GRINGA (100 page)

             
‘I remember.’ Of course he would remember – he’s been eavesdropping in our conversations for over a year. ‘How ’bout you?’

             
‘I want kids. Not like,
now
, but I do want them. But I’m not sure …’

             
He nods. ‘Ok. Ok. Ok. Lemmee ask you: how do you think Diablo would feel if he knew you were expecting his baby?’

             
Diago.

             
The question makes me think. How would he react? I smile when I remember him playing with Taco-Bell. He allowed her to sleep inside his jacket pocket. If she was asleep against him he wouldn’t move for hours because he didn’t want to disturb her.

             
‘He would … he would be shocked … concerned but h … happy, Depp. He w …would have s … smiled and asked me to choose names and I w ... would have ...

             
Depp shoves Kleenex into my hands.

             
I dab my eye and slowly sink back in bed. ‘He’s gone b …but a part of him lives on inside of me, Depp. He …should be h … here. I want him back.’

             
As my sorrow deepens, I turn and face the wall. I lie like this for hours and just weep. The sluice gates have now collapsed. 

             
Depp sits at the edge of the bed and listens to my loud and unabashed despair. 

             
I spend the rest of the day in bed facing the wall. Persistent nausea prevents me from eating or drinking, so I’m pretty weak.

48 hours has passed and my nausea has subsided. Depp brings me toast with honey. I manage to eat a whole slice and I feel so much better.

             
‘While you were sleeping, I went over to your apartment and got some of your things,’ he says.
             
‘You did?’

             
‘Yep.’

             
‘Thanks.’

             
‘You need your family, Payton. I’ll contact …’

             
‘No!’

             
‘You need…’

             
‘Stop it Depp. I don’t want to see them. Especially not now.’

             
‘Okay. What about
Troy
?’

             
I think about
Troy
. He will be so happy. ‘In time.’

             
‘Why “In time”?’

             
‘Cos every time I see
Troy
, I see … I … see Diago and I miss him so much, Depp.’ I wrap my arms around my body and hug myself. ‘G ... go away, Depp. I need to b ... be alone.’

             
He reaches up and gives me a hug. I should be wary of such familiarity but I’m not. I hold him and weep. For a while, he lets me sob then he eases himself bedsides me. I clutch onto him and weep, my tears soaking his shirt but he doesn’t seem to mind.   

             
Strangely, I’m comfortable with him, even though my face is red and swollen and I’m a total mess inside and outside.

Depp hands me a plate of pasta. ‘I made it myself,’ he boasts.

             
‘Thanks.’ It looks suspicious. The pasta looks raw and whatever is in it is …

             
‘Protein. Lots of it there.’

             
I nod. ‘Okay.’ Must have killed the protein himself.

             
‘Good for you and the baby. Eat it. All of it. I’m taking no nonsense …’

             
I manage a small smile and put a tiny forkful into my mouth. He hasn’t left my side since we discovered the pregnancy. ‘Hey, Depp, what about your family? Don’t you have a wife and ...?’ 

  
             
‘Payton ...’ He shifts in his chair and averts his eyes.

             
‘What?’ I put down my fork and look at him with hooded eyes. ‘You’re divorced? No wait, I know - you have an
arrangement
? No, no, no - she doesn’t
understand
you. You married young.  You’re …you’re taking some time apart from each ...? ’

             
‘Shut up.’

             
‘What?’

             
‘I said, “Shut up”.’

             
I shut up and force myself to swallow more road kill. I mean protein.

             
‘Never been married, no children.’

             
‘Bullshit! You said ...’ I peer at him. ‘Never? You said ...?’ 

   
             
He nods several times. ‘
You
said that, Payton. I just didn’t correct you.’ 

             
I stare at him. Could he be telling the truth? ‘
Never
been married?’

             
‘Not once.’

             
‘So, where’s your family?’

             
‘Mmm, there’s an essay coming on here: Mother’s an alcoholic. Remarried four times. Stepfather … step
fathers
… let’s not go there. I see my mother once every two years. My father … biological father, incarcerated for seven years. Manslaughter. Drove drunk and killed a pre-schooler. I’m an only child. An accident. Or so my mother reminds me all the time.’

             
‘Wow. Girlfriend?’

             
‘Seeing someone now. Tina. Time will tell.’

             
‘Okay.’

             
‘But wait, there more Ms Wagner-Cruz: I’ve resigned from the FBI.’

             
‘What?!’

             
‘Well, they’ve
asked
for my resignation. It’s a polite way of saying, “You’re fired for corruption”. They found out about your file that Grey and I
lost
and …’

             
I listen to him slack-jawed. ‘You serious?’

             
‘Grey too.’

             
‘Grey
too
? Gosh, Depp, I … I don’t know what to say.’ I stare at him till he flinches. ‘Gosh.’

             
‘Yep. I’m a little disappointed. A lot, actually. But I’ll be okay. I’ve got
plans
.’

             
‘You have?’

             
‘Yep. Gonna write FBI thrillers based on all my experiences.’ He looks at me. ‘You’re in it, too.’

             
‘Me?’ I give a nervous chuckle. ‘Oh boy! That should make for light reading.’

             
He smiles. ‘Enough of that. I’m currently enjoying my unemployment.’

             
‘So this apartment …?’

             
‘Mine. I took it so I could be near …’ He looks to the left of me, ‘
Troy
. You know, help him out. Need to furnish it soon, I guess.’

             
I shake my head from side-to-side. ‘You’re not the same guy I knew in
Mexico
. How old
are
you?’ 

             
‘Thirty … one.’

             
‘Thirty one! Fucking ancient.’

             
‘Do you always have to use profanity?’

             
‘Fuck yeah!’

             
He smiles and points to my stomach. ‘Time to stop.’

             
Smiling, I raise my palms in a surrendering motion.

It’s a week since I found out I was pregnant and I’ve been at Depp’s since. He insisted. Bullied me into staying. I sleep in his bed while he sleeps in a sleeping bag in the living room.

             
He’s fetched most of my things from my apartment already.

             
I’m unpacking (My idea of unpacking is to empty the contents of my bag onto the floor of my cupboard.) when Depp hands me two pills and a glass of orange juice.

             
‘Eh, shouldn’t you put the GHB in the drink
before
you give it to me?’

             
He smiles. ‘Iron and folic acid. You’re gonna need it.’

             
‘Really? How do you know that?’

             
‘I googled
pregnancy
. Says you must have iron and folic acid preferably with orange juice. No more coffee for you. Well, maybe a little. Decaff. ’

             
‘Oh, okay.’ I take the pills and water from him. He googled pregnancy. 

             
‘Tea is better.’

             
‘
Long Island
?’

             
‘Herbal!’

             
‘Oh.’

             
‘I’ll get you some soon.’

             
Oh bother. ‘That’ll be …nice.’

             
‘I’ve arranged an ultrasound for you on Thursday as well.’

             
‘You did? Great! What’s an Ultra …?’

             
‘Now, put your feet up and I’ll take over here.’ He removes everything from the closet and starts re-packing my stuff - folding things, hanging stuff, pairing my socks, folding my g-strings. Neatly, to my embarrassment. ‘Thanks, Depp. ‘You’re
really
neat.’

             
‘Yeah, but don’t hold it against me.’

             
I chuckle.

             
‘My military training – taught me to be neat. Knew it will come in handy one day.’