God Hates You, Hate Him Back: Making Sense of The Bible (32 page)
Read God Hates You, Hate Him Back: Making Sense of The Bible Online
Authors: CJ Werleman
Parsin: Your kingdom is divided and given to the Medes and Persians.
Later that same night Belshazzar, king of Babylon, was found murdered in his bed and Darius the Mede took over the reins of the kingdom at the age of sixty-two.
Like the preceding books of the prophets, I urge you return to this passage at the conclusion of reading the Book of Revelations, as this serves as another inspiration for later plagiarism.
Daniel tells of a dream he had one night whilst Belshazzar was still alive:
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In my vision at night I looked and there before me were the four winds of heaven churning up the great sea. Four great beasts, each different from the others, came up out of the sea. The first was like a lion and it had the wings of an eagle. I watched until its wings were torn off and it was lifted from the ground so that it stood on two feet like a man and the heart of a man was given to it.” (Daniel 7:2-4 NIV)
Daniel then describes the bizarre physical features of the first and second beasts with the later two straight out of a 60s horror movie:
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This beast looked like a leopard. And on its back it had four wings like those of a bird. This beast had four heads and it was given authority to rule. After that, in my vision at night, I looked and there before me was a fourth beast – terrifying and frightening and very powerful. It had large iron teeth; it crushed and devoured its victims and trampled underfoot whatever was left. It was different from all the former beasts and it had ten horns.” (Daniel 7:6 NIV)
Note that the concept of Hell, an eternal suffering, is nowhere to be found in the Old Testament, but from these dreams and writings it is obvious that the early Christian church of Paul drew on these passages to create the concept of a destination for the damned.
And for the benefit of the last chapter of this book, I offer another of Daniel’s visions for your reference:
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As I was thinking about this, suddenly a goat with a prominent horn between his eyes came from the west, crossing the whole earth without touching the ground… The goat became very great, but at the height of his power his large horn was broken off and in its place four prominent horns grew up towards the four winds of heaven.” (Daniel 8:5-8 NIV)
Daniel’s final chapter promises end times and for the first time in the Old Testament the promise of resurrection and after-life is suggested.
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There will be a time of distress such as had not happened from the beginning of nations until then. But at that time your people – everyone whose name is found written in the book will be delivered. Multitudes who sleep in the dust will awake: some to ever-lasting life, others to shame and everlasting contempt. Those who are wise will shine like the brightest of the heavens and those who lead many to the righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever.” (Daniel 12:1-4 NIV)
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Some things have to be believed to be seen.”
Ralph Hodgson
The Book of Hosea is the first of twelve books of the ‘minor’ prophets, not minor in terms of inferior to Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, or Daniel, but minor in terms of the amount of material written.
Hosea was a prophet sent by God to prophesize to the Jews of the Northern Kingdom of Israel and he did so during the period of Jeroboam II’s reign in approximately 700 BC. This is a significant moment in Middle Eastern history, as this coincides with the period when Rome was beginning to establish itself in the region, thus a period of great political and social instability.
Hosea has often been referred to as the Jeremiah of the Northern Kingdom, remembering that Jeremiah prophesized to those in the Southern Kingdom of Judah.
The opening passage of Hosea begins with God commanding Hosea to marry a prostitute named Gomer. His friends nicknamed him a Gomersexual. But I digress. Anyway, Hosea did not love her, but God being God, made it clear that this was not a negotiation. Hosea obeys and marries this woman of ill repute and she bears him two sons and a daughter. God, in his usual pissy tone, orders Hosea to name his first as so:
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Call him Jezreel, because I will soon punish the house of Jehu for the massacre of Jezreel and I will put an end to the kingdom of Israel. In that day I will break Israel’s bow in the Valley of Jezreel.” (Hosea 1:4-5 NIV)
Hosea eventually falls in love with the woman God has pre-arranged for him, but becomes heartbroken when she runs off to continue plying her ass for cash at the ‘Boom Boom Room’ in Bethel. Hosea cries on God’s shoulder:
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Their mother has been unfaithful and has conceived them in disgrace. She said, ‘I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.’” (Hosea 2:5 NIV)
God tells Hosea to lift up his droopy chin and go forth to lure his prostitute wife back to him:
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Go, show your love to your wife again, though she loved another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.” (Hosea 3:1 NIV)
God just helps himself to a little jealous jab at the Israelites, but now he is envious of the people he created and the people he chose to be his favorites because they love raisin cakes?
Hosea obeys his invisible master and goes on a shopping spree purchasing silver and grain. He then goes down to the brothel she performs tricks at, pulls her outside for a chat and on hands and knees, begs her to return to him, with the offering of the aforementioned gifts, but on the proviso:
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You are to live with me for many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man and I will live with you.” (Hosea 3:2-3 NIV)
Here endeth this strange love story, as the remainder of Hosea’s writings echo that of the major prophets, as he too prophesizes the downfall of Israel because they now worship other gods.
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Hear the word of the Lord, you Israelites, because the Lord has a charge to bring against you and who live in the land: There is no faithfulness, no love, no acknowledgment of God in the land.” (Hosea 4:1 NIV)
Hosea forewarns that the end of their kingdom is near and because of their idol worshipping they can count on God not coming to save them unless they change their ways.
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Generally speaking, the errors in religion are dangerous; those in philosophy only ridiculous.”
David Hume
Joel is considered to be one of the earliest prophets, as biblical scholars widely believe him to have lived in the time of Elijah (see Book of Kings). The name Joel, in Hebrew, means “Jehovah is my God” and God chose Joel to interpret natural occurrences into God’s meaning, so that the Israelites would understand.
He begins with the story of an invasion of locusts that destroy all the crops within the Southern Kingdom of Judah:
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What the locust swarm has left the great locusts have eaten; what the great locusts have left the young locusts have eaten, what the young locusts have left other locusts have eaten.” (Joel 1:4 NIV)
I think he could have made the above passage far simpler to understand with the words, “Shit, the locusts have eaten everything!” Talk about a word-waster!
Upon waking to see this devastation, which is in a dream of course as it is a prophecy and not a news bulletin, he yells at the village folk to wake up from their wine induced hangovers:
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Wail all you drinkers of wine, for it has been snatched from your lips. A nation has invaded my land, powerful and without number; it has the teeth of a lion, the fangs of a lioness. It has laid waste my vines and ruined my fig trees.” (Joel 1:5-7 NIV)
This prophecy of using the locust parable is Joel’s unique way of conveying God’s message that destruction is on the way because his people are acting like drunkards in their worship of other gods.
Joel demands that the people of Judah repent for their sins and as an immediate call to action, he summons an assembly to demand that the declaration of a holy fast in the one true God’s honor. The elders and priests refuse to listen to Joel’s food abstinence request, thus prompting Joel to forecast pending an immediate doom at God’s behest:
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Blow the trumpet in Zion; sound the alarm on my holy hill. Let all who live in the land tremble, for the day of the Lord is coming. It is close at hand – a day of darkness and gloom, a day of clouds and blackness.” (Joel 2:1-2 NIV)
Like his fellow prophets, Joel foretells that the Israelites will be returned to a state of glory after they have been forced to learn the hard way in captivity.
“In those days and at that time, when I restore the fortunes of Judah and Jerusalem.” (Joel 3:1 NIV)
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Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.”
Aldous Huxley
Amos differs from the earlier accounted prophets in the fact that he did not come from a family of wealth or nobility, nor did he have any formal religious training. He was wholly and simply a shepherd of sheep from a town called Tekoa, located approximately 15 miles from Jerusalem. Now, whilst his origins were obviously that of Judah, the Southern Kingdom of Israel, his writings concerned mostly the Northern Kingdom of Israel.
Amos begins with a declaration that God will soon cast judgement upon all neighboring nations including Damascus, Gaza, Edom, Tyre, Ammon and Moab. The following words of God were spoken to Amos whilst Israel and Judah were at the zenith of their powers within the Middle East, in approximately 800 BC, whilst Jeroboam II was king of Israel and Uzziah king of Judah:
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For three sins of Damascus, even for four, I will not turn back my wrath. Because she has threshed Gilead with sledges having iron teeth, I will send fire upon the house of Hazael that will consume the fortresses of Ben-Hadad. I will break down the gate of Damascus; I will destroy the king who is in the Valley of Aven and the one who holds the sceptre in Beth Eden.” (Amos 1:3-5 NIV)
Using somewhat identical words, God promises the destruction to all the neighboring nations in a singularly targeted message. But he doesn’t provide his beloved Israelites favorable treatment and promises the following judgment upon the Northern Kingdom:
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Now then, I will crush you as a cart crushes when loaded with grain. The swift will not escape, the strong will not muster their strength and the warrior will not save his life.” (Amos 2:13 NIV)
God voices his jealousy, once again, that Israel refuses to worship him and him only and calls on Amos to demand that the nation repents for its sins, or they will soon know of God’s wrath.
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You have lifted up the shrine of your king, the pedestal of your idols, the star of your god – which you made yourselves. Therefore I will send you into exile beyond Damascus.” (Amos 5:26 NIV)
Amos prophesizes the destruction of Israel, and writes of the vision God has in store for them, a vision that demonstrates God’s murderous intent. As God reveals to Amos that he won’t be satisfied until every Israelite idol worshipper is hunted down and destroyed. God tells Amos that he will hunt down every Israelite sinner and kill them by the sword, whether they are hiding in the mountains, in the sea, in the valleys, or underground. No one will be able to hide from God’s murderous rampage, no matter how artful they are at the do or die version of the game of hide ‘n seek. The final verse, once again, makes evident God’s schizophrenic nature, as the celestial lord promises to restore Israel to its glory after he has destroyed it.
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Everyone wants to go to Heaven but no one wants to die.”
Joe Louis
The Book of Obadiah is the shortest of the Old Testament containing only twenty one verses. The theme of the book is that God will not hesitate to destroy any nation that becomes an obstacle for Israel’s agenda. The nation made an example of is Edom whose fortified city of Petra was perched high in the mountains, making it impossible for invading armies to conquer due to its rugged vertical cliffs and heavily fortified walls. Edom had been used as an arms depot and rally point for attacks against the Israelites as far back as Abraham’s times. A perpetual thorn in the side of Israel, this was the Biblical version of Hitler’s ‘Eagles Nest’ and hence God decreed the destruction of Edom: