He Comes Next (8 page)

Men also fantasize about being sexually irresistible. They fantasize about their seductive power and ability to overwhelm a reluctant woman through the power of their sexual magnetism. While women are generally the recipients of the male gaze, men, like women, are turned on by being looked at, admired, and desired. Women are often so sadly preoccupied with how they measure up to mainstream standards of feminine beauty and sexual appeal that they fail to recognize that men are likewise insecure about how they hold up to these same oppressive standards. The masochistic upshot of watching pornography for men is that it features men with gargantuan appendages, Herculean endurance, and the kind of cocky arrogance that, in real life, would result in a slap in the face,
not
a spank on the fanny.

Both sexes enjoy fantasies that center on domination and submission, as the giving over to sexual release is inherently predicated and fueled by the intoxicating principle of wielding control and letting go. (What other realm but sex offers such an enticingly open yet private playing ground?) Men are allegedly more likely to fantasize about being aggressors than women, but in my experience, all men have a secret desire to be dominated, and this is one of the keys to understanding and enhancing male pleasure. I’m not necessarily talking about incorporating cuffs and paddles into having sex, but simply allowing a man to experience the act of physical surrender, the alleviation of the pressure to perform, and the license to enjoy sensual and sexual release.

Of course, this letting go is anathema to the socialization of the Western male, who is raised never to lose control and never to show weakness, especially to a woman. I am convinced that if men were more honest with themselves and their partners about what they truly wanted, the desire to relinquish control and indulge in sensual pleasure free from inhibition and performance anxiety would easily trump ogling a couple of silicon cushions in sequin pasties.

That being said, where do our fantasies come from and how do we liberate ourselves from our fast-food fantasy fixes and explore what really makes us tick?

To begin, it’s important to understand that there are two basic forms of sexual fantasy: ones that spring from our own imaginations and others that are aroused by external sensory stimuli. Based on my informal surveys, I would say that women are more likely to rely on their own imaginations for erotic fodder (especially during masturbation), while the opposite often holds true for men, who go for prefabricated, visual image-based fantasy. But, again, necessity is the mother of invention. As I’ve said before, women have been fortunate in the sense that they have had no choice but to rely on their own imaginations, while men have been the hapless, easy targets of mass-market masturbatory material.

Psychologists commonly hold that, for both women and men, internal fantasies are drawn from our unique “love maps,” a term first coined in 1980 by Dr. John Money of Johns Hopkins University to describe “the sexual template expressed in every individual’s erotic fantasies and practices.” In other words, our love maps describe the subconscious blueprint of our erotic desires. The love map lies at the root of our sexual preferences, explaining why we prefer one physical type over another and influencing our sexual fantasies and practices. Each of us has a distinctive love map, as unique as a fingerprint, but there’s no real consensus on exactly how our love maps or sexual templates are formed.

Some say early childhood experiences and impressions shape our love maps (beginning with an unconscious tendency to seek out characteristics found in our opposite-sex parents). Fetishes also ostensibly derive from this source, an early association of an object or image with a sexual stirring becomes emblazoned into our sexual psyches.

Others believe that our early pubescent masturbation fantasies forge our love maps. Early experiences that result in sexual stimulation and orgasm are instinctively repeated.

Is it entirely circumstantial that a teenage boy first masturbates to a typical
Playboy
centerfold and is later drawn to busty blondes? This theory would argue that the image has been imprinted on his love map through the reward of orgasm. It also begs the question of whether the depiction of more realistic, natural women in pornography would result in greater sexual attraction to “real” women than to airbrushed, surgically altered models, thus helping men to escape from the fast-food fantasy fix once and for all.

Still others opine that emotional cravings and unconscious psychological needs inform the love map. An example is the guy or gal who gets off on being tied up and bound sometimes simply longs to be hugged and held close. Another is the sexual exhibitionist who had to clamor for parental attention as a child or the voyeur who grew up in a home devoid of intimacy and physical touch. It should come as little surprise that the male desire to be dominated often stems from growing up in a hypergendered household where the pressure to act like a man was ingrained from an early age.

All of these theories have merit, and, in my estimation, there is some truth to each. In the end, our love maps are most likely a dynamic, ever-evolving confluence of factors. Ironically, we often don’t know our own love maps, which is why the expression of fantasy, especially via internal triggers that spring from our imaginations is all the more crucial: It’s our only real way of knowing and sharing our sexual fingerprint.

This is why porn, particularly the ready-access of Internet porn, is such a personal bete noire: It’s not just the simplistic, erroneous view of female sexuality that bugs me, but the degree to which it creates dependence on external triggers that can both obscure and override the organic development of the love map.

A
S WE APPROACH
the end of Part I, it’s only apt that you now find yourself at the beginning of navigating the primordial mist of fantasy. Going forward, it’s up to you to stop succumbing to the fast-food fantasy fix and begin exploring your own and your partner’s unique sexual love maps and figuring out all the extraordinary, unpredictable ways the two connect and collide. Through this exciting and dynamic process of self-revelation, exploration, and discovery, you will find your mutual love map, a topography of fantasy and desire particular to you and your partner that can never be duplicated—and trust me, there’s enough depth in those crashing waters to support a lifetime of journeys over the shaky bridge.

Bon voyage!

L
ET’S TALK
techniques.

Part II of
He Comes Next
is comprised of two main sections: “Foreplay” and “Coreplay.”

Those of you who read
She Comes First
will remember that “coreplay” is a term I coined to recontextualize those acts commonly referred to as “foreplay,” which too often are trivialized as a mere prelude to “real sex,” or intercourse. It is my view that sexual pleasuring, such as oral and manual stimulation, should be embraced as self-contained features of a dynamic, ever-evolving sexual menu. We need to
move away
from a scripted approach to lovemaking and
move toward
a concept of mutual pleasuring that is achievable through a broad spectrum of fluid activities, with none deemed hierarchically superior to the other. Only then can we keep sex from becoming boring and predictable and ensure that our behavior is wholly attuned to our partner’s unique love map.

In Part I, we examined the construction of male desire and arousal. Now we will look at ways to harness, stimulate, and gratify those desires. We will journey chapter by chapter through the full arc of the male sexual response: desire, arousal, plateau, orgasm, and resolution—and connect thought with action. So, grab your galoshes and buckle your seatbelts because we’re in for one hell of a ride.

Before we begin this exciting adventure, here are a few guiding principles from Part I to keep in mind.

W
HEN YOU’RE SICK
and laid up in bed, very often the first thing to go is the appetite. Sometimes that takes the form of not eating at all, while other times it translates into scarfing down whatever the hell happens to be lying around without regard to taste or nutritional value.

It stands to reason that hunger for sex functions along similar principles. If your guy isn’t sexually healthy, he is more likely to skip “meals” altogether or mechanically address his baseline needs in the least exertive, most efficient means possible. His desire for a gourmet, several course meal will dwindle to the mindless consumption of a power bar in front of the computer—not much of a hungry man (so to speak).

In his book on male sexual health,
The Hardness Factor
, Dr. Steven Lamm cites a British study in which men who reported having three or more orgasms per week experienced a 50 percent reduction in heart attacks and strokes compared to those who had sex less frequently. Lamm’s book was inspired by the correlations he made in his own practice between the diminished erectile quality of his male patients and conditions such as obesity, high cholesterol, hypertension, depression, sleep disorders, diabetes, and heart disease: “On the surface, it looks as though the principal message of this study is that having sex reduces the incidence of heart attack and stroke and lets you live longer. In fact, just the opposite is true:
being healthy allows you to have as much sex as you want
.”

So, Is Your Guy Sexually Fit?

Ask a woman if she is “fit to f**k” and she will tell you straight away to what extent the state of her body impacts and impairs her sexual state of mind. Fat, skinny, fatigued, out of shape, dehydrated, you name it: Women know and understand all
too
well how their sense of physical well-being influences their level of desire. For men, however, much of this is virgin territory. While today, more than ever, men worry about their weight and fitness, their focus tends to be more superficial. If it looks okay on the outside, they’re good to go. And because most men tend to have sex with their penises instead of their whole bodies and minds, they often measure their sexual health by the inch, i.e., by how well they can get it up, keep it up, and get it off, even if it requires a little porn or a pill to make that happen. But to have truly embodied and ultimately out-of-body sex, a man has to become more attuned to his entire body, head to head and nape to toe.

So before you embark on your lifelong sexual journey, here are some questions to consider regarding his fitness for long-term travel.

Does he exercise?
Regular aerobic workouts keep the blood flowing and the arteries producing nitric oxide. Nitric oxide is the life blood (literally) of the male erection and is essential to sexual arousal. To that end, you’d be amazed how many guys tell me that they often feel their horniest post-exercise. Says Steve, a real estate broker in New York City, “Running the Central Park reservoir is like foreplay with myself. Pushing myself physically gets me juiced-up, and then I want to channel all that energy into sex. It’s like the workout before the workout.” Says Peter, a psychologist in Tulsa, Oklahoma, “I feel at my most alive when I’m pushing myself physically during a workout, and, consequently, I feel at my most alive sexually when I make love right after a workout.”

These observations aren’t surprising: Not only is overall vascularity heightened during aerobic exercise, but also feel-good endorphins that contribute to sexual arousal are released. So next time he heads off to the gym, tell him to wait on the shower until he gets home. Then you can really get his heart pumping with some steamy shower sex!

Exercise also plays a major role in generating positive self-esteem, perhaps the most powerful sexual enhancer. Women aren’t the only ones to suffer from diminished desire due to insecurity about fitness and physical appearance. You wouldn’t believe how many men suffer from poor body image. And as women know all too well, low self-esteem dampens sexual desire.

On a personal note, I was way over my ideal weight about three years ago, and I was basically stuck in a low-level sex rut (being an anxious, sleep-deprived father didn’t help, I should add). I rarely exercised. Not only did I not have the energy for sex, but also I just felt unattractive. I definitely didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin or being seen in the buff, for that matter. Then my wife started taking Pilates classes, and I made a decision to get in better shape myself: I wasn’t going to be left behind. So I went on an exercise and fitness program. Not only did I lose the weight fairly quickly, but also the smallest improvements along the way boosted my self-esteem and libido tenfold. It wasn’t about getting the perfect body or looking like a Calvin Klein model, but about getting myself to a place where I was more energetic and confident. I went from a lights-off to a lights-on attitude and from being sexually stagnant to sexually charged. It wasn’t about my attraction to my wife (which was never in doubt), but rather my sense of
being
attractive, both
to
my wife and in general. So what’s the lesson? Not only are both exercise and diet vital to sexual vitality, but also, for both men and women, when weight is up, body image and libido go down (and for men, down is never good).

Is he eating well?
A poor diet is a major contributor to heart disease, high cholesterol, arterial plaque, and high blood pressure, among other conditions, all of which inhibit blood flow to the penis and negatively impact erectile quality and desire. So what’s the desire-diet key? Eat for the heart, and you’re eating for desire. Now I’m not about to prescribe a precise food regimen (there are enough diet choices on the bookshelves without adding another to the mix), but I will tell you that I was personally inspired and transformed by Dr. Joel Furhman’s book
Eat to Live
, which I recommend whole-heartedly. The key to his diet is the idea of nutrient density. In short, when the ratio of nutrients to calories in a food is high, as is the case with most vegetables, fat burns off, and health is maximized. Hence, the more nutrient-dense foods you consume, the more you will be satisfied with less calories, and the less you will crave more high-calorie foods. As a result of practicing the
Eat to Live
approach, I no longer just love to eat; I eat to love, too!

Is he stressed out?
Not only does stress mar sexual performance, but the medications commonly used to treat it, such as antianxiety drugs, tend to depress the libido and inhibit desire. But with or without pharmaceutical aids, men, like women, feel less sexual when they’re emotionally distressed.

Well, Debbie, you’re certainly not alone. The fact is you’ve been hit by the most prevalent double whammy that incites marital discontent. While financial issues are the number one cited reason for divorce in the United States, sexual issues are the second (and it is safe to assume that sexual dissatisfaction is highly underreported). But, the truth is the two are insidiously intertwined: Financial stress often facilitates and intensifies sexual discontent.

In my practice, I’ve found that one of the main reasons for loss of libido in men is financial worries. And in your situation, the pressure to have a baby “on schedule” is compounding this anxiety. Take these two factors—loss of an anticipated promotion and accompanying procreative consequences—and you begin to understand why he’s avoiding physical intimacy. But not having sex only makes matters worse, exacerbating your respective isolation and eroding the foundation of your marriage.

Men often suffer silently through problems or lash out irrationally, rather than engage in constructive communication. Right now, he perceives you and your wants as part of the problem. You need to show him that you’re part of the solution instead.

Just because he says he wants to put off trying to have a baby doesn’t mean he doesn’t want one. Far more likely, he is not only disappointed, but he also feels guilty and possibly even emasculated about having to delay your family plans. While women often believe that there will never be a perfect time to have a child, one of the main reasons why men put off fatherhood is that they don’t feel ready. This sense of readiness is often intrinsically connected to a sense of financial confidence.

In an interview for the Actors Studio, Francis Ford Coppola said that having kids was the best thing that ever happened to his film career because it really motivated him to get his butt in gear. That said, in the short-term, you need to let go of your schedule, take some pressure off, and reestablish your bond as a couple and a team. One way to do this is by returning sex to the realm of pleasure and letting go of its procreative implications. Not only will a return to having sex for pleasure reinvigorate your relationship, but it will also revitalize his approach to life and help confer on him the confidence and sense of assurance he needs to meet and overcome his other life challenges. It will remind him that you value him for who he is rather than for what he can provide you.

One final tip: When men are stressed out at work, they often feel more pressured about their abilities to pleasure their partners and they are more susceptible to sexual performance anxiety. So, at least at the outset, focus on his pleasure. You’ll find that the love you give will soon be surpassed by the love you receive (and, eventually, conceive).

Is he sleeping well?
As vital to our physical well-being as food and water, a good night’s rest often finds its expression in his morning erection. So don’t hesitate to give him a routine morning exam.

Is he taking his vitamins?
L-arginine, an amino acid, is a building block of protein and converts to nitric oxide, which, as we discussed earlier, is vital to sexual arousal. Pycnogenol is a combination of many antioxidants extracted from the bark of a pine tree and is known to protect the heart, fight those nasty free radicals, and increase sexual arousal. Omega-3s, which are found in certain fish, also reduce plaque that builds up in arterial walls and impairs blood flow. Vitamins C and E are powerful antioxidant supplements that protect against free radicals and reduce fatty deposits in the blood. Most of these vitamins and minerals will be found in a quality multivitamin. With a combination of a balanced diet, exercise, stress management, and some good old-fashioned erotic creativity (more of that to come), your guy’s going to be fit as a fiddle. And fit to f**k.