Hang In There Bozo (6 page)
Read Hang In There Bozo Online
Authors: Lauren Child
THIS IS A PRETTY BAD SITUATION IN SO MANY WAYS. First of all, you don't know where you are; second of all, no one else knows where you are. In other words, you're lost. Being lost can play a lot of tricks on the mind: it's easy to feel hopeless and abandoned, but remember you are not abandoned; you still have yourself and you're gonna make sure you make it out of there. Right bozo?
RULE ONE
in a survival situation:
D
ECIDE ABOVE ALL ELSE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO SURVIVE
.
REMEMBER:
People who believe they are going to survive have the odds stacked in their favour.
The first thing to do when you find yourself lost is to not run about like crazy panicking. What you wanna do is remember this four-letter word:
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S | S |
T | T |
O | O |
P | P |
REMEMBER:
Decide to stay calm and don't forget
Rule 19: Panic will freeze your brain.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE LOST IN THE DESERT
How did you come to be here in the desert in the first place? Well, there are many reasons you could wind up in just such a place â perhaps you got a flat tyre or your camel ran off. Whatever the reason, first thing is you gotta find water.
WARNING
: KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED AS VALUABLE DROPLETS OF MOISTURE WILL EVAPORATE IF YOU DON'T.
Second, you gotta protect yourself from the sun. Look for shade quickly. You can always make a better shelter once the sun has gone down.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE MAROONED AT SEA
If you are marooned with a group of people then you wanna work as a team. This is true for any survival-type situation, but goes double when stuck in a leaky dinghy miles from shore. Infighting and disorganised thinking are likely to see you dead. If I was stranded in a life raft with Vapona Bugwart, I would try and set aside our differences for the duration of the emergency, or pitch her overboard.
YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO HAVE AN ENEMY SPIRIT ON A LIFE RAFT. An enemy working
with
you, yes; a friend being a massive pain in the butt, NO.
Water is the big issue when marooned at sea so collecting it is your key challenge. If it looks like there might be a heavy squall blowing in, rig up some way of collecting rainwater.
WARNING
: DO NOT DRINK YOUR OWN URINE. IT'S A BASIC RULE AND SOUNDS AN UNLIKELY ONE TO BREAK, BUT AFTER A FEW DAYS AT SEA SUFFERING TERRIBLE DEHYDRATION, YOU MIGHT FIND YOURSELF TEMPTED. URINE IS FULL OF PROTEIN AND YOU NEED A LOT OF WATER TO BREAK IT DOWN AND WATER IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU JUST DON'T HAVE.
Same goes for seawater.
WARNING
: DO NOT DRINK SEAWATER. THE REASON BEING IT TAKES A GREAT DEAL OF WATER TO FLUSH OUT THE SALT FROM YOUR SYSTEM, MORE WATER THAN YOU GET FROM DRINKING THE SEAWATER IN FACT â I.E. POINTLESS.
REMEMBER:
Someone has to take charge and allocate tasks and chores. Take turns, keep occupied. You are more likely to survive a disaster if you keep your mind and body active, and stay calm.
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WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE ALONE IN THE WILDERNESS AND HAVE NO CLUE WHERE YOU ARE
The boat was a total wreck and Ruby had been lucky to make it to shore at all. âI'm here,' she had groaned as she'd crawled out of the water, her sodden sweater weighing her down, her waterlogged sneakers oozing icy cold.
But where was here exactly? She hadn't the faintest clue, but right now this wasn't at the forefront of her mind: surviving the night was.
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First off buster: You need to think clearly and leave the panicking to people who don't know any better. Don't worry too much about where you are. Worry about surviving. This is where the STOP rule comes in. Stand still. Orientate. Take stock of your surroundings. Make a
plan
.
Sometimes, of course, things turn against you.
Ruby could see from the dark clouds that there was a storm brewing and, just to emphasise this nasty reality, in the distance she heard the rumble of thunder.
Her clothes were already sodden from the swim â it wasn't like they could get any wetter â but the prospect of getting soaked all over again in a freezing downpour did nothing to lift her spirits. She had saved herself the trouble of drowning only to die of hypothermia.
In this rainy situation keeping warm is key and, if you're gonna keep warm, you need to dry off so you'll need shelter and a fire.
OK, so it's one thing gathering fuel, another lighting it with wet matches, and something else altogether to try and keep it all alight when you're about to get rained on by a serious cloud. But you've gotta try â you've gotta decide to survive.
So basically you've gotta
improvise
.
Ruby dragged what was left of her boat out of the water and across the shingle beach. The wood was far too wet to burn, but the bow of the boat would serve as a shelter so long as she faced it out of the wind's cruel bite.
But first she needed to get dry and warm. She shed her soaking knitwear; it would take an age to dry out and she would die of exposure before that happened. It was hard work finding and gathering the necessary fuel, but that was no bad thing: it helped her keep warm; it helped her focus. She had chosen a spot out of the wind underneath a small natural overhang reasonably sheltered from the inevitable rain.
Once the fire was made and alight, she then began gathering branches, pushing them into the ground around the upturned boat wreck. Then, using her penknife, she cut some fir tree branches and tied them to her existing framework. Before long she had made a makeshift shelter, reasonably dry and fairly windproof. It wasn't going to be a pleasant night, but she would at least wake to welcome the dawn.
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EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE, you can get into a whole lot of trouble. Here's what to do if you find yourself on the wrong side of Lady Luck.
WARNING:
DON'T STRUGGLE: IT WILL ONLY MAKE YOU SINK FASTER.
The first thing you gotta know about quicksand is that, contrary to what old movies say, you will not sink further than your waist
so long
as you don't start flapping about. If you do then things will get more serious as you displace the water and make the sand denser, and so make it that much harder for you to get your feet free.
REMEMBER:
You are not gonna drown in quicksand, buster. No, you are much more likely to die of thirst or exposure. If you know someone's gonna be along shortly to pull you out of there then relax, but if not then you better get on with rescuing yourself.
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What you gotta do is lie back and allow yourself to float â the human body is less dense than quicksand so floats easily. The more of your body that lies on top of the water, the better chance you have of freeing your feet.
Think slow motionâ¦
The key to freeing yourself is to move very slowly and very gently. Make small circular movements with your feet. No sudden freak-outs. Your aim is to gradually get your whole body to float. Then make tiny circular movements with your hands and paddle yourself to the edge where you can hopefully grab onto something and slither out.
When walking in an area where there is likely to be quicksand, carry a long strong stick. Use it to feel your way. If you fall into quicksand then it can also be used to free you.
REMEMBER:
A lot of survival advice means going against human instinct: which makes you wonder what we have these instincts for.
Where's the fire?â¦
The first clue might just be a plume of smoke in the distance â it might seem like a long way away, but that can change pretty quick. Once you see ash and embers raining down, it could be too late.
If you can get outta there before the fire moves your way then this should be your first course of action. Don't hang around taking in the spectacle â fire travels fast and a change in the wind can mean it's headed in your direction.
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Factsâ¦
Forest fires travel uphill faster than they travel downhill.
Forest fires move faster depending on the strength of the wind.
You obviously want to move in the opposite direction to the fire, but if you find yourself on the wrong side of it â i.e. it's coming towards you â this is easier said than done.
REMEMBER:
Don't panic! STOP. Stand still. Look around you and assess the situation.
What you're looking for is a natural firebreak: this might be a road, a river, a lake or a rocky area with not much vegetation. If you're lucky enough to find such a spot, put this area between you and the fire.
Mission accomplished?
NO, whatever you do, keep moving bozo: this is not the time to breathe a sigh of relief. If you do, you're likely to get a lungful of smoke â you are not outta the woods yet. Keep on moving away from the blaze as fast as you can. A firebreak might slow the fire down, but it won't necessarily stop it dead.
What to do if you're all outta luckâ¦
No firebreak in sight? Well, your instinct will quite naturally be to run because who wants to hang around getting burnt to a crisp? But unless you can be sure to run at a steady fourteen miles an hour you wanna think of a better plan.
REMEMBER:
THINK SIDEWAYS.
What you can do is make your own firebreak by fighting fire with fire.
So the forest fire is travelling towards you and there's no way out⦠this is what you do, and it might seem crazy:
set fire to the scrub behind you
.
WARNING
: DO NOT LIGHT A FIRE IN FRONT OF YOU (UPWIND OF YOU) BECAUSE IT WILL BE MOVING TOWARDS YOU AND YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF TRAPPED AND IN A WORSE STATE THAN THE ONE YOU WERE ALREADY IN.
No, instead, light your fire
downwind
of you so that it travels away from you in the direction of the wind. Once the fire you have set has moved on, you can then run into this burnt-out area. By the time the main forest fire reaches you, it will have nothing to burn and you should be safe inside your firebreak.
REMEMBER:
The ground underfoot may be very hot.
WARNING
: ONLY TAKE THIS VERY DANGEROUS COURSE OF ACTION IF YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY DESPERATE OR YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING. IT IS A LAST RESORT.
Another last resortâ¦
This is what you should do: get low, because heat rises. Find a ditch or, failing that, dig a trench no matter how shallow and lie face down on the forest floor. Cover your coat in earth and then pull the earth-covered coat over you, trying not to leave any bare skin exposed. Then wait for the fire to pass. If you're lucky, the earth both under and over you will protect you from the heat and the flames.
It goes without saying that if there's water around then submerge yourself in it rather than chancing the method above.
Suddenly Ruby's surfboard was snatched from under her and she was flipped up, flung backwards and tumbled inside the same giant turquoise wave that moments earlier had been carrying her so skilfully to shore.
She felt its tremendous power as it swirled her down into the ocean, her body tugged towards the seabed and her limbs wrenched in all directions. The noise pounding in her six-year-old ears was disorientating: she couldn't see, she couldn't breathe, she was drowning.
Then the wave released her, pushed her back through the water, and she was returned to her own element, spluttering and gasping for air. She glanced around for her board, but it was way off in the distance being tumbled and tossed by the breakers. She struck out for shore, but with every stroke she took she found herself further from land.
She was caught in a rip current.
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This was a tricky situation because I was so young and at that time not very strong, but luckily I had read about these kinds of currents in my encyclopaedia. People sometimes call them rip tides, but they don't have anything to do with the tide: they're usually formed at a break in the sandbar beneath the water, when waves coming towards the beach are forced back, through the break, out to sea.
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Contrary to popular belief, they don't pull you under either â they just pull you out with them.
Rip currents are still dangerous though because they want to carry you off out to sea and your natural urge is to resist this by swimming against them. You will never win. If you continue to fight the current, you will tire and eventually (without rescue) you'll be fish food buster.