Goodness and Light (6 page)

All this tension—she knew it was her fault. Knew it, but hadn’t the first clue how to stop it. She turned on the tub, tested the water, switched it over to shower. Maybe it was because Kara was older, Elena supposed. She’d
adjusted
. She’d
moved on
. Elena hadn’t, and couldn’t see how she ever would.

No, she decided, shampooing her hair.

No, it was more than that.

Kara’s relationship with Mom had always been easy. Fun. They’d been best friends. Elena had always been the one in the way. Her mother’s eyes had never crinkled at the corners for her but they had for Kara. Kara was a different person. Mellow. Easy-going. Nothing bothered her. Nothing upset her. But Elena? Elena could burst into tears or laughter and back again at a moment’s notice.

You ruin everything, Laney.

Kara’s favorite words. Elena must have heard them a thousand times. The first time she’d heard them, she’d been about eleven or twelve. Mom had taken them to the mall to buy Kara a cell phone. They’d looked and looked and Elena had helpfully compared all the features and picked out the best phone in the bunch. It came in purple—
purple was her favorite
—with a slide-out keyboard so she could text all her friends.

But then Mom had said only Kara was getting a phone that day. It wasn’t fair—just because she wasn’t in high school like Kara didn’t mean she wasn’t
special
too. High school was still years away. And when Kara pointed to the pretty purple phone that should have been hers and even stuck out her tongue behind Mom’s back, Elena had snapped.

In front of about a thousand people, she’d stamped her foot and screamed that it wasn’t fair that Kara
got
everything and
got away
with everything but all Elena ever
got
was yelled at. Mom had hustled them out of the cell phone store, called her bratty, selfish, and spoiled, and they’d left the store empty-handed. Back in the car, Kara cried.
I won’t be able to text Bree and Jade and Cass because of you! You ruin everything, Laney.

She finished her rinse, turned off the water and wrapped herself in a towel.

Kara had never questioned Mom. When Mom had wanted something done, Kara had done it, no questions asked.

Elena had been all about the questions. She’d loved Mom, more than anything—she loved her. But Mom had been so strict about every little thing and sometimes—okay, all the time—Elena had fought for more.

I hate you for this! I hate you so much and wish you’d drop dead!

She squeezed her eyes shut, tried to breathe over the fire in her chest, and put the memories firmly out of her head. When she emerged from the bathroom, dressed for the day, a coat of makeup for protection, she found Lucas in the kitchen frying eggs.

“Where’s Kara?”

“Gone.”

“Gone?” Panic rose in her throat. “What? Where? She’s not supposed to walk—”

“Relax. She didn’t. Someone named Cass showed up. They left about five minutes ago. Something about cookie day.”

“Oh, Christ, she can’t do that.” Elena scrubbed two hands over her face. “Aunt Enza’s cookie days are marathons. She could pull a muscle. She could end up in early labor!” Where was her cell phone? The phone beeped as soon as she picked it up.

She called Kara. “Kara, honey, I’m so sorry.”

“Laney, stop. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have invited you here. I know how you feel about Christmas and New York and Mom and I just needed you because I was stupid and in love and got pregnant and now I’ve blown it! I’m sorry,” Kara cried.

Elena grabbed a paper towel off the rack over Kara’s sink. “No,
I’m
sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I shouldn’t have yelled and I’m sorry.” She wiped her eyes. “You’re not stupid. You trusted somebody and he hurt you.
I’m
the one who ruins everything, remember?”

“Laney, sweetie, please. I
need
you to be part of my baby’s life. Without Mom—oh, Laney, I miss her so much. I want to be the kind of mom she was and Laney, I...” Kara’s voice trailed off for a moment. “I don’t think I can do that alone. Please,
please
tell me you’ll forgive me and stay?”

“Forgive you?” Elena swallowed hard. “No, no, there’s nothing to forgive, Kara. Nothing! I’ll apologize to your friend. Luke’s been nothing but sweet to me and I dumped all my issues on both of you. Please come back.”

She’d do anything—even do Christmas with all the trappings if it would make Kara smile. Anything except the
stay
part.

“Oh, Laney.”

Elena heard static.

“Elena, can you hear me?”

Cassandra had her on speaker.

“Yeah, hi, Cass.”

“Listen. I’m taking Kara out to Long Island so Aunt Enza can spoil her for a day. She needs it and so do you. Walk around the city. Cry. Scream at Ground Zero. Get it out of your system. When I bring her home, I need you to have your head on straight.”

“Okay. I will. I’m sorry, Cass.”

L
ucas watched Elena end the call and toss the phone on the sofa beside her. He’d heard nearly every word the sisters exchanged before Elena hid in the bathroom, and applauded Kara for not putting up with it. But now, he could see the misery on Elena’s face and wasn’t sure what he’d walked into. He considered making up some excuse, making a fast exit.

And then she looked up at him with those big soft eyes.

“Lucas, will you sit down for a minute?”

Well, there went his shot at a fast exit. He regarded her for a moment and nodded, then sat beside her on the sofa, putting his toolbox on the floor beside the table.

“I owe you an apology. I—well, I have a hard time with people.”

“Could try being nice.” The retort danced off his tongue before he could think twice.

Elena flinched. “Like you?”

His face clouded. “I’m not nice.”

She looked at him sideways. “Oh, please. According to the SFG crew, you walk on water.”

He considered telling her his darkest secret—the secret that proved he wasn’t nice at all. Instead, he held up his hands. “Look. I don’t know what Al and Therese and Debbie told you last night. I bought a couple of kids their lattes. Big deal.”

Elena opened her mouth only to shut it before she pissed him off all over again. “Thanks for building the crib. I owe you one for that and I’m about to ask you for another favor. If you don’t mind joining me while I run errands, I’ll make you dinner.”

“Dinner, huh?” He blinked down at her in surprise. “Must be a hell of a big favor.”

She huffed out half a laugh and shrugged. “Depends on your perspective. I—I—” To her total mortification, tears she couldn’t stop dripped from her eyes and her mouth just wouldn’t close. “I don’t want to make my sister cry again. I want to make things right and I don’t know where to go for all the stuff I need and even if I did, I’d be too scared to do it alone.”

Luke rubbed his jaw, studying Elena. Scared, huh? That explained a lot. Actually, it explained everything. She’d left New York soon after her mother’s death and had avoided coming back.

He remembered one day, soon after he’d met Almir, when they were walking downtown and Al had smiled and pointed across the street. A big tough muscle-bound guy had gotten off a Harley-Davidson to help pick up the food that some piss-ant kid on a skateboard had knocked out of an old lady’s grocery bag. “Sometimes, we’re afraid of the wrong things.”

He’d thought about that for a long time and decided Al was right—sometimes grunge has a silver lining and sometimes solid gold is just painted lead. Maybe Elena just needed help knowing where to look.

That, he decided as he stood up and held out a hand to her, he could handle.

T
hey began walking toward Church Street. The air was brisk and the day was bright. Lucas slid on trendy black glasses and his hat, and took her gloved hand in his, guiding her gently over patches of ice and little piles of snow that had gone gray from car exhaust.

“You sure you don’t mind walking?” he asked while they waited to cross a street. “We could take the subway.”

She shook her head. “I hate the subway.” She worried that he’d heard the note of fear in her voice and wasn’t letting go of her hand because of it. Damn, even through her gloves, she felt how cold his hand was. She sandwiched his between both of hers, rubbed briskly, and was rewarded with a quick grin—still devastating despite its brevity.

They turned a corner and she skidded to a halt. Her jaw dropped and she pointed across the street. “That’s not—”

“Hook and Ladder 8? Sure it is.”

She slapped his arm. “Come on! It looks just like—”

“Because it is.”

Her eyes popped and her jaw dropped. “Get out!”

Lucas raised his eyebrows. “So you’re a fan?”

“Are you serious? I’ve seen that movie a hundred times.” She stared at the famous
Ghostbusters
firehouse. “I had no idea it was a real fire station.”

“And you call yourself a New Yorker.” Luke shook his head and took out his phone. “Stand there and smile.” Elena did a game show hand gesture. He snapped a picture and handed her the phone. “Here. Put your number in so I can send you that.”

They walked on. It took no more than twenty minutes to reach the baby shop. Elena examined all the crib sets before picking out one that would be a perfect match to the wall art Kara had in the baby’s room.

“Okay, baby bedding—check. What’s next, boss lady?” he asked with a grin as they walked down the street.

When the Salvation Army volunteer they’d just passed called out a happy
thank you,
Elena halted in the middle of the sidewalk. “Did you just—”

She slid him a look, about to rib him, and remembered Debbie had said Lucas hated people knowing about all his good deeds. “Just what?” he asked, his voice as cold as the temperature.

“Never mind. Come on.” She shook her head. “Let’s forget the groceries. I’ll pick up just what I need for cookies and we’ll order something in.”

He frowned down at her. “You’re in a hurry.”

“I am,” she admitted like she’d just been caught robbing a bank. “I feel sick about making Kara cry. I want to make it up to her before she comes home. I want to buy her a tree and a star for the top, and lights, and everything that goes on trees. I want her and everybody else to stop hating me.”

Lucas abruptly tugged her to a stop and turned to face her. “Nobody hates you.”

I hate you! I wish you’d drop dead!

She put her hands over her ears, but that did nothing to stop the echo of words shouted a long time ago. She wanted to crawl into the sewer because he was wrong—people did hate her. In fact, she hated herself.

You ruin everything, Laney.

“Before, when you said I’m not nice. You’re not wrong,” she admitted. “I was a real brat when I was a kid and this morning’s little incident proves I still am.” She wished her mom were there to tell her it was okay, that she knew Elena didn’t mean what she’d said, that she knew Elena was sorry.

He moved closer, his hands squeezing her shoulders. “I’m willing to amend that assessment.”

“Seriously?” She stepped closer, put a hand on his chest. “You’d do that?” When he nodded, she clapped and flung her arms around him. “Oh, thank you, Luke!”

Lucas Adair may very well be too good to be true, but he made something deep inside her believe in magic.