Getting the Love You Want, 20th An. Ed. (30 page)
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Authors: Ph.D Harville Hendrix
BOOK: Getting the Love You Want, 20th An. Ed.
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(review
The Surprise List
)
The Surprise List
)
Time:
Approximately 15–20 minutes.
Approximately 15–20 minutes.
Purpose:
The purpose of this exercise is to augment the caring behaviors in
Exercise 10
with unanticipated pleasures, which adds to your feelings of safety and bonding.
The purpose of this exercise is to augment the caring behaviors in
Exercise 10
with unanticipated pleasures, which adds to your feelings of safety and bonding.
Comments:
This exercise is to be done separately and must be kept secret from your partner.
This exercise is to be done separately and must be kept secret from your partner.
Directions
1. Make a list of things you could do for your partner that would be especially pleasing. Don’t guess. Draw up your list from your memory of things that have pleased your partner in the past or from hints or comments your partner has made. Become a detective and ferret out your partner’s hidden wishes and desires. Keep your list hidden from your partner at all times.
2. Select one item and surprise your partner with it this week. Be sure to do this at least once a week and at random times, so that your partner will have difficulty anticipating the surprise.
3. Record the date when you gave each surprise.
4. On a separate sheet of paper, record and date the surprises you receive from your partner. Thank your partner for surprising you.
(review
The Fun List
)
The Fun List
)
Time:
Approximately 20–30 minutes.
Approximately 20–30 minutes.
Purpose:
This exercise is designed to intensify your emotional bond and deepen your feelings of safety and pleasure.
This exercise is designed to intensify your emotional bond and deepen your feelings of safety and pleasure.
Comments:
Do this exercise together.
Do this exercise together.
Directions
1. Make separate lists of fun and exciting activities you would like to do with your partner. These should include face-to-face experiences and any body contact that is physically pleasurable. Examples: tennis, dancing, wrestling, showering together, sex, massage, tickling, jumping rope, bicycling.
2. Now share your lists and compile a third list that combines all of your suggestions.
3. Pick one activity from the list and do it each week.
4. You may experience some resistance to taking part in such exuberant, childlike activities—especially if you have a conflicted relationship. It is important that you do this exercise nonetheless. Go against your natural inclination and experiment with this brief return to childhood.
(review chapter 11)
Time:
Approximately 45 minutes.
Approximately 45 minutes.
Purpose:
This exercise will help you and your partner experience emotional intensity connected to specific physical features, traits, and behaviors you appreciate and love. Speaking with intensity about the positive will also reduce your sensitivity to negative comments that are spoken with intensity.
This exercise will help you and your partner experience emotional intensity connected to specific physical features, traits, and behaviors you appreciate and love. Speaking with intensity about the positive will also reduce your sensitivity to negative comments that are spoken with intensity.
Comments:
Use the first 30 minutes working alone to make your lists and then do the exercise together.
Use the first 30 minutes working alone to make your lists and then do the exercise together.
Directions:
1. Take out two sheets of paper, one for each of you. Each of you takes one piece and divides the sheet into four columns. Write in the following four headings: “Physical Traits,” “Character traits,” “Behaviors,” “Global Affirmations.” Now under the respective columns, write down the physical traits you appreciate about your partner, the positive character traits you adore, the behaviors your partner has done that you appreciate, and global expressions of love such as “I love you,” “I can’t believe I married someone as wonderful as you!”
2. Now, one of you sits in a chair while the other circles around saying the words he or she has written on the paper. Use about one minute for each column, and increase the intensity of your voice as you go from column to column. When your reach the global affirmations column, jump up and down, your feet leaving the floor.
3. Take out two more sheets of paper and design it exactly as the one above, including the same column headings. This time, each of you lists the praises you would like to hear from your partner. Examples: “Tell me that I have long, beautiful legs.” “Tell me that I am a trustworthy friend.” “Tell me that I do an excellent job of managing the house.” “Tell me that I am a patient, loving parent.” “Tell me that you love to touch my skin.” “Tell me that you love to see me undressed.” “Tell me
that I am the best partner you have ever had.” “Tell me how lucky you are to be with me.”
that I am the best partner you have ever had.” “Tell me how lucky you are to be with me.”
4. Now repeat the circling exercise and take turns flooding each other with these new lists of praise. End the exercise with an intense hug. Let your self feel all the powerful feelings the exercise evokes.
5. Talk with your partner about what the exercise meant to you, using the Imago Dialogue.
6. Repeat this exercise once a week for four weeks. Then, make a practice of flooding your partner for a few moments every day.
(review chapter 10)
Time:
Approximately 60–90 minutes.
Approximately 60–90 minutes.
Purpose:
The purpose of this exercise is to learn more about each other’s deepest needs and to give you the opportunity to change your behavior to meet those needs. As you stretch against your resistance to change, your partner will experience emotional healing, and you will become a more whole and loving individual.
The purpose of this exercise is to learn more about each other’s deepest needs and to give you the opportunity to change your behavior to meet those needs. As you stretch against your resistance to change, your partner will experience emotional healing, and you will become a more whole and loving individual.
Comments:
This is a very important exercise. I recommend that you give it your highest priority.
This is a very important exercise. I recommend that you give it your highest priority.
Directions
1. The first step in this exercise is to identify the desires that lie behind your frustrations. On a separate sheet of paper, each
of you makes a comprehensive list of all the things that bother you about your partner. What does your partner do that makes you feel angry, annoyed, afraid, suspicious, resentful, hurt, or bitter? After you list the frustrating behavior and the feelings that go with it, see if you can remember feeling that way as a child. Here is an example:
of you makes a comprehensive list of all the things that bother you about your partner. What does your partner do that makes you feel angry, annoyed, afraid, suspicious, resentful, hurt, or bitter? After you list the frustrating behavior and the feelings that go with it, see if you can remember feeling that way as a child. Here is an example:
Jenny’s List
I don’t like it when you …
drive too fast. I feel scared.
leave the house without telling me where you are going. I feel abandoned.
criticize me in front of the children. I feel shamed.
undermine my authority with the children. I feel humiliated.
read the newspaper during dinner. I feel ignored and unimportant.
criticize me in a joking manner in front of friends. I feel shamed.
don’t pay attention to what I’m saying. I feel ignored.
turn away from me when I’m upset or crying. I feel abandoned.
criticize me for being indecisive. I feel guilty.
criticize me for being a poor housekeeper. I feel shamed.
keep pointing out the fact that you earn more money than I do. I feel shamed.
2. Now get out a second sheet of paper and write down the global desire that lies hidden within each of your frustrations. Skip several lines after each desire. Do not write down the frustration, only the desire. (This is necessary, because you will be showing this second sheet to your partner.)
Example:
Global Desire (corresponds to the first frustration listed above): I would like to feel safe and relaxed when you are driving.
3. Underneath each global desire, write three specific requests, each of which would help you satisfy that desire. It is important that your requests be positive and that they describe a specific, doable behavior. Remember the acronym SMART. Each behavior should be specific, measurable, achievable, relevant to the desire, and time-limited. Then ask your partner to give you one of your requests as a gift.
Examples:
Global Desire:
I would like to feel safe and relaxed when you are driving.
I would like to feel safe and relaxed when you are driving.
Specific Request 1:
For the next month, when you are driving, I would like you to obey the speed limit. If the road conditions are bad, I would like you to drive even more slowly.
For the next month, when you are driving, I would like you to obey the speed limit. If the road conditions are bad, I would like you to drive even more slowly.
Specific Request 2:
For the next two weeks, before we get into the car, tell me that you will drive within the speed limit, and give me a hug.
For the next two weeks, before we get into the car, tell me that you will drive within the speed limit, and give me a hug.
Specific Request 3:
Two times next week, have a dialogue with me for 15 minutes and ask me how I feel when you drive beyond the speed limit and help me connect my fear to childhood.
Two times next week, have a dialogue with me for 15 minutes and ask me how I feel when you drive beyond the speed limit and help me connect my fear to childhood.
Global Desire:
I would like you to always comfort me when I’m upset.
I would like you to always comfort me when I’m upset.
Specific Request 1:
For the next month, when I tell you that I am upset, I would like you to put your arms around me and give me your full attention for five minutes.
For the next month, when I tell you that I am upset, I would like you to put your arms around me and give me your full attention for five minutes.
Specific Request 2:
Twice this week, I would like you to go for a walk with me after dinner so we can talk about each other’s day without interruption.
Twice this week, I would like you to go for a walk with me after dinner so we can talk about each other’s day without interruption.
Specific Request 3:
This week, whenever I tell you that I am upset, I would like you to look directly at me, listen carefully, and reflect back to me what I said.
This week, whenever I tell you that I am upset, I would like you to look directly at me, listen carefully, and reflect back to me what I said.
Notice that these requests are for specific, positive behaviors. The following request is a bad example because it is not specific.
Vague Request: I would like you to be more attentive.
It should be rewritten to make it more detailed:
Specific Request:
For the next two weeks, I would like you to give me a warm hug as soon as you come home from work and hold me for one full minute.
For the next two weeks, I would like you to give me a warm hug as soon as you come home from work and hold me for one full minute.
This next request is a bad example because it is negative:
Negative Request:
I would like you to stop yelling at me when you’re upset.
I would like you to stop yelling at me when you’re upset.
This should be rewritten so that it describes a positive behavior:
Positive request:
For the next month, when you are mad at me, I would like you to ask me for what you want in a normal tone of voice. Give me a specific, time limited, and positive request.
For the next month, when you are mad at me, I would like you to ask me for what you want in a normal tone of voice. Give me a specific, time limited, and positive request.
4. Share your second list (the one that lists desires and requests but not frustrations) with each other. Use your communication skills to clarify each desire and request so that it is
clearly understood using SMART behaviors. Rewrite the request if necessary so that the partner knows exactly what kind of behavior you want, how often you want it, how long you want it, and when you want it.
clearly understood using SMART behaviors. Rewrite the request if necessary so that the partner knows exactly what kind of behavior you want, how often you want it, how long you want it, and when you want it.
5. Now take back your own list and rank each request on the left side of the page with a number from 1 to 5 indicating its relative importance to you, 1 indicating “very important,” and 5 “not very important.”
6. Exchange lists once again so that you now have your partner’s requests, and assign a number from 1 to 5 on the right side of the paper indicating how difficult it would be for you to grant each request, with 1 indicating “very difficult,” and 5 “not at all difficult.”
7. Keep your partner’s list. Starting today, you have the opportunity to grant your partner three or four of the easiest requests each week. Remember that these behaviors are gifts. Regardless of how you feel and regardless of how many changes your partner is making, keep to a reliable schedule of at least three or four behavior changes a week. (You are encouraged to add more requests to your lists as time goes on.)
(review
The Holding Exercise
)
The Holding Exercise
)
Time:
Approximately 30 minutes.
Approximately 30 minutes.
Purpose:
This exercise is designed to deepen your empathy and connection with your partner. It may also allow you to reexperience and release stored pain or sadness from your childhood.
This exercise is designed to deepen your empathy and connection with your partner. It may also allow you to reexperience and release stored pain or sadness from your childhood.
Comments:
Find a place where you can sit comfortably for as long as 15 minutes. (You may want back support.) Then, take turns holding each other and following the directions below. The person being held lies across the partner’s lap with his or her head against the heart of the holding partner. Let yourself be aware of your experience of holding and being held in this way.
Find a place where you can sit comfortably for as long as 15 minutes. (You may want back support.) Then, take turns holding each other and following the directions below. The person being held lies across the partner’s lap with his or her head against the heart of the holding partner. Let yourself be aware of your experience of holding and being held in this way.
Note:
This is not what is called a “regression exercise.” Each of you will be speaking as an adult, not as a young child.
This is not what is called a “regression exercise.” Each of you will be speaking as an adult, not as a young child.
Directions:
Decide who will be the holder and who will be held. Get into a comfortable position, with the head of the person being held close to the heart of the holder.
1. The holder begins the exercise by asking: “Tell me about the pain and frustration of your childhood.” The person being held talks about early, hurtful experiences. After every few sentences, the holder mirrors back what the partner has said. (If the person being held cannot remember any pain from childhood, he or she can talk about any relationship pain outside of the current relationship.) If the person being held cries or sobs, the holding partner encourages those feelings and mirrors them. “You must have felt so sad.” “You went through so much pain.” “I can see how much it hurt.” “Your tears make me want to cry.”
2. Once the memories are over, the holder says: “What was the worst part of that … ?” The person being held responds: “The worst part was …” The holder listen empathetically, and then says, “Thank you for telling me.” The person being held says, “Thanks for listening.”
3. Change roles and repeat the exercise.
4. Now write down your own childhood pain and injury and your partner’s pain and injury. In the days to come, bring to mind your partner’s early experiences and visualize your partner’s hurts when he or she was a child.
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