Handle Me with Care (7 page)

Chapter Nine

Maddie’s first patient of the day on Thursday, Arnie, was always up for a good banter.

‘How’s your running going, Maddie?’ he asked when she drew the curtain around the cubicle.

‘I did a personal best at the Tan: seventeen minutes forty-three seconds.’ She perused the previous notes.

‘Awesome. What’s your time around Albert Park Lake?’

‘Twenty-three minutes. I can’t seem to move past that.’

Maddie’s bedside manner was a hit with her patients, and she suspected it was one of the elements of her job that had made her hold on to this career path rather than make the leap into the cake business. Riley always said she had a natural reassuring ability, but then he was biased of course. When he broke his leg, he milked it for all it was worth: meals in bed, massages on call, cupcakes made on demand. She hadn’t minded, though. She had enjoyed playing nursemaid, especially when it allowed her to bake.

Arnie had come to see her for a classic case of runner’s knee, and Maddie treated him with some light massage around the hip and the upper leg and sketched stick men drawings on a piece of paper to show him exercises to do at home.

‘Are we all set with the graduation cake?’ he asked as he tried some of the exercises. ‘My daughter Jess loved the photos of your previous work, and the suggestion of the text book and mortar board was genius.’

‘I hope she likes it.’

‘You should go into business. Which reminds me, can I pass your details on to my sister? She’s expecting a baby in a couple of months and fell in love with the cake with the pink bootees and white piping.’

‘That was for a friend’s baby shower last month. I’m happy for you to pass on my details, but keep your voice down around here or you’ll get me fired!’

‘Well then you’ll have to take the leap, won’t you? I’ve seen the sparkle in your eyes when you talk about baking. You don’t fool me.’ He matched Maddie’s grin. ‘So, in between all your personal bests, have you managed to find yourself a man yet? That was the task I set you months ago, or have you forgotten?’

‘How about we find you some tougher exercises? That way you can’t quiz me during your appointments.’

‘Ah, where’s the fun in that? Come on, spinster, tell all.’

Arnie had been calling her ‘spinster’ for as long as she could remember, and in all the time she had known him, she never once mentioned her history with Riley. She knew Arnie would be devastated about all his teasing if she did. Then he would pussyfoot around her, his appointments tainted with the sympathy that made her feel worse. By keeping quiet, she got to enjoy the banter, the jokes that made her feel normal.

‘Not yet.’ She scribbled down notes on today’s treatment and his progress.

‘I’ll have to fix you up with someone. It’s the only way.’

Oh please, no. His idea of someone suitable was bound to be poles apart from what she was looking for.

‘I met someone.’ She silently prayed that he would forget the idea of fixing her up. ‘It didn’t work out.’

‘What happened? Come on, Maddie, usually you’d be telling me how he spent the entire evening talking with his mouth full, or how he talked about himself non-stop, or that his breath reeked. What aren’t you telling me?’

‘Blimey! I have shared a lot with you over the last couple of years, haven’t I?’

‘Yes, and that’s why I know you’re hiding something.’

‘We really hit it off,’ she said. ‘We had a fabulous first date: you know, the kind where you just talk and don’t realise the time, don’t realise that it’s the first time you’ve ever been out with the other person.’

‘I know what you mean. Even I’m not too old to remember that type of date. That’s what happens when you meet “the one”.’

She felt herself blush. ‘Something tells me that you’re an old romantic, really.’

‘Tell anyone, and I’ll have you disciplined for breach of patient confidentiality.’ He pointed a finger at her in jest. ‘So what happened? Did he make a move on you? Come over all sleazy?’

‘No, it was nothing like that. He was a perfect gentleman. Let’s just say he told me something at the end of the date, and I think it was a deal breaker.’ She wasn’t sure if that was the case from her point of view, but it certainly seemed to be the way Evan was thinking as he hadn’t been in touch.

‘Is he married?’ Arnie spoke quietly even though they were as good as alone.

‘No.’

‘Gay?’

She sniggered. ‘No!’

‘You took him to your place and found him dressing up in your clothes?’

‘No!’ This is what she loved about Arnie and why she would never tell him about Riley.

‘So he must be a conjoined twin, then?’

‘Arnie, that’s enough.’

‘So come on then, spinster. Tell me what it is that’s so bad.’

Her mouth twisted awkwardly. ‘I can’t. It’s not my secret to tell.’

He whistled and his eyebrows arched at the same time. ‘It must be something pretty dark to make you so secretive and to convince you not to see him again.’

‘I’ll leave you to get dressed.’

‘You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, Maddie,’ he called after her. ‘Whatever this guy is, or whatever he’s done, you’ll know the right thing to do.’

*

When Maddie arrived home at her apartment on St Kilda Road, she pulled on her running pants, a striking violet singlet and a new pair of runners that had been worn in and finally felt comfortable enough to go the distance. She got through a pair at least every six months, more so if they had taken a battering in winter weather or on muddier terrain. She opened up the balcony door and breathed in the cool evening air as she fastened her pink Garmin watch round her wrist. She went through a stretch routine she would repeat when she arrived home again to cool her body down and give it a chance to recover before she hit the shower.

She thought back to that afternoon with Arnie and wondered whether anyone really got a second shot at finding ‘the one’. Right now, any second chance felt as though it were on the other side of the Berlin Wall, and she had no idea whether she or Evan had the stamina to climb over it, or whether it was even an option anymore. And if she ever did find that person, would it mean Caitlin had been right all along?

Outside the apartment block Maddie let the light breeze blow away thoughts of Riley’s mum as she pushed her headphones into her ears. She pressed the button to start the GPS on her watch, and it signalled the start of the route that would bring the feeling of freedom with every step she took.

As she pounded the pavements the familiar running playlist ran through Pink’s ‘Raise Your Glass’, Taio Cruz’s ‘Dynamite’, Survivor’s ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and more. Running had been her saviour in the early days after Riley’s death and every day since. Whenever she felt the walls closing in, she pounded the pavements, the promenade, even the sand on the beach when she wanted to work off her anger at the sheer unfairness of it all.

She ran along the pavement to the end of St Kilda Road, across at the lights and onwards to where Fitzroy Street met the beach. A rollerblading pair split up and zipped past on either side of her as she kept on running, beneath towering palm trees on the promenade, soaking up the last moments of light as the sun gave up for the day. She tried to match the beat of the music as she ran down the concrete slope and on to the sand, but even with the frustration inside of her and the eagerness to block out memories, the challenging surface rendered it next to impossible.

And then it was as though the sand had suddenly thickened, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t lift her feet to move anymore.

She looked at Evan coming towards her. His feet seemed to have stopped working too as he pulled a black and red cap down tighter over his forehead when the sun headed straight for him.

‘You look well,’ said Maddie and immediately regretted it. He had hardly been at death’s door last time she saw him, and her comment sounded as pathetic as she felt. ‘Sorry, I just meant …’

‘No worries.’ His smile was forgiveness itself, and his words came out between breaths as he let his heart rate recover. ‘How are you?’

‘I’m fine, I’m good.’ She was making a right mess of this conversation. ‘Have you run far?’

He wiped the back of his hand across his upper lip. ‘Not really, but I thought I’d add the sand challenge today for something different. I’ll run all the way to the end and then do a big loop through St Kilda.’

Maddie pushed her sunglasses further up her nose; they had slipped from the sweat and the sunscreen, and although the sun was behind her now she daren’t take them off because she knew that if he could see her eyes, she would feel even more vulnerable.

‘Have you heard anything?’ she asked.

‘You mean, about the operation?’ He shook his head. ‘I kind of want it over with, but on the other hand I want to be normal for a bit longer.’

Normal? Maddie hadn’t felt normal in such a long time. Meeting Evan had made her believe that eventually she would, but here she was barely able to manage more than a stilted conversation. It was completely different to how they had gelled in the restaurant and on the walk home. 

‘I really did have a good time the other night.’ The intensity of his stare could have burnt a hole right through her sunglasses.

‘I did too.’ Riley’s name was on the tip of her tongue. She thought about explaining why she was so shocked at his news, why she wasn’t quite the rock he probably needed at the moment.

But he spoke too soon. ‘I’ll see you around.’ And with that, the moment was gone. Both Evan and Maddie carried on running in different directions, both struggling their way through the sand as though their lives depended on it.

Maddie took a slope up to the promenade and the relative ease of concrete in comparison. Her pace had increased, her determination was fierce, and she continued all the way to the pier. But instead of continuing past as she usually would, across the road and doubling back to go down the other side, she ran all the way to the end of the wooden structure. She stopped, bent over, hands resting on her thighs, trying to catch her breath. She yanked the headphones from her ears as the music started to sound like voices in her head, taunting her that she couldn’t get a grip on reality.

Was she relieved that she hadn’t told him about Riley? Did keeping Riley a secret keep her precious memories under lock and key? Did mourning him still after all these years, and chasing away any man who showed more than a passing interest, prove Caitlin wrong? Her behaviour for more than a decade had been Maddie’s coping mechanism, so much so that she barely knew how to behave any differently.

She stood for a while beside a man sitting on the edge of the pier, legs dangling over the edge with a hopeful line cast into the water. She watched the sea lapping around the posts beneath her, listened to the seagulls squawk overhead as they penetrated the fug in her mind, let the sea air into her lungs and hoped it would flush out the confusion. But it didn’t.

Puffed white clouds meandered across the sky as she looked back the way Evan had gone, but of course there was no sign of him. Was he still running? Or was he, like her, thinking about what might have been? Her and Riley’s friends had drifted off one by one after he died – perhaps not consciously, perhaps simply moving on – so why couldn’t she do the same after all this time? She thought about how close she’d come to telling Evan about Riley this afternoon. Maybe she’d had the same urge that he felt the night he told her about the cancer. Did they have a connection that made them instantly trust one another, made them immediately want to share the details of their lives with one another?

Maybe Evan actually was her second chance to be happy. But it still didn’t stop Maddie’s niggling doubts that the pain of the past could be happening all over again.

Chapter Ten

‘Ava, guess who’s here?’ Holly lunged at him and dragged Evan inside the moment she opened her front door. ‘Please, please rescue me,’ she said, hands clasped tightly together, pleading. ‘Ben’s still at work and Ava is having one hell of a tantrum. I thought she was getting too old for this, but she’s having a complete meltdown and won’t take any notice of me.’

Now this was something Evan felt sure he could handle: a four-year-old girl who was totally besotted with her cool uncle. This would be a breeze compared to what he had been trying to get his head around these past few days.

He pulled Ava’s favourite bunny, Mr Snuggles, from Holly’s hand. ‘Reinforcements,’ he assured her.

Tentatively, he turned the door handle to the bedroom, crouched down, and pushed the bunny’s nose, then cheeks and whiskers around the side of the door frame. He chuckled quietly; the light relief felt as though he’d had a sprinkling of fairy dust at Ava’s door – the dust that she made out of glitter and torn up rose petals, insisting it was magic. What he would give right now to go back in time and have that childhood innocence all over again.

The sobbing continued, but when he heard a couple of stunted gasps, Evan knew Ava had seen Mr Snuggles. He poked the bunny’s front paws around the door until a giggle told him he’d done it. In a squeaky, girlie voice he would never, ever do in front of his mates, he said: ‘Mr Snuggles has a special guest and would like to invite him in for a tea party.’

The door flew open, and Ava ran at Evan. ‘Uncle Evan!’ He scooped her up and hugged her tight as she clung on like a koala on a gum tree, legs and arms tightly clasped around his torso.

‘Thank you,’ mouthed Holly with eyes closed and a nod. She left them to it and escaped to the other end of the house.

Evan sat cross-legged on the floor in Ava’s bedroom, grateful that the lump was only uncomfortable, not painful. He wondered how much of the discomfort was in his head rather than his groin; was it only uncomfortable because he knew it was there?

Ava pottered around her bedroom in the compact house that sat in Port Melbourne, a stone’s throw from the beach. She arranged bright pink plastic tea cups, matching side plates with Barbie designs on the base, a few plastic slices of cake, which looked more than a little used, and a questionable brown plastic burger she insisted was a camel slice; he assumed she meant ‘caramel’, but it was cute listening to words she was convinced were the right ones, and so he hadn’t started an argument when she refused to accept his correction.

When they’d had their tea, Evan sat with Ava and Mr Snuggles on her purple beanbag and read a story. Ava’s head lolled out of exhaustion from the tantrum, and when they finished he tucked her in, and Holly went in to say goodnight. 

‘You’ve got the magic touch,’ said Holly as she crept out of Ava’s bedroom. ‘I think the tantrum really wore her out. She’s fighting to keep her eyes open.’

‘What’s the matter, sis, can’t handle the pace?’

‘Hey, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. Parenthood is hard work, and all those people who think a stay-at-home mum has it easy need to come and spend a day in my shoes.’

He pulled a face as his sister went off into a familiar rant.

‘Sorry.’ She lined up two wine glasses. ‘It’s been a long day, that’s all.’ She toasted his glass, and not waiting for a return clink, she took a generous gulp of the rich Merlot and closed her eyes.

‘Number two not on the way yet, then?’ he joked.

She opened one eye. ‘Not yet.’

‘Ah, so you’re thinking about it?’

‘I wish I’d done it sooner to be honest. But it just didn’t happen.’

‘Oh. I didn’t realise, sis. I assumed—’

‘Everyone assumed the same, don’t worry. Everyone thought we were content with one child, and I didn’t want to tell anyone that we weren’t having any luck, because if Ava is all we have, then so be it. It’s just that I had visions of at least two siblings running around together – you know, like we did.’

‘We used to fight too. Don’t you remember?’

‘Of course I remember.’ Holly’s voice bubbled as she opened up a packet of Tim Tams and proffered the smooth chocolate-coated biscuits to Evan.

‘What?’ he asked.

She nodded towards the stack of three that he had taken. ‘I’m wondering how you stay looking so fit and healthy when you put away alcohol and chocolate biscuits?’

‘I only indulge when I’m here.’

‘Rubbish.’ She gathered her long, dark ringlets together and wound the pink band that had been lying on the table around three times to secure it in place.

‘Can I ask if there’s a medical reason why you guys haven’t been able to have another baby? Or is it a case of not enough sex with Ava running loose?’

‘
Eurgh
, Evan! You’re my brother! Ask all you want about the medical side, but steer clear of any questions about sex.’

‘It’s a deal.’

She sighed. ‘They call it “secondary infertility”, which is code for we-don’t-know-why-the-hell-it-didn’t-work-this-time. Apparently it’s more common than you’d think. And between Ben’s work, and Ava and everything she needs, some things, like sex, just take a back seat.’

‘I thought we weren’t mentioning sex?’

‘Oh, be quiet.’ She sipped her own wine thoughtfully and a lot slower than her brother. ‘Besides, maybe you could provide a cousin if things work out with Maddie? Then I wouldn’t need to go through all this again.’ She gestured at a mountain of washing folded at one end of the table and the toy corner, which was no longer a corner but had spilt over to most of the lounge room.

It wasn’t only the mention of Maddie’s name that made Evan feel as though he had just balanced all his apples on top of a cart in a perfect pyramid shape and one had been yanked out from the bottom, causing the whole lot to topple over. It was also the double whammy that, as well as losing one of his balls, he could lose his chance at fatherhood. The fact that the doctors insisted one healthy testicle was all he would need did little to reassure him. Funny, he had always thought of himself as a positive person, a glass-half-full type of guy, until now.

He helped himself to a fourth Tim Tam. Seeing Maddie on the beach yesterday had been an unexpected pleasure and a source of great pain: pleasure because he knew his feelings for her already ran as deep as the ocean that crashed right beside them; pain because his future was too unsure, too risky to allow himself to fall for her completely. When they first met he had envisaged a quick fling, no strings attached. But from their first date and from the moment he had stood watching her profile lit up by the flames outside the casino, he knew she was a girl who was worthy of so much more. And it killed him that he couldn’t be the man to give that to her; at least not until his operation and whatever came afterwards was out of the way.

Evan grinned when Holly followed his lead and reached for another biscuit.

‘I don’t feel so bad when I see you do it,’ she justified.

‘How are those spinning classes going?’ He topped up both glasses. ‘How’s the hot instructor?’

‘Don’t tell Ben, he’ll stay in meetings late on purpose so I can’t get to the class anymore. And I need my sanity twice a week, believe me.’

‘Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me.’

‘Good sidestep on the topic of Maddie, by the way.’

‘I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about.’

‘You know exactly what I mean. I touched a nerve when I mentioned her, so come on, out with it.’

Holly, much like Jem, rarely missed a thing. ‘Seriously, sis, it’s nothing.’

‘Bullshit.’

‘Hey, talking of which, do you have any cards?’ Evan began to raid the shelves at the side of the kitchen next to the table. ‘I still reckon I can beat you at a good old-fashioned game of bullshit.’

‘Come on, Evan. What’s bothering you? Don’t tell me she’s dumped you already after one date?’

‘Aha!’ He triumphantly pulled out a pack of cards lurking beneath a
Dora the Explorer
backpack shoved in between a
Wiggles
DVD and a textbook about how to raise girls. He untwisted the elastic band. ‘Is it a full deck?’

‘I think so, but no guarantees in this house.’

‘Okay, then. I’ll deal’

Holly whipped the pack away from him.

‘Hey!’

She held the pack behind her back as he tried to make a grab for them. ‘Not until you tell me what’s going on. It can’t be that big a deal even if she has dumped you – although it’s a shame, she seemed lovely.’

‘Holly,’ said Evan, exasperated. ‘She didn’t dump me. Forget about it, and give me the cards … please.’

She stared him out.

‘I said it’s nothing for fuck’s sake!’

She gestured for him to mind his language with a child in the house who may or may not be asleep yet.

He snatched up his wine. ‘Fuck!’ Most of it missed his mouth and splashed down the front of his white T-shirt.

Holly didn’t give him a look this time. Instead, she watched him as he sunk into his chair, unconcerned at the stains on his clothing.

‘I’m your sister, Evan. Talk to me, please. I may have a mummy-brain, but I know something’s going on. What is it?’

‘I … I …’

His eyes filled with tears and he couldn’t look at her. He was a grown man. He didn’t cry, and certainly not in front of his sister. He hadn’t cried since his father died, and he wasn’t going to cry now, damn it. His chair scraped back angrily, and he marched to the bathroom, shutting his sister and the world out while he pulled himself together.

He took deep breaths, purposely avoiding the mirror above the sink. He didn’t want to see how much of a wimp he looked, how much of a coward. That was how he felt now, and he wondered how much less of a man he’d feel once they took away one of his balls. Balls produced testosterone, the essence of a man, the reason they had their features: facial hair, deep voice, muscles. One testicle was supposedly capable of producing sufficient testosterone to do all that, but doctors were wrong all the time.

Evan flushed the toilet even though there was no need and went back to face Holly, who was sitting at the table rotating her wine glass stem between her fingers. The mother in her had discreetly mopped up the splashes of red wine.

She passed him a shirt. ‘It’s Ben’s. Pop it on while I wash yours.’

Evan did as he was told, and Holly took the T-shirt away to work whatever magic she could. ‘You can wear that one home and I’ll let yours soak,’ she called from the laundry hidden behind a door at the end of the kitchen.

‘Thanks,’ he said, his head hung.

When she took a seat opposite her brother again, she said, ‘Whatever it is, please tell me. I shouldn’t have teased you about Maddie. I didn’t realise how much you liked her.’

‘This isn’t about Maddie.’

‘Well what, then?’

Evan felt his lip wobble when his sister reached out and held his hand over the table. They were close, but holding his hand made him realise how real this thing was. He pulled his other hand through his hair.

‘I went to the doctor for some tests.’ He cringed as he remembered his GP’s gloved hand checking his scrotum, then later the clinical ultrasound that seemed to go on forever, the sharp needle piercing his skin to take his blood.

Holly’s hand moved to her mouth, and when he uttered the word
cancer
, it was no longer
his
tears that were the problem. He wrapped his arms around his sister as she grabbed a hold of him through her husband’s freshly laundered polo shirt and sobbed.

When Ben arrived home almost an hour later and had made the usual pit-stop at his daughter’s bedroom before continuing to the kitchen, Evan and Holly were on to strong cups of coffee, and Evan had sunk his fifth Tim Tam.

‘Oh, I see,’ Ben joked. ‘Late home from work one night, and another bloke has already got his feet under my table, drinking my good coffee, eating my Tim Tams.’ He placed a firm hand on Evan’s shoulder and gave him a shake in jest. ‘Good to see you, mate.’

He moved around to the other side of the table to greet Holly, but before he could take off his tie and leave his day at the office behind, Holly leapt up and wrapped her arms around him.

‘Hey, hey, hey, what’s all this?’ He looked back at Evan. ‘What’s going on?’

*

Evan and Ben sat at a table in the pub. Holly had ushered them out for the rest of the evening, insisting she wanted a hot bubble bath and an early night. She was a good sister to him, sensing that what he really needed tonight was another guy to talk to.

Evan stared into the amber liquid in his glass and after a large mouthful said, ‘Think I’ll be catching the tram home tonight, with this and the wine I put away at your place.’

‘Does that mean the Audi TT is mine for a joyride?’ Ben whistled through his teeth. ‘That’s so cool.’

‘I’ll leave it to you in my will.’

‘Don’t you let Holly hear you talking like that, you hear me.’

‘Sorry, mate, it’s just …’ Evan traced a finger down the condensation of his glass.