Have a New Husband by Friday (3 page)

According to an article in
USA Today,
42 percent of couples under 30 don’t consult each other on major purchases (and that includes cars). If the husband wants it, he gets it. If the wife wants it, she gets it. (Interestingly, a third of those 65 or older say they share decision making in most major areas.)
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No wonder so many married couples today are in the thick of financial troubles.

Yet in the midst of all this struggle for power in a unisex society, guess who rules the roost? No doubt, it’s you women! And surprisingly, men aren’t putting up a fight about it. Women have the upper hand at home, says another
USA Today
article:

Of 1,260 individuals surveyed in four areas of decision-making in the typical American home, women had the final say in 43% of couples—almost twice that of men. . . .

Megan Murphy, director of the marriage and family therapy program at Iowa State University-Ames, . . . [says,] “There’s a myth out there that men are the heads of households and make the decisions, and that’s it, but real life isn’t like that, from what I see.”
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Do you really want to be “the same” as your husband? Or do you want a guy who will see you as his equal partner in life—not the same as him but treasured because of how your differences work so well and excitingly together? He’ll be the kind of husband who seeks you out for your brains and asks you what you think because he doesn’t fear your judgment. He’ll be the kind of husband who does anything for you. He’ll take the garbage out (without being asked). He’ll watch the kids so you can have a night off with your girlfriends. He’ll be the companion you’ve always dreamed of—someone who listens to you, appreciates your intellect and ideas, and adores you. And that man who loves you will stick around for a lifetime. He’ll be your knight in shining armor. He’ll be your soul mate.

Now, isn’t
that
really what you want, when it comes right down to it?

So why not, for the remainder of this book, throw out any preconceived notions you have about who should do what in your home and who isn’t doing what, and get to know this creature you’ve married? I promise you, it will be worth your while.

Guess who rules the roost? No doubt, it’s you women! And surprisingly, men aren’t putting up a fight about it.

A Line in the Sand

Over the past several decades, society has been cleverly defining men’s roles. The new “sensitive” man is supposed to be able to read a woman’s mind (somehow picking up on a woman’s intuition) and prefer to spend an evening and prefer to spend cuddling and talking.

An evening of cuddling and talking is about as unnatural for a man as it is for a fish to climb a tree. When men get together, we talk about our jobs, the bills, the weather, the stock market, and the local sports team—anything that’s one step removed from us. When a buddy tells us his wife just had a baby, we congratulate him, but usually we don’t ask, “So how much did the baby weigh? . . . Nine pounds? Are you kidding me? That’s a huge baby! Now, how long was the baby? . . . Twenty-two inches? The size of a nice walleye! Okay, tell me about the labor—how many hours?” That’s just not the way men think or talk. In fact, we’d probably forget to ask if it was a boy or a girl unless the proud daddy volunteers the information.

Men are physical beings. We’re
attracted
to the physical. Here’s what I mean. Think of the man you most admire and trust who’s not a relative. Now put yourself in a situation where you meet this man socially. I can guarantee you something—in less than one-fifth of a second, this man has checked you out from your toes to your head and
all
major spots in between. Don’t believe me? Ask your husband.

How to Think Differently

1. Assess the current situation.

2. What would you normally say? Is this helpful or harmful to your goal of having a new husband by Friday?

3. Before you say a word, make the commitment to respond differently.

4. Pair your verbal response with the body language to back it up.

If we’re honorable men, we won’t mentally undress you. We won’t imagine doing things with you that should be done only with our wives. But we
will
notice you. That’s the way males are wired. We don’t mean to offend you. We can learn not to leer or to make crude remarks. But most of us do look.

So, on behalf of all men everywhere, I’m drawing a line in the sand. I’m not going to any more Tupperware parties. I won’t eat quiche. I won’t apologize for thinking that sex and football are two of the Almighty’s and man’s greatest inventions (respectively). I might even stop this afternoon at a red light and spit out the window.

I’m sick of getting in touch with my “feminine self.” I like the masculine part just fine, thank you very much. There are some parts of my masculine body that I’m completely enamored with and proud of.

So that’s the truth. What am I hoping to accomplish by telling you all this? I’ll state it simply: don’t fault your man for being a man. Testosterone has its advantages. How else do you think we get those mayonnaise jars open? But with the advantages of being a male also come the “disadvantages” that can drive women crazy. For instance, males think about sex far more than you realize—or maybe care to know. (If you do, it’s 33 times more than you do.) We can never catch up with you in the sheer volume of words you produce; we’re simply not capable of all that speech.

Boys have wildly different attention spans than girls. They prefer to look at objects for shorter (but more active) periods of time.

Don’t fault your man for being a man. Testosterone has its advantages. How else do you think we get those mayonnaise jars open?

They’re more intense and far more quickly bored. Their brains are wired to need to move more rapidly from object to object in space. That also means they take in less sensory information than girls do. (Hmm, perhaps that explains why your husband didn’t notice your new haircut . . . until six months later.) They have three times more reading difficulties than girls and often develop their verbal skills almost a year later than girls.
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Men are different, and we
like
being different. I like not having to gather a group of reinforcements to back me up so I can visit the men’s room in a restaurant. I’m perfectly happy going there by myself. And I’m sure
you’re
perfectly happy being able to watch a television show without continually surfing all the other channels just to see what’s on.

The Biggest Secret of All

But here’s the biggest secret of all that you need to know about your husband. I’ve even asked the designers of the book to put it in bigger type so you don’t miss it, since this fact is so very important.

He
wants
to be a good husband.

He
wants
to please you.

But he doesn’t know how to do that.

He needs your help.

Surprised? I bet you are. Every bit of what I said is true. Even if you’ve been married ten years, that man of yours is still learning.

You see, he’s spent X number of years being a man, but before that he was a little boy. When he first found out he liked girls, he figured out the best way to get that special girl’s attention was to shove her or punch her shoulder. At least, that’s how ten-year-old boys act, because that’s the only way they know how to relate.

Boys are physical from the get-go. If you don’t have sons and don’t already know this to be true, just go sit at a playground sometime and watch children play. Make your own observations. Do you see girls tackling each other, jumping on each other’s backsides, or wrestling balls away from each other as they roll on the ground? Nope. There also isn’t a man on this earth who hasn’t had a peeing contest with his buddies as he was growing up. Just ask your husband.

Boys and girls play and act differently. They are very distinct creatures as they grow up, and they continue to be those same distinct creatures in marriage. In the next chapter we’ll talk more about that male creature, your husband, and how he got to be the way he is. But for now, suffice it to say that men are very elementary. They respond to the simple things of life. They respond to the simple things of life. They respond to the power of touch. They respond to words that, for lack of a better term, build up their ego and make them feel important. This is especially important to men in today’s milieu, which is busily tearing them down. These days, when a woman approaches a man in a positive way, you bet he takes notice!

Most men function as an island, not connected to anything. Each day they go to work or work from home, fulfilling their role to help provide for their family. They live in their own private world, not emotionally connected with doesn’t think about those things. I tell her about them, but that doesn’t have the same weight.

What to Do on Monday

1. Throw your expectations of your man out the window.

2. Evaluate: How is he like you? Different from you?

3. Think back. What attracted you to your husband in the first place? Make a list of those qualities.

So when you believe your husband might not be thinking about anything, he’s actually thinking very heavily about your future outside your home. He’s not thinking about how to decorate the bedroom, where to go to get your daughter new shoes, what kind of salad dressing to put on the grocery list. He might be thinking about a statement his boss made at work about potential 5 percent cuts in salaries in order to keep the company afloat, and strategizing ahead of time about how to cut your own family’s expenses as a result. He doesn’t want to tell you yet, though, until he has it all figured out, because that’s what males do. They’re wired to problem solve.

Lest your hackles rose when I used examples of what you thought of as “domestic chores,” here’s a case in point. Recently I asked five women—two were stay-at-home moms, one worked part-time from home, and the other two worked outside the home full-time—what they think about during lunch. You know what? Each of those women listed multiple to-do items, and nearly all of those items had to do with domestic responsibilities: pick up the dry cleaning, shop for groceries, figure out where to go on vacation, find a carpet cleaner that really works, buy new shoes for Sally, etc. Although one of those “in the workplace” women was a corporate CEO and the other was a bank VP, they weren’t thinking about their jobs during lunch. They were trying to juggle what they needed to get done at home and make a plan.

Now, I ask you, would any guy think about all those things during lunch? No, because males are wired to be singularly focused. That’s why when you throw new information their way, you often get a “huh?” look. They’re deep into the world of whatever they’re thinking about and can’t quite climb out of the pit to process anything new at the moment.

When I give seminars about the differences between men and women, I often ask, “How many of you men know what you’re having for dinner tonight?” I get blank stares back. Not a single hand raises.

Next I ask the ladies. “How many of you know what you’re having for dinner tonight?” Nearly every single female hand in that audience goes up. I add, “And you probably already have the main dish cooking in the Crock-Pot, don’t you? Bet you’ve even planned to have color on the plate and to have every food group represented too.”

Everyone in the audience laughs. I’ve made my point loud and clear. You are the efficient multitaskers of the century. No wonder you scare the pants off us men sometimes. You are so efficient that we wonder if we’re needed in your world.

Women Talk

I never knew how much my husband needed me until I heard you talking about friendship. Then it hit me. Rob doesn’t have any personal friends—none. He’s not even close to his brother or his two sisters. He doesn’t talk to anyone—except for me. Wow. As you pointed out, that’s an awesome responsibility. Whoever thought about being a good friend to your husband? It made me realize that I have to let him know how much I need him in my life (I really do) and how much I respect him. I know I don’t always do it right, but my trying has made a difference. He’s not only coming home on time from work, but he just got a raise on the paycheck he brings home every two weeks. He’s been a salesperson, kind of middle-of-the-road in his sales, but all of a sudden his sales volume has leaped. He seems so much more confident.

Tina, Colorado

What Your Husband Really Wants from You

Men are simple creatures compared to you complex females.

There are only three things your husband desires from you, in this order:

1. He needs to be respected.

2. He needs to be needed.

3. He needs to be fulfilled.

He Needs to Be Respected

Respect is a huge issue for all human beings. But it is crucially important to men, especially in today’s society. With men being portrayed as buffoons, it’s no wonder so many slink into the background and become couch potatoes. (Though I certainly don’t condone or excuse their behavior, I also understand why it happens.) Look at it this way: you’re so good at everything you do that anything your guy does seems to pale in comparison. You can simultaneously change the baby, talk on the phone, kiss the baby’s cheek, and make a doctor’s appointment for your husband—all within the two minutes’ time it takes your husband just to find the phone directory for the doctor’s number.

At work, more and more of you are becoming doctors, lawyers, pilots, and CEOs. It’s no wonder. You’re marvelous whizzes at everything you do, and you can clean guys’ clocks in accomplishing so many things that you’re rising to the top easily.

Women Talk

I’ve gotten our family into some very serious financial difficulty because of my spending. My husband probably should have put his foot down years ago. In hearing you talk about how important it is to respect your husband, I was convicted. I’ ve been selfish and not respectful to my husband, who works very hard to support us and our girls. I’m not exaggerating. He would go around and turn off lights that I left on just because I didn’t want to bother turning them off. I finally apologized. I told him I was going to try to do better. I’ve never lived a disciplined life, but I’m finally trying to do so. I asked my husband to help me make a budget and bought some CDs from an author who specializes in finance.