Glow (9 page)

28.

Lucy

I keep retreating to my room. No one else has claimed this space, and I like having it to myself. The compound feels smaller right now than it did for the sixteen years I was crammed in these curved walls. I hear Charlie and Lukas arguing in the study. Charlie tries to be rational, Lukas is everything but.

There’s a soft knock on the door, and then Basil’s voice. I dread talking to her. She knows what the cost of my cowardice has been. Her being locked up in a dark room for weeks. I’ve been avoiding the conversation I know she’s looking for.

“Lucy, can I come in?” She carries a plate of food with her as she slips through my door. My stomach growls, I haven’t eaten all day.

“Of course,” I say, eyeing the carrots. There’s a dip I don’t recognize, and Basil notices where my eyes have focused.

“It’s bean dip. Fava beans. One of the girls from Headquarters brought them with her. I guess their gardens were pretty impressive out there. Did you see them?”

“No. I didn’t really get a chance to look around.” I take a carrot and dip it eagerly, taking a bite. “This is good. I mean, I didn’t have high expectations, but it’s better than canned stuff.”

“Yeah, or better than eating bugs and dandelions.” There’s a hint of the past in her hard voice.

“Where were you this morning?” Basil asks. “I was looking for you, but couldn’t find you anywhere.”

“I was with Charlie, but not for long. It wasn’t the greatest conversation….” I don’t know how much to say. Girl-talk-heart-to-hearts aren’t my strong suit. I’ve not exactly followed through with Basil in that department.

“Do you
like
him, like him?” she asks, sitting crossed-legged on my bed. Her black hair is tied in a messy ponytail, and it makes her eyes appear bigger, but hollow. Looking closer, I notice a tiny whole near her eyebrows, where piercings must have been before The Light. She had to wipe away traces of herself when she joined.

I’ll have to do that when I return.

“I don’t like him any more than my other friends. I mean, I like Colton and Junie and Duke. They’ve all been really good to me.”

“I know. I just see how he looks at you.”

“He likes the idea of me.” It’s the truth. “He likes the idea that he can help this weak girl grow strong wings.”

But I don’t want his help.

I want to learn to fly on my own.

“I think Lukas is the one who needs
your
help, Lucy.” She picks at the thread of the comforter. This is the reason she sought me out, to talk about Lukas.

“I don’t think so. It seems like Lukas has everything pretty well figured out on his own.” I roll my eyes and fall back on my pillows.

“He’s a mess.”

“Why do you say that?” I ask, turning toward her. “You’ve only just met him.”

“When we were driving away from Refuge Two, Perfection was getting all annoying again. You know how she is? Like forcing him to kiss her, and getting all flustered when he wouldn’t answer her. It was like he was trying to protect her, and not betray you, so he kept his mouth shut.”

“He
did
betray me, Basil.”

“Let it go, Lucy. You would have done the same for him, and if you think you wouldn’t, you’re lying to yourself. He was willing to do anything to get you back. That is commitment.”

“What’s the point of all this? You want to tell me that Lukas is a great guy, give him a second chance, rah-rah-rah. I never said he wasn’t special. I just said I don’t want to be tied to him like
that.”

“That isn’t the point. The reason I came here was to tell you, that night in the car, Lukas’s light got all weird. Like hazy and muddled. It was off. That’s when the car crashed and his light went out.”

“Okay … I know that. His light’s gone out before, Basil. I helped turn it back on both times.”

“His light is off again. At least it was last night, after you went to bed. He was having a really great time because everyone believes in him. And I get it. I mean, you guys are like Heaven on earth, or something insane that I don’t even understand. Something happens when you’re together that doesn’t when your apart.”

“Basically you’re telling me I can never leave his side?”

“That’s not what I‘m saying at all. I’ve been in the dark, Lucy. And when we were at the Rehabilitation Center, I know he did something dark. He was in a room with a Humbleman and he … I don’t know what … but I think you need to help him so his light doesn’t get ruined, like, so he doesn’t go to the dark side.”

“I feel trapped, Basil.” I shock myself as vulnerability drips from my voice.

“You’re not trapped, you’re growing.” Basil squeezes my hand, and I see fear in her eyes. She isn’t joking about the things she shared. She’s scared for Lukas, scared for his light. Scared in ways I don’t completely understand.

But I trust her.

I grab hold of the word,
trust
, not wanting to let go. The word that’s held me back and held me down. I’m realizing it may also be the word that sets me free. Maybe trusting someone isn’t always bad. Maybe trust can help us get through the hard parts. The parts that are too scary to do alone.

29.

Lukas

Everything in my life, besides Charles and the massive chip on his shoulder, seems to be taking shape. There’s a big hunting party right now, and everyone is hoping to find enough food to sustain the large group gathered. I stayed behind, wanting to look through the book Junie has claimed as her own. Every time I read the words describing the meaning of my light, and the reason for the Rainbow Children, I feel reinvigorated.

“Lukas?” Lucy walks into the study. Seeing her furrowed brows and hesitant steps, I can tell something’s off. If Charles got to her, I’m not going to let it slide. I won’t let him manipulate her.

Her long hair hangs across her face, and she brushes it from her eyes. The green cloud surrounding her still manages to catch me off guard, in a good way. I never thought there’d be someone in the world like me. But here she is, living, breathing, and my partner.

“Is something wrong?” I ask, trying to be the person she needs.

“No. I’m fine. I’m just….” Her emerald eyes well up with tears.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” I hate to see her hurt. I know I’ve been a part of the pain. Bringing Perfection here was one of the worst decisions of my life. But now I’m determined to make the right choices.

“I’m worried about you,” she says. Her words surprise me.

“I’ve never been better, Lucy,” I say, reassuring her. “I’ve never felt more alive.”

“Don’t dismiss me, Lukas.” Her words have a sharp edge, like she’s trying to cut away. I want her to come back. Come back to me.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean … But why exactly are you worried about me?”

“Because Basil told me about your light in the car and how--”

“So now Basil’s trying to drum up the drama with Perfection all over again? I said I was sorry. I meant it. I never wanted to hurt you. But what is done is done.”

Lucy flinches at the words, and I realize my inflection was rougher then I intended.

“It’s happening, whether you like it or not,” she says, shaking her head in disbelief.

“What’s happening?”

“You’re becoming like them.” She turns to leave, not explaining her cryptic words.

“Becoming like who?”

“Like the Councilmen, Lukas.”

She walks out of the study, her words lingering in my ears.
Like the Councilmen.
  She knows how piercing that statement is. My blood boils with resentment, shocked that she’d say something so brutal.

I throw the book across the room, letting out a sharp scream. The person I need right now is only by my side because she’s playing a part. I need Lucy to support me with her emotions as well as her actions.

After all, intention is everything.

30.

Lucy

This is ridiculous.

Lukas refused to hear me out, Charlie accused me.

No one’s hearing me. I walk out of the compound, my hair flying, anger written on my face, and run straight into Colton. Great, another man to tell me how I’m wrong or small or weak.

“Lucy.” He grabs my hand as I try to push him away. He takes me in his arms and holds me close. “It’s okay.” He holds me like a brother I never had, and when he doesn’t let go, I break down. He lets me cry in his shoulder, and I do. Heavy sobs come, not the small tears of last night. I’ve become insignificant to the ones that matter the most.

Lukas can’t see what’s really happening as he stretches his arms, reaching toward power he’s never felt. It builds him up in a false way. The soft tender boy I met on the ledge, who was strapped to a chair each night and bound to a life he was powerless in, is missing.

I miss him.

So I let myself cry in the arms of a boy who is safe to let my guard down around. He saw me weak when I was huddled in a cell, he saw me nervous to reveal my light under the Cedar tree. I don’t need to put on a brave face for him.

When the tears have finally stopped, and my eyes are rimmed in red, he speaks, “Lucy, what part of this aren’t you happy about?”

I try and stifle my laugh, but it erupts out of my chest. “What part?” I wipe my tears with the back of my hand. “How about every single part?” The only thing that’s made sense was Lukas and I on the ledge, but I should have stayed with him or he should have jumped with me. Because when we let our hands separate, our hearts divided, and so did our intentions. Our intentions about everything. “I’m stuck, Colton. It’s like my own life is suffocating me.” I hold my hands around my throat, to give a visual.

“Don’t do anything drastic, dear.” He pushes my hands away from my neck. He always knows what to say to lighten the mood.

“That’s the thing, I can’t do
anything
!”

“Stop it, Lucy. Stop acting like you’re a victim. You’re a person here, too. This is your life.”

“Well, you’re the only one who seems to think so. You read the book about the Rainbow Children. I can’t pretend to not know. But honestly? I wish I didn’t. I should have never brought us here to the compound, because then we’d never have found the book. And I would be free.”

“You can be as free as you want.”

“Easy for you to say, Colton. You can do whatever you want. You don’t have to stick around so someone else can live. You don’t have a light that keeps growing from the inside out.” I drop my head, embarrassed by my outburst. Embarrassed about how I feel about all of this. I should be marveling about this healing power I hold in my hand.

“Lucy, I’m no freer than anyone else here. Free to do what? To wander the world alone? To get myself killed by a renegade mob? That’s not freedom. You’re lucky. You have a purpose. Yet you’re being so stubborn and selfish that you can’t see it.”

I step back from him. I just want someone on my side, not another guy telling me where I’m missing the mark.

Colton continues, “You’re so consumed with this idea of independence that you can’t see what being free in this world -- this dangerous, cruel, harsh world-- actually means.” He shakes his head, disappointed in me. “I care about you, Lucy, I do, but you need a reality check.”

His words cause my tears to come again, because he’s right. I have an idealistic vision of what it would be like to ride off in the sunset. I can see it in Basil’s hollow eyes and hear it in Colton’s jaded words; I can feel it in the wounds around Hana-Banana’s heart and in the resignation in Duke and Junie actions.

Being free hasn’t made my friends lives whole or complete. It’s hurt them.

“You’re right, I am selfish. I feel like….”

“You feel like you never even got the chance to choose. And when we lose our voice, we lose ourselves. I get it.” Colton wraps his long arms around me, and my sobs are held in his chest, as he lets me collapse all over again. “So the real question is, how do we get you your voice back?”

31.

Charlie

Perfection says she loves me, but she represents everything I’m not. Tied down to something, someone.

Maybe Lucy was right; I was only interested in her because she needed someone to help her go. Help her cross from the threshold of holding back to living a life broken free.

“Charlie?” Duke comes up to me, where I’m feeding the horses. I can’t believe how many horses are here. I smile thinking about how Grandpa kept so many horses in his planning for the blackout. His stables were massive, and his plan worked. At least a part of his plan did. His horses have allowed us to travel quickly, and without much trouble.

“What’s up?”

Duke’s a good, loyal friend, and I’m glad he and Junie have gotten together. Especially after her revealing her psychic or whatever you call it, talent. She needs someone like Duke to keep her grounded.

“I wanted to tell you there’s a big pow-wow going on in the study. Lucy called a meeting and wants us all there.”

“You going?”

“Yeah, I mean Junie says it’s important and I trust her.”

“Okay, I’ll be right there.” I wipe my hands on my pants. “Do you know what it’s about?”

“I’m not sure, but I hope it’s about when we’re moving out of here. I was out hunting this morning with a bunch of the cowboys, and they’re ready to go. Everyone’s wooed by Lukas’s claims of what’s waiting for us at The Light. You know, hot showers, soaking tubs -- I think we could all use that.”

I get it. I remember the lifestyle I experienced at The Light. Especially when your brother is the prophet. Luxuries I haven’t had in years.

I follow Duke into the house and walk into the study filled with a bright light. The core group is here; even the younger girls are sitting and braiding one another’s hair.              Lucy puts her hands on Basil’s forehead, and they both smile apprehensively.

“I’ve had a terrible headache all morning,” Basil explains when Duke and I cock our heads trying to figure out what’s going on. “She’s trying to relieve me of it.”

“I bet I know why you have a headache. You spent this morning talking about me behind my back,” Lukas snaps. I watch Basil roll her eyes.

Apparently this isn’t so much a pow-wow as a shit-storm.

“Stop being so goddamned stubborn!” Basil calls him out and the room grows quiet. “Seriously. I believe in your energy, obviously, but be nice. I have a headache!” Lucy keeps her own eyes closed in concentration, trying to help her friend.  Basil lets out a groan in relief, “Okay, whatever you did, girl, it worked. My headache’s gone. Completely.”

“That’s awesome, Basil,” I tell her. “But, um, Duke told me we have a meeting … what’s going on?”

Colton stands up and walks front and center. “Lucy and I wanted to have a meeting to talk about our plans.”

My head swerves to get a good look at him, confused. Man. Lucy jumps from Lukas to me to Colton. What the hell?

“What do you mean, you two have a plan?” Lukas asks, pushing out more light. We can’t help but pay him attention when he does that. At least he’s as confused as I am.

“Colton and I talked, and together we came up with a plan of action for anyone who wants to join us.” Lucy is stony faced, arms crossed and determined. I wanted to be the reason she feels strong, what does Colton have that I don’t? I look at my friend, the guy I spent so many years with, who I complained about Reagan with, learned to drink moonshine with. And now he gets my girl?

“Wait, are you guys, like a thing?” I ask, not able to help myself.

Their laughs stop my train of thought.

“Um, no offense, Lucy, but you aren’t my type,” Colton says with a flourish of his hand, bowing his head towards her.

“Not that it would matter if we were, Charlie.” She glowers at me, putting me in my place. “So, who wants to hear our plan?”

“I do.” Junie’s the first to speak, and the room nods in unison taking her lead.

“So we decided that we are going back to The Light.” A wave of light pours out of Lukas, and we can all tangibly feel his relief.

I want to punch him.

“But on a few conditions,” Lucy continues. “The first being we aren’t going to cross the bridge. We want to take a boat to Refuge One instead, because that’s where we’re starting.”

“Starting what?” I can’t help but blurt out. I know I’m starting to royally piss Lucy off, but I can’t help it.

“Starting our attacks against the Councilmen.”

A giant intake of breath fills the room.

I didn’t think Lucy was the fighting type.

“No way,” Lukas shouts. “We aren’t going to a Refuge to start shooting people down. That’s against everything The Light is going to be standing for.”

“Well, that’s what Colton and I are doing. We will go to the next Refuge, and the next, until all the Councilmen, except Integrity, have been eliminated.” Lucy’s stony face has turned to steel. “What they did to my mother is inexcusable, and I’m not letting it happen to any other woman, not if I can help it.”

“So you and Colton just get to decide what you want to do now?” Lukas screams. “The Light are my people.”

“Oh really, because I was under the impression they were
ours
.” Lucy yells right back at him. Lukas’s light shifts in color, muddier than before.

“Lukas, calm down.” Junie stands, and hold out her arms.

“I’m fine. It’s Lucy and Colton who are the ones out of the minds,” Lukas sneers.

“No, it isn’t. You’re out of control, Lukas.” Lucy cries as she grabs him, pounding on his chest. “This is the problem I was talking to you about earlier. Just stop it!”

They enter their cocoon when they get close like this, when they are charged this way. The rainbow of light surrounds them and I can’t see or hear them. I only know I’m witnessing something magical.

I can see why Lucy was never really mine.

They pull apart and tears streak Lucy’s cheeks, Lukas’s too. I want to look away but I can’t, I want what they have.

“Lucy and Colton’s plan makes sense,” Lukas says. “But I want to see my parents first, then we can go.” His voice is resigned, and he looks at me. I want to hug him for all the reasons I shouldn’t.

“After we fight the Councilmen, Lukas and I will try and figure out our job, our role as leaders of The Light. Hopefully Junie will help us with the stuff we don’t understand, but the sacred texts will help us, too. We’ll go back to the origins. We will find the truth.” Lucy finishes speaking, and looks at Colton.

“We’re fighting them because death is the only way to stop people like that.” Colton stands taller now that he’s taking the lead.

“Well, I for one am with you. Like one hundred percent, all the freaking way. I hate those men.” Basil punches her fist in her hand, declaring her intent. “And I really hate Integrity, even if he helped us, because he still was the one who locked up Hana.”

“It’s true he made some bad choices, but….” Lucy hesitates. “He has the light inside of him too, like Junie and Lukas. I felt the same surge of electricity from him. He’s good.”

Duke and Junie agree to the plan, and then all eyes turn to me.

I don’t want to pledge my future to a belief system I don’t understand, one that seems warped and twisted. Then I look at my brother and Lucy, and know that whatever is going on with them is unexplainable. It doesn’t take faith to believe in them, because this is real. It’s right in front of me.

I’ll help fight. I can do that much. I don’t know how useful I’ll be to their auras and palm reading and light and love. But I’ll come.

“Look, I’m not sure if I’m with you, but I know I’m not against you. I’ll help fight.”

Lucy gives me with a big smile. The kind I wanted for myself.

“We have one problem,” Duke says, surprising us, as he’s usually so short on words.

“What’s that?” Colton asks.

“We don’t have much in the way of ammunition. I was out with the guys this morning hunting and it’s pretty rough. It’s a hodge-podge in terms of what they’re using.”

It’s true. I’ve looked at bullets after shooting to see if any can be reused.

“I can help you,” Lucy says, surprising us. “Follow me.”

She leads us through the dining room into the kitchen, and then pushes a small cabinet out of the way. Once moved, it reveals a hatch door.

“Come on,” she says, her body alight, and her smile glowing too.