GRINGA (101 page)

Today is my first scan. I’m excited. I dress and take the lift downstairs to meet Depp who is bringing the car around.

             
As I step out of the lift, I run into
Troy
. He looks even more like Diago. Everything he does; the way he tilts his head, his gait, the way his eyebrows hoists themselves – just like Diago.

             
‘
Troy
! How’ve you been?’ Guilt seeps through me and I have trouble meeting his eyes. 

             
‘I heard about the baby, Gringa,’ he says, his voice slightly terse. ‘Depp, he tell me.’

             
‘Oh.’ Big mouth Depp. I nod and we both sit on the steps while we wait for Depp. 

             
‘Why you don’t tell me, Gringa? I am Diago’s brother, his family. His
only
family.’

             
I nod. ‘I’m sorry
Troy
. I should have. I ...’ Suddenly my voice cracks. ‘I … I didn’t want to look at you cos when I look at you T …
Troy
, I see Diago and … and I am trying so hard to be strong, Troy and to … to move on and I’m doing such a lousy job of it,
Troy
.’

             
He hesitates for a second then lunges at me and gives me a hug.

             
‘I’m so sorry
Troy
. I’m so sorry.  I’m scared too. I don’t know how to do this,
Troy
. I’m lost. I really am.’

             
‘Gringa! I help you, Gringa. I got the money. I don’t spend it yet. You take
all
, but you keep Diago’s baby. Or, you give the baby to me and Isabella.’

             
‘Whoa, slow down amigo!’ I say and smile though my tears.

             
Depp arrives and eyes the two of us hugging.

             
I have an idea. ‘Hey,
Troy
, you wanna go with us for the scan? We see the baby in it. Or at least the image of the baby, Depp tells me.’

             
His eyes light up. ‘You
see
the baby?’

             
Depp nods. ‘Yeah and they take the measurement of the baby’s thigh bone and tell you exactly which day the baby will arrive and … stuff.’

             
Troy
’s eyes pop out. ‘Really?’

             
‘Yeah. Get in.’ Depp starts dazzling
Troy
with stuff he read up on pregnancy.

             
‘How do you know all this?’
Troy
asks.

             
I try to keep a straight face.
I googled it.

             
‘I googled it,’ Depp says and a giggle escapes me.

             
When we do see the baby’s heartbeat at the doctors,
Troy
and I choke up. When we see
two
heartbeats, we start bawling - hold each other and unabashedly bawl our eyes out. Two girls.

             
‘You sure are an emotional couple,’ the doctor says to
Troy
and I as he hands us more Kleenex. .

I’m seven months pregnant and I’m starting to resemble a UFO. A big one. The kind that makes you think of Armageddon. 

             
I no longer walk, I waddle. My cravings – perverted. This week I crave vanilla ice-cream with paprika or tomato sauce. Sometimes all three at once. Last week it was molasses on rye. The week before, it was cinnamon doughnuts with pickled figs. Perverted for sure. 

             
Troy
’s purchased a ranch in
Texas
. At his insistence I move in, much to Depp’s disappointment. As the birth date draws closer, the excitement at the ranch is palpable. It’s new life and hope and Diago’s here by proxy.

             
Troy
spends just about all his time renovating the ranch. He’s divided the larger house into two smaller houses. One for me and my kids and the other for him and Isabella. Both houses are separated by an inter-leading door.

             
Depp hangs his unemployed ass around at the ranch and helps
Troy
with the renovations. Most days he crashes in the spare bedroom. We say nothing and pretend it’s normal for a former FBI agent to sleep in the ranch owned by the brother of a drug lord. Tina has disappeared from Depps life it seems.

             
Isabella arrives and pampers me. Since I don’t remember being ever pampered before, I take full advantage of all that comes my way. She’s now my big sister, even though she’s younger than me. I love her for it.

             
I’m pouring orange juice for both the guys when she walks into the kitchen. ‘What are you doing, gringa? You want orange juice, you ask me and I bring it to you.’

             
‘It’s okay, it’s for Depp and
Troy
. They’ve been so hard at work in the nursery for hours. Thought I’d show my appreciation by taking them a drink.’

             
‘Hard at work?’

             
‘Yeah?’

             
Without a word she takes my arm and leads me to the nursery window. She puts her finger on her lips and points to them.

             
I gape at what I see.
Troy
and Depp are on the babies’ wooden rocking horses having a race to see who can rock the fastest.

             
‘I win!’ Depp shouts.

             
‘No! I want a rematch!’
Troy
says. ‘You cheated.’

             
‘I did not. Okay, fine, we rematch.’

             
I look at Isabella with my jaw hanging.

             
She gives me a now-do-you-still-think-they-need-orange-juice? look.

             
They rock or race or whatever you call it again, and this time,
Troy
shouts out, ‘I win!’

             
‘No!’ Depp says. ‘You cheated. I
demand
a rematch.

             
‘I can’t,’
Troy
says, examining his rocking horse. ‘The springs have broken.’

             
‘Watch this,’ Isabella says and drags me in. ‘Hola guys!’

             
Depp darts for his hammer and frantically looks around for a nail, while
Troy
gives the broken wooden rocking horse his undivided attention, like he was examining a Lear jet’s engine or something.

             
‘What you guys doing?’ I ask.

             
‘We fixing the rocking horse,’
Troy
says. ‘It’s broken.’

             
‘Yeah,’ Depp says, shaking his head in disgust. ‘Inferior quality. Best if I replace both of these with sturdier ones.’

             
‘
Si
,’
Troy
says. ‘Must be able to handle weight.
Children’s
weight.’

             
Isabella and I roll our eyes. 

             
‘You guys work too hard,’ I say. ‘Why don’t you take a break?’

             
‘Nope. Have to finish up here,’ Depp says.

             
I smile. Depp looks at me smiling at him and his face turns red and I know that he knows that I know.

             
Isabella reaches up and twists
Troy
’s ears and we all laugh.

I think about Diago every day. I miss him. Whenever I feel really sad, I look at my babies’ ultrasound photos. However, these days, my tears are less frequent. Instead I talk to him – ‘Whoa! Did you see that kick?’

             
‘What do you think of the names Oprah and Gayle for our girls?’

             
‘Check the size of my knockers. Bet you wish you were here now, huh?’

             
Being pregnant helps with the hurt and aching. It’s hope in my bleak and desolate life and I shudder to think of what would have become of me had I not been pregnant. 

             
I while away my time eating for six and arguing with Depp.

             
‘Call them,’ he urges.

             
‘Depp stop!’

             
‘A stroke is serious shit, Payton.’

             
‘He’s got Elaine and Paris. Why does he need me?’ Bitterness oozes out of me even though I try to sound nonchalant.

             
‘Payton, d’ya think they’re going to care for your father like you would? He’s your
dad
.’

             
Troubled at the thought of my father in need, even though I don’t want to be; I clam up and pace.

             
Depp looks at me in silence. ‘Why …?’

             
‘Depp, mind your own business, okay? He always chose Elaine and her daughter over me.
They
had his love, let
them
care for him now.’

             
‘Payton, he might die.’

             
‘
I
died in
Mexico
, Depp.
Because
of him. Did he support me? Did he care? No!’ I stop to wipe away tears.

             
Depp puts his arms around me. ‘Take it easy, okay? Don’t want your blood pressure spiralling.’

             
I sniff hard. ‘They’ve got tons of money, they ...’

             
‘They don’t.
Austin
declared bankruptcy, remember? When he got the reward, the administrators were waiting with arms wide-open and they nabbed the money, the yacht, everything.
Paris
has nothing. She’s living on welfare now.’