Growing and Kissing (27 page)

Shit.
Now I really did feel shivery. I grabbed one of the blankets Sean used for sleeping and threw it over me, despite the heat. It smelled faintly of him, and that made me feel better. “Where? When? What’s he like?”

Sean’s voice was a low rumble. “His jazz club. Tonight. And he’s a big, fat, bald, black fucker.”

“I meant—is he dangerous?”

“I know what you meant.” He came over to me and knelt down in front of me, then brushed his hand through my hair, pushing it back from my face. When he spoke again, his voice was heavy with regret. “Yeah, Louise, he’s a nasty son of a bitch. But no one else around here can move this amount of dope.”

“Does he know I’m a woman?”

“No. He doesn’t know anything about you,” he said bitterly. He’d been hoping, just as I had, that I’d be able to remain out of sight. He’d wanted to keep me insulated from all this. But now....

Now I was going to have to get closer than ever to that dark, criminal world. Or the whole plan would fail. But I was so scared...

I took a deep breath.
For Kayley.

I leaned forward and put a reassuring hand on his arm. “You’ll be with me, right?”

He gripped my shoulders with his huge hands. “
Fuck
yes.”

I nodded. “Then I’ll be okay.” I looked into his eyes, then down at myself, at the mattress. I wanted to know where we stood, what his answer was. The phone call had interrupted us just at the crucial moment.

He gathered me into his arms, the drape sliding out from between our bodies, and cuddled me naked against him to show me that everything was alright, and I gradually relaxed. We were together and, as long as that was true, I felt like I could handle anything else. “I have to get home,” I said. “I raced out this morning—I haven’t seen Kayley all day.”

I felt his nod against my shoulder. Then he drew back, took my cheeks between his hands and kissed me, sending a soothing glow through my whole body. “Go,” he said tenderly. “For tonight, put on something dressy. I’ll pick you up at nine.”

Louise

At home, I fixed some food for Kayley, badgered her to do some schoolwork and talked to her about boys while throwing a load of laundry in the washer. I tried to make everything seem as normal as possible...but I was worried about her. There was only a month to go of the six Dr. Huxler had given her. Each day, her eyes seemed a little less bright.
Just hang on,
I kept willing her.
One more month.

Meanwhile, I was reeling from what had happened with Sean. It wasn’t that I regretted it: I knew being around him was dangerous, but it felt like everything had changed, now: it was him and me against the world, instead of him off on his own, not letting anyone near him. Whatever the dangers were, we’d face them together. The thing that had me reeling was suddenly being in a relationship. After years single, I was suddenly
with
someone...and I couldn’t tell a damn person about it.

Add in being terrified about meeting a freaking drug lord that night and it’s fair to say I was a mess. I also realized I had no idea what the hell you were supposed to wear to a jazz club and I was pretty sure I didn’t have anything suitable anyway. In desperation, I called Stacey.

Being Stacey, she was at my apartment with three different dresses and two pairs of shoes in less than half an hour. I eventually settled on the third dress, a red one that managed to be classy and sexy without showing too much skin. At first, I rejected the heels—I
never
wore serious heels. But once I tried them, I found the extra height gave me a little more confidence. And I was going to need every bit of confidence I could get.

“You go have fun,” Stacey told me.

I gaped at her as I realized what she must be thinking. “It’s not a
date!”
I spluttered. God, she thought I was leaving my sick sister to go off and meet some guy! “It’s a business thing!”

She frowned. “Louise, I’ve said this before:
you work at a garden store.”

I opened and closed my mouth a few times.

She sighed and lowered her voice, making sure Kayley couldn’t hear from her bedroom. “It’s
okay
to have fun.”

“It’s not a....” I trailed off. It wasn’t a date...but I
had
finally started something with Sean. She was more right than wrong. And that made me feel utterly ashamed. How
dare
I have fun? The only thing in my life should be Kayley, especially when she was sick.

Stacey must have seen my expression because she shook her head. “Stop trying to be super-mom for
one second
and think of yourself. I’m
glad
you’ve met someone,” Stacey said. “Seriously. I hope it goes well.”

I sighed...and nodded. Maybe she was right, even if she had no idea who it was I was getting involved with. Maybe it
was
okay to have some fun. “Okay,” I said at last. “Thank you.” Then I saw how she was looking at me. “What?”

“Nothing.”

“
What?”
She had a look in her eyes you never want to see from your best friend: pity. I replayed the conversation. “What did you mean,
I hope it goes well?
”

She went quiet and it took another few seconds of studying her guilty face before I got it.

“You mean in case she dies,” I said hollowly. “You mean you hope it works out because, if Kayley dies, you don’t want me to be alone.”

“No!” Stacey said frantically. “Not like that!” But after a second, she sighed and hung her head.

“Jesus,” I said to myself. I wanted to tell her that it wasn’t like that. That however much I wanted Sean, however much I liked him, the idea of him being someone Kayley and I could share my life with—I wasn’t even going to allow myself to
think
about a life without Kayley—that was just....

That was crazy, right? He was a criminal. And he kept shutting me out. And yes, we’d overcome those things, for now, but to think it could last, that we could make something long term?

Crazy.

And yet I wanted it to be true. The feel of his chest against my back, the way he’d kissed me just before I’d left the grow house...it had been the first time I hadn’t felt alone in years.

“You’re a good friend,” I said at last, and gave her a squeeze. “I don’t tell you that enough.”

She squeezed me back, relieved that I wasn’t mad at her. “Just be careful,” she told me, her voice muffled by the hug. “I hope he’s a nice guy.”

I closed my eyes and just held her tight for a second. Then I faked my best smile and said I’d better finish getting ready, because my date would be here soon.

Louise

I didn’t want Stacey to see Sean, so I slipped out of the apartment and met him in the hallway. Thank God Kayley had dozed off in her room, so I didn’t have to explain to
her
where I was going.

Sean took a long look at me, taking in the borrowed dress and the heels. Unbidden, I felt my whole body react under that ferocious gaze, icy cold and yet burning hot at the same time.

“You look amazing,” he said. It wasn’t like any compliment I’d been paid before. It was so simple and heartfelt—it made me
feel
amazing.

Outside our building, a full-on summer storm had started complete with charcoal sky and hard, beating drops that hurt your skin. It would be gone again within a half hour but, for now, it would soak us to the skin as soon as we stepped outside. Sean put a hand on my arm—
stay put—
and then stalked out into the middle of the street, ignoring the rain entirely, and put a hand out to stop a passing cab. Then he stalked back to me, whipped off his leather jacket and held it like a tent above my head. We jog-walked to the cab and everything except my legs stayed dry.

Inside, we both sat there brooding. I stared out of the window at the hammering rain: after weeks of dry weather, every parched blade of grass and struggling weed was straining towards the sky, desperate to receive
something.

The cab swept into downtown, passing bars and fancy restaurants, and my fear started to build. We pulled up outside a big, slate-gray place that stood on a corner, with a neon saxophone outside. There was a line outside, people standing under umbrellas and slowly shuffling towards the door. Two doormen were checking IDs. It could have been any club—there was nothing to suggest it was owned by a...I didn’t even know what to call Malone.
Drug dealer
didn’t cut it.
Supplier? Kingpin?

It brought it home to me that there was a whole other Los Angeles, a whole other
world,
lurking beneath the one I knew, a world I’d spent my entire life staying away from. “I’m scared,” I said aloud.

Sean had been studying the doormen. He turned to me, but I was too busy eying the club. “Look at me,” he said, his accent cleaving the air. When I focused on him, he said, slowly and deliberately, “I won’t let anything happen to you. Okay?”

I took a deep, panicky breath. “Promise?”

His voice softened a little. “Promise.”

We ran across the street and under the shelter of the club’s awning. I went towards the end of the line but Sean shook his head and led me straight towards the doormen. Both of them squared up when they recognized him, blocking the doorway.

“Easy,” rumbled Sean. “I’m just here for a meeting.”

The doormen muttered into their earpieces, glaring suspiciously at Sean. I barely warranted a glance. Eventually, they heard back from whoever was on the other end of the radio and nodded us through. Another big guy in a suit directed us through a metal detector, and then gave Sean a quick pat-down and checked my purse, just to be sure. We didn’t have any weapons to give up, but it still felt as if we were being made safe, in the way a creature might be de-fanged and de-clawed before being served to the king on a platter. With every step we took into the club, the outside world seemed to recede.

The main room was a huge, dark cavern with tiny, closed-packed tables and a small stage. Most of the lights were aimed at the stage, with only flickering candles lighting the tables. Every seat was full and there was barely any room to stand. Even so, the crowd parted like water when the security guards marched us through. We stopped in one corner and were told to wait behind a red velvet rope while a guard went on ahead up some stairs—presumably to announce us.

The fear had been building steadily ever since we’d pulled up outside. It wasn’t just knowing that we were right in the heart of a criminal’s lair, it was knowing I had to convince him that we were serious. This world was Sean’s second home but I felt like what I was: a pretender. And as soon as we got in there, Malone was going to figure it out. “I can’t do this,” I muttered to Sean.

“You can.”

“I’m not a criminal!” I hissed. I knew it was a stupid thing to say, considering the DEA would quite happily put us in Federal prison for what we’d been doing. “He’ll
know,”
I told him. “He’ll know that I’m just...nobody.”