big fit.”
never
listen to me!” “You
always
leave the hard work for me.” “That’s just the way you are.” “
Every time
I make a simple suggestion, you have a big fit.”
It’s no wonder that our partners feel depressed, stay late at work, drink too much, don’t want to make love, or stay up late by themselves. Being with us is not a safe place to be. They experience being chopped up into little pieces, dissected, and rejected. This is a form of emotional annihilation. At the base level, it expresses contempt. No one can be healed or grow in such a toxic environment. To get the love we want, we need to eliminate negativity in all its forms.
There’s another good reason to stop negativity: the negativity that we express toward our partners comes back like a boomerang and affects us as well. That’s because the old brain does not know whether the negativity is being directed outward or inward. This theory has been backed up by studies showing that when one person yells at another, the person being yelled at produces more of the stress hormone cortisol. That’s to be expected. But, perhaps more interestingly, the same increase in cortisol is seen in the angry person as well. One could say that any negativity that we direct toward others is a form of self-abuse.
REMOVING ALL NEGATIVITY from our love relationship was the final turning point for Helen and me. When we succeeded, we finally achieved the relationship we had wanted all of our adult lives—one that was safe, intimate, and passionate. For us, eliminating negativity was a two-stage process. The first stage was a gradual working through of the power struggle. One would think that two therapists would be able to avoid the power struggle altogether, but this was not so. Like many readers of this book, Helen and I had difficult childhoods. We are also intense, highly motivated people, each burdened with a heavy dose of perfectionism. On top of that, we have strong opinions about nearly everything, and we both tend to think that we are “right.” It took us a long time to realize that each of us could be “right” all the time, or we could be in a relationship! During the worst of times, our conflicts were on a par with many of the couples I counseled.
Over a period of many years, we overcame most of our problems by using the exercises in this book. We practiced the Imago Dialogue and used it with some success within our own relationship and with our children. We still marvel at its power to defuse conflict and forge understanding. We became more thoughtful lovers and made frequent expressions of love and gratitude through words, notes, gifts, and thoughtful gestures. Over time, we learned how to work together harmoniously as business partners. There were moments when we felt deep love and empathy for each other. But it was not enough. We still felt a lingering tension lurking in the relationship.
The underlying problem, we eventually discovered, is that we were allowing negativity to rupture the connection between us. It didn’t take much. A critical comment. Impatience. A raised tone of voice. Sometimes, we would degenerate into loud arguments. Whenever we descended into negativity, our pain
was acute. Negativity never got us what we wanted. It always made matters worse. When we cooled off, we realized that it would take us hours or even days of repair work to feel connected again. Eventually, it became clear as day that being negative with each other was irrational, abusive, and counterproductive. We agreed that the only solution was to eliminate all forms of negativity once and for all. We decided to go cold turkey.
was acute. Negativity never got us what we wanted. It always made matters worse. When we cooled off, we realized that it would take us hours or even days of repair work to feel connected again. Eventually, it became clear as day that being negative with each other was irrational, abusive, and counterproductive. We agreed that the only solution was to eliminate all forms of negativity once and for all. We decided to go cold turkey.
To enforce our decision, we instituted a rule: whoever initiated a negative comment or behavior would have to counter it with three positive statements about the other person: “I appreciate the fact that you were an attentive listener to me last night, even though you were very tired.” “You gave me such great feedback on the letter I was writing to the board members.” “I loved it when you took the time to go for a walk with me, even though you were busy.” Each positive statement had to be unique and specific, and we couldn’t repeat anything we had said before. A hidden benefit of this rule was that we discovered many wonderful things about each other that we had been overlooking when we were upset.
Our statements of appreciation increased the flow of love between us. Every time Helen told me something she genuinely admired about me, I was deeply moved—each and every time. She had the same response when I praised her. Our admiration gradually evolved into a state of “chronic adoration.”
Finally, we were giving each other the respect we both wanted on a continual basis. What’s more, we found it easier and easier to do. Our relationship had become such a sacred place for us that we had no desire to violate it. To slip back into old behaviors became unthinkable.
Helen and I felt so blessed by what we had achieved that we held two recommitment ceremonies, the first of which was at our annual conference with our colleagues in the Imago community. We wrote new vows of commitment that were in keeping with all we had learned and recited them before the group.
Afterwards, our colleagues lifted us high in the air and paraded us around the room while everyone sang and danced. Two months later, we held a New Year’s Eve ceremony in the majestic Riverside Church in New York City, where we are members. Our pastor led us through our vows in front of 250 family members and friends, after which we retired to a grand hall on the Hudson River where we ate and danced and were roasted and toasted until midnight. When the fireworks exploded, we felt like they were just for us. We included all the celebrants of the New Year as witnesses to our love and our future.
Afterwards, our colleagues lifted us high in the air and paraded us around the room while everyone sang and danced. Two months later, we held a New Year’s Eve ceremony in the majestic Riverside Church in New York City, where we are members. Our pastor led us through our vows in front of 250 family members and friends, after which we retired to a grand hall on the Hudson River where we ate and danced and were roasted and toasted until midnight. When the fireworks exploded, we felt like they were just for us. We included all the celebrants of the New Year as witnesses to our love and our future.
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