Goddess (23 page)

CHAPTER 17

I sat unsteadily on a stool in Van’s formidable, sun-drenched kitchen. The stainless steel blinded me, making me feel like I was lost in a shadowless desert, which I was.

“Sometimes I imagine what would happen if Trent found out,” Van was saying to me from somewhere across the marble island. “Would he just make some snide comment and go back to his computer screen? Would he finally get mad enough to actually notice me?”

“I can’t see Matt forgiving me. I don’t even know if I want his forgiveness. I don’t know if I regret the choice I made, but I hate the idea that I’ve hurt Lily and I’m going to hurt Anna and Mackenzie too.”

Van sat down her coffee and wrapped her hand gently around mine. “It’s not going to be easy but you’re remaking your life into something wonderful. In the long run, it may be good for everyone.”

Despite my best effort, tears rolled down my cheeks like a steady rain against a windowpane. Van squeezed my hand tighter. “I’m afraid, Van,” I admitted. “There are so many things that could go wrong.”

“All you can do is take it one step at a time.”

“The first thing I have to do is tell Matt. I can’t let Lily have the burden of living with this secret.”

“If you need someplace to stay afterwards, our guest room is all yours.”

~*~

I called Matt from the car, inside the cocoon of our garage. “What’s up?” he said when he answered. He sounded in a hurry.

“What time does your flight get in?”

“I think it’s 6:20.”

“I’m going to pick you up.”

“Why?”

“I just wanted a chance to talk to you.”

“What about?” I could tell from his change of tone that I hadn’t fully accomplished my goal of sounding nonchalant.

“I’m sorry, I can’t talk about it now. Just call me when your plane lands, okay?”

“Sure.”

I hung up and took a deep breath. My heart was beating wildly. I’d never faced a conversation this difficult in my life. I couldn’t think about it now. I just needed to move forward and do what must be done.

I quickly called Isabelle and arranged for her to come. Then I called Ashland. I hadn’t told him yet about what had happened.

“I’m sorry,” he said after I hurriedly spilled everything that had transpired since he dropped me off at my car the day before. “What do you need?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’ll be here when you need me,” he assured me.

“I might not be able to see you for awhile.”

He was silent for a moment, though I could still hear his steady breathing.

“I’ll wait for you.”

I clicked off the phone. Ashland had done everything right. He didn’t remind me that he loved me. He didn’t push me to make a decision. He didn’t ask anything of me. I couldn’t expect the same from Matt.

I went into the house and slipped CC’s leash over his excited head. We walked towards the lake. It was surprisingly pleasant for late April in Chicago. I counted my rapid footfalls, block after block. It helped calm me. It helped me think.

I heard a voice deep in my heart—a voice of doubt. Or was it a pragmatic voice? I had confronted the idea of what change would do to my family, but how would it affect my relationship with Ashland? As long as I was a prize that wasn’t entirely attainable, my goddess status was intact. But if I gave myself fully to Ashland, if we became an ordinary couple, forced to negotiate the mundane tasks of life, would he still see me that way? My charming quirks would become annoying habits. Sex would become routine, then infrequent. Another young, attractive grad student would catch his eye.

Earthbound, is a goddess still divine?

~*~

That evening, I waited in the kiss ‘n’ fly lot for Matt’s call. I had practiced what I was going to say but it didn’t really matter. I couldn’t soften the blow. It was what it was.

When I saw Matt’s face as I pulled up at arrivals, I knew I should have just told him over the phone. He looked tired and stressed. He tossed his overnight bag in the backseat and climbed in next to me. I maneuvered the car in with the hurried crowd of vehicles heading towards the city.

“What’s going on?” he asked, watching the road ahead.

“There’s no easy way to tell you this so I’m just going to say it,” I said, my voice gripping calm like it was a piece of driftwood in a storm. “I’ve been having an affair.”

Matt didn’t move but I could see dark blue veins in his neck, the ones that only made an appearance the rare times he was enraged. Then, as if overcome with a sudden spasm, he slammed his hand hard against the dashboard. It must have hurt, but either he didn’t notice or he didn’t care. “Fuck, Julia, why are you telling me this now?”

“Because Lily found out. I couldn’t let her be burdened with my secret.”

“What the fuck? You dragged Lily into this?”

“No. Elena told her.”

“Elena? Who the hell is Elena?”

“One of the grad students I work with. The one from Russia.”

The truth suddenly hit him like a swift kick in the balls. “You’re having an affair with that asshole Ashland Stewart?”

“Yes,” I said, trying not to let my voice shake.

“How long has this been going on?”

“Seven months.”

“Seven months? Seven fucking months,” he muttered to himself as if he had been told that was how long he had left to live.

“I’m going to move out,” I said softly. “Then we can figure out what to do.”

“You’re moving in with him?”

“No… I don’t know. Van offered her guest room. I haven’t figured anything out yet.”

He fell into a grim silence, one of his hands pumping, open and closed, open and closed, as if my confession was a poison he was trying to dispel from his body.

“I know this hurts. I’m sorry.”

“You remember Angela in marketing?” he asked, his voice cold and shallow.

“I don’t know,” I said quietly.

“You met her at the holiday party. Short, nice tits. You thought she was coming on to all the guys.”

“I remember.” I knew where this was heading. I knew he needed to hurt me as much as I had hurt him.

“She came to one of our meetings in Tulsa. She wanted me. We fucked every night we were there. She’s amazing in bed.”

Tulsa.
Was she the one I heard over the phone? “Have you slept with her since then?” I asked.

“No.” He spat out the word. “She wanted to, but I felt guilty. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

I started to cry. “Matt, I’m sorry.”

“I’m not,” he replied.

We didn’t speak again until I pulled the car into the garage. I shut off the engine but neither of us made a move to get out. “I’m going to tell Lily tonight that I told you,” I finally said. “I’ll tell the other girls tomorrow.”

“What are you going to say?”

“That I’m moving out for awhile while we figure out what to do.”

“All right,” he said finally.

When we got inside, Matt disappeared into his home office while I went upstairs. Lily must have had her music turned up loud and her earbuds in because I had to knock several times before she finally shouted, “What?”

“I need to talk to you.”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” she yelled back.

“I know you don’t, but I need to tell you what’s going to happen.”

I stood there for a while until she finally cracked her door and her face, streaked with tears, appeared. “What?” she demanded.

“Can I come in?”

“No.”

I lowered my voice so the other girls wouldn’t hear from their rooms. “I’m sorry you got put in the middle of this, but it has nothing to do with you. It’s about your dad and me. I’ve told him. While we figure things out, I’m going to stay somewhere else.”

“Fine,” she said, and slammed the door in my face.

~*~

I texted Ashland to let him know I was all right. I wanted to go to him, to let him hold me and take care of me, but I knew that would cause more pain for my family. Instead, I slept fitfully in our guest room. Every fear I had about my affair being revealed I was now living. Did I regret it? The truth was, at that moment, if I could have taken an eraser and scrubbed Magoa and Ashland from my life, I would have done it.

When I got up the next morning, Matt was already dressed and ready to leave for the office. “Do you want some coffee?” I asked.

“I’ll get it downtown,” he said without looking at me. As I went upstairs to get dressed, I heard the door shut behind him.

Lily also gave me the cold shoulder when she left for school early. She hurried down the stairs and out the door before I could even see her. Anna and Mackenzie, on the other hand, seemed oblivious to any change in our household. They ate breakfast and scrambled to get ready, just like always.

A staff meeting was scheduled for ten o’clock. I considered skipping it, but I had to do something other than sit around the house all day. After seeing the girls off, I took a shower, dressed, and headed out the door.

Our team looked energized as they gathered around the conference table, laughing and talking among themselves. Magoa was out in the open and it had become a mainstream media sensation. Marilyn was sick of fielding calls for interviews with Ashland, but everyone else was delighted by the attention. I was actually glad to see Elena sitting silently at the far end of the table opposite Ashland’s chair. When I walked in, she barely glanced at me before turning back to her conversation with Daniel. He seemed to enjoy her continued attention. I sat at the middle of the table, as far away from the other two parties in this drama as possible.

Ashland strolled in late with Nina by his side. He looked around the room briefly, acknowledging no one in particular. He had informed everyone via email about the breakthrough with the North Koreans and was all business as he shared the details of the excavation that would resume in two months. When he finished, Arturo piped up, “What about Nina? You didn’t say she was going.”

“I’m not,” Nina replied. “They’ve decided I’m a security risk.”

“So, who is going?” Elena said, her voice sharp and bitter.

“I don’t know, Elena,” Ashland answered, looking her straight in the eye. “That’s still to be decided.”

After the meeting broke up, I ignored any danger of further public revelations and immediately approached him. “Can I talk to you?” I asked.

“Absolutely.”

I walked with Ashland to his office. He closed his door behind us and immediately took me in his arms. “I’ve been worried about you,” he said.

“It’s hard, as hard as I imagined.” I started to cry and he held me tighter.

“What do you need from me?”

“I don’t know,” I said, my voice muffled on his firm shoulder. “I can’t see you for a while, not till I’ve given the girls time to adjust.”

“No matter how long it takes,” he said, offering me a gentle kiss, “I’ll be waiting for you.”

~*~

I left work early and strode quickly home so I could talk to Anna and Mackenzie as soon as they arrived from school. I waited in the kitchen, holding onto the counter to keep my hands from shaking. I had opened the window, but the air still felt constricted and heavy.

I heard the front door slam and went to meet Anna. The strong spring breeze had made her hair swim wildly around her face like Medusa’s snakes. “Hi,” I said, trying to sound casual. “Can you come into the living room? I need to talk to you.”

“I guess,” she said, and followed me into the sunny space, dropping her backpack on the floor and plopping down on the sofa.

I sat down next to her. “Your dad and I are having some problems, so I’m going to stay with Van for awhile while we figure them out.”

“Because of your boyfriend?” Anna said matter-of-factly,

I eyed her, surprised. “Did Lily tell you?”

“I read some texts to her boyfriend.”

“When?”

“This morning while she was in the shower.”

“Anna—” I started to censure.

“You’re in no position to criticize me.” I could almost hear the stirrings of anger in her voice.

Anna bit her lower lip, a sure sign since she was a toddler that she was holding in her emotions. “I’m sorry,” I said softly. “I know this hurts you. I never wanted that. I was trying to find out who I was.”

“And…?”

I smiled sadly, reaching out to brush the hair from her face. “I’m a lot more than I imagined, but I’m still your mom.”

“Are you getting a divorce?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I just have to take things one step at a time. The next thing I need to do is tell Mackenzie.”

“That should be interesting.”

~*~

CC and I watched Mackenzie bound off the bus’s bottom step, her face animated. “Tyler Ross wants to marry me,” she announced, patting CC’s head.

“Isn’t he the kid whose arms are always covered in temporary tattoos?”