Hadley (The Club Girl Diaries Book 3) (10 page)

But now, I had no fucking idea what was happening.

And it scared the shit out of me.

I pulled into the cemetery and switched the engine off.

I didn’t move.

I could see her stone from where I sat, Carly always made sure it had fresh flowers along with her parents’ stones that stood proudly beside her. They were all together with one thing in common, they’d left this life too soon.

Grabbing the door handle, I pulled it slowly, the door quietly popping open. The noise of birds chirping filled my ears, the cemetery surrounded by big stunning trees. I took a deep breath as I walked toward her headstone.

I didn’t come here often, I wasn’t even sure why. Maybe I felt like it was easier to remember her in my head than it was to come down here and be reminded that she was in the ground beneath me, rotting away. I inhaled through my nose as I finally came to a stop, the gravestone with her name etched into it, a harsh reminder of the reality I faced.

“Fuck I miss you,” I muttered, wondering why I didn’t feel strange talking to a concrete slab sticking out of the ground. “I still don’t understand.”

Pulling my wallet from my back pocket, I slipped out her picture and dropped onto the ground, bending my knees and resting my arms on them. I held her photo out in front of me, her smiling face caused the corner of my mouth to twitch up.

It was her graduation photo. Her cap sat on her head, slightly tilted to the side, and her hair hung in ringlets around her face. I couldn’t help the smile that formed, as I remembered hiding her hair straightener that morning. She hated her curls, but I loved them. The way they felt as I tangled my fingers through them, how they effortlessly bounced back into place when I teased her and tugged on them.

“Macy’s got your curls,” I told her quietly. “They’re just like yours. Same color and everything.”

I stared at the picture, half of me expecting her to laugh. But the smile stayed stoic. The picture the same since the day I took it.

“She reminds me so much of you. Always laughing and singing…” I swallowed against the lump in my throat, “…it feels good. Knowing I have her means I’ll always have a reminder of you. I don’t want to ever forget you.”

I felt horrible saying those words, but it was the truth. I was scared of my feelings for Hadley because I feared that moving on would mean leaving Kim behind.

“I’ve…” I cleared my throat, unable to find the words. “I’ve never wanted anyone but you. And now…”

A stabbing pain hit me in the chest. I ground my teeth as I stared at the picture, into the eyes of the woman who I stood up and promised to love forever.

“It’s bad enough you’ve had to watch me fucking around with other women these past couple years,” I said, my voice tense with disgust in myself. “But my heart, or whatever the fuck was left of it that you didn’t take with you, was always reserved for
you
.”

I hung my head between my arms, disappointed in myself and ashamed that I even thought that maybe someone else could take her place.

Kim would have been the perfect mother.

Attentive, loving, funny. She ticked every single box, and I knew that she would have been amazing.

But seeing Hadley with Macy, made me think she ticked those boxes too.

I growled out loud in frustration. “How do I share my heart, Kim? I don’t want to, but there’s a part of me that just wants too badly to protect her. And not just because she’s in trouble. I want to keep her from my brothers. I don’t want them to touch her either.”

I felt my throat closing as the emotions began to build.

“I hate thinking of another man touching you. It kills me. But thinking of them with her makes me fucking angry, too.”

I was so confused.

“Why did you have to fucking leave!” I shouted, my voice echoing through the trees and causing a flurry of birds to fly off into the sky. Anger burned off me as I tilted my head to the sky and screamed, “Why did you have to leave!”

If she had of lived, this would have never been an issue. I would never be fighting with my emotions because Kim would be beside me. We’d be raising Macy together, she’d be showing her how to bake and dress up and play with makeup, while I taught her how to throw a punch if someone was mean to her.

I would never be wondering whether my feelings for Hadley were real because I would have never had them in the first place.

Why couldn’t she just be alive?

Why did she have to be taken from me?

I felt a tear drop onto my cheek and knew that it was time for me to go. I took a deep breath and moved forward, crouching in front of the gravestone. “I love you so much. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now, but I hope like hell you understand. I love you so much, Kim. Don’t think I’ll ever forget you, because I won’t. And no matter what happens, Macy will grow up knowing how beautiful and extraordinary her mother was.”

I kissed the cold stone, a dark reminder that this was all I would ever have of her.

There would be no more warm body to hug, no more soft lips to kiss. I would never have her with me again.

She was gone.

And now it was up to me to preserve her memory for both Macy and me.

No matter what happened in life, I would never fail to keep her with me.

“Hey, Hadley,” Harmony greeted cheerfully as she stepped onto the patio. She walked across the grass to where Macy and I swung back and forth on the swings.

I gave her a soft smile. “Hey, how’s it going?”

“Pretty good. Kinda strange being back here, but also kinda nice to see the boys and Chelsea again,” she answered as she leaned against the swing set.

“They’re great guys, I’m gonna miss them too when I leave.”

Harmony frowned. “I’m not really sure about all the details, but after everything is finished you’re still going to leave?”

I nodded but looked away, instead smiling at Macy as she pumped her legs furiously to try and keep the swing moving. “Yeah, I think so. I have nothing against the club girl lifestyle, but I want to do other things, too.”

“Like what?” she asked, tilting her head to the side.

“I want to be a teacher.”

Harmony nodded. “Little kids?”

I giggled. “No. Big ones. I’m halfway through a teaching degree in high school English.”

Harmony looked surprised. “Wow.”

I shrugged. “I love these little guys to pieces, but I’m really passionate about reading and writing. And to get in depth with that kind of stuff, you really have to go for the older kids.”

“The ones with raging hormones and attitude problems.” Harmony laughed.

I joined her. “Yup. Unfortunately, they come as a package deal.”

Harmony seemed to think for a moment. “Hey, maybe you could talk to Optimus and Chelsea. Harlyn has had problems reading at school, maybe you could work with her?”

Harlyn had been a quiet girl since I arrived a few weeks ago, but Rose told me she hadn’t always been that way. She’d been bullied and teased and with her mom basically walking out on her, she’d turned in on herself.

“For sure. I’d love to help.”

“I think Chelsea’s in with her now doing some homework, I can watch Macy for a minute if you wanna shoot in and have a chat with her?”

I looked to Macy, who was climbing off the swing and heading for the jungle gym. “Are you sure? I told Leo I’d watch her.”

Harmony waved me off with a flick of her wrist. “Don’t panic. I used to watch Macy when I was here. Leo will be fine.”

I grinned. “Okay.” Jumping off the swing, I called out to Macy telling her I would be back soon. She gave me a wave and yelled to Harmony to come climb with her.

Heading inside, I let my eyes adjust to the darkness before looking around in search of Chelsea. There were a handful of brothers mingling around. When I couldn’t see her, I headed upstairs to see if they were studying in the bedroom.

Op and Chelsea’s room was at the end of the hall, but as I passed by Leo’s, I noticed the door was open. I stopped, chewing on my lip, wondering if I should see if he was back. Deciding to take a quick peek, I ducked my head into the small gap, my eyes searching the room. Spotting him sitting at the edge of his bed with his elbows on his knees and his head hanging low, I automatically felt the need to comfort him.

“Leo?” I asked softly as I pushed the door open. It squeaked a little and his head shot up.

His eyes seemed distant. “Where’s Macy?”

“Uh… with Harmony. I just came up to find Chelsea for something,” I answered nervously, thinking maybe I should have just kept Macy with me.

But Leo just nodded robotically.

I cleared my throat. “Leo, are you all right?” He didn’t answer, just staring blankly. “Okay, let me know if you need anything. I’m gonna go back down—”

“Come in,” he said sternly. I hesitated, and his eyes looked to me in a deep frown. “Come in,” he repeated, his voice firm.

I stepped inside and closed the door softly behind me. He sat up straighter, and lifted his chin, indicating for me to come closer. I walked over and stood in front of him.

“How come I never saw your tattoo?” he asked, his eyes seeming to roam my body as if he might be able to spot it through my clothes.

I giggled softly. “You always eavesdrop on conversations?”

“My ears were burning. Now where is it?”

I slowly began to turn, lifting my shirt over my head as I went. I twisted it in my hands as I showed him my back. A light touch of his fingers had shivers running through my body, his hands cold against my skin that had been warmed by the sun outside.

“A tree?” he asked as he traced the branches with his fingertips.

“Family tree. It has my grandparents, my parents, my step dad and Sammy, my brother,” I explained. Another hand came to rest on my hip, and he used it to pull me back toward him.

“Thought you didn’t get along with your step dad?” he asked. He was so close now I could feel his breath against my skin.

“I don’t, but he gave me Sammy, and he makes my mom happy. We might not see eye to eye, but if he makes her happy, he matters.”

His hands stilled on me, and I wondered if I should turn around.

“Why just up one side, why not up the middle?”

I laughed. “So many questions. One day I’ll have my own family, and that’s where it will go.” My family tree ran up the right side of my spine, leaving the left side completely blank. I hoped that one day I would fill it. I’d considered it with Simon, thinking that that was the beginning of my family, we’d have kids, they’d have kids. But for some reason I’d always held back, telling myself that I’d wait until we actually had children before I got it done.

When his lips touched my back, I jumped but his hand held me firmly in place. His beard brushed against my soft skin as he moved from the small of my back, upward. I arched my back, and he used one hand to brush my hair over the front of my shoulder as his lips and tongue made the journey up my spine. I could feel him rising to his feet behind me, and soon his lips had moved to my neck.

Tossing my shirt to the floor, I placed one of my hands over his where it stayed connected to my hip. While his other moved around the front of my body, sliding over my flat stomach and pulling me back against his leather-clad chest. I let him take control, still not quite sure what he was feeling at that time. He seemed down, upset maybe or angry.

I felt like he didn’t need words at the moment, that he just needed to feel. And for Leo, I’d give anything if I knew that would make him feel better. I squeezed his hand as he continued to lap and suck at my neck, tilting my head to the side and leaning back into him. The way his hand drifted over my body so softly, not yet reaching for my pants or my bra, told me what I needed to know. This wasn’t him needing a fuck to get him going again, or release or whatever was burning him up inside, this was him needing me.

I could feel it.

The intense emotions in the room swirled around us. There was more between us than either of us wanted to admit face to face. We both felt it and fought it. But in this moment, I could feel him letting go.

I took a deep breath, turning my body in his arms. My hands moved to his club cut, sliding it off his shoulders and down his arms. I held it gingerly in my hands, stepping back and walking over to hang it on the back of the door. I knew how much these boys valued their colors. Respecting them showed that I respected the man himself. They were never tossed or thrown around, and they were always placed somewhere visible to the men.

He stood still, watching me as I returned to him and reached for his shirt, pulling it over his head and dropping it to the floor beside me. His hands reached for my jeans, but I grasped his wrists and looked up at him. “For now, just let me be there for you,” I told him quietly.

The harshness in his face seemed to soften a little, and he withdrew. I trailed my hands down his chest, admiring his body, studying it, committing it to memory. His muscles twitched as I brushed over them and I smiled. When I reached his buckle, I made quick work of pulling it open and flicking the button. His jeans practically fell to the floor, revealing him bare underneath.

“Lay on the bed,” I told him, pressing my palm against his stomach.

He obliged, stepping back and out of his jeans and shuffling himself into the middle of the bed. I crawled up between his legs, my eyes fixed on the large cock that now sat proudly pressed against his stomach. I held his eyes as I pressed my tongue to its base and moved up, licking the entire length. The strong muscles in his legs tensed as I repeated the movement, this time taking the head into my mouth and sucking softly.

I wrapped my hand around it, pumping slowly as I bobbed my head up and down, delighting in the way he seemed to fight to control himself. I proceeded to lick and suck and drive him crazy, not just him, though. My nipples were straining against the lace of my bra so badly that it almost hurt and my panties were soaked through.

As I continued to pump his cock in and out of my mouth, I moved my hand down and began to undo my jeans and pull down the zipper. I didn’t know how much longer I could wait, my body desperate to be joined with his.

It was at that point I knew he felt the same as he wound his fingers through my hair and pulled my head up so I was looking at him. His eyes burned into me. “Can’t wait any longer. Need you.”

I licked my lips as he released me, allowing me to climb off the bed and remove what was left of my clothing before I crawled back toward him.

“You’re fucking beautiful,” he said so quietly I thought I may have imagined it.

My skin flushed, and for the first time I felt a little shy as I moved my knees to either side of his hips, his cock already slipping against the outside of my wet pussy. It hadn’t taken much for me to realize that the chemistry between Leo and I, was so much more than what I’d felt with the other men. With them, it was just an act where the both of us worked together to create pleasure and to reach that distant peak.

But with Leo, I wanted more.

I wanted to touch him, I wanted to feel every emotion that he shared. I felt as though it was more than just feeling pleasure, it was like the satisfaction of finding the final puzzle piece and placing it in the puzzle and feeling as though you’d created something so perfect and so whole.

I braced my hands on his chest, but he wasn’t having it.

He lifted off the bed, his arms winding around my waist and pulling me down. I caught myself, bracing my elbows on either side of his head, my face only a couple of inches from his. Having his chest pressed against mine felt so good. I could feel every breath he took and the way his heart was racing.

He anchored me there, moving one hand down over the curve of my ass, his fingers dancing across my skin and sending the most delicious shiver through my body. When his fingers rubbed against my bare pussy, I tried to grind my hips against his hand but he held me tightly, lightly tormenting me.

I bit my lip. “Leo…”

The corner of his mouth tipped up. “It’s okay, baby. I’m too impatient right now to play. I just need you.”

With that, he lifted his cock. I could feel the head pressed securely against my entrance, and he brought his arm back, wrapping it around me again. My legs were forced wider as he lifted his knees and placed his feet on the bed, slowly forcing his cock inside me. My lips fell open, forming an O shape as I took him inside me.

“Mmm,” he murmured. “Feels good, doesn’t it.”

“Words can’t explain,” I whispered, as he pulled out before slowly invading my body once again. His movements were so slow, so sensual. He wasn’t in a hurry, and neither was I. I just wanted to feel him, every part of him. Everything he was willing to give me, I would embrace it. Leo made me feel emotions I never knew even existed, but that I so desperately wanted to explore.