Getting the Love You Want, 20th An. Ed. (28 page)
Read Getting the Love You Want, 20th An. Ed. Online
Authors: Ph.D Harville Hendrix
BOOK: Getting the Love You Want, 20th An. Ed.
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(review chapter 2)
Time:
Approximately 30 minutes.
Approximately 30 minutes.
Purpose:
Now that you have a vision of the future, this exercise will take you back into the past. It is designed to refresh your memory of your caretakers and other influential people so that you can construct your imago.
Now that you have a vision of the future, this exercise will take you back into the past. It is designed to refresh your memory of your caretakers and other influential people so that you can construct your imago.
Comments:
You may do this exercise together or at separate times. It is important that you be free from distractions for a period of thirty minutes. Read all of these instructions before carrying them out.
You may do this exercise together or at separate times. It is important that you be free from distractions for a period of thirty minutes. Read all of these instructions before carrying them out.
Directions
1. First do some slow stretching exercises to help you relax. Then settle into a comfortable chair. Breathe deeply ten times, becoming more relaxed with each breath.
2. When you are feeling peaceful, close your eyes and imagine your childhood home, the earliest one you can recall. Imagine yourself as a young boy or girl. Try to see the rooms from the perspective of a small child. Now wander around the house and find the people who influenced you most deeply as a child. As you encounter these people, you will be able to see them with new clarity. Stop and visit with each one. Note their positive and negative traits. Tell them what you enjoyed about being with them. Tell them what you didn’t like about being with them. Finally, tell them what you wanted from them but never got. Don’t hesitate to share your angry, hurt, or sad feelings. In your fantasy, your caretakers will be grateful for your insights.
3. When you have gathered this information, open your eyes and record it according to the instructions in
Exercise 3
.
Exercise 3
.
(review chapter3)
Time:
Approximately 30–45 minutes.
Approximately 30–45 minutes.
Purpose: This exercise will help you record and summarize the information you acquired in
Exercise 2
.
Exercise 2
.
Comments:
You can do this exercise individually.
You can do this exercise individually.
Directions
1. Take out a blank piece of paper and draw a large circle, leaving about three inches below the circle. Divide the circle in half with a horizontal line. Put a capital letter “B” above the line on the left side of the circle, and a capital letter “A” below the line on the left side of the circle. (See illustration below.)
2. On the top half, next to the “B,” list all of the positive character traits of your mother, father, and any other people who influenced you strongly when you were young. Lump all the positive traits of all these people together. (Don’t bother to group them according to individuals.) List these traits as you recall them from childhood. Do not describe your caretakers as they are today. Describe them with simple adjectives or phrases like the following: “kind,” “warm,” “intelligent,” “religious,” “patient,” “creative,” “always there,” “enthusiastic,” “reliable,” etc.
3. On the bottom half, next to the “A,” list the negative traits of these key people. Once again, lump all the traits together.
This list of positive and negative traits is your imago.
4. Circle the positive and negative traits that seem to affect you most.
5. In the blank space below your circle, write down a capital letter “C” and complete this sentence: “What I wanted most as a child and didn’t get was …”
6. Now write down a capital letter “D” and complete this sentence: “As a child, I had these negative feelings over and over again: …”
(For the moment, ignore the capital letters. They will be referred to in
Exercise 5
.)
Exercise 5
.)
(review chapter 2)
Time:
Approximately 30–45 minutes.
Approximately 30–45 minutes.
Purpose:
This exercise will help you clarify your major childhood frustrations and describe the way you reacted to them.
This exercise will help you clarify your major childhood frustrations and describe the way you reacted to them.
Comments:
You can do this exercise individually.
You can do this exercise individually.
Directions
1. On a separate sheet of paper, list the recurring frustrations you had as a child (see example below).
2. Next to the frustrations, briefly describe the way you reacted to the frustrations. (You may have responded in more than one way. List all your common responses.) Put the capital letter “E” above your reactions as in the example.
Matt’s Chart
 | |
|---|---|
| Frustration | Response |
| Didn’t get enough attention from my older brother. | Was a pest. |
| Kept trying to get his attention. | |
| Father often gone. | Sometimes I was angry. |
| Usually tried to please him. | |
| Felt inferior to older brother. | Resigned myself to my inferiority. |
| Tried not to compete directly. | |
| My father drank too much. | Tried to ignore it. |
| Sometimes I would get stomachaches. | |
| My mother was overly protective. | I kept things to myself. |
| Sometimes I was defiant. |
(review chapter 9)
Time:
Approximately 30 minutes.
Approximately 30 minutes.
Purpose:
The Parent-Child Dialogue is designed to help you deepen your memory of your childhood and increase your empathy for each other.
The Parent-Child Dialogue is designed to help you deepen your memory of your childhood and increase your empathy for each other.
Comments:
Decide who will be the Child and who will be the Parent. The partner playing the Child role acts as if he or she were a young child of a specific age and talks in the present tense. The Child selects which parent he or she wants to talk to. The Child may select both parents or any other significant caretaker. The partner playing the Parent takes the role assigned but responds with more compassion than the real-life parent.
Decide who will be the Child and who will be the Parent. The partner playing the Child role acts as if he or she were a young child of a specific age and talks in the present tense. The Child selects which parent he or she wants to talk to. The Child may select both parents or any other significant caretaker. The partner playing the Parent takes the role assigned but responds with more compassion than the real-life parent.
Directions
1. Sit face to face. The Parent says: “I am your mom/dad. What is it like living with me?” (If the parent is dead, use the past tense.) The Child (regressed to a specific age) then describes painful childhood experiences with the parent by saying: “I am X years old. Living with you, mom/dad is …” The Parent mirrors those memories in an empathic tone that, most likely, contrasts with the behavior of the actual parent.
2. The Parent asks: “What is your deepest hurt with me?” The Child replies: “My deepest hurt with you, mom/dad is …” The Parent mirrors the Child. The Child continues the converation by filling in the following sentence stems in order. “What hurts me about that is …” “I’m sad about that because …” “What I am afraid of is …”
3. The Parent says: “What do you do when I hurt you?” The Child says how s/he copes with the pain. Examples: “I go to my room and cry.” “I get angry and strike out.” The Parent mirrors the comments with empathy.
4. Next, the Parent asks: “As your mom/dad, what do you need from me the most that I am not giving to you?” The Child says: “What I need most is …” The Parent mirrors the statement and then validates the Child’s pain and the underlying need by filling in the blanks in the following remark: “It makes sense to me that you feel … and that you need … , given that I …” As an example, “It makes sense to me that you feel alone and frightened and that you need me to pay more attention to your needs and feelings given the fact that I am so emotionally distant from you.”
5. Now, step out of your roles. The Parent says, “I am no longer your mom/dad. I am your partner. Thank you for
sharing that with me.” The partner responds, “I am no longer your child. I am your partner. Thanks for listening to me.”
sharing that with me.” The partner responds, “I am no longer your child. I am your partner. Thanks for listening to me.”
6. Switch roles and go through the exercise again.
7. Now, on a sheet of paper, write a summary of what you learned about your partner’s pain and frustrations from childhood and what your partner needs to heal those wounds. Review each other’s summary statements for accuracy. Do not criticize your partner for any inaccuracy. Just correct the text until it fully reflects your experience.
8. When you are through, share what it was like to do the exercise.
(review chapter 3)
Time:
Approximately 30–45 minutes.
Approximately 30–45 minutes.
Purpose:
This exercise will help you define the things you like and don’t like about your partner and compare your partner’s traits with the traits of your Imago.
This exercise will help you define the things you like and don’t like about your partner and compare your partner’s traits with the traits of your Imago.
Comments:
Do this exercise individually. Do not share this information at this time. The Behavior Change Request Dialogue exercise
here
will help you make constructive use of this information.
Do this exercise individually. Do not share this information at this time. The Behavior Change Request Dialogue exercise
here
will help you make constructive use of this information.
Directions
1. On a separate sheet of paper, draw a large circle, leaving three inches of blank space below the circle. Divide the circle in half with a horizontal line, as you did in
Exercise 3
. Put the capital letter “F” above the line on the left side of the circle. Put the capital letter “G” below the line on the left side of the circle.
Exercise 3
. Put the capital letter “F” above the line on the left side of the circle. Put the capital letter “G” below the line on the left side of the circle.
2. On the top half of the circle (beside the “F”) list your partner’s positive traits. Include traits that first attracted you to your partner.
3. List your partner’s negative traits beside the “G” on the lower half of the circle.
4. Circle the positive and negative traits that seem to affect you the most.
5. Now turn back to
Exercise 2
and compare your imago traits with your partner’s traits. Star the traits that are similar.
Exercise 2
and compare your imago traits with your partner’s traits. Star the traits that are similar.
6. On the bottom of the page, write the letter “H” and complete this sentence: “What I enjoy most about my partner is …”
7. Now write the letter “I” and complete this sentence: “What I want from my partner and don’t get is …”
Note: Your comments will make sense to you when you complete the next exercise.
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