Going the Distance (24 page)

“You don’t know anything.” Her voice was like ice.

“No? I don’t know how he watched that sappy movie so you’d let him finger you that first night? Why wouldn’t you let me touch you, Olivia? I don’t care if you banged your friend in Thailand. I’m not fussy.”

“You’re disgusting. Keep the photos.” The words were cold, but her voice broke halfway through.

“Come on, just tell me what it was like swallowing his cock in the shower in Beijing.”

“Fuck you, Dale.”

“And how many fingers you let him shove up your ass.”

Her breath caught on a sob and there was a thud as she threw the photos down and stormed from the trailer. She noticed Jarek at the last second, looking at him through watery blue eyes, her face composed apart from the tears.

“Olivia.” He didn’t know what the fuck else to say.

She strode through the site, out to the street, putting on sunglasses to hide her eyes. He followed her and she let him, didn’t push him away when he walked right beside her, tugged her arm to move her out of the way of a careening bicycle. She didn’t even fight when he wiped the tears dripping off her chin with the hem of his T-shirt, and that’s when he knew it was worse than he thought.

The woman he knew made him work for every inch. Forced him to sit through a thousand awful movies, open himself up, spend fourteen hours on a train. That was the woman he’d
worked
for. The woman
letting
him made him nervous. This woman was someone else entirely, and he had no idea what she would do.

She let him into the building, and he followed her up four flights of stairs. She let him come into her apartment, then kiss her, then take off all her clothes and lay her on the bed while he stripped, too. He didn’t know what she was doing, didn’t even know what he was doing, just that he couldn’t seem to stop. She barely moved beneath him, returning his kiss with a detached passion, parting her legs at his urging, but not wrapping them around his hips. He stroked her all over, fondling the breasts he’d told Dale about in great detail three nights ago when they’d gone out and gotten drunk because he didn’t know what to do with himself. The night he’d told Dale everything, the one thing he’d promised Olivia he’d never do.

He teased her nipples until they were tight and her heart drummed against her ribs so hard he could feel it. All the while he buried a hand between her legs, pushing two and then three fingers inside, manipulating her the way he’d finally—finally—learned she liked, feeling her grow wetter and wetter. He rolled on a condom and fucked her, kissing her neck and the spot beneath her ear that usually made her moan, but today she bit her lip and stayed silent.

He moved gently inside her, then harder, and still nothing. He pulled out and slid down her body, pressing her legs open and covering the swollen pink flesh with his mouth, licking up everything and pushing his tongue inside. She failed to hide a moan behind her hand, so he kept going, inserting two fingers into her pussy, stroking the rough spot on her inner wall, feeling her clamp down unwillingly. He knew her now, and she knew him, like it or not. He would make her come no matter how long it took and she knew this too, which was maybe why she let it happen. He sucked her clit against his teeth and she came, bearing down on him, though the hands that usually fisted painfully tight in his hair were resting on the pillow beside her head. The foot that was normally pressed between his shoulder blades was planted firmly on the mattress. He was touching her, but she was not touching him.

Well, fuck that. When the contractions eased he rose over her and slammed his cock inside, too deep and too hard, making her wince. But she didn’t cry out. She turned her head to the side and stared at the wall as he fucked her until he came, and she never made a sound.

He remembered her telling him once about the awful words they’d spray painted on her car, how she’d paid twice to have it repainted. And how she’d decided to leave it after the third time, because she couldn’t keep affording to make the same mistakes. She’d never fought back, because Olivia didn’t fight fire with fire. She doused it with icy water, then stood, staring pensively at the smoldering ashes as though trying to decide if she should sweep them up or let them blow away in the wind.

Jarek didn’t know what he wanted her to do. He knew only that she had bested him at his own game, and she hadn’t even been playing.

“Get out,” she said.

“O
KAY
, G
UYS
, A
RE
Y
OU
R
EADY
?”

“READY!” the class whisper-screamed, the lowest volume setting they knew.

“You’re going to be great. We’ve been practicing for a long time, and I know you can do this.”

Their collective attention was promptly seized by Alan shuffling out from the tiny changing area. Instead of the expected Spiderman suit he now wore red tights, a red T-shirt, and a red cape. And red socks with a web pattern, the only sign of his former role. The little girl who had originally been cast as Red was sick with the flu, and they’d had only one hour’s notice to replace her. Because Alan both secretly loved performing and had choreographed most of the dancing, he was the best choice for her replacement.

“Shh,” Olivia warned the kids before they could laugh, pressing a finger to her lips. Then, “Thank you for your help, Alan.”

“You’re welcome,” he responded automatically. She squeezed his hand and instead of folding his arms and rejecting her, he actually squeezed back. Her eyes stung and she blinked rapidly, telling herself not to be ridiculous. There were five days left in the school year; seven days until she left China for good. That’s why she was emotional.

It had been fifteen days since the breakup. She hadn’t seen or heard from Jarek. She hadn’t visited the site or tried to call. And she wouldn’t. They were over. After Dale’s taunts she’d wanted nothing so much as to return to Jarek’s apartment, find the biggest knife he had, and stab him through the heart. Instead she’d stormed out of the trailer and found him listening—
listening!—
right outside, like the coward he was. And then she’d gone numb. All the heat that had suffused her at Dale’s words, the betrayal that burned in her blood, it had frozen solid. She couldn’t feel a thing. So she let him follow her home and kiss her and fuck her, and afterward as he lay on top of her, their hearts pounding in sync, she reached the conclusion that had been too long in coming: if this was all he had to offer, she would rather be alone.

Part of her was furious with her parents for having a hand in Chris’s “surprise,” but deep down she knew they were just trying to make up for the past year. They thought she had no friends, so they sent her one. They sent her the best man they knew.

The moment she turned and saw Chris, her heart had stopped. For so long his had been the only face she’d wanted to see, the smile that warmed her, the anchor that kept her tethered to everything she knew and loved. But he wasn’t that man anymore, and even though he apologized and took responsibility for everything that had happened, it didn’t make a difference. Some small piece of her had always wondered if they could ever try again. They’d been so perfect once, surely one rough year over the span of a lifetime wasn’t such a bad record? Then he’d taken her hand and asked for a second chance, and she’d said no. And she’d meant it.

He’d accepted the rejection with the same grace he applied to everything else, and then because he’d booked the hut next to hers for the rest of the week, they spent the trip together. What was she supposed to do, hide every time he came looking for her? She had already fled to the other side of the world, she wouldn’t keep running.

So they’d toured the island, watched movies in the outdoor dining room, gone snorkeling and hiking and lain on the beach, and celebrated her birthday with banana pancakes and coconut ice cream. When the week was over they’d taken the twelve-hour bus back to Bangkok and said good-bye at the airport. She’d spent the entire flight back to Shanghai debating what, if anything, to tell Jarek, and in the end she decided to say nothing. His overreaction to her day trip with Marcus supported her choice, and Chris’s surprise had nothing to do with him, anyway. Nothing had happened, and she didn’t want to fight with him when they had so little time left together. Plus, if he didn’t ask, it wasn’t really lying, was it? And how could he know?

“O-liv-ya?”

She glanced down at Davy, dressed in his butterfly costume, glitter smeared across his smooth cheeks. “Yes, buddy?”

“I want to go to the bathroom.”

“I want to go to the bathroom!” someone else piped up.

“I want to go—”

“Okay, okay!” she hissed. “The bathroom is down the hall. Two people can go at the same time. Davy, you are first. Sam, you can go, too.” It was always this way; when one had to go, they all had to go, even when they didn’t.

She checked her watch and blew out a nervous breath. It was eleven-oh-five; according to the program, they were scheduled to go on at ten after. They’d been seated in their assigned row until seven minutes ago when they’d filed backstage to make their final preparations. So far the other class performances had been a mixture of Chinese and English, songs and dances and things she hadn’t understood but the parents had been delighted by. And there were a lot of people in the audience; over two hundred, she’d estimated.

“Olivia, you have three minutes!” Honor announced, hurrying in from the stage with her class. Her kids were beaming, thrilled at having had their moment in the spotlight, and Olivia warned her class to behave then ran onto the stage while the curtain was drawn to drag props into place.

She yanked the trees into position, rolled out the carefully painted roll of paper that denoted a winding river, and the garishly colored cardboard front of grandma’s house. Before she’d left for Thailand, she still hadn’t finished the final act of the play, the scene where Little Red Riding Hood (and several Spidermans and butterflies and other forest creatures) arrived at the cabin and found the not scary wolf who had not eaten grandma. It wasn’t until she thought about Jarek in the aftermath of their breakup that she knew how it should end.

On the opposite side of the curtain she heard Zhang Laoshi introducing the performance, and scurried back to collect the kids and order them into position. Then the heavy curtains drew back and Rose pressed play and the show started.

Olivia stood at the edge of the stage, very nearly out of sight, to troubleshoot. But the kids knew their roles, and soon Alan—Red—was talking to “her” mother (and father, and brother, and sister, and pet monkey) about visiting grandma with a variety of gifts.

“Does the grandmother like cake?” the mother asked.

“Yes, the grandmother likes cake!” Red answered.

“Does the grandmother like shampoo?”

“Yes, the grandmother likes shampoo!”

And so it went until Red and her brother, sister, and pet monkey were ready to leave on their trip, trailed by live action cake, shampoo, two flowers, a carton of milk, and an ice cream cone. They skipped through the wooden forest while singing a song about trees and meeting three butterflies, three birds, and three Spidermans, who came in handy when it came time to cross the river that naturally did not have a bridge.

Olivia covered her mouth and smiled as the Spidermans spun a “web” across the water for the group to traverse. The audience tittered and applauded as appropriate, and the entire senseless thing suddenly made perfect sense. When they first encountered the Big Bad Wolf, Olivia risked a look at Zhang Laoshi in the front row; her perpetual smile wavered as she took in the angry snout and pointy ears and clawed hands worn by one of the boys in the class.

“Hello,” the wolf said. “I am Wolf. Nice to meet you.”

“Hello, I am Red,” said Red. “Nice to meet you too.”

They shook hands and Red introduced her gaggle of friends, and said she was en route to meet grandma at her orange house with a yellow door, the only paint colors they’d had enough of when it had come time to paint the cardboard. The wolf distracted Red and her friends, then darted into the forest, knocking over two trees and making five kids cry. Olivia hustled out to calm them and straighten the trees as the parents laughed.

“Very good!” she assured them. “Keep going! You’re almost at grandma’s house!”

The kids wove back and forth across the stage on an imaginary winding pathway through the forest, until they arrived at the house.

“Who is it?” called the wolf from behind the door.

“I am Red!” Alan cried. “May I come in?”

“Come in, please!”

The wolf pushed open the door and the whole crew fought to get inside, then Olivia rushed out to take the cardboard away and reveal the “interior” of the house, which consisted of two small chairs positioned facing each other, and a table. The wolf sat on one chair with his feet on the other, a blanket covering his lap. He now wore a sleeping cap to pretend to be grandma.

“Who are you?” Red demanded.

“I am grandmother!” the wolf replied.

“Hello, grandmother! I love you.” At this point Red was supposed to kiss grandma, but Alan just shot Olivia a distasteful look and shook his head no.

She shrugged and waved for them to continue. One by one Red introduced all of the friends and items she had come with, the appropriate items then sat on or stood near the table, and the rest prepared to leave. Until grandma/the wolf jumped up to block them.

“I want to eat you!” he roared.

The kids screamed.

Zhang Laoshi covered her mouth and looked around in alarm.

“Stop!” Red commanded.

The wolf froze.

“You do not have big ears!” Red accused.

Slowly the wolf pulled off the big ears.

“You do not have big hands!” Davy the butterfly pointed out, twirling in a circle.

The wolf pulled off the big hands.

“You do not have a big nose!” the pet monkey exclaimed, jumping.

The wolf pulled off the big nose, so all that remained was a boy in a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt with a dump truck on the front.

“You are not a wolf!” the kids shouted. “You are a boy!”

The wolf/boy hung his head in shame. “Yes,” he admitted. “I am a boy.”

Just then, grandma, played by Rose, strolled in, explained that she had been at the store, but was happy to see Red and her friends. Rose darted off stage to press play on the CD player, then hurried back to perform the final dance number, as arranged by Alan. Out in the audience Zhang Laoshi was still covering her mouth, but now she looked perplexed instead of alarmed, as did most of the parents. The other students were laughing hysterically. But her class didn’t give a damn. They danced their hearts out, sang gibberish at the top of their lungs, and Olivia sang along and clapped her hands, long before the applause started.

“Okay. I guess…that’s it.” Olivia had enjoyed a lot of alone time these past weeks, and had taken to talking to herself on occasion. She dumped the final pile of debris from the dustpan into the trash and wiped her hands on her jeans, then checked her watch for the thousandth time. Her flight to Boston left at five o’clock in the evening, and she had to catch the train at noon. It was eleven ten. Still a little early to head to the station, but there was nothing else to do. She had given away the few household items she owned, shipped a box of souvenirs for Willa to hold for her, and the apartment was now as clean and bare as the day she’d arrived.

It felt like a lifetime ago. Lazhou had been cold and dark and mysterious, and somehow it had come to feel like home. Or some semblance of home, where not everyone was a friend and not everything was perfect, a lesson she had been a little late in learning. She’d made mistakes, no doubt. Everyone did. She’d learned from them. Even Dale, with his awful, ruddy face and lewd words had come by to apologize, lingering outside the school gates the day after the graduation performance to plead his case. She’d stared at him, equal parts surprised and pissed, as he told her how Jarek had gotten drunk and spilled his guts, his heartache, their secrets. How he’d asked him to say those things to her and how he’d agreed because he’d wanted to punish her for hurting his friend. How he understood now how stupid and cruel he had been. And then he’d really surprised her by somehow managing to champion Jarek, pointing out that the guy wasn’t used to feeling anything and didn’t know how to process his emotions. By the time he finished, Olivia had accepted his apology and told him he was forgiven, if only to get him to go away. It would take time for the exchange in the trailer to fade, but it would happen. Soon it would be just another dark memory, and like the others, she would learn to let it go.

She went to use the bathroom one more time before leaving, and when she came out she skidded to a halt. She’d left the wooden door open to let the air circulate, and now Jarek stood outside the metal door, backlit by the sun. His expression was hard to determine in the shadows, but his voice was not. “Olivia.”

She kept her voice level. “Hi.”

His head shifted slightly as he looked around at the empty walls, the bare mattress visible in the background. “Can I come in?” he asked.

Her lower lip trembled and she fought to remain composed. She really hadn’t expected to see him again. She’d told him her departure date a long time ago, but didn’t know if he was here because he’d remembered or if it was just an unfortunate coincidence. But instead of telling him to fuck off, she said, “It’s not locked.” She had never tried to keep him out, she realized. For all his effort at warning her away, his certainty that he was the mythical big bad wolf, she’d seen him as the boy dressed up in scowls and glares and intimidation, and never the villain he imagined himself to be. He’d spent so long trying not to be someone else that he failed to see who he was. Who he could be. She wasn’t angry so much as she was disappointed. In him. For him.

Jarek entered and stopped just inside the threshold. Olivia was several feet away, near the wall where she’d stood the night he’d apologized after the bar. A wry smile touched his lips, as though he were picturing the same thing. “So this is it,” he said eventually.

She nodded, not really sure if he was referring to the end of them or her time in China. “I’m on my way to the station.”

“When’s your train?”

“Twelve.”

He pursed his lips. “Right.” He studied her two medium-sized suitcases and backpack, waiting by the door. “You don’t have much to take with you.”