Authors: William Pauley III

Goddamn Electric Nights (5 page)

BOOK: Goddamn Electric Nights

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“
Viewers?!”


The
woman pointed to a camera mounted in the corner of the room. “Oh yes, we have
to keep it on us at all times, or else we don’t get our cash prize.”


I
looked up at the camera. The device hummed and whirred as the lens zoomed in close
on my face. I stood and stared silently at the floor, trying to digest all of
this peculiar information.


“I
want in on this...” I said.


“What?
No, you can’t. Why would you even want to?” she asked.


“I
want me a piece of that money pie, that’s why!”


“No,
no, no, no, no… we’ve come so far already. We don’t need your help! Why should
we waste any of our prize money on you?”


“Hmm…
well, you have done quite a bit of damage to this building, wouldn’t you say?”
I said
,
eyeing the blood spattered walls and the
waist-deep gulf covering the floor. She looks around, noticeably nervous. “I’d
hate to have to keep your damage deposit as the consequence.” I said. Being a
landlord most of my adult life, I always was pretty good at blackmail.


She
gulps and takes a quick glance at Teddy, “No… we wouldn’t want that. Surely, we
can work something out here.”


“Ah,
good! Now that’s exactly what I
was
wantin
’
to hear! So, shall we continue?”


“Continue
what?” she asked.


“Continue
killin
’ Teddy!”


Her
eyes perked up and she smiled. “Okay, great! Just let me get my goggles.”


“No,
no… you just wait. If we’re
gonna
do this, then we
are
gonna
do it the right way.
The
easy way!”


I
grabbed a plastic trash bag and a roll of duct tape from one of the cabinets. I
filled the bag with water and taped it around Teddy’s head. Teddy was dead
seven minutes later.


“See,
he still drowned, the audience still gets their entertainment, and there is
less to clean up afterwards! This
killin
’ thing
ain’t
too hard, you just
gotta
use your noggin’.”


“Wait!
Look! He’s changing!” she screamed excitedly.


She
was right. Teddy’s body was changing right before our very eyes. Bones popped
and shifted. A new layer of insect shell jutted out from each of his joints and
covered the previous armor. Soon there was this whole new thing
livin
’ and
breathin
’ right before
our very eyes. This time, Teddy was an ear wig.


We
continued to play this morbid game for
somethin
’ like
three weeks. Teddy turned into every insect you could possibly imagine.
Some as a giant, but mostly in their natural smallish forms.


For
the most part it was a cakewalk. The smaller bugs we were able to kill with
household items, like cleaning solvents and rolling pins.


The
larger ones took a little thought to pull off. Once, Teddy turned into a giant
moth and escaped through the kitchen window while we were
thinkin
’
of a new, exciting way to kill him. I grabbed the camera and chased Teddy
through the city, scaring the living hell
outta
all
the people out in the streets. Luckily for us, Teddy fell in love with a giant
neon sign that stood just outside of Wild Bill’s Gentleman’s Club. The little
lady and I enjoyed a couple beers and a great show, while Teddy sat perched on
that sign until his insides were fried from the intense heat. I knew it was
time to go home when the joint started to reek of what smelled like burnt
popcorn.


When
the day finally came, the day that Teddy became his last creature, we were all
too excited that none of us could think straight. We all three had dollar signs
in our eyes. Plus, we done killed
ol
’ Teddy just
about every goddamn way you can kill an insect. There just wasn’t anything left
to do. I’m sure there were millions in Japan laughing at our
dumbasses
that day as we all sat slack-jawed and silent.


Then
I got the itch. It had been a few days since I had had any good shit. I looked
over at Teddy, now a water bug, resting gently in his loving fiancé’s palm.


“I’ve
got it… here, let me have him!” I said, as I took poor
ol
’
Teddy and pinched him between my left index finger and thumb, to keep him from
squirming. I looked down at Teddy and whispered, “I’ll be seeing
ya
, buddy!” then jammed Teddy’s crispy torso up into my
left nostril and snorted. I felt Teddy squirm as he made his way down my nasal
cavity, nearly escaping from my mouth, and finally dissolving in the stomach
acids that gurgled below.


Much
to my surprise, Blondie wasn’t jumping for joy like I initially thought she
would be. Instead, she was balled up on the recliner crying her goddamn eyes
out.


“Hey,
hey now… what is all of this, huh? I thought you’d be happy! Come on! Teddy
will be here any minute… when do we get our money?”


All
of a sudden, her crying had stopped and had evolved into deep and hysterical
laughter.


“Ho, ho, ho, ho!
You
rearry
think
you’re slick, huh, Mr.
Randrord
!” she said, her voice
was now much lower and she seemed to be speaking in some sort of strange accent
that she didn’t have before.


She
turned to look at
me
.
,
raised her hands up slowly and dug her fingers into her throat,
yankingoff
a mask, revealing the face of a smallish
Japanese man underneath.


“Ho,
ho, ho… Mr.
Randrord
!
Smire
for camera! You are on Super Happy Fun Time! I do
berieve
you know the rules, correct?”


I
didn’t answer. I was in shock. He continued.


“The
organism you just ingested contains the chemical
Cramorhorozide
which
crevery
rewrites your DNA. You are the new
Teddy! Ho, ho! We will give you one year to
comprete
course! If you succeed, then the cash is yours! Goodbye, Mr.
Randrord
… and good
ruck
!”


And
then he was gone.