Healed (6 page)

“Okay.” I took the cup she offered me and added three
spoonfuls of sugar to my cup. “You don’t look like I expected you to.”

“Oh?” She laughed. “I suppose you expected a mystical looking lady in a dark room with a big crystal ball?”

“Something like that.” I laughed, embarrassed.

“We’re not all frauds
, my dear.” She coughed. “Though some of them do have far-sight. Though they shouldn’t be using it.”

“What?” I frowned.

“Nothing to concern yourself with, dear. I suppose you’ve come for some answers?”

“Yes, yes please.” I nodded
, eagerly, grateful that she was going to supply me with a way out of this mess.

“Your dad isn’t a bad person.”

“Ok, wait, what?” I frowned at her. “That’s not why I’m here.”

“We don’t always know the root of our issues.”

“I’m here because of a guy…”

“It’s
always about a guy.” She smiled at me, gently. “At least, that’s what our heart tells us. Inside our soul we know differently.”

“No, I’m here because
of these two guys.” I tried to interrupt her.

“He loves you, in his own way of course. It was your mom he was weary of. She’s not well.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” My chest was pounding and I didn’t want to hear what she was saying. “I want to talk about my boyfriend, well, I think he’s my boyfriend.”

“You went to look for him
, yes?” She peered into my eyes with a soulful expression and I felt myself shiver.

“Yes, how did you know that?”

“Parents are so important in our lives. You know, there are many people who shouldn’t be parents. Many people who don’t have the emotional capabilities to look after themselves are now having kids. They—”

“
—Sorry to interrupt, but how does this affect me?” I frowned at her and she sighed.

“Sorry
, dear, I sometimes go off on tangents. Let me focus on why you came. You’re at a crossroads in your life, Lexi. This is an important moment. And it’s not because you feel yourself to be the latest damsel in distress. No. It’s because you realize that the you that you have been portraying is not the you, you want to be. Sometimes we see ourselves as a martyr, and we live our lives as if we are fighting the fight of the world. Unfortunately, many of us are just fighting the fight of our hearts, of our dreams, of our wishes.

“
You know, I want to tell you a story about a man I once knew. His name was John and he was a baker. He had the biggest bakery in town. And every day he would bake fresh bread. And he would deliver it to all the families in his town, and these people all happened to be the men and women that he went to church with. And, every Sunday, he would provide free bread to the church and he would tithe ten percent of his earnings. Every single week.”

“Uh
, okay.”

“Yes
, John was a good man. In fact, everyone in town loved John and respected him. And he loved them as well. There was nothing John would have changed in his life, asides from the fact that his town sat next to a very poor village. The people in this village would follow John on his bicycle as he delivered his bread and he always complained to the families he delivered to that the people scared him. They were disheveled, dirty and smelly. He was always worried that they would try to jump him and steal his bread.”

I tried not to yawn as she continued telling her story. I had no idea what she was talking about
, but I didn’t want to be rude and interrupt.

“And
, one day, one of the men from the next village threw a rock through the window of his bakery and stole some bread and pastries. John was devastated and went to the police station to press charges. He couldn’t believe that something like that could happen to him and his store, as he was the nicest, and most generous guy in the town.”

“But if he was soo nice, why didn’t he give them some bread?” I asked.

“He didn’t know they were hungry.”

“But they were obviously poor. I mean they came from a poor village and they looked disheveled.”

“John didn’t see that. All he saw was some people following him around as he did his job.”

“Didn’t he ask them why they were following him?”

“No. He never asked them why they were following him. He didn’t care why they were following him. He was more concerned about his own wellbeing.”

“So
, what happened next? What happened to the guy who stole the food?”

“The guy
who broke the window and stole the food was put in jail and, a few days later, his baby daughter died.”

“What?”

“He had been stealing food because his family was malnourished and had no other way to get food. He had been following John around for years; yet John had never once spoken to him, never once asked him if he was okay or needed anything.”

“That’s horrible.” I felt tears well in my eyes. “I thought he was meant to be a good person.”

“In his eyes, he was the best human being he thought he could be.” The old lady paused to sip some coffee. “But he never looked past himself.”

“What happened next?” I leaned forward. “Did John feel guilty? Did he go and help the man’s other kids and wife? Did he start to give free food to the people in the village.”

“John got a guy so that he wouldn’t be bothered by the people in the village following him.”

“Oh.” It was not the ending I had expected or hoped for. I felt disappointed. “So what was the point of the story? John didn’t learn anything. He still never helped those people.”

“That’s because John never had a moment where he realized that he was self-absorbed and that there was another reality outside of his own.”

“I see.” But I didn’t really.

“Lexi—you realize that, even though you’ve been hurt, there are others who are also hurting and that, perhaps, you have been blind to those hurts.”

I nodded my head slowly at her words, shocked that she seemed to see inside the depths of my soul, that I was hiding, even from myself.

“It’s hard to acknowledge that we aren’t who we’ve always thought we were.”

“I’ve tried to be a good friend…” The words tripped from my mouth. “
I don’t even know how to feel. I’ve been betrayed, but I also feel like a betrayer.”

“Life is never black and white
, my dear.”

“And what makes it worse is that it was my best friend who betrayed me. She slept with a guy I’ve been in love with, well
, I think I love him, for years. How could she do that to me?”

“And that makes you feel angry. And confused. But you are more confused because there is another man who holds your heart. And
, once again, your friend is a part of that equation.”

“How did you know that?’
My mouth dropped open again and she smiled at me.

“I’m a psychic
, dear.” She put her coffee cup down and leaned towards me. “The simplest path is to follow your heart, my dear.”

“But I don’t know what my heart is telling me.” I close
d my eyes. “I think I love them both. Bryce has been my dream man for years. I never thought I had a chance with him. He’s handsome, he’s charming, he’s broken and he needs me. I feel like I’m all he has.

“
But then there’s Luke. He’s been my best friend for years. My shoulder to cry on. My laugh buddy. The only one who has always been there for me. No matter what. He has always been there for me. And he loves me. I think, I think he’s always loved me. I just never wanted to see it. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. I didn’t want to lose him.

“
And then there’s Anna. My dearest, wonderful Anna. My oldest friend. I thought we were like two peas in a pod. I always thought that we were the same—just different bodies. But we’re not. I know that now. I’ve never really listened to her. I’ve never really tried to figure out what she wanted. I just always assumed everything was great because, in comparison to me, I thought it was.”

“And why is that
, Lexi?”

“She has a dad who loves her. He’ll do anything for her. She’s wanted and loved. Her parents tried for ten years to get pregnant with her. She was their miracle child.”

“How does that make you feel?”

“I’m jealous.”
A tear ran down my face as I stared at the wall, unseeing. “I just want to be wanted. My mom, my mom is crazy. I love her but she’s crazy. I had hoped my dad wanted me, but he didn’t care. I went to see him and he pretended he had no idea who I was. He dismissed me. I’d always hoped that he would want to take me in. That he had missed me so much that he wanted me to be in his life.” I sobbed as the memories of my dad’s dismissal played out in my head. “ I just wanted him to love me.”

“He does love you
, Lexi.”

“No he doesn’t,
” I sobbed.

“He loves you in the best way that he can. Did you know he was addicted to meth?”

“What?”

“And he’s been in and out of jail. He did the right thing by you
, Lexi. It may not seem that way now. But your life is better without him in it.”

“It just hurts inside. I don’t know why I’m so unlovable.”

“Oh, but Lexi, you’re far from unlovable.”

“It doesn’t feel that way. I just feel so empty and lonely inside.”

“You’ve had a lot to deal with. And a lot you’ve never dealt with.”

“I just don’t know how.”

“You’re not alone, you know.” She smiled at me gently. “Your loved one. He has a similar feeling in his soul. A hollowness he’s never shared with anyone.”

“Who? Bryce?”

“You’ll know when the time comes. You’re not quite as alone as you think. There are many secrets in families that some of us would never even guess existed.”

“I guess.” I sigh
ed, suddenly tired. “So what do I do now?”

“I can’t tell you what to do.”
She sat back and shook her head. “That’s not what I’m here for. I can’t make your decisions for you.”

“But can’t you tell me wh
at the right decision should be?”

“I will tell you what you need to hear. I want you to make the decision that makes you happy. I want you to go outside and listen to the birds chirp and whistle, follow the light of the sun, touch the fragrant petals in my garden and breathe in the fresh air of nature. I want you to listen to the beat of your heart and then I want you to close your eyes. Go and lie in a meadow and stare at the sky. The answers will come.”

“Uhm, okay.” I frowned. I didn’t want to tell her that she hadn’t been very helpful but she really hadn’t. Next thing she’ll be telling me to listen to the whispers of a butterfly.

“Life is not quite as complicated as we try to make it
, my dear. And friendships are never broken until we cut them.”

“I see.” I stood up, slightly frustrated. “How much do I owe you?”

“Nothing.”

“If you’re sure.” I walk
ed towards the front door, feeling guilty and she patted me on the back and smiled.

“And dear, only the black swallowtails are worth listening to.”

“Uh, okay.” I walked out the door confused, wondering if perhaps she had dementia and if I’d been part of some elaborate ruse. As I walked to my car, I decided to pull out my phone and looked up black swallowtail on Google. I might as well know what she’s talking about.

“A butterfly.”
I said aloud to myself. “It’s a butterfly.” I bit my lip and looked back at the house, wondering if she was a mind reader. I didn’t even know her name. I sat in my car for a second, unsure of where to go. I felt like I had been in her house for a few hours, but when I checked the time it had only been forty-five minutes. I rolled my window down and let the cool breeze flow into my car. I took a deep breath and let the scent of the road take over my senses. And then I started my car. I knew where I wanted to go. I wanted to go to Jonesville High, back where everything had started. I wanted to go to the football field.

***

I was alone in the field, feeling a
little bit like a fool. I was twenty-two years old and lying in the middle of a high school football field. As I lay there, I realized that so many of my problems were related to Jonesville High. And that, perhaps, was a problem in of itself. I was twenty-two now. I shouldn’t be living in my past. I shouldn’t be living for the dreams and memories of my high school self.

I closed my eyes and I breathed deeply and then stared up at the sky. It was
an off-white blue grey. It looked like it was going to rain, but I continued to stare until an overwhelming sense of wellbeing filled me. I felt light and happy and alive. I felt like there was nothing too big that I couldn’t handle. It was time for me to grow up. I was responsible for my own happiness in life.  I couldn’t place blame on anything else. It was like my dream of being an actress.