HAPPY PANTS CAFE (THE HAPPY PANTS SERIES) (20 page)

“Shoo! Shoo!” Harper said to the crowd. “Show’s over, you peeping—Juan!”

“I think it’s Tom.” Austin looked over his shoulder at Harper. Next to her stood Juan. “Oh, hey, Juan. How are you?” Austin asked, trying and failing at playing it cool.

Juan smiled at him. “I am doing fantastic—nice show, by the way. I came by to run some errands for Luci. One of which requires Harper’s help. Looks like you saved me the hassle of tracking her down.”

“You need my help?” Harper asked.

Juan smiled at Harper as if he wanted to eat her up.
Asshole.

“Yes. It’s very important. But I understand if you have,” he glanced at Austin, “other more urgent plans.”

“Uh…” Harper glanced at Austin as if apologizing.

Seriously, she wants to leave? Now?

Damned Harper. So typical.

Austin nodded at her. “Go ahead.”

“Are you sure? Because I could meet up with Juan after we…” She hesitated.

Was the woman insinuating that she wanted to “be” with him and then would run off with Juan afterwards to do some errands? Did she not understand what was happening between them or what sleeping together would mean to him?

You heard the woman, she doesn’t believe in romance or love or…Why the fucking hell do I keep sounding like a whiny chick!

“No. It’s fine. I’ll just go and…” He was about to say that he’d stay put and see who came out of the private event at the café, but the sign was down. “Did you just come from that party?” Austin asked Juan.

“Party? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“There was a sign up a few minutes ago that said there was a private event,” Harper said.

“Oh. That. It was safety awareness training for the employees. Luci puts up the sign to keep the customers out.”

“Oh.” Harper looked at Austin as if she was thinking the same thing as him: where had all of those celebs gone, then? It was fishy, to say the least.

In any case, he wasn’t going to get any answers strolling down the street with his giant erection. He just wished Harper wouldn’t leave. He wished she would choose him over whatever work-related scheme was going on inside her head.

Oh great. Even worse. Now you sound like goddamned Libby. “Why don’t you want
meeeee?”

He felt his dick deflate like a balloon with a nickel-sized hole.
Oh, hey. That trick will come in handy.

“See you later.” Austin jerked his head at the two and headed for his car.

~~

When Juan and Harper pulled up to the farmhouse six hours later, she was absolutely certain that something fishy was going on. The “urgent errand” Juan had said she needed to do with him had consisted of buying party supplies at Costco, about an hour away, and stopping at the caterer’s to confirm the menu for Saturday’s party. (Seriously? A thousand people were coming?) And going by the police station to give Alberto some forms he needed for permits to have armed security present at the event. Of course, when Harper asked what sort of event required armed bodyguards, Juan and Alberto simply told her that one never knew when a gang might show up and cause trouble.

“Yes. Because St. Helena is definitely known for its gang violence. They just roll in with their limos and start tasting wine, mixing reds and whites. It’s crazy,” she’d said facetiously.

They’d both looked at her as if she was mad. Why didn’t anyone ever get her humor? Well, Austin did.

And he almost got the rest of you, too.

What the hell had that been, anyway? He’d just grabbed and mauled her with his mouth as if making a statement: he wasn’t going to put up with her garbage. He wasn’t going to allow her to push him away like she’d done back at the vineyard.
And you goddamned like it! Really, really liked it.
She might’ve even let him go to second base right there on the sidewalk if he hadn’t stopped. That’s how entranced she’d felt being in his arms and pressed up against his body. It was like nothing she’d ever experienced in her entire life. Getting lost in another person. Letting go of her control. She’d felt as though her insides had liquefied, and she’d no longer cared about anything but his touch. She’d wanted him so badly, but it wasn’t just sex…it felt like…like…she didn’t know. She just knew that gravity had nothing on Austin. Nothing. Because gravity wasn’t sexy and didn’t make her woman parts tingle with sinful need. Gravity didn’t make her want to commit illicit acts in public. Gravity didn’t make her heart ache with joy and hope. Gravity couldn’t make a person see a future full of happiness and passion.
Gravity, move over! There’s a new cosmic force in town.

But then, like a sign from the universe, all of those people came out of nowhere, completely jolting her from the moment. That’s when the panic set in again. It was just like earlier that day at the vineyard when she’d felt like her body was being taken over by some force of nature completely foreign to her.

Then Juan had told her he needed her—the perfect excuse to retreat once again so she could digest everything—and the rest was history. Austin hadn’t even put up a fight. Of course, he had seemed a bit terrified because he was displaying his “feelings” in public. But still, it was clear she was rowing the “freak out” love-canoe all by herself. Not that she was in love. Because “true” love didn’t exist, and canoes made from love were just as fictional.

Juan shut off the engine, and the interior lights of the truck flipped on. He glanced at her with his big brown eyes. “Thank you for all your help today. I don’t think I could’ve managed without you.”

“It was nothing, really.”

Juan leaned over and grabbed Harper for a kiss.

She pulled away abruptly. “What was that?”

“A kiss. I see the way you look at me, and I like it.”

Harper scrambled from the truck, livid.

“I don’t mind if you see other men,” he called out. “I just want to have sex with you. I don’t do relationships, anyway.”

Ick
. “I think you’ve got the wrong impression.”

He looked at her over the hood of the truck. “Reading women is my specialty. Don’t be ashamed because you want my flesh. Many women do. It is only natural to have animalistic feelings and needs when you see a body like this one.”

She wanted to scratch his eyes out. Was that animalistic enough? “Uh. Yeah. No.”

“You want me; don’t be embarrassed.”

The only thing she wanted was to see Austin and talk about what had happened. “I’ll see you later, Juan. Have a good night.”

She marched toward the house in search of Austin, but when she entered, she found the family gathered around the dining room table, engaged in a heated debate. Austin was nowhere to be found.

“Hi there.” The room of Parker-Leons instantly silenced and then stared at her blankly.
Strange.
“Good evening. Sorry to interrupt, but has anyone seen Austin? I really need to talk to him.”

Ms. Luci rose from the table, flashing angry glances at everyone. “He is out back, dear. Speaking with his fiancée.”

Harper’s heart tripped and stumbled. “Sorry?”

Ms. Luci looked down at her hands remorsefully. “He is on the back porch with Libby. His fiancée.”

“But they broke up, didn’t they?”

“Apparently not, my dear.”

Harper felt her face turn WTF-red. Austin had lied to her? She stormed off toward the back porch through the kitchen. When she opened the back door, she saw all she needed: Austin kissing some redheaded woman with long hair. “Nice, Austin. Real nice.”

She heard Austin say her name as he chased after her, but she was in her car before he could catch up. She didn’t stop until she arrived at her apartment in San Francisco.

See, Harp. Love is a sham. Whatever you felt for Austin was just some hormonal response. True love doesn’t exist.

~~

The next morning, Harper’s cell vibrated like an angry bee on her nightstand, jolting her awake for the second day in a row. She peeled her tear-encrusted face from the pillow and looked at the tiny screen. Six missed calls from a number she didn’t recognize. However, the caller ID in this moment displayed “Zel.”

“Hello?” Harper ground out her words.

“Jesus, Harper. What were you thinking?” Zel’s voice was full of concern.

“I wasn’t. I was sleeping.”

“Funny. You’re real damned funny. Have you looked at the
Enquirer
this morning?”

“I try not to read tabloids before coffee. Why?”

“There is a picture of you,” she said, clearly hesitant to deliver this news, “and the caption says, and I quote, ‘
SF Tribune
reporter has sex in broad daylight on downtown St. Helena sidewalk.”

What!
“What!”

“Yes. And with the angle of the picture, it looks like you were enjoying it.”

No. No. Nooo…Why me?

“Zel, I was not having sex on the sidewalk. We were making out in a very provocative way that may have involved some pelvic grinding, but that’s all, I promise.”

Oh. That didn’t come out sounding much better.

“Harper, honey,” she groaned into the phone, “I can’t believe I have to do this, but…I have to fire you.”

“Zel, you can’t—”

“It was Dan’s call and, surprisingly, it has nothing to do with this, although I’m sure it didn’t help. He said he got a call from the
Oakland Examiner,
and someone told him that you were helping one of their reporters get an exclusive story.”

“That’s a lie.”

“I know, Harper. I know. I tried to talk him out of it, but there is no seeing reason with that man.”

“But who would have called him?” Harper asked.

“I don’t know, but Dan blacklisted you. I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”

“I’m sorry, too.” But at least Zel was keeping her job and wouldn’t be blacklisted, so that was a silver lining. “I’ll call you later, okay?” Harper ended the call and stared at the ceiling of her bedroom. It was over. Over. She’d lost her dream job.

Her phone rang again, and it was that same number she didn’t recognize. “Hello?”

“Harper, it’s me, Austin.”

“What do you want?”

“We need to talk. Can I come see you?”

She wanted to yell at him and tell him what a giant prick he was for lying to her about Libby, but pride suppressed the outburst. She couldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing how badly he’d hurt her.

“I’m actually busy today. Something urgent came up.”

“So you’re not coming back to the farm?”

“Uh. Well…I’ve been let go from my paper.”

“Shit. You’re kidding me,” he said.

“I am afraid not. But it kind of works out nicely, don’t you think? You get that story, and I get to pursue my true purpose. Nothing’s holding me back now.”
Why the hell did I just say that?

“What are you talking about? What purpose?”

Yeah, Harper. What
are
you talking about?
“I’m going to write a book about love,” she decided on the fly.

“Love?”

“Yes,” she said. “I’m going to write about how people have been brainwashed into believing a biological need to procreate has cosmic significance. Thank you, by the way, for providing the material for my first two chapters.”

“Harper—”

“Oh, don’t worry. I’m grateful. You opened my eyes when I was nine to the fact that everlasting, romantic, swoon-type love is fictional. I’m grateful that I didn’t have to walk through life with my head up my ass, believing in some ridiculous fairytale. It’s liberating. Did you know that I thought that I loved you? But here’s the kicker, I saw you kiss someone else, and it was gone. Just like that. Which means it wasn’t real.”

Oddly, as she said those words, two distinctive memories meshed together: the one of him kissing Becky, and the other of him kissing Libby. She felt like an old scab had been knocked off, and it disturbed her to feel so emotionally vulnerable.

“I think you’ve lost your mind, Harper. I think you’re angry because of Libby, and now you’ve lost your job. I think you’re making this shit up because you’re afraid, but if you would liste—”

“Afraid? Of what?”

“Of taking a risk. Of being hurt. Or maybe you’re just afraid to admit you’re wrong.”

Preposterous!
“I’m not afraid of anything. And I’m definitely not afraid of being wrong. I’m wrong all the time. I embrace my wrongness. I eat wrong for breakfast and sprinkle it on my salads!”
I’m eating wrong right now as we speak, because I was wrong about you!
“But I’m right about this. Romantic love is a joke.”

“All right. Then let’s wager.”

“Wager?”

“Yeah. A bet. I can prove I’m right. Love—the squishy, corny, wishy-washy kind—exists.”

“Funny. And how do you intend to prove that? Are you going to have your fiancée tell me all about how in love you two are? Maybe she can recite a sonnet about her deep love for you while you stick your tongue deep in her mouth right after you’ve had it in mine. That will convince me.”