Glory (25 page)

“Shh. You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re just protecting yourself and I don’t blame you for it.”

“I’m so stupid.”
Stupid for making the same mistakes over and over again.

“No, you’re not.”

“I don’t know why I ever thought we could ever be together.” People like me weren’t meant to be in relationships. We always screwed things up for ourselves and no one could ever understand why.

In some ways, I had predicted this would happen. Whatever bad things had come out of it, I was willing to endure it just to be with Hastie for a while. But that ride had ended far more swiftly than I anticipated. Did that mean I regretted standing in line and handing in my ticket?

No, I realized as my tears soaked Seven’s shirt. I still loved Hastie and I believed that even after this, I probably always would.

I never thought I would get to this point, to find someone that I felt completely in tuned with when so much of my life was disconnected with reality. But the thread that linked us together had been a one-way street. Hastie didn’t feel like I was letting him in and that had everything to do with my biggest insecurity. Fear of acceptance in a relationship was one thing. Fear of the stigma was another.

If Hastie knew about what was really happening to me, would he see me differently? Would he still want me?

The answer was no. Hastie hadn’t a clue about what was going on inside my mind, yet he had retreated already. How much worse would it have been if he had known?

When he had found me holding his pistol up to my head, he’d seen a bit of the darkness that was inside of me. It threw him into an emotional tailspin, causing him to react violently and avoid me for days. Maybe his decision was what the both of us needed.

As long as that was true, it gave me little faith about this life. The tears now weren’t just for the pain of lost love. It was about my vulnerabilities once again getting the best of me. Depression felt so consuming without hope to cling onto to. And this break-up proved once again that I would always be alone.

NINETEEN

Rainbows Without Rain

Hastie

W
alking into Neptune’s felt wrong. There was no life. No meaning. Nothing to make me smile. I saw the faces of my brothers and frowned. Could they sense the foul mood I was in?

Hanna was behind the bar, speaking—or rather yelling—to whoever was on the other end of the line. She was gesturing wildly and for a second there, I thought she’d knock over the bottles to her side and break something. “She hasn’t been coming for her shifts!” she cried. “Where the hell is she?” At that, my senses went on high alert. I moved in, eager to learn whom she was talking about. Was she talking about Indy? “No,” Hanna continued. “I haven’t seen her. That’s why I’m calling. Is she with you?” The faint sound of someone speaking on the other end of the line answered. “Well then, tell her to get her ass out of bed and call me!” Hanna smashed the receiver down then and caught me staring at her. “What?” she snarled.

I raised an eyebrow. Damn, Hanna could be scary when she wanted to be. No wonder Knuckle found her to be fierce. I tilted my chin towards the phone. “Who were you talking about?”

Hanna sighed and slumped forward on the bar. “Indy.”

My body turned rigid. “Why? What happened to her?” This was the first time someone had mentioned her to me since the last time I saw her a few days ago.

“She hasn’t been coming in for her shifts. I was worried something happened to her.” I had a guess but I wanted to keep that only between Indy and I. Hanna’s sharp eyes narrowed to slits. “When’s the last time you saw her?” Aw shit. You could never get anything past Hanna. “Hastie,” she warned when I started to eye the exits.

I sighed. “When I broke things off with her.” The redhead’s eyes widened before she glared at me as if I had just admitted to kicking her dog.

“I hope you understand what you could have done.”

I nodded, running a hand over my face. Yeah, I fucking knew. I messed up things beyond fixing. I never realized that Indy would take it this hard. It pained me to know that I was the cause of all her distress.

“I noticed a change in her, Hastie,” Hanna whispered. She wasn’t looking at me, but down at the bar. “Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed it too.”

“I have,” I assured her. It was why I pushed her so hard to tell me what was bothering her.

“What happened to her?” She sounded so sad. “What happened to our Indy?” I shook my head, unable to provide an answer. It was what I was working towards finding out but my efforts had blown up in my face instead. “She used to be the life of the party,” Hanna said quietly. “A ray of sunshine. That’s why I hired her. I wasn’t looking to hire new staff but I wanted her anyway.”

That had been the same thing I thought when I first laid eyes on her. There had been something about Indy that drew me in. Her laughter was infectious, and with her, I had had some of the best days of my life.

“I don’t know what happened between you two and I’m not claiming to understand, but all I know is that whenever you two were together, you looked happy. And in a world like this where the flares come and go, it’s nice to have that kind of rock.”

Hearing those words from Hanna, knowing how well she knew her bartender, it made me realize that I wasn’t ready to give up Indy.

I had to see her. To make sure she was okay. I might have been the one to abandon her, but that would never translate to me not caring about her. You could only hold someone close to you if they wanted to be held. Indy had fought against every welcoming gesture I gave her, making me wonder if she ever trusted me at all.

When I had suggested a break between us, I hoped she’d fight me like she always did. I needed to see that spark within her ignite. To push for something that she really wanted. What I should have done was communicate how I felt about being emotionally blocked from her instead of reacting with hateful words meant to hurt.

“Fuck,” I muttered. This separation thing only made me want her more. Not simply because I felt guilty for hurting her, though that was part of it, but because the both of us were better as a unit.

My phone chirped and I looked down to see a text from Lucky.
We doin’ something 2nite?

I sent a text back.
No. Got some groveling to do.

Lucky’s response came back swiftly
. LOL. I’d like to see that. Can I come too?

No.

Just make sure u pout a little. Girls love that shit. With your lip ring, it’ll look sexy.

U think my lip ring is sexy?

I luv it :)

Gd 2 kno. May need u l8r 2 pick me up from the floor. Groveling is new 2 me.

I got u, bro.

With that, I headed over to Indy’s armed with apologizes and my sexy pout, willing and ready to use anything and everything in my arsenal to fix this mess I’d made of us.

Indy

I rolled over with a groan. Could’ve sworn someone was calling my name but when several more seconds passed and there was no sound, I rolled back over in bed and shoved a pillow between my legs.

“INDDDDYYYYYY!!” Seconds later, my bedroom door swung open with a bang. My best friend stood there filling up my doorway with her hands on her hips, a clear sign that she was pissed. “What the hell is going on with you?” she cried. “Hanna called. Said you haven’t been coming into work?”

Oh right. ’Bout that. I hadn’t been the best employee lately, missing my shifts and not calling in beforehand to make sure someone could come in and cover them. I hadn’t been in the mood to speak to anyone really.

Thank goodness it hadn’t been Hanna to barge in here demanding I haul my sorry ass into work even though I deserved it. I wasn’t sure how I was going to face her. “Hey, are you even listening to me?” Seven threw her slipper at me. “Wake up, you cow!”

When that did nothing to snap me out of the sorry state I was in, she latched onto my ankles and tugged hard. Crying out, I fought her, kicking even as I held onto the end of the mattress. “Leave me alone, you crazy bitch!” Seven’s sudden laughter broke through the air. I slid an irritated glance at her as I tried to straighten my top that had ridden up. “What’s so fucking funny?”

“
You
.” She sighed. “How long are you going to be like this?”

I had no answer for that. My body felt weak and weighed down like I wore cement blocks as shoes.

“Come on, Indy. Can you at least give Hanna a call and let her know what’s going on with you? I’m sure she’ll understand.”

“I don’t think that Hanna will see it as professional if I tell her I don’t want to go into work because I’ll see Hastie there.”

“Well, you’re not exactly looking professional by not calling in either.”

“Shit, you’re right.” I was letting Hanna down.

“Call her,” Seven said with a meaningful look before she handed me her phone.

I stared at it for a long moment, fear mounting. “Take it, Indy. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what?”

Seven’s eyes softened. “I can’t watch you cry for days and then go numb. You have to go back out there.”

Damn.

Something inside of me deflated at hearing those words out loud. Seven didn’t often comment on my moods. That she was now caused me to question just how deep I had dug myself into a hole this time.
Was I that bad?

“Please, Indy,” she begged. “You can’t continue to hide from the world. You’re stronger than this.” She lessened the distance between us, holding out her phone once again.
“Call her.”

I rolled my eyes but took the phone she offered. As I dialed the dive bar’s number, music played in the background before Hanna’s boisterous voice filled the other end. “You better be dead or damn close to it, Indy! What’s so bad that you can’t come to speak to me about it?”

Only Hanna could threaten you and then make you feel bad about it. She had every right to yell at me so it came as a surprise when she asked me what was wrong. No other employer in my past had cared enough to ask.

“I’m sorry, Hanna. I haven’t been feeling good and well, you know Hastie and I had a falling out, right?”

“I heard about that, honey, and I’m sorry for that. But you still should’ve called me to let me know about your shifts. I have a business to run.”

I winced. She was yet another person I had failed. But Hanna was right. I was being irresponsible and I had to own up to it. I couldn’t let this keep me down. This depression could go fuck itself. In order to stop feeling this way, I had to break the cycle. “You’re completely right,” I said. “If it’s okay, I want to come in tomorrow for my shift.” In my peripheral vision, I saw Seven give me a thumbs up.

I could almost hear Hanna’s growing smile on the other end of the line. “All right, baby girl. You take care of yourself and I’ll see you tomorrow.” In a lower voice, she said, “Stay strong, mama. Remember, there are no rainbows without rain.”

It was like she knew exactly what to say to make me feel better. I think I smiled genuinely for the first time in days. “Thanks. I will.”

Hastie

I came to a stop in front of Indy’s house. Removing my helmet, I took a moment to take it all in. There was a great likelihood she would slam the door in my face. My actions had been beyond cruel and selfish. The earlier trip to Ward Three had put me on edge. Indy’s constant denials and lies weren’t helping my mood either. I had sensed that something was wrong with her for weeks. And now hearing Hanna’s take on it made me believe that it wasn’t just me being paranoid.

When I was by the front door, I took a deep breath to ease my nervousness and knocked once. For a long moment, there was no sound from within until suddenly, the door swung open to reveal Indy. Her eyes sharpened when she saw me standing there. “Hi.”

“What do you want?” The glacial tone in her voice matched the coldness in her eyes.

“Can we talk?”

She crossed her arms over her chest. “Do you remember the last thing I said to you?”

Um. “Yeah.” Though it hadn’t been pleasant.

“Repeat it for me.”

“Come on, Indy. I just want to—”

“
Repeat it, Hastie.”

I sighed. “You said, if you walked away, you wouldn’t come back.”

She smiled thinly at me. “And I still stand by that.” Then Indy punctuated that by slamming the door in my face.

I flung myself at the door, banging on it. “Indy! Dammit! Come on, babe. Give me a chance to apologize.” The door shuddered as I punched it in frustration.
Son of a bitch!
This groveling bullshit? Way more difficult than it looked. I knocked again, harder this time while calling out her name.

Her muffled voice came through the door. “Go away, Hastie.”

“Open the door! We need to talk this out!”

“There’s nothing to talk about!”

“Indy, please.”

“I said, go away!”

“Open the fucking door!” I yelled. Christ, she knew just how to rile me up. But I had to keep myself under control. One wrong word and this would go past the point of return.

There had been hurt in her eyes when she opened the door and saw me. And while I had no idea how to fix it, I knew I never wanted her to look at me like that again. When a few minutes passed and she still didn’t open the door, I reached into my pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. I took a deep drag, hoping it would ease my growing anxiety. When that didn’t help, I slid my phone from my pocket and texted Lucky.
She won’t see me.

Ur an idiot.

She slammed the door in my face.

LOL.

I waited for another text with some helpful advice but minutes passed and it still didn’t come.
That’s it?
No advice???

She doesn’t want 2 c u. What else can u do? Not like u can break into her house or sumthin.

Growling, I stuffed the phone into my pocket again and glared at her house. Indy was in there, avoiding me. I could see the light on in her bedroom, meaning she was probably in there right now. Maybe writing about how she hated me.