Growing Up Brady: I Was a Teenage Greg, Special Collector's Edition (41 page)

With this, Alice confidently reaches to pluck off the ink spot.

But it doesn't pluck off ... the pocket rips ... revealing a fountain
pen in the pocket with the top off.

ALICE

(sheepishly)

Like you said-there's an ink spot on the pocket.

Carol and Jan laugh, as we-

FADE OUT.

THE END

Problem I

As was contended three weeks ago, the difficulty in creating a
"gag ink spot" to resemble even remotely a stain is insurmountable. In the teaser, the onlookers are required to believe that the
stain is real. Now while the metal gag 'ink spills' may be placed
upon a flat non-porous surface such as a floor or a table-top, their
lacquered finish shining like a wet puddle, and be remarkably
realistic, the same item placed upon a piece of moving, pliant,
porous cloth creates no illusion whatsoever. Anything wet would
have soaked into the material and dried.

Well, props couldn't find that kind of "ink spill" anyway, as the
magic stores they scouted don't carry them anymore, so they created a plastic pliable gob, that flattened, has the look of a smear
of dulled roofing tar about an eighth of an inch thick. It is not
smooth on top and is to be applied with double-faced tape.

Assumption: Even viewed from a distance of twenty feet, it
resembles exactly what you might expect it to resemble: a plastic
gob applied with double-faced tape. Now, if our Soubrette views
this from 18 inches, and our Leading Lady from a few feet and
believe it to be real as they are required by the script to do, all
credibility is lost or they become cartoon nincompoops-either
result undesireable.

Problem 2

In the Tag, they spy what we finally learn to be a real stain at very
close range (it's on a garment hanging on her arm) and believe it is a
gob of plastic roofing tar applied with double-faced tape. They
believe it to such a degree that Alice plucks at it with such aggressive and purposed confidence, that she rips a tear in the garment!
But, that's not all. What does she discover hidden in the recesses of
that same pocket strangely unobserved before, but a concealed
fountain pen-with the top off! Does it make you wonder?

a. Couldn't she tell the difference between a gob of roofing tar
and a dried ink stain when its as close as her hand to her face?

b. Couldn't she see the recognizable outline of a fountain pen
before?

c. Who put a pen in a pocket without the top on in the firstplace?

d If she looks after our children with the same muscular
aggression as it took to rip the pocket, we may at the end of
the season have buried a few children.

Assumption: It is unactable for Carol and Jan. Alice can either
play drunk or an advanced case of glaucoma.

Problem 3

The Tag accomplishes almost none of its requirements. As a
tie-up for the theme, it is pitifully poor using an unfortunate continuance of the Teaser which was weak to begin with.

It most assuredly is not funny. Even a laugh machine would
balk. But, worst of all, it requires the actors to present their characters as one-dimensional ninnies with a loss of credibility and
solidity and creates a tremendous chasm of inconsistancy with
previous shows.

Assumption: If you want solely an audience of children under 8
years old, that's one thing. If you want to interest the young parents, we have to be faintly identifiable and empathically solid as
well as amusing. So that the parent says "Our kids do the same
things, and those parents are just like us-up to their ears in kids
and problems--isn't it great! I like them and I like us!" But, if they
see unreality to such a degree that empathy is lost, then the resultant "Bullshit!" initiates a negative response to the whole show.

The Biggest Problem of All

Whether you give credence to all of the previous assumptions
or not, it is clear that the practical incorporation of the 'ink spot'
business does not work. This was pointed out three weeks prior to
shooting-no one said anything. Today, so similar to so many
other instances, the following pattern occurred once again.

A discussion with Lloyd Schwartz, an eternal defender of the
written word, netted the usual: a justification of why everything
was the way it was.

A discussion with Howard Leeds, who after listening to an
explanation of the problem, said "I don't see the problem."

Other time-worn utterences are:

1. "Well, if we change this, we have to change something
else!"

2. "Well, its a little late, now!"

3. "Play it-you'll see how it will work!"

4. "Some scripts aren't perfect!"

and

5. "We think it's funny!"

but, mostly

6. "1 don't understand the problem!"

Now, invariably this situation develops into a confrontation
which has to be pushed to an almost violent level before any
changes will be offered. By this time, cast and crew alike are
weary and stone-faced. The other actors are affected to varying
degrees, my metabolism takes two days to adjust and we have
lost time and performance. Word changes can be accomplished
with less difficulty, but anything more than one speech more often
than not ends in hostilities.

The days that follow are also predictable. Assuasion and persuasion from Sherwood. The restoration of at least an outward
semblance of amenity with Howard, which has been brought
about usually in a moderated conference that ends with Howard
echoing in that 'Hail fellow, stalwart comrade' attitude, "When
you have any problems, remember our door is always open. And
remember, there isn't anything we can't fix."

My thought is, "I'm not so sure I want to pay the price."

EPISODE 35: "A FISTFUL OF REASONS"

Baby talk, baby talk, it's a wonder you can walk.

-Buddy Hinton

Rotten little Buddy Hinton makes Cindy cry by mocking her
lisp. Peter tries talking with the little bully but only gets a black eye
for his trouble.

When Mike and Carol try talking to Buddy's parents, they turn
out to be big bullies, leaving Mike with only one option: teach
Peter the fine art of beating the crap out of a guy.

Pete learns how to fight, runs into Buddy outside of school, levels a perfect haymaker into his puss, and knocks out Buddy's front
teeth in the process.

With nothing left but molars, Buddy now lisps just like Cindy. As
the episode closes, Cindy engages in some truly mean-spirited and
un-Brady-like behavior, taunting the now thoroughly defeated and
humiliated Buddy with his own dreaded phrase: "Baby talk, baby
talk, it's a wonder you can walk." What a catharsis!

WRITER: Tam Spiva

DIRECTOR: Oscar Rudolph

• In this episode (and again in episode 36) you can easily see
that whenever a script called for a neighbor's backyard, the Bradys' backyard would simply be redressed (with an extra shrub or phony
tree) and filmed as though it were someplace else. It was a moneysaving ploy, but it really does look hokey.

EPISODE 36: "WHAT GOES UP..."

The Bobster gets a chance to become the youngest ever member of Peter's treehouse gang, but drops out ... literally.

Bobby falls out of the tree, bounces a coupla times, sprains his
ankle, takes a bump; and comes up with a newly acquired fear of
heights.

The ever-sympathetic and understanding Bradys try their best
to alleviate Bobby's new phobia, and even buy a trampoline (watch for Alice's belly-whopper), hoping he'll snap out of it.

(© Paramount
Pictures)

It doesn't work, and it looks like Bobby's gonna spend his
entire life at sea level ... until his new pet budgie flies out the bedroom window and into the backyard tree.

Without time to think about his fear, Bobby scrambles up the
swingset like an orangutan and rescues his yellow-feathered pal.
He's cured, and we ring in the closing credits.

WRITERS: William Raynor and Myles Wilder

DIRECTOR: Leslie H. Martinson

•Brady Mistake! One of our biggest goofs ever shows up in this
episode, and it's ... uh ... all my fault. Watch closely in the scene
where all of us Bradys are playing on the backyard trampoline.
You'll see Greg turn to Jan and quite clearly say, "Why don't you
give it a try, Eve?" We'd blow takes with slip-ups like that all the
time, but this is the only name gaffe that made it onto the airwaves.

EPISODE 37: "COMING-OUT PARTY"

All nine Bradys (don't forget to include Alice) get invited on a
far-out fishing trip by Mike's boss, Mr. Phillips, and the kids are
thrilled.

Cindy sneezes.

In the backyard, Marcia practices by casting her line into a bucket.

Cindy sneezes.

Carol appears, brags about being an expert fisherperson, and
proceeds to cast her line over the fence, and into the Dittmeyer's
barbecue pit, snagging a five-pound bag of charcoal in the process.

Cindy sneezes again, and the old folks call Dr. Howard. He
shows up, takes one gander at Cindy's uvula, and comes to the
conclusion that her tonsils need pulling (since when is sneezing a
symptom of tonsillitis?). The bad news gets even worse when
Cindy's surgery is scheduled for a week from Saturday, the very
day of the fishing trip!

But all hope is not lost. Dr. Howard says that if Cindy's tonsils
get better by themselves, he could postpone the surgery until after
the trip (nice set of priorities).

However, when it comes time for Dr. Howard's follow-up visit,
Cindy's tonsils not only haven't healed, they've gotten worse.
Adding to the misery, when Mommy shows Cindy how to "open
up and say `Ah'," Doc Howard finds that Carol's tonsils need
pulling too! (Notice that the doctor uses the same tongue depressor on both Brady women-ugh!)

A full fifteen minutes into the episode, Mike finally comes to the
conclusion that he should postpone the fishing trip until a time when the Bradys sport a clean bill of health. He calls Mr. Phillips,
explains his predicament, and in no time the trip is rearranged to
take place two weeks later. Perfect, right?

Wrong, because while the Brady women's surgery comes off
without a hitch, there's trouble brewing come recovery time. Like
all tonsillectomy victims, Carol and Cindy are recuperating at home
with strict orders to avoid conversation. However, Carol just can't
seem to stay off the phone-you know how women are. When
Mike calls home from work looking for Alice, Carol defies doctor's
orders and picks up the phone. Mike yells at her, hangs up the
phone, and then calls back to test her.

Sure enough, after only two rings she picks up. Mike pretends
to be Carol's gabby friend Ellie, and when Carol starts to chat she
gets yelled at again. Mike hangs up.

A while later, the phone's ringing again, but this time Carol's
too smart for Mike. She picks up the phone, and when the voice
on the other end say, "Ahoy, Mrs. Brady, it's Mr. Phillips. How are
you feeling?" she replies, "Not well enough to go on that brokendown barnacle barge of yours."

Enter Mike, and Carol immediately realizes that she's just insulted the real Mr. Phillips! Frustrated, Mike tries to call Mr. Phillips
and explain, but gets an earful of phone-slam instead.

Dissolve forward, and Mr. Phillips is inexplicably at the Bradys'
front door bearing flowers. He apologizes for being so hotheaded,
and explains his rash phone-slamming by saying that "you can
insult a man's wife, but never his boat" (beautiful, ain't it?). He also
asks if he might interest the Bradys in having their on-again, offagain boat trip officially become on again, and the kids' cheers give
him his answer.

In the end, Carol tries apologizing to Mike, until he says, "I
guess there's only one way to shut your mouth," and slaps a big
wet one on her.

Tag time, Carol's all better and once again is practicing her casting in the backyard. She winds up, flicks her wrist, and sends her
line over the fence once more, only this time she hasn't snagged
Mr. Dittmeyers' charcoal ... she's caught Mr. Dittmeyer.

WRITER: David P. Harmon