Read Hang In There Bozo Online
Authors: Lauren Child
Hang In There Bozo (8 page)
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Don't be surprised if you feel a little bit wobbly after this encounter â it's perfectly natural.
So you're walking back from the store happily stuffing candy into your mouth when you're confronted by an angry dog.
Angry dogs are dangerous dogs.
Never look an angry dog in the eye. Never turn your back on an angry dog and for jeepers sake never run away. You wanna keep the animal in your sights without looking directly at it and without showing you're either scared stupid or up for a fight. Easier said than done.
Try and look confident â hey, you can even yawn like you couldn't care less.
How do you know if the dog is angry? Well, check its tail. If the tail is standing up, that pooch might just be furious. If it's low and moving from side to side, you're probably OK.
Now take a peek at Fido's mouth. Are his lips back, his teeth bared and his ears forward?
Bad sign.
Ears back? This is a little better: chances are he's scared and ready to protect himself, but won't just attack you for no reason.
You're pretty sure the dog IS angry? OK, try these tips:
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Lick your lips.
Dogs send calming signals to other dogs by licking their noses â now you know this, you will notice it all the time! If you can lick your lips really obviously, it will show that you're not a threat.
Yawn.
I wasn't kidding about this. A person or a dog who is yawning is not a person or a dog who is spoiling for a fight â so it will send a signal that you're not aggressive. And possibly that you're sleepy.
Back away,
without looking the dog in the eye.
Best of all: back away while yawning and licking your lips.
I'm serious here buster.
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In many ways dealing with an angry individual is very like dealing with an angry dog. So the same basic advice applies to managing this particular situation.
HOW TO SIDESTEP AN ANGRY INDIVIDUAL
First off, if at all possible, avoid them! Sometimes this is not so easy since angry people are often spoiling for a fight. If the avoidance method is not available to you: let 'em talk â just make soothing noises and calming gestures.
WARNING:
DO NOT TRY AND ARGUE WITH THEM: EVEN REASONING CAN BE RISKY IF THEY ARE VERY MAD.
Work hard to appear like you're interested in their ranting and are really taking on board their grievances and general tiresome moaning.
Be careful not to sound patronising or afraid: this only makes a mad person madder; it's an indication to them that they are coming across as unreasonable and this infuriates them further.
WARNING:
DO NOT LOOK LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO GET OUTTA THERE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.
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ADVICE:
Get outta there as fast as possible.
Mr Parker, our neighbour, is a very angry person and even a friendly hello can put a crimp in his day. My dad always says, âWave and walk on by.' Pretty good advice coming from the world's friendliest man.
Sometimes, though, you just can't avoid a confrontation with such an individual. In that case, my advice is: lie like crazy.
Vapona Bugwart had got a hold of Clancy Crew's math book; she was throwing it up in the air to her sidekick the nasty Gemma Melamare. They were enjoying themselves until they saw the school bus coming.
âGotta split,' sneered Vapona, then tossed the book as high as she could and flung it right over Mr Parker's fence.
Clancy stood motionless.
âOh brother!' he moaned. The last thing he felt like doing was coming face to face with Mr Parker, but on the other hand the very last thing he felt like doing was explaining to his dad how he hadn't been able to do his math homework because some girl had thrown it into some guy's yard.
He took a deep breath and scaled the fence adjoining Mr Parker's house: it was a brave move, but the thing was he could see his math book lying there in the midst of Mr Parker's roses, and there was no sign of Mr Parker himself. The coast was clear: if he was quick, no one would see.
However, just as Clancy reached the rose bed, he felt a nasty tug to his ear.
âWhat are you doing in my yard sonny?' Mr Parker was beside himself; he looked just about ready to call the cops. Clancy was in a lot of pain and all out of explanations. Lucky for him that's when Ruby Redfort showed up.
âDid you catch it Clance?' she wheezed, as if she had been running.
Clancy stared at her. He had no idea what she was talking about. âUh⦠umm?' he said.
Clancy was looking at Ruby out of the corner of his eye, trying to catch her drift; his ear was still being tightly held by Mr Parker.
MR PARKER:
âCatch what? What are you kids up to?'
RUBY:
âOh, hi there Mr Parker.' Ruby was looking around her, concerned but confident. âYou see,' she continued, her palms upturned in a sort of “trust me” gesture, âClancy saw a giant rodent run into your rose bushes; my father says they play havoc with roses and are always chewing up his and just give 'em two seconds and, well, you can forget about winning that best-in-show rose award if you know what I'm saying. Thank goodness Clancy was there; he practically flew over your fence when he saw it, didn't you Clance?'
CLANCY:
â...Yeah? ... Oh... uh huh.'
RUBY:
âClance just hates those giant rodents, don't you Clance?'
CLANCY:
âHate 'em.'
RUBY:
âClance is a real rose appreciator.'
Mr Parker let go of Clancy's ear and cocked his head to one side as if he was considering what Ruby had said. Clancy backed away slowly and, while Ruby continued to make calming conversation, he retrieved his book. Mr Parker had his eyes fixed on Ruby and didn't see. Ruby's eyes were looking towards the house, away from Clancy; she looked casual, relaxed.
âMy dad uses rodent wire to prevent the critters getting anywhere near his roses, but when you have roses as fantastical as yours, I imagine even rodent wire doesn't keep 'em away.'
Mr Parker looked pleased: he liked the idea of rodents being attracted to his roses.
CLANCY:
âI'm afraid I didn't catch it. I think it went into the Smithersons' yard. I better go and warn them.'
Mr Parker disliked the Smithersons even more than he disliked school kids so he couldn't help looking pleased about this.
Ruby yawned. âWe better get going now Mr Parker.' She walked in a loop around him and he watched them go; he just stood there unsure what he should think, the anger gone, and then he sat back down on his deckchair a tad bewildered.
Ruby and Clancy had been trekking for several hours; the moon was full and casting an eerie glow over the craggy mountain tops. The clouds dragged slowly across the sky and, apart from the sliding of loose stones underfoot, the night was quiet.
Neither of them spoke as they made their way quickly but carefully down the rocky escarpment; they didn't speak a word until they entered the dense pine forest that circled the mountain's edge. The trees stood tall and straight and perfectly still.
They came to a stop and looked around them. The silence was broken by a howl that echoed through the forest and reached far into the night.
âDid you hear that?' said Clancy, his voice full of alarm.
âWolves,' said Ruby.
âWolves? Did you say wolves?' said Clancy. âI have a thing about wolves.'
âYou have a thing about most things,' replied Ruby, marching ahead.
âI know but I have a particular thing about wolves,' he continued.
âOh yeah, and what particular thing is that?' said Ruby.
âI particularly don't like them,' said Clancy.
âI expect they feel the same way about you,' said Ruby.
âBut they aren't scared of me,' shivered Clancy.
âYeah, well, I wouldn't let on if I were you; wolves are good at identifying the weak and vulnerable.'
âNow I'm really scared,' said Clancy, looking into the dark forest. âPeople always identify me as weak and vulnerable.'
âClance, wolves don't usually attack humans⦠well, not unless the wolves in question have rabies.'
âIs that meant to help?' said Clancy, looking at her in disbelief.
âIt's highly unlikely they have the disease, not here,' Ruby reassured him. âNo, these ones are more likely to attack because they see kids, particularly scared kids, as an easy meal ticket.'
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