Girl In The Woods (11 page)

During the days
he is away, my sleep is restless. Since he is not here to ask him, I take the
initiative and sleep on the bed. Every time I wake up shaken by my nightmares,
I am relieved by seeing him sleeping on the rug in front of the fireplace in
his wolf form. Until cruel morning arrives again and steals him away from me.

Our common life
turns back to normal after six days. He is back to being my Lord and I couldn’t
be more content. He is obviously cheerful about coming back too, as I can
discern from the way he talks to me while we prepare lunch.

“Did you go to
school?” he asks me.

It’s perhaps the
only question he has ever asked me about my life.

“Yes. But I also
had private tutors.”

“Teaching you
what?”

“Well, everything
a lady of my class should know to be an eligible wife. Piano, foreign languages
and good manners.”

“Good manners?
Like?”

“How to address
people like a lady, eat and drink in a fashionable mode, even how to pick
dresses and the finest jewelry.”

“That sounds
interesting,” he comments sarcastically.

“It wasn’t at
all. I always felt like I didn’t belong there. I preferred to run in the forest
on my own, oblivious to staining my fine dresses.”

He gives me a
look that I can only interpret as disbelief.

“Don’t you
believe me, my Lord?”

“Oh, no, my
bitch. I do believe you. You have proved to me you are unlike most girls. But I
would like to know to what extent. Come with me. I will teach you something I
am sure no teacher ever bothered to show you.”

We go outside
and he sits on the ground cross – legged, laying his hands on his knees.

“Sit like me,”
he orders me.

I sit beside
him.

“No, my bitch.
Sit in front of me.”

I do as he
implies. We are face to face.

“Back straight,
hands on your knees and close your eyes. Don’t speak unless I tell you to. Just
listen to what I am saying.”

I obey. Closing
my eyes, all my other senses get heightened.

“Tell me. What
can you feel with your senses?”

“I feel the dry
grass scratching gently my legs…”

“What else?”

This is more
challenging than I thought it would be. It’s easy to listen, feel and
experience, but I find it difficult to describe.

“The sun’s warm
rays on my face, a fly on my arm…”

“Good. Now, tell
me what you sense outside of you, that doesn’t have any interaction with you at
all.”

“The ducks
floating in the lake…Birds singing in the trees. One is above us and another
replies from a distance.”

I turn my head
to the lake to catch a sound.

“A dragonfly, I
think…It buzzes unstable, uncertain.”

I turn my head
to him again.

“Your breath…” I
mutter regretting it immediately. I hear his breath? What sane person
concentrates on someone else’s breath?

“Very good, my
bitch. Now, I want you to distance yourself. Can you do this? Imagine you are
in everything around you. You are the dragonfly and the ducks. You are the
birds and the fly. You are my breath. Don’t think. Just imagine.”

I let go…And I
imagine I am one of the ducks swimming nonchalantly. I can almost feel I have
feathers, moist by the lake’s brisk water. Then, I am the dragonfly. I have
purple, transparent wings. I transform into one of the birds, high on a tree
looking for my ideal mate to celebrate life. In the end, I am his breath. I am
in him. Something unexpected happens at that point. My being gets split into many
individual pieces and I am everywhere. I am the trees, the ants on the ground,
the white clouds. I am free.

“You can open
your eyes,” he whispers.

I come back to
my body and it’s like I have just been born. And the first one I see in my new
life is him.

“You are so
handsome.” The words slip from my mouth, like water dripping through my
fingers.

He is puzzled,
but at once he adopts a firm expression.

“Lesson is over. Let’s eat,” he says and now it’s my heart that is
ripped to a million pieces.

Why did I have
to say such a thing? Precisely when he was intimate with me after so many days.
Now, he is back to being remote and enigmatic.

Calista, was
what you said so horrible? Really? You only told him how beautiful you think he
is. It was a compliment, not a curse.

He surely treats
me like I cursed him.

After we have
lunch – he lets me eat on the table – he sets out with the excuse of having to
meet with some friends in the forest. I am surprised to hear that he has
friends and of course I ask him if they turn into wolves, like he does.
Apparently, there are many like him. Men and women. How come all these years
that I have been wandering through this forest I haven’t come across any of
them? Then again, I may have run into them in the past, but they were probably
in their human form and I mistook them for servants that worked in nearby
houses.

When night comes and he hasn’t returned yet, I am extremely worried.
What if something happened to him? Or if he left forever? I should have never
told him he is handsome. I pushed him away. It’s evident he doesn’t like me,
let alone find me attractive. Yes, he has told me so many words that can be
mistaken as words of affection and love, but he is just a teacher for me and
nothing more. Thanks to my impulsive stupidity, I might have lost him as a
teacher, too.

I wake up feeling rather hot. My dreams were turbulent. Him, me and
smoldering desire. It is still night and he is in his animal form, sleeping on
the floor by the fire. Relief washes over me and I fall asleep again.

It’s such a
beautiful day. The sun is shining brightly, but there is a crisp breeze making
the summer heat less intolerable. He took off before I woke up. I am deeply
hurt by his avoidance. If he doesn’t want me to be here anymore, he can just
say so. I don’t know how I will stand his rejection, but I just can’t endure
the uncertainty anymore. I miss him so much. Every fiber of my body aches and
longs for him. Yet, he is away…

I find a plain, long, white dress to wear and I go out to bask in
the sunshine, until he comes back from hunting. The beauty around me serves as
a means of oblivion regarding my pain. I lie under a tree next to the lake and
closing my eyes, I endeavor to feel like yesterday morning, when we were
together and he guided me to new, unexplored worlds.

“Calista…are you
sleeping?”

“Mmmm…”

I open my eyes
and he is on his knees next to me. He is so beautiful that my heart clenches. I
smile against my will. It takes a lot of strength not to show my delight when
he is near me.

He looks at me affectionately,
like a tender dad and fondles my cheek.

“Calista! You
are burning up!”

“What?”

“Baby, you have
fever. Don’t you feel bad?”

Right now, no. I
am flying in heaven only because he called me ‘baby’.

“No. Only a
little giddy, but nothing else,” I reply.

“Let’s get you
inside.”

He picks me up
and I eagerly surrender my body on his sturdy arms.

“I will cook
today,” he says when he has placed me on the bed. “Let me get you a nightgown
to wear. You will stay in bed. Don’t you dare get up.”

I never thought
that he could be so caring and tender. He fed me on the bed and kissed my
forehead from time to time to see if I still have fever.

At night, my
condition gets worse. I am literally burning and quivering uncontrollably. He
spends the night changing wet pieces of cloth on my forehead and never leaves
my side.

“Please, lie
next to me,” I beg and he fulfills my wish.

He takes me in
his arms protectively and I already feel better.

“My bitch…you
are nothing like all the other girls. You are different,” he mutters.

“What do you
mean, my Lord?” I manage to ask. My lips are dry and irritate me when I speak.

“Nothing. Go to
sleep. If in the morning the fever hasn’t dropped, I will take you back home.”

No. I can’t go home. Please, Conor, no. Don’t abandon me. I love
you.
I wish I had the power to pronounce what is
hidden in my soul. But the fever gets the best of me and I fall in a deep
sleep, burdened with daunted dreams.

            Mmmm…this feels so good…waking up with his body in my arms is the
best cure for any disease. But…no, it’s not him. It’s the pillow I am hugging.
Has he left already? There is a dim light coming from the window, so I presume
it must be dawn.

He held me
tightly all night, taking care of me. I faintly remember him changing the wet
clothes on my forehead and washing my arms and legs to help my temperature
drop.

A sensation
bigger than life itself floods my lungs and all of a sudden I have the energy
to do anything. I know he cares for me. His concern and affection last night
reflected his love for me. The fever has completely dropped with his tender
care. He is obviously my medicine. My love. I sit up smiling and biting my lip.
I love this man and it’s about time I let him know about it. I need to tell him
that for me he is not just my teacher, but so much more.

I put on a green
knee-length dress, that matches my eyes in perfect harmony and storm outside to
wait for him.

I stop when I
see him sitting by the lake pensive. He looks at me with sunken eyes from the
sleeplessness. He seems tired and gloomy.

Don’t worry,
Conor. I am fine. Thanks to you.

“Good morning,”
I greet him when I have sat beside him.

“What are you
doing here?” he asks.

Jeez, can’t he
just greet me like a normal person?

“I feel fine.
Don’t worry.”

He feels with
the back of his palm my forehead.

“The fever has
dropped, but still you shouldn’t be outside. That is reckless of you. Please go
back in and get some more rest.”

“Ok,” I say a
bit disappointed.

“Ok? Just
because you were ill, it doesn’t mean that the rules no longer apply.”

“Yes, my Lord.”

He doesn’t show
any sign of contentment. Aloof as he has been all these past days.

As I get up, I
am overwhelmed by my feelings.

Calista, it’s
not the right time…Don’t do it.

As much as my
mind struggles to contain me, my love for him is much stronger than any logic
or reason.

He is staring at
the lake, twisting a little twig between his fingers.

“My Lord, I…I…”

“Don’t say it.”

What? I am
flustered.

“How do you know
what I want to say?”

“I just do.”

“Then, why won’t
you let me say it?”

“Because you are
not supposed to have feelings for me.”

I am shocked.
Painful, stinging tears push against my will.

“What? Why not?”

“You are not
allowed to talk anymore. Go inside.”

I purse my lips
infuriated. How does he dare to shut me up when I am trying to express to him
my love?

“I don’t care,”
I snap. “What am I doing here?”

“Calista, you
are here to familiarize yourself with your true nature, which is to be a good
wife. I am teaching you how to be humble, how to love and serve a man.”

“But I love a
man already and I want to serve him with all my heart.”

“Calista, stop.”
He is still sitting, but his eyes are on fire. I bring out the animal in him,
but I don’t mind. I won’t keep on playing this game.

“We kiss, we
have sex, we sleep cuddled. How do you expect me not to have feelings for you?”

“I am just
someone who shows you the way to your true cravings. Nothing more.”

“Fine. Then, I
guess I have learnt everything I need to know, right?”

“Most of it,
yes.”

“I can go, can’t
I? There is no reason for me to stay here.”

He turns his
head to the lake again.

“I think it
would be best for both of us. You are ready to find happiness with a man, who
will be suitable for you.”

Don’t you
dare cry, Calista. He is not worth it.

I press my
fingernails in my palm in order to detach my attention to another pain from the
one that has nested in my heart.

“Fine. I’ll go
take my dress and I’ll leave.”

“You can keep
the one you are wearing.”

“Thank you, but
I don’t want anything that has to do with you,” I state bitterly.