Glass Hearts (18 page)

“Your ass is going back now!” I shout. Alex reaches up to touch my arm, but I pull back. Even she can’t calm me down right now. I’m tired of my mom working against me when I’m trying to make things better.

“You can’t fucking tell me what to do!” he yells, stepping closer to me.

“Someone has to tell you what to do!” I shout back, glaring at my mom. Sometimes I pretend that we’re all fine, but there are moments when I feel like I’m the only adult. “You should’ve left him there. Why can’t you be a parent for once and quit trying to be his goddamn friend.”

My mom startles as my voice continues to rise. I can feel my nostrils flare. I’m pissed, there’s no way around it.

“He wanted to leave,” she replies. I can tell she’s close to tears. I’m tearing her apart, and part of me doesn’t care; she’s the one that made me this way. I have to control things because there was a time I felt helpless. I know that’s what Nolan is feeling now.

“You should want him to get better,” I say, lowering my voice slightly.

“I do.”

“No, you don’t. Sometimes there’s a difference between need and want; he needs all the time he can get there. What he wants doesn’t matter.” I’m tired of having these conversations with her. I’m only twenty-three and I’ve been the parent for over half my life.

Nolan comes even closer to me. I don’t move; he doesn’t intimidate me. “Leave her the fuck out of this. I would’ve found another way home,” he says, sticking his finger in my chest.

“Well, if you’re still sober in six months, I’ll thank her,” I snap.

“You’re such a fucking asshole,” Nolan says, pushing me back. I’m not ready for it, so I stumble slightly, backing into Alex who falls into the wall.

“Get the fuck out of my house!” I shout, before turning my attention to Alex. She doesn’t look hurt, but she’s upset. I can see the moisture pooling in her eyes as I take a few deep breaths to calm myself down. “Are you okay?”

She nods her head, and I offer my hand to help her up before rubbing my hands up her arms a few times, calming her down. When I turn back around to lock the door, Nolan and my mom are still standing there, staring at us. “You.need.to.go. Now!”

“It’s your birthday. What about breakfast?” my mom asks, looking toward Alex.

“Just go. Please,” I repeat, watching as they finally make their way out the door. I rub my hand over my face as I feel Alex’s hand on my back. Usually her touch soothes me, but it’s not enough this time. My fucked up family ruined something for me once again. I haven’t had a birthday cake since I was nine. Fourteen-fucking-years without a cake. For so many years, I just wanted to mean something to someone. It might sound stupid, but it hurts.

“Nolan, if you change your mind about going back, you have my number,” I shout as they close the door to the apartment. He keeps walking, ignoring my comment. Maybe Nolan hadn’t hit his rock bottom. Then I remember the guys who were after him before he went to rehab. I can’t do much about it, though. He’s made his decision.

Alex and I stand in silence, looking at the closed door. A little while ago I was in bed, thinking about all the good things I could do today, and now I’m trying to think of something to do to make it all go away.

“Do you want to eat breakfast?” she asks quietly, picking at her fingernails.

“I’m not hungry anymore,” I say, running my hands through my hair.

She looks down, avoiding eye contact with me. “I’m going to go clean up the kitchen then.”

Fuck, I made her cry again.

My family ruined her breakfast plans and I know I should follow her into the kitchen and at least try to eat something, but I don’t. I’m not good company right now.

Our families are both fucked up, but mine’s a little rougher around the edges, and on days like today, I feel like Alex deserves better. Someone who can give her a fairy tale dream. All I can give her is a fucking nightmare.

While Alex works in the kitchen, I start the shower, hoping that it might calm me down. The hot water runs down my face and chest. It’s almost too hot, but I don’t care. The burn on the outside helps distract me from the fire inside. I think back to the morning that changed my life forever.

“Nolan, give me my card back! That one is going to be worth lots of money someday,” I shout, trying to get my Derek Jeter card back from his sticky fingers. Having a little brother isn’t fun, especially this one who’s always getting in my stuff.

“You have to catch me first,” he yells, running around the couch.

“Nolan, I’m going to tell Dad if you don’t give it back to me.” I chase him around the couch so many times that I’m dizzy and thinking of other ways to get the card back from him.

“Boys, you better knock it off right now before your mother gets home. You know how much she hates it when you run through the house!” my dad yells, stopping us in our tracks. My Dad’s voice always does that to us.

Nolan hands me back my card as the doorbell rings. We both take off toward it, trying to see who can open it first. I win. Nolan never beats me at this game.

Standing on our front porch are two police officers. I want to be a police officer when I grow up, so I smile big, thinking they’re coming for me. “Hey, young man. Is your Daddy home?” one of them asks me.

My Dad opens the door all the way, stepping behind me. “Hey, officer. What can I do for you?”

The officers look at each other, and the taller one nods to the shorter one. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but there’s been an accident. Your wife and daughter were hit by a truck, and I’m afraid your daughter didn’t make it.” He pauses long enough that I can hear my father sobbing behind me. What does the officer mean when he says she didn’t make it? “If you want to come with us, we can take you to your wife. She’s banged up, but they think she’s going to pull through.”

I turn to my dad. His head is buried in his hands, and I’m not quite sure what’s going on, but watching the way my dad is reacting is making me sick to my stomach. “Daddy, what is he talking about?”

“I’m sorry, buddy, Jenna’s not coming home,” he says, wrapping his arms around me. I crumble as he holds me tightly against his body. Before now, I’d never imagined a moment without Jenna in my life.

It was the first worst day of my life. I didn’t know it would be one of the last times my dad would hold me. The day he left was the next worst day of my life. I lost count of my bad days after that.

The tears stream down my face, mixing with the hot shower water. I want that day back. I want to make it disappear from my history and completely rewrite it.

Nolan was too young to be as affected as I was, but what happened to our family tormented him just as much as it did me. I know his pain because I feel it.

I want him to feel how I feel now. I want him to experience life the way I’m experiencing it with Alex. I want him to feel something besides anger, sadness and resentment, but I can’t make it happen. I’m realizing that more and more.

With my forehead resting against the shower wall, I let the tears continue to fall. I’m so caught up in my own head that I don’t hear the bathroom door open, or the shower curtain moving. I don’t feel anything until Alex has her arms wrapped around me from behind, pressing her lips to my back. I cover her hands with mine and close my eyes, letting her touch soothe me.

She has no idea what she does to me.

“I’m sorry I ruined your breakfast,” I finally whisper. She doesn’t cook...ever, so I know it was a big deal for her.

“You didn’t ruin it. I should have kept it between us. I just thought it would be nice to have your mom over because of the way dinner ended the last two times. I thought we might have a little better luck with breakfast. I’m learning that we shouldn’t plan things like this with your family…not one of them has ended well,” she says, gently nipping at my back.

“Thank you for trying. It means a lot to me.” I turn to face her and wrap my arms around her waist. Seeing her naked in front of me, looking so damn beautiful, makes me forget about my shitty life and problems. All I want to do is bury myself inside her. She can’t make me forget everything, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get lost in her for a while. I watch the water droplets roll down her face and follow them as they roll over her breasts. Wet Alex is sexy as hell. She follows the path my eyes take, and a sexy smirk appears on her face. Yeah, it’s my birthday and I should get something I want, right?

I lean in and suck on her lower lip. She responds by wrapping her legs around my hips, pressing her little body against mine. With the hot water at my back, and the warm skin wrapped around my front, she’s all that’s on my mind.

I run my lips along her jaw and nip at her earlobe, hearing a sweet moan escape her lips. “I want you so fucking bad right now,” I say, feeling her shiver as my lips hover over her ear.

She pulls back, grabbing my face in her hands. “What are you waiting for?” I turn, pressing her back against the shower wall. Usually, I like to go slow, tasting every in of her body before sliding inside her, but right now I just need to lose myself in her.

“Dane, please,” she breathes, sliding against my erection. That is my undoing. With one motion, I’m in. All the way in. She feels so good around me. Every moan and whimper makes me feel like this is where I belong…with her. Her touch and sounds are like silk to my soul. The outside world doesn’t matter right now. Nothing else matters.

My motions start out slow, but I can’t control myself for very long. I have too much going on in my head; too much I need to say, and no words to say it. This is me owning her and showing her that no matter what happens, she’s mine.

Her nails work at my back; it’s a good kind of pain. It makes me forget the bleeding inside, so I push in further, wanting to feel more of her. A few seconds later, her tight little body is squeezing mine, sending me over the edge. It’s one of the most intense orgasms I’ve ever had as she wraps her arms even tighter around me. Damn, I would do that all over again in a heartbeat.

This is definitely better than a stupid cake.

“Happy Birthday,” she says, loosening her hold on me.

I kiss her swollen pink lips. “You, naked in my shower, was the best Birthday present ever.”

“I’ll have to see what I can do to top it next year,” she says, reaching for the soap. She moves her small hands over my body, leaving a trail of soap behind, and all I can think about is how much she’s changed my life.

Dane’s been pretty quiet since the incident with his mom last week. I don’t blame him; it seems like every step he takes to propel his family forward is followed by her doing something to send them back.

Nolan thinks he doesn’t need rehab anymore because he’s been sober for a few weeks, but I can tell by the way he reacted that he’s on the verge of stumbling back into his old habits. I saw a glimpse of the Nolan I met the first night at Janet’s. I hope he’s being sincere, and that he really wants to stay clean, but I’m not convinced.

Dane and his mom aren’t on speaking terms, yet again, and I wonder how much longer this tug of war can go on before the rope just breaks. I understand that Dane can’t give up on his family, he feels responsible for them, but he also can’t live under the weight of this pressure forever.

Tonight, I’m relieved to be at work and not stuck in the small apartment with my super on edge boyfriend. He’s working too, but at least we have our space. I love him to death, but when he’s upset about something, he tends to retreat into himself. I just want him to open up and talk to me. This morning I asked if he wanted to go for a run and he said he was too tired, only to leave for a run by himself two minutes after I got home from mine. I asked him about it and he said he needed time to clear his head. I know he has a lot on his mind and I wish he would let me in to help him. I want to fix him like he fixed me.

“Better watch yourself tonight…I heard Reid’s in his office,” Kara says, walking over to help me polish glasses. Kara and I aren’t close outside of work, but we do have some fun when we work the same shifts. However, she has a tendency to make drama out of nothing. I hate drama; I lived with it for far too long and it just unnecessarily complicates life.

“He doesn’t bother me,” I reply, taking a quick glance to his office door. It’s closed, but I can see the light shining through the bottom. I’ve seen Reid a few times since the night we danced and he’s been nothing but friendly, or should I say, quiet. He usually comes out for just a few minutes to check out how everyone is doing, but then quickly retreats back into his office.

“Yeah, me either. He’s just a spoiled rich kid,” she says, shaking her head.

“Sometimes being a rich kid isn’t all it’s cracked up to be,” I whisper, earning me a quizzical look from her. I haven’t told her about my life and how I ended up here, but I’m not going to share it. My past isn’t who I am anymore; its just part of what shaped me.

She shrugs as we both return to polishing glasses. I glimpse in Dane’s direction and see him placing bottles in the cooler. I usually love to watch him as he does it, but the scowl he’s wearing right now makes me want to turn in the other direction. The way he’s been acting toward me, you’d think I did something to piss him off, but I didn’t. He’s just pissed off at the world in general lately.