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Authors: Ph.D Harville Hendrix
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Albert eventually went back to school and got a Ph.D. When their children were old enough, Anne entered a master’s program in counseling. She began to acquire a lot of information that helped her understand her own childhood, but she didn’t learn much that she could apply to her relationship. Furthermore, she observed, “Most of the therapists I knew had relationships that were about the same as or worse than my own. They were getting divorced, having affairs. Why turn to them for advice?”
Meanwhile, the conflict between Albert and Anne intensified. As soon as Albert finished his degree, he decided to go back to teaching. This was devastating to Anne. “I thought all that schooling was going to be a springboard to launch him into a different career. I turned to Albert one day and said, ‘What are the next twenty years of our life going to be like?’ He
said, ‘This is it.’ And I said, ‘No, I don’t think I want to do this.’ What I was seeing in those twenty years was more of the same. I felt a void in my life. There was something very important that was missing.”
said, ‘This is it.’ And I said, ‘No, I don’t think I want to do this.’ What I was seeing in those twenty years was more of the same. I felt a void in my life. There was something very important that was missing.”
By this stage of their relationship, there was little love between them. “We didn’t fight much,” says Anne, “but we were kind of at odds with each other. I wanted him to be different. He wanted me to be different. I was becoming more independent, and he wanted the sweet and supportive wife that he thought he had married. We were both growing individually, but we weren’t integrating it back into our relationship. We didn’t know where to get any help, and as I look back at it, I don’t think we really wanted any. We were dead. Numb. We wanted something from each other that we weren’t getting, but we didn’t know what that was. We were both out of touch with our needs. On a scale of one to ten, I would say that our understanding of what was really going on in our relationship was about a three.”
Anne and Albert got divorced in February of 1978. Their two children were ten and thirteen. “My older daughter took it very stoically, like her dad,” says Anne. “But my younger daughter was very verbal and very clear about her pain. She acted out her anger.” Anne and the two girls moved to Berkeley, California, where Anne entered a doctoral program in counseling and guidance. As part of her training, she underwent extensive therapy. Slowly, gaps in her self-knowledge started to fill in. She began to see that a lot of her discontent in her first marriage was due to the fact that underneath her confident exterior she was an anxious, fearful person. “For the first time I realized that I was still aching from my earlier abandonment,” she says. “I had all this pain and didn’t know it. I was removed from it, yet it was affecting everything in my life.” At one point her therapist asked her if she had ever experienced an anxiety attack. She said, “Well, no.” Later on she realized that she had been fighting off a constant state of anxiety all her
life. “It was a constant barrage. If I’d had an anxiety attack, it would have been like a pebble in the ocean. But I wasn’t aware of my anxiety. It was second nature to me. That’s the way the world was.”
life. “It was a constant barrage. If I’d had an anxiety attack, it would have been like a pebble in the ocean. But I wasn’t aware of my anxiety. It was second nature to me. That’s the way the world was.”
Anne eventually moved to Texas, where she became an associate professor of counseling and guidance at a large university. During this time she learned about my views of relationship therapy. For the first time Anne had a more comprehensive understanding of the psychology of love relationships. “And, more important,” she says, “I had a model of how to make it better. Once someone explains something to me and gives me a model, I can do it. Up until that time, I was really leery about remarrying. I kept asking myself, ‘What makes you think that the next one is going to be any different?’”
THIS WAS ABOUT the time that Anne met Greg. Let’s take another look at their initial encounter to see if we can now decipher any of the unconscious sources of attraction. When Anne describes her first impression of Greg, she describes him as an intelligent, resourceful man who possessed that enviable quality of inner contentment. Now that she has a lot more self-knowledge, she can see that he was also sending her clues that he was emotionally unavailable. Like the father who was always gone in the navy and later abandoned her, and like the mother who didn’t come home at night, Greg, with his extreme self-reliance and history of three divorces, was not going to let her get too close. His isolation triggered Anne’s primary drive, which was to make a person who was distant and unavailable become close and dependable. Meeting Greg crystallized all of her unfinished business.
Why was Greg attracted to Anne? A warm, loving, aggressive, volatile woman, Anne evoked strong memories of his mother. “I sensed that she could be just as loving as my mother,” he said, “and just as aggravating. But one thing for sure, I knew she would stir things up. I may say I want peace, but the truth
of the matter is, I want life to be challenging.” And what he was also wanting, although he didn’t know it, was to become involved with a woman who could break through his emotional barriers just as that persistent friend had done years ago. When he met Anne, he sensed that she had the willpower and the determination to do it.
of the matter is, I want life to be challenging.” And what he was also wanting, although he didn’t know it, was to become involved with a woman who could break through his emotional barriers just as that persistent friend had done years ago. When he met Anne, he sensed that she had the willpower and the determination to do it.
Anne and Greg got married on New Year’s Day, 1982, only four months after they met. For the first few weeks of their marriage, intimacy came easily. “I trusted Annie, more than I’ve trusted any other person,” says Greg. But after a while he began to feel that Anne was using intimacy as a weapon. “I felt she was asking me questions to invade my space. She always wanted to know what I was thinking and feeling.” Gradually, he began to shut down. Being self-contained was a safe and familiar experience for him; being emotionally vulnerable was not. When Greg withdrew, Anne experienced it as a repetition of the withdrawal of her first husband, Albert. She became angry and demanding and was convinced that Greg was planning to leave her. “She would go really crazy,” says Greg. “She would have all kinds of suspicions and want to know what I was planning. Well, I wasn’t planning anything. I was just licking my wounds to get ready for the next offensive.” The independence that Anne admired in Greg and the aggressiveness that Greg admired in Anne were now developing into a power struggle.
Anne remembers one significant episode. “I was really upset about something. Something had happened at work that was really painful. I was talking about it with Greg, and I started crying. He looked at me and said, ‘I don’t console people. I’m not good at it, so I don’t do it. Don’t turn to me for comfort.’ And, of course, that’s what I wanted from him more than anything else.”
Soon there were other difficulties. Having four teenaged children between them, they had a relationship that was fraught with complexity. There were numerous times when
they both wanted to call it quits. The only reason she stayed in the relationship, says Anne, is that “I was very aware of the fact that, if I broke up with Greg, I would be bringing the same issues to another relationship. And when I looked at him, I realized that he was someone I wanted to be with. He was worth the effort. The pain we caused each other was intense, but the attraction between us was very strong.”
they both wanted to call it quits. The only reason she stayed in the relationship, says Anne, is that “I was very aware of the fact that, if I broke up with Greg, I would be bringing the same issues to another relationship. And when I looked at him, I realized that he was someone I wanted to be with. He was worth the effort. The pain we caused each other was intense, but the attraction between us was very strong.”
Knowing that they would not be able to deal with their problems without outside help, Anne invited Greg to one of my weekend couples seminars. Although she was well acquainted with my theories, she had been reluctant to introduce them to Greg. “Because I was a therapist myself,” she explained, “I was afraid of getting into the position of telling him what he was doing right and wrong. That had gotten me into trouble with earlier relationships. I wanted to have the ideas presented to him by a third person.”
Greg had two important insights at the seminar. First of all, he was very moved by the exercise that helped him envision Anne as a hurting child. “I had never understood her pain before,” he said. “All of a sudden I understood what she was going through. She used to tell me that, when I wouldn’t talk to her, she felt abandoned, but I didn’t know what she meant. How can a grown woman feel abandoned? I had never experienced that kind of insecurity before. Suddenly, during this guided-imagery exercise, I began to see her as a hurting four-year-old child. As an eight-year-old waking up to find no one home. Here was this child being formed and I could see that and feel that—get in touch with Annie as a child. It was real touching to me, and it made me more willing to listen to her complaints and to try to change my tendency to withdraw.”
The other insight Greg had at the workshop had to do with communication skills. When he saw the Mirroring exercise demonstrated in front of the group, he realized that it would help him cope with his wife’s intense emotions. Greg remembers the first time he tried it out. “Annie and I were driving in
the car,” he says, “and she was really angry. I think it was about my relationship with one of the kids. I remember that she was all fists and fury. I felt that she was throwing these lightning bolts in all directions, and all I could do was dodge them. My instinct was to throw some lightning bolts in
her
direction or just close down—that’s what I would have done in the past—but instead I made a conscious choice to mirror her. I didn’t react. I didn’t accuse. I just listened and repeated back to her what she was saying. As I listened to her, it was as if I absorbed some of her fury. She got smaller and smaller, until finally she was in a contained package. Then we were able to talk calmly and rationally. By not hooking into her anger, I was able to contain her.” This experience made Greg feel good about himself and gave him renewed hope for the future of their relationship. “I was able to defend myself without attacking her or crawling inside my shell.”
the car,” he says, “and she was really angry. I think it was about my relationship with one of the kids. I remember that she was all fists and fury. I felt that she was throwing these lightning bolts in all directions, and all I could do was dodge them. My instinct was to throw some lightning bolts in
her
direction or just close down—that’s what I would have done in the past—but instead I made a conscious choice to mirror her. I didn’t react. I didn’t accuse. I just listened and repeated back to her what she was saying. As I listened to her, it was as if I absorbed some of her fury. She got smaller and smaller, until finally she was in a contained package. Then we were able to talk calmly and rationally. By not hooking into her anger, I was able to contain her.” This experience made Greg feel good about himself and gave him renewed hope for the future of their relationship. “I was able to defend myself without attacking her or crawling inside my shell.”
Eventually Greg got so good at the mirroring technique that it became second nature to him. Whenever he felt threatened by Anne’s intensity, he would put on his armor, listen, and stay in touch. “The result of all this,” says Greg, “is that Anne has stopped getting so angry. She simply won’t do it. It doesn’t work anymore. We’ve progressed way beyond that. We can communicate now.”
Another tool that Anne and Greg brought home from the workshop was the Behavior Change Request Dialogue. “Instead of fighting, we started asking for what we wanted,” says Anne. “It’s made all the difference.” Initially this exercise was difficult for both of them, though for different reasons. Greg’s problem was that he prided himself on being self-sufficient. It was very difficult for him to admit that he needed anything from anybody, but especially from Anne. However, one need that Greg couldn’t deny was that he wanted to have more frequent and more spontaneous sex. “I had this fantasy of coming home and finding Anne in a negligee, eager for sex. But it rarely happened.” He finally learned that, if he wanted more
sex, he would have to ask for it. “I had to be more direct about my needs. She wasn’t going to read my mind.”
sex, he would have to ask for it. “I had to be more direct about my needs. She wasn’t going to read my mind.”
Anne’s problem with the exercise was of a different nature. She had no problem asking for what she wanted. Because of revelations that had come out of her individual therapy, she was well acquainted with her unmet childhood needs, and she didn’t hesitate to ask Greg to change his behavior to help meet those needs. What she had a hard time doing was accepting his attentions once he responded to one of her requests. Anne gave the following example. Greg is the owner of an engineering firm and has to leave town frequently on business trips. This separation fuels Anne’s fear of abandonment. To ease her anxiety, she asked him to call her up every single day, especially when he was out of town. Greg readily agreed to do this. After a few weeks of receiving these daily calls, however, Anne began to feel anxious. She began to think up reasons why Greg should stop calling her. “It’s too expensive,” she would say. Or “It takes up too much of your time.” Greg was persistent, however, and called every day, despite Anne’s unconscious attempts to sabotage his efforts. Eventually she was able to relax and accept the gift.
In the past year, Anne and Greg have gotten better at expressing their needs and asking for what they want. One of the payoffs for Greg is that he spends less time trying to guess what Anne wants. “I used to always be trying to anticipate her needs,” says Greg. “I would do all these things that I hoped would make her happy. But she rarely noticed, and I would be exhausted from trying to figure her out. Now I can relax, knowing that, if she wants something, she will ask for it. I like it much better this way. I take care of my own needs. She takes care of hers. We both will go out of our way to meet each other’s needs, but we don’t do so much mind reading.”
One need that Anne has made abundantly clear to Greg is her need for security and affirmation. “I need and want massive doses of reassurance,” Anne says. To help meet this need, she
informed Greg one day that, whenever she was being overly emotional—whether angry or withdrawn or tearful—what she really wanted was to hear how much he loved her. She wrote down on a card the exact words that she wanted him to say. She handed him the card and said, “Here are your lines.” The card read: “I love you. You’re the person I want to be with. I want to live with you for the rest of my life.” Greg, the man who had once proclaimed that he was not able to console anyone, has been able to deliver his lines with utter sincerity.
informed Greg one day that, whenever she was being overly emotional—whether angry or withdrawn or tearful—what she really wanted was to hear how much he loved her. She wrote down on a card the exact words that she wanted him to say. She handed him the card and said, “Here are your lines.” The card read: “I love you. You’re the person I want to be with. I want to live with you for the rest of my life.” Greg, the man who had once proclaimed that he was not able to console anyone, has been able to deliver his lines with utter sincerity.
Anne and Greg have also learned a new way to fight. Essentially, they do a modified version of the Full Container called the Container Transaction exercise. “We fight in a very healthy manner,” says Anne. “We get the anger out, but we don’t get into the old garbage. We’re real honest and direct.” Anne gave me an example. “I looked at Greg’s hand the other day and noticed that he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. I felt hurt and betrayed. But instead of stewing about it, I spoke up immediately. I said, ‘I’m really hurt that you’re not wearing your ring. A ring is a visible sign to other people that we’re married, and it’s really important to me. I’m really upset. I don’t know what it means that you’re not wearing it. I don’t like it, and I want you to wear it.’ Instead of getting defensive or abusive, Greg listened to me and said, ‘It makes sense that you feel that way. I understand that you’re angry.’ Later he explained to me why he wasn’t wearing it. It had to do with the fact that I had reverted to using my maiden name, and he was hurt about that. In his mind, not wearing the ring was kind of tit for tat. We didn’t resolve the problem immediately, because the issues were complex. But the important thing is that we both got our feelings out. We listened to each other. We defused all the bad energy. And we’re not angry anymore. Before, we would have gotten obsessed about it and gone on and on.”
BOOK: Getting the Love You Want, 20th An. Ed.
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