Heart of the Matter (18 page)

Ellen chuckled. “Oh, Kate, very little research is objective. All scholars, including historians, bring their own bias to their work.” Kate loved to see Ellen laugh. Not only her mouth but her entire face became animated, which made her even more attractive, if that was possible. She peered at the expanse of skin exposed at her throat and noticed how the shadows drifted down her cleavage in the muted light of their room. A surge of arousal, both physical and emotional, rushed through her, and its unexpectedness surprised her.

In the past she would have immediately acted. Ellen was extremely alluring, and it would be so easy to lean across the space separating the two beds and kiss her. She sensed the attraction was mutual. Neither of them had faked the kiss in the car. Maybe, just maybe, Ellen was attracted to her too, despite her scars?

The panoply of emotions racing across Kate’s face fascinated Ellen. She didn’t know what to make of it, and she didn’t really care. For a moment, she felt reconnected to Kate, without any of the previous misunderstandings and hurt feelings, as she had in the car seconds before they kissed. Warmth permeated her body and all the right places began to tingle. It was a sign. She trembled involuntarily.

God, I wish she would lean over and kiss me again
.

Feeling awkward, Kate smiled sheepishly and got up to brush her teeth. By the time she returned to bed, Ellen was already under the covers, her glasses perched on the bridge of her nose and a sheaf of papers in hand. The moment had passed.

Kate wasn’t looking forward to returning to the city or, rather, her life. She enjoyed being on the road, living in an entirely different world. In fact, her old life had begun to fade and the one she was living now had become her reality. Being lost in the past had consumed her time and attention, and mercifully she had been able to avoid thinking about the future. But eventually she would have to face what awaited her return, and Kate finally felt as though her old strength was returning. The future still scared her, but it didn’t seem as insurmountable as it had when she left.

She also had never spent so much alone time with another woman. She had come to know an attractive woman without sleeping with her, and actually enjoyed it. As her respect for the person who was Ellen increased, so did her desire for her. No one was more surprised at this self-discovery than Kate, and her introspection increased at the revelation.

“A penny for your thoughts,” Ellen said.

“Trust me, they’re not worth that much. I guess I’m not looking forward to a dirty condo and laundry.” Kate contemplated her problems. She was unemployed with no prospects, and she had the scars that drew others’ attention even when not in a city where people knew her. Money didn’t concern her yet, but what should she do with her life? She had a lot to offer still, a sharp mind and talent that was very marketable. She couldn’t return to the way things were, but she had no clue where to go from here.

“Well, you better get the chores over with as quickly as possible.

We’ve got a lot of work ahead of us. And I want to take a look at what you’ve done so far on your project. I can’t wait to read it.” Kate smiled wryly. “It’s not much, really, certainly not enough for a book. It would make for light reading in
Reader’s Digest
.”

“What are you talking about?” Ellen demanded. “It’s going to be great. You just need to gather more information and decide how you want it all to come together. I can help you, it’ll be fun.” Kate appreciated what Ellen was trying to do, but she wasn’t about to fool herself. Her passion remained fixed in television news—that would never change. She diverted Ellen’s attention back to the battlefield where Ellen spent the next few hours mapping out barely visible trenches and talking with the rangers.

By early afternoon they were on the road again and headed into the city. Every passing mile Kate’s depression settled more heavily on her, and she wondered how much scotch she had in the house.

When they arrived at their building, Kelly, Ellen’s cat sitter, ran outside to greet her. “Hi, Ellen,” she said as she helped grab a bag from the backseat of the car.

“Hi, Kelly, how’s the General?” Ellen lifted her large suitcase out of the trunk.

“He’s fine. We played with his feather toy this morning and now he’s sleeping.”

Delaying the moment when she had to enter her empty condo, Kate carried the bags to Ellen’s and lingered, watching as Ellen played with her cat. After a few minutes, Ellen got up and went into the kitchen, pushing the playback button on her answering machine.

“Hi, Ellen, it’s Sandra.” The honeyed voice was distinct. “I was missing you and—”

Ellen pressed the Stop button immediately and glanced at Kate.

Kate didn’t think her life could get any worse. A high-powered, attractive DC attorney was chasing the one woman she was interested in, and she was jealous. Previously she had used the women she was “dating” to satisfy her physical needs. None of them had much depth of character. Of course, she had to admit, she hadn’t selected them for their character.

But now that Kate had finally found someone she cared about, her entire career was gone. Some catch she turned out to be.

“Well, I better get home and do some laundry.” She rose from the couch and shuffled to the door. “I still have some data to enter into the computer and a lot of reading to catch up on.”

“Hey, why don’t you come over for dinner when you’re done? We could order Chinese, watch a movie, you know, take a break and relax.”

Kate was tempted, but didn’t want to prolong the inevitable.

Ellen needed to move on with her life, and Kate was an energy vampire. She could feel herself sucking the strength and energy from Ellen and knew eventually Ellen would have to withdraw. “I don’t know, I’m a little tired.”

Ellen watched as Kate withdrew both physically and emotionally. She didn’t want her to go, especially not like this, but she couldn’t force her to stay. “I’ll call you later,” she insisted.

“You’ll be starving by then and I know you don’t have even half of what I have in the fridge, and I don’t have anything.” Kate left and Ellen stood staring at the door. Sometimes Kate could be so frustrating. She was angry that Sandra had called and that Kate had overheard. She knew it wasn’t the only reason Kate was feeling down, but she felt certain it had pushed her over the edge. She dialed Sandra’s number.

“Ellen, it’s so good to hear from you. I heard you went out of town.”

“Yes, I started my sabbatical, Sandra, remember?”

“Oh, right.”

Ellen could tell Sandra didn’t remember at all.

“Well, I’m glad you’re back,” Sandra continued. “I was hoping we could get together, you know, dinner, and well, whatever.” Ellen could hear the grin across the line. The sexual innuendo wasn’t lost on her. It just didn’t mean anything anymore. Still, it surprised her. “I don’t know, Sandra. I got the impression you weren’t really interested in anything…steady.”

There was a brief pause over the line.

“Now where did you get that idea?” Sandra sounded defensive.

“I’ve had an extremely busy schedule, but that’s not unusual. I thought we had a good time that night, didn’t you?” Ellen wasn’t so sure. She remembered feeling awkward—aroused, but awkward. More than anything else she had been self-conscious, about her body and what Sandra thought of it. She also didn’t feel a lot emotionally, but she had chalked that up to not knowing Sandra well enough. She immediately recalled Kate’s kiss in the car and how turned on she had been, how she had lost sense of time and place. It was more powerful than anything she had ever experienced, with any woman.

However, Kate didn’t seem to be interested in her. The kiss notwithstanding, now that Kate seemed to be coming out of her shell, she would want to get back to her own life soon. Ellen needed to focus on her needs and not Kate’s. What time they had together on the road had been wonderful, and she would miss it terribly. But she couldn’t hope to have Kate all to herself for long. At least Sandra wanted to be with her, for whatever reason, had in fact already slept with her. Ellen had finished helping with her son’s application. If that was all Sandra wanted, why was she calling now, asking to see her again?

“What did you have in mind?”

❖

Kate looked around her condo and didn’t recognize it. Nothing seemed familiar, and while she had never considered it her home, now it was completely alien, filled with furniture and things, but nothing of sentimental value. She could have walked into a hotel room and felt equally at home.

She dropped her bags on the floor just inside the door and left them. Entering the kitchen, she found the half-full bottle of scotch and was relieved she wouldn’t have to go to the liquor store. Pouring three fingers, she barely made it to her large chair and collapsed.

She picked up the remote and turned on the television. She hadn’t watched it since she left and thought she might catch up on the latest news. Instead, she clicked to a movie channel and settled in with Katharine Hepburn and Glenlivet.

❖

The ringing phone woke Kate and she stumbled into the kitchen to grab it before it could annoy her again. She hadn’t answered the phone in a while, either. “Yeah?”

“Are you ready for Chinese yet?” Ellen asked.

“You know, you’re right, I am hungry after all. But I didn’t get any laundry done.”

“Well, bring it over. Doing laundry by yourself should be illegal anyway.”

Kate couldn’t help it. Just the sound of Ellen’s voice made her feel good.

A few minutes later she tossed a load into Ellen’s machine and turned it on before taking a sip of the wine Ellen had poured. Ellen set the boxes of Chinese food on the table.

“Nothing fancy tonight”—Ellen gestured at the cartons—“but there’s something so satisfying about Chinese. And not having much to clean up after days of eating out has its rewards, too.”

“Not to mention the leftovers,” Kate added. “You’ve ordered enough for the Confederate army.”

“Well, I didn’t know what you’d like.” Kate glanced at Ellen’s curvaceous hips and full breasts and knew exactly what she liked. She took another gulp of wine, and the slight buzz that had begun with the scotch returned. She felt warm inside, not entirely due to the alcohol. Being with Ellen left her blissfully content.

After dinner they settled in front of the television. A Hitchcock movie was playing and normally Ellen would be excited about seeing an old black-and-white. She was relaxed, full from dinner, and comfortable in jeans and a chenille sweater. But as she sat on the couch next to Kate, all she could think about was how right it seemed.

The couple of hours Kate had left to go home had been unsettling. They had been in each other’s company for days—talking, sharing, eating, and, yes, at times arguing. But their brief separation had brought back all Ellen’s loneliness, and for a moment she thought she might cry. She didn’t want to return to her old ways.

Perhaps that was why she had said yes to Sandra. But Sandra didn’t make her feel the things Kate did.

“I love Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman together, don’t you?” Ellen sighed.

“Yeah, but he’s an asshole in this movie,” Kate replied. “How could he treat her that way and make her go back to that guy? He’s clearly poisoning her.”

“But Cary loves her, you’ll see.”

“He has a heck of a way of showing it.”

“Oh, Kate, you’re such a realist. Can’t you see how romantic they are together?”

“Romantic? I wouldn’t make the woman I love go back to that guy and his criminal friends. That’s not romantic.” Ellen glanced at her. “Okay, so what do you think is romantic?”

Kate hesitated. “Romance is when the woman you love consumes you. She is your everything—all that matters, all that ever was and ever will be. You will gladly endure anything, any hardship, to avoid inflicting a second of pain on her. And you will love her until the day you die, never taking a moment of being with her for granted. After that, you will thank your lucky stars that someone as magnificent as she ever thought of loving someone as insignificant as you in return.”

Ellen couldn’t move. The entire time Kate spoke, she had looked into Ellen’s eyes. Her heart beat erratically, and her face felt too hot to touch. She tried to catch her breath, but the more she tried, the harder it became to get air. “Oh, Kate,” she whispered. Tears burned her eyes for all the possibilities she never dared imagine.

The alcohol had loosened Kate’s self-restraint and she knew it, but she didn’t care. Being with Ellen made her feel whole, and she couldn’t take one more minute of wondering what it would be like to touch her. The kiss in the car was seared in her mind, and her body had awakened to the memory of it. She was on fire and had to have Ellen, here and now, if only this once. Would Ellen be able to see past her scars? More important, could she?

Kate had always found kissing someone side by side awkward, so she dared to roll over and settle gently on Ellen’s lap, facing her, her bent legs bearing her weight on the couch. She towered over Ellen and leaned in, bracing her hands against the back of the couch.

“I would like very much to kiss you…again,” Kate murmured.

Ellen looked up into the hazy passion in Kate’s eyes.
So this
is what it feels like
. The inability to catch your breath, your heart pounding wildly in your chest, the feeling that wherever that person touched you, she left a trail of fire behind. And even though the fire burned intensely, it felt so good you never wanted it to go away.

Ellen wanted to reply but her mouth was completely dry. She licked her lips to moisten them.

The tongue was all it took. Considering it an affirmation, Kate captured Ellen’s lips with her own.
God
. This kiss was better than she remembered, and she hadn’t forgotten anything about that first one. She pulled back slightly, a mere fraction of an inch from the supple mouth. Opening her eyes, she sought Ellen’s, needing to know it was all right, that she didn’t want her to stop.

It took Ellen a moment to realize Kate had stopped kissing her.