Halton Cray (Shadows of the World Book 1) (30 page)

‘By Life, I suppose. I do occasionally go against
that because I want to believe in choice.’

‘In free will?’ he asked.

‘Yes.’

‘So where does your belief in fate fit in there?’

‘Is there a point to all this?’

‘Bear with me, Alex. My point is around the
corner.’

I sighed. ‘Maybe you’ve always been destined to
stop Johan, but the right time hasn’t come yet. Maybe it was Seth’s fate to
experience a demonic possession. I’m starting to believe we are predestined to
do certain things. I don’t mean every detail has to go according to plan, but
we must accomplish the milestones. Between those I reckon you can do pretty
much anything you like as long as you hit the right spot when the time comes. If
you’re not on the right track to hit a milestone you’ll be forced there, by
something I don’t understand.’

‘The stick?’ he asked. ‘That sounds like the
carrot and the stick theory.’

‘I suppose that’s what I’m more prone to believe,
if I believe in any destiny at all. If you don’t believe in the stick, you’ll
probably call it coincidence. That’s my belief.’

‘It’s always interested me to think of it in that
way, Alex, but I yet retain my human faults; on this subject fickleness in
particular. I’m happy to believe in fate when the circumstances serve my
purpose and delight me. However, it’s easy to rebel against those once strong
beliefs when events starve your family; leave you destitute; send you to
foreign lands, and make you a monster into the bargain. – I never saw my mother
and sister again. I’ve no idea how they suffered and died. Yet I am to live
forever with that, with no peace of mind on that score. How can I easily
believe in fate? Unless there is more to discover.’

‘It sounds like you wrestle with it, which proves
your belief.’

‘Just so. That’s what torments me. I can’t believe
it with such acceptance.’

‘I only make room for the possibility,’ I said, ‘because
on the one hand what’s the point in making choices in life if it’s only meant
to go one way? Then again, I’ve always had this nagging question, when
something happened that I knew was going to happen – and I don’t mean by
probability or a good guess – but I sensed it would happen unexpectedly. I
wondered for a long time whether I’d predicted it or whether I somehow made it
happen.’

‘You, Cassandra, predict?’ He smirked. ‘But, that’s
only two ways of looking at it. You’re limiting your choices. You’ve already
decided that these are the only explanations for this strange phenomenon. Is it
absolute, so black and white? Is the answer always just yes or no?’

‘Not always.’

‘So why make the answers to this question simply
one or the other, and then force yourself to choose between them?’

‘Because it’s all I could think of, I guess. I see
your point.’ I met his stare more easily. ‘So what’s your take on it?’

‘A million ideas! We don’t know nearly enough
about the universe we live in, or ourselves for that matter. But on one thing
we must agree, Alex: your coming here to work was fate. It was fate that we met
and fell in love.’

‘Perhaps, for whatever purpose.’ I got to my feet.

He straightened up.

I pointed to the bathroom. ‘I just need to…’

His face composed.

The bathroom looked bulldozed, with a badly cracked
basin and chunks missing round the edge of the avocado bath. Some of the pipes
that ran from under the sink had replacement plastic cylinders fitted at
lengths in them.

Thom was deep in thought when I returned. Neither
of us spoke for a while. I’d retaken my seat and sat there stiffly, musing
quite seriously on my own sanity, and whether the Cray really was the asylum
he’d once teased.

‘You look tired, Alex. I think you’ve had enough.’

I nodded and instinctively rose again from the
sofa.

‘You mustn’t go!’ he blasted, in some shock. He
was up, faster than I could make out, positioning himself with his back against
the door. ‘You can stay here, have a lie down and get some sleep. But you
mustn’t leave!’

‘I’m very tired, but I can’t sleep,’ I told him,
calmly. My mind was still running riot with everything I’d heard and the
numerous questions I had. I’d never be able to sleep. I wasn’t sure how far
he’d go to stop me leaving though. I wanted to cool him as best I could.

‘Speaking of sleep,’ I said, kneeling on the sofa
to look out the window again, into the night. ‘Do you – sleep that is?’

‘Not in there!’ His voice was at my ear, as if he
spoke directly into it, but he hadn’t moved from the door.

‘Where?’

‘The mausoleum. That’s what you’re staring at,
isn’t it?’

At this point he came to my side to look out of
the window.

‘I have very limited eyesight compared with you. I
can’t see the mausoleum from here in the dark. I don’t suppose it’s strange you
should assume that’s what I meant. Your kind don’t sleep upside-down in vaults
then?’

He laughed. ‘Who’d want to sleep in a crypt
anyway? With all those rotten old bones and spiders. Besides, it’s most likely consecrated.
I only sleep for an hour or two at a time. I usually take this nap around dawn.
Now I should tell you, Alexandra, although this may come as a shock, I actually
sleep in a bed, in a room specifically for this purpose.’ He pointed it out.
‘Freaky, isn’t it? Do you want to see?’

I shook my head.

‘What happens if you don’t sleep?’

‘I get cranky.’

It was some minutes before he seemed relaxed
enough to retake his chair.

‘I don’t know what you’re thinking, Alex. You’re
weighing things up but I don’t know which of all the terrible things they are.
Are you considering making a dash for the exit? Not that it would do you much
good! Or are you weighing up which is worse: that I’m a monster, or that I’m a
liar who’s deceived you?’

It was about time I faced the truth of what he’d
confessed earlier.

‘What you told me before about stealing that man’s
identity – your first name’s not even Thom, is it?’

‘It’s not.’

I nodded slowly. He sat there silently for some
time.

‘You’re not going to ask me what my real name is?’

‘What’s in a name?’ I muttered. ‘No, for now
anyway, it’s better I don’t know.’

‘What does that mean?’ He stood up and edged
forward.

I shook my head, refusing both to answer his
question and for him to come too close. 

‘You’re never going to forgive me are you?’

I’d already forgiven him for what he was. It was
hardly his fault. The fact that he’d lied would take longer to overlook, though
I understood the many-sided necessity of it. The truth was that now I
understood him better I had no doubt I would fall deeper in love with him. As
for pulling myself away, I couldn’t imagine life without him. Worryingly, I
found myself thinking up ways we could be together on more equal terms. I was
no longer Shelley’s fiend, but my own Doctor Frankenstein. I began taking all
the bits I liked and sewing them together to make one whole of what I wanted,
disposing of all the bad in a black pocket in the back of my mind. If I allowed
myself, I could forget the consequences of what I was actually doing, permitting
to unleash another beast on to the world. I could become so engrossed in this
moment of madness that I would forget the regrets I was sure to have later.
Just the fact I had even considered it made me jump back ten feet from the
thought. As long as I was able to remain my mortal self, I believed without a
doubt we could still be together.

Twenty-seven

‘There’s not one world above, far as these straining eyes can see,
where Wisdom ever laughed at Love, or Virtue crouched to Infamy.’

– Emily Brontё,
How
Clear She Shines

He stayed back and spoke
softly. ‘I’ve only just found you, Alex. I’m terrified of losing you; that
you’re going to end things between us. You’re going to say you can’t be a part
of me, because of the things I’ve done and must do. If you’re concerned about
staying here, at Halton Cray, where gossips continue abusing my name – where
I’m rumoured to being a fiend, ghost and ghoul, we can leave together. Have you
ever been abroad, Alex?’

I shook my head.

‘You’d love Europe. Not too far from home, but a
decade easily spent discovering it. After which time we could come back, if you
like, for when you’re ready.’

‘When I’m ready?’

‘Ready to stay with me, properly.’

‘Stay with you
properly
?’ I whispered, my
voice faltering.

‘Alex, stop recapping, please! I would never ask
you to become like me, not for years to come. Unless, of course, you’re happy
to sooner? But, no, I can see you don’t like the idea. It’s not something
you’re
likely to get used to within a few hours.’

Horror gagged me. A thread of calm came undone,
unravelling the fabric of acceptance I’d just woven, and fraying it into panic.
Surely, it was just a passing thought for him too, and would soon reveal itself
a terrible idea!

‘You know, some butterflies only live a few days?’
he said, a little randomly. ‘Even though their lifecycle began months before, its
instars to achieve complete metamorphosis, as larva, caterpillar, and chrysalis.
They finally begin to really live as a butterfly, and when that time comes, it
only lasts a few days. Some moths only live for one day. It’s all they know. I
can relate to it, having the experience I’ve had as human and as what I am now.
I’m telling you, Alex, that time passes quicker when you have forever to live
it – just as it is shorter for the butterfly. You’ll be gone sooner than you
can understand, in my time. Imagine you fell in love with someone who only had
a day to live! How would you feel about that? What if you could do something
about it?’

‘I understand that I’m the butterfly in this scenario,’
I said, ‘but I don’t understand how my lifespan can be compared to a few days?’

‘You’re not meant to understand it. You can’t
understand it through explanation. I’m trying to give you an idea by
comparison,’ he spoke rapidly. ‘How can you comprehend what I feel in my time
when you are stuck in yours? Time passes quicker for me because I have so much
of it.’ 

‘Do you mean that you see everything speeded up? I
mean, in comparison to how it was before? Does my watch tick faster?’

‘It feels speeded up. No, the clock ticks the same,
but instead of the feeling that yesterday was yesterday, it’s more like a
second ago. I don’t expect you to understand that.’ He finished in a tone as
though he’d been trying to explain the
theory of relativity
to a small
child. However, I wasn’t done on that subject yet.

‘So it’s just how it seems? Is that important when
it isn’t really that way at all?’

‘How can I teach myself to live by your clock? I
can’t, because I live by mine. I have forever, and you don’t. I want you to
have forever, Alex, with me. The lifespan I have is optional to you, yours to
me isn’t. If it were I would take it in a heartbeat!’

I didn’t respond to that for a moment. Without
getting on to other matters about living as he did, such as drinking human
blood, stalking Death, having a demon usurp me, et cetera, I gave a response to
the subject in hand.

‘I don’t want to live forever,’ I said, simply,
and a little sadly.

‘You think that forever would be, what, boring?
The idea of eternity only pained me when I was doomed to spend it alone, when I
thought I could never have any sort of life. It is just a lifespan, not
painfully drawn out. Once you know it, you understand it; you become it. Do you
know how much I love you, Alexandra? I can’t bear the thought of losing you! I
can never follow you on. I know it sounds selfish, it
is
selfish, but I
won’t wait around for you to die!’ He rubbed his face and looked away, annoyed,
but unsurprised to see me shaking my head.

One truth was that he wasn’t used to having things
any other way but his own.

‘But why would you want me now,’ he re-joined.
‘Perhaps you don’t love me at all.’

‘Why? Because I won’t sacrifice my life and agree
to become that Thing for you? That wouldn’t be love, Thom.’

‘Then what would it be?’

‘Infatuation, probably. Acute fear of being alone
and a desperation to be wanted mixed up and labelled as love. If you asked me
to commit a murder for you, to prove my love, I wouldn’t do it. But that would
hardly mean I didn’t love you. If I can’t remain true to myself, what is there
for you to love in me?’

‘Wait – where are you going?’

‘I’m stiff,’ I mumbled on rising from the sofa,
roused to something like vexation. ‘I need to stretch myself and– and think!’

‘Perhaps you need time to get used to the idea?’

Much as I
did
love him, I couldn’t choose
to be that Thing, either to please him or any part of myself. It would be cruel
to give him hope. Besides, I felt he might try me, harass me, talk me into it.
I was sure he wouldn’t trick me, but I admit a sensation yet kindled a fear. He
might consider it eventually, perhaps after attempts to persuade me had failed.
I didn’t truly believe him capable, but I couldn’t take that risk. As he’d
said, desperation makes you carry out things you wouldn’t normally do.

‘I don’t want that life,’ I whispered hard,
decisively. ‘To live like that! It’s not what I want. I wish we could be
together in any other way. But I won’t choose that – I
won’t
!’

‘Do you intend to leave me, Alex? Take care how
you answer!’ His voice sharpened; he was ready to react badly.

I found my eyes wandering over to the door. He
went and stood with his back up against it.

‘I don’t want to leave you – but I will have to.’

‘I won’t lose you!’ His nose wrinkled. ‘Alex– Alex,
I can
make
you mine!’

‘I
know
you’re not capable of that.’

‘Don’t underestimate desperation! Given the right
conditions, anyone is capable of anything.’

Impulsively, I shook my head.

‘Don’t try me, Alex. I
will
have you! – I
will!’

He was wild-eyed. His forehead fiercely overcast.
I didn’t want to look at him like this, but maintaining eye contact was
essential to avoid attack. If I looked away, flinched, recoiled, fled, I would
be demonstrating a weakness. Instinct told me this. However, instinct did not
drive Thom like it does the tiger or the panther. Despite staring him out he
sprung and was at my side in a blink. In urgency he arrested my arms. Even with
the passion glowing in his endlessly black eyes, I felt the carefulness in his
grip – that his formidable strength could, if he wished, crush my bones to
powder. His hands moved to my waist, pulling me to him. He leant forward, his
teeth bared and set. This only aided my resolve – I wouldn’t be frightened into
anything.

Slowly I raised my hands and laid them on his
shoulders for support. I was about to ask if this was his love for me. He’d
already stopped. His arms folded around me and his chin rested against my
forehead as he whispered –

‘And how could I? To have you on those terms would
mean losing you on all others. You’ll never understand what it’s like from
where I stand, Alex. It’s a long life to you. To me, it’s a day. Oh, Alex! How
can I invite you to sit here with me, when the Sword of Damocles hangs above my
head? To share my burden, when this burden cannot be halved. But what– what
would you have me do? You know I cannot come to you; I’m detained here in
darkness. I’m kept from means of death!’

In that moment I wanted to give in, or promise to
someday. I truly felt for him, but I felt for myself too! I had to respect my
own wishes. I couldn’t endure one lifetime of hiding in the shadows, let alone
forever. Pretending to be something I’m not, chasing Death and killing to
survive, and looking at that Thing in the mirror! It wasn’t natural – it was
abominable! I couldn’t get this truth out of my heart. Though Love did its best
to pin blinkers to my head so that the only road I saw was one – one which led
to an everlasting future with
Thom
– whose real name I should never
learn. I couldn’t agree to it.

He took my hand and placed it over his heart. It
was still. He put his palm to mine. I could see it beating in his eyes, rapidly.

‘This is my favourite sound in the world,’ he
said. ‘How could I turn it off?’

Though he said this with some conviction, he shook
his head to the idea of giving in to me. He wasn’t going to let me go easily
and I knew it. Just as he knew it would be wrong to choose the life he had.
Though surely
wrong
can only exist by comparison? And it felt
right
to love him. Nevertheless, my decision was fixed. It wasn’t as if he couldn’t
follow. He would follow. Therein lay my dilemma: that he possessed such
abilities was the Achilles heel of my plan. I couldn’t even run let alone hide;
try as I might. Absolutely nothing could stop him. My only way was to succeed in
reasoning with him.

‘There is such irony in this!’ he exclaimed,
keeping hold of me. ‘Of all the talk of people professing to want this dark
curse! To live forever, young, powerful, to never know sickness or death! And
to whom has the opportunity been given? To someone who is innately so accepting
of the natural way of things! Even when Nature reveals a new breed to you, there
you are with your obstinacy! I swear I’ve never met anyone like you. Could I
watch you grow old and die, Alex? No! I couldn’t! – I
won’t
! The thought
drives me mad!’

‘Would you make me into that Thing?’

To this he released me altogether and took a step
back. Some rational thinking must have been taking place behind those furious
eyes. He knew it was wrong to ask this, to expect this of me, and worse to
force it on me. An epic battle went on in his mind, and I saw it really dawn on
him, as he seemed to accept it. I felt a door swing open to freedom, coaxing me
there with a promise of pain.

‘And what shall I do when you’re gone?’ he
muttered almost to himself, as his silent soles wandered the room. ‘Where to go
from here? I said I was cursed.’

‘I wish I knew,’ I whispered. ‘I wish I could help
you. Surely there must be others in the world like you. Perhaps there’s more knowledge
out there.’

He laughed scornfully. ‘A manual perhaps exists
somewhere, awaiting my discovery. Next you’ll tell me to just forget you!’ He
clicked his fingers.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said, fighting back tears.

‘You won’t come back, will you?’

I shook my head and lifted the necklace he’d given
me.

‘Don’t remove that, Alex, I beg you! If you do
love me you’ll treasure it – in place of me.’

‘I
do
love you,’ I whispered.

I felt an ache in my chest. But I needed to
survive this. I needed to retain my soul, and to do that I would have to
sacrifice both our happiness. I knew that what I did now I’d have to stick to.
No going back, I told myself. It was the hardest decision I’d ever had to make.
It felt like deciding whether to cut my own arm off, knowing the action was
necessary to survive.

‘So this is what death feels like!’ he muttered.
‘You’re killing me; the last part of me that was human.’

He stood very still. I made my way slowly to the
door. It was lighter outside, and I could hear the birds had risen. Very soon I
would be leaving him in pain and I knew it. I couldn’t bear it. My emotions got
the better of me and I wept in front of him.

‘Oh, Alex, please don’t cry.’

‘That is like telling the fire, “Don’t burn!”’

‘I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to.’ He
watched me wipe my tears. ‘I promise I’ll do anything you ask. I’ll watch you
grow old, if you wish. I won’t pester you to change. Alex, stay with me, just
as you are. Maybe one day you might reconsider, by yourself I mean.’

‘I’m not going to let you watch me grow old. I’m
not going to let temptation get the better of you. I’m never going to change my
mind about becoming what you are. I’d rather love and lose, remembering it for
what it is than mutilate it and watch it turn to resentment.’

I went over to him and took his hand. I kissed it before
turning for the door, moving quickly, for fear of changing my mind. I knew that
the moment I was away from him it would all become so real. I forced myself to
open it.

‘Use anger,’ he said, as I was about to close the
door behind me. ‘Be angry with me, Alex. It will aid you better than despair.’

‘I can’t–’

‘You should.’

‘Will you?’ I looked back to him.

He moved his eyes in another direction and shook
his head.

I left the Cray at the break of dawn. The fog was
thick as fallen cloud, dragging across the ground. Broken-winged. Unable to
rise up again. That early spring was in reverse. The dew was not dew at all, but
a shroud of ice on the trees and their new leaves, and their berries. Over the
fields, paths, the roads, cars and every item between. Night had shelled out a
fine wintry icing to freeze spring in its stride.

I walked four miles in his fog, in a trance until
I reached home where it thickened. I knew he’d followed me. I knew now he’d
always followed me, to see me home safe. Once I closed the door on it, I felt
absolutely without hope.