Heart of the Matter (24 page)

Ellen sat down on the sofa in the living room and curled her feet under her, feeling as though she was in high school again and getting a call from her latest crush. The butterflies in her stomach said it all, and she warmed to the sound of Kate’s voice. “I’m sure they love you.”

“Sure they do,” Kate agreed. “What’s not to love?”
Nothing
. Ellen loved everything about Kate. The way her face lit up when she found a relevant piece of research, how her body tensed in the throes of passion, even when she was angry. “So, how much longer do you think you’ll be there?”

“I have another full day tomorrow and fly back the day after that.”

“Do you need me to pick you up from the airport?” Ellen asked hopefully.

“Oh, no, thanks. Sergei offered to do that.” Now Kate wished she hadn’t agreed to Sergei’s offer, but she didn’t want to impose on Ellen while she had a family emergency.

“Well, how about I make you dinner the night you get back?”

“Ellen, you don’t have to do that.” Though Kate said no, she thought otherwise. She couldn’t imagine anything she’d rather do than be with Ellen.

“Please, I’d like to.” Plus Ellen wanted to see Kate. She didn’t know how many more nights she’d have in Kate’s company, and she wanted to make it as many as possible.

“Well, okay, thanks.”

Ellen tingled. She loved the way Kate’s voice dropped a couple of octaves on the last sentence. The deep alto thrummed through her even across phone lines and the Atlantic Ocean.

During the silence that followed, not awkward, not uncomfortable, Kate thought of how Ellen’s quiet breathing at the other end reminded her of the way Ellen had slept that morning after making love. She was painfully vulnerable in the patch of morning sunlight that filtered across the bed, her hair spread across the pillow.

Kate sighed at the memory.

“Are you okay?” Ellen asked.

“Yeah, just a little tired,” Kate replied. “I should let you go so you can visit your father.”

Ellen didn’t want to hang up but knew Kate had her own appointment. “I suppose,” she agreed. “And you need to get ready for your dinner. I hope it goes well.”

“Thanks,” Kate whispered.
Does she really?

❖

“We run a tight ship here, Kate,” an executive producer explained. “Everything hums along like clockwork, and we like to keep it that way.”

“I can appreciate that.” Kate nodded, sipping her wine.

“We want the next managing editor to step into Stan’s position and pick up where he leaves off. It will be a completely smooth transition, no hiccups whatsoever.”

Managing Editor Stanley Giddings had been involved with the evening news segment for the past six years and with CNN for nearly twenty. He had worked his way steadily up the ladder and now was being rewarded with a promotion to Atlanta. Everything about CNN was first class, and Kate saw very clearly the challenges that the position presented.

Kate had seen the established practices and the organizational hierarchy from the bottom up. On the surface, it would seem that she would be another cog in a wheel of this smoothly oiled machine.

No more incompetent reporters or equipment malfunctions, or at least with far less frequency than at Channel 5. But she saw some opportunities where she could contribute, as well as learn a thing or two. The job had tremendous potential.

They had discussed the job until Kate’s head swam with details. She knew she could handle it. The salary was well above what she had been making, and the chance to make her mark in a huge organization such as CNN was certainly an added bonus. If she measured up to their standards and played by the rules, she would probably advance rapidly.

As they chatted amiably over coffee and dessert, she knew the executives were trying to get a sense of her as a person. She could tell they were wondering if she would be a good addition to the team, and she leisurely answered their questions. They had done their homework, knowing much of what she had accomplished in her career, details they hadn’t just taken off a resume. If they had really gone to this much trouble, they would know about the accident and possibly about her personal life. It didn’t seem to be an issue.

Tracy Shelbourne drove Kate back to the hotel and stopped out front, letting the engine idle. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Kate. We can go over any questions you may have as well as any additional ones from senior management. Shall I pick you up about eight thirty?”

“Thank you, Tracy, and thank you for dinner. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Once in her room, Kate again fell onto the bed, exhausted.

It had been a grueling day because of all the questions, but also because she had to be “on” all the time—a state she always disliked.

She had never been a people person. She had always been about the work, discovering what needed to be done and then doing it.

She kicked off her shoes and undressed, turning the shower on as hot as she could stand it, then stepped in. Within seconds she relaxed, so much so she could almost fall asleep standing up.

Deciding she’d rather be more comfortable, she shut the water off and quickly dried herself. She tossed the damp towel on the floor and dragged herself to bed, crawling in naked and moaning aloud with pleasure as she let the cool sheets soothe her tired body.

She thought about calling Ellen but didn’t want to appear needy.

Besides, Ellen might be having dinner with her family. Ellen’s sister had already made her feelings about Kate clear, so she didn’t want to exacerbate the situation. She sighed, thinking about that day and the kiss that had ended it. Just the memory of it made her ache, but she immediately repressed all thoughts about her physical response to Ellen.

Kate flipped over and punched her pillow into submission. She was exhausted, but her mind wouldn’t calm down. If they offered her the job, she was moving to London and that would be that.

Hopefully Ellen would think of her fondly, if she thought of her at all. But how could she forget Ellen? Even during her interviews, Kate had dwelt on her—her hair blowing in the wind on the heights at Fredericksburg, the curve of her hip as Kate ran her hand over the smooth skin.

Frustrated by her mind’s tantalizing wandering, Kate picked up the remote. She turned on CNN and tried to focus on what else was happening in the world. Her personal world was simply too confusing and chaotic. She needed to see other people in the world experiencing disorder, too; then she could feel at peace. She hoped the distraction would work. About an hour later, it did. She slept, and dreamed, but this time the dream was not about the horrifying details of the car accident and the little girl’s lifeless eyes. Kate dreamed of waking up in the hospital, alive. And sitting at her bedside was Ellen.

❖

Ellen carried a tray from the cafeteria into the hospital room where her mother sat at her father’s bedside. Joan had gone home to take care of the kids, and her father had fallen asleep. So she and her mother shared spaghetti, the only item on the menu that held any appeal. While they ate, Ellen slowly related her feelings about Kate and her fear that now she had met someone she truly cared for, she was about to slip out of her grasp.

“Have you told her how you feel?” Barbara asked.

“I was going to, and then this job in London came up. I couldn’t drop my feelings in her lap just as she was on the verge of finding her way back to the real world. It’s a great opportunity for her. I’m sure she didn’t think anything like it would come along for quite some time, if at all.”

“But if she doesn’t know how you feel about her, how can she make a truly informed decision?” Barbara glanced at her sleeping husband.

“Her choices would be me or the job. That’s not a fair decision to have to make, and I couldn’t ask it of her.”

“So you’re just going to let her go?” Ellen winced, not liking the sound of the words, even though that was precisely what she had been thinking. The decision sounded grandly self-sacrificing in her mind, but saying it out loud was painful. Could she simply let Kate go? Did she have any claim on her? Did she really know that Kate loved her? She’d never said so.

But during those nights in bed together, Ellen had felt they shared more than just great sex.

“I don’t know. I don’t want her to leave, but I don’t think I can, or should, do anything to stop her.” Barbara stared at her. “Honey, you have to tell Kate how you feel. It’s not fair otherwise. How can she choose if she doesn’t know you love her? Isn’t it possible she might choose you?” Ellen’s throat tightened and her eyes burned. She wanted desperately to believe what her mother was saying. But what if she told Kate how she felt and Kate still preferred London? Ellen didn’t think she could recover from that kind of pain. The possibility was too much for her, and she pushed her dinner plate away, having lost her appetite.

“Well, if one good thing comes of it, I just may lose that weight I’ve been complaining about.” Ellen’s tears spilled over and she dabbed at the corners of her eyes with her napkin.

“Oh, honey,” her mother whispered.

Her mother’s fierce hug made the tears come faster. Ellen allowed herself to be rocked, much as her mother had done when she was a child. She felt safe, as she had back then, but Ellen was no longer a child. She was an adult, with an adult’s breaking heart. And she wasn’t sure it would ever mend this time.

Ellen stood in her kitchen preparing dinner for Kate when she heard a knock at the door. Glancing over to the microwave clock, she saw it was a good half hour before she expected anyone.

She wiped her hands on the dish towel and opened the door to find Kate.

“Hey, you’re early, but come on in.” It wasn’t until Kate stepped inside and stopped that Ellen noticed something wasn’t right. “Kate?”

“I just got off the phone with my agent,” Kate murmured.

“And?” Ellen suddenly found it difficult to breathe.

“CNN has offered me the job.”

Stunned, Ellen couldn’t think of a response. It was bound to happen, yet she couldn’t conceive of the reality. She wanted to congratulate Kate, but the words wouldn’t come. Her chest constricted and she gulped for air. If only she was alone right now, she would fall to the floor in a boneless pile and sob endlessly.

Kate felt miserable, wishing the job wasn’t in London. It seemed like a death sentence instead of a great opportunity, because she couldn’t ask Ellen to come with her. Ellen had her profession, her career right here in DC. And they hadn’t known each other that long.

Could she really ask her to run away with her? It was ridiculous to even contemplate.

“Congratulations, Kate.” Ellen finally found her voice but was still unable to move. Suddenly she felt incredibly tired and could barely lift her arms to place them on the table.

“Thanks,” Kate whispered.

Finally shaking her head and composing herself, Ellen returned to the kitchen to finish making dinner. At least in the kitchen she wouldn’t have to pretend she was happy. She placed the dishes next to the sink. Squeezing her eyes shut, she leaned against the counter and struggled to regain control. This simply could not be happening.

Somehow she’d been able to retain a speck of hope through it all.

Maybe Kate wouldn’t want the job, maybe the fit wouldn’t be right, maybe they’d find somebody better suited to fill the position. But now the hope was gone. Reality had found her and moved in to stay.

God, it hurts
.

“When do they want you to start?” she called out.

“As soon as possible.” Kate entered the kitchen and stood next to her at the sink.

Ellen could barely speak. “I’ll miss our meals together.” Kate nodded. “So will I.” She hesitated. “Ellen, I can’t tell you how grateful I am to you for all you’ve done for me. I—”

“No.” Ellen shook her head. She couldn’t hear the words Kate spoke, not about that anyway. Her mind, her heart, her body screamed for words she wouldn’t speak. She didn’t want gratitude now. She wanted, needed, so much more. She was horrified to find tears form in her eyes. She was so close to keeping her emotions under control, had almost made it until after Kate left.

Kate saw the tears and wondered at them. Were they just tears at losing a friend, or was there more to them? If there was, surely Ellen would have said something. Was it too late now? Would it do any good? Could they see each other perhaps a few times a year, have great sex, then return to their separate lives? No. Kate wanted more than that. Living that way would only drive her crazy with desire. And it would eventually destroy her soul. She couldn’t live that way. Better to end it now, while the pain was almost bearable.

Ellen’s tears fell in streams and she brushed them away. She tried to pretend she was being silly, but losing Kate hurt too much to hide. Kate pulled her into her arms and she dissolved, crying freely, and buried her face in Kate’s neck. She clutched at Kate’s shirt, clinging to her, not wanting to let her go.

“Oh, Ellen,” Kate whispered, kissing her forehead and rubbing her hands soothingly down Ellen’s back. “I’ll miss you so much.” Her voice was raw, and she knew they were the last words she would speak or she would crumble, too.

Ellen pulled away from Kate and dried her face with her hands.

Peering up at Kate, she tried to dismiss the tears, but she’d never been good at hiding her emotions. She pulled Kate to her and found her waiting lips. She kissed her hard, forcing her mouth open and finding the warmth inside. She moaned as the heat flooded through her down to her toes, wanting the fire to burn away her pain. The ache in the pit of her stomach warred with the one in her heart, and she pressed her hips into Kate to ease it.

Any thoughts of being tired disappeared when Ellen pressed into Kate. She slipped her hands from Ellen’s back over her shoulders and down to her breasts. She palmed them roughly, feeling the nipples harden under her touch. For a moment the power of her need overwhelmed her and she worried she might hurt Ellen.

Unbuttoning her blouse, she pushed Ellen’s bra up and groaned at the feel of her hot flesh in her hands. Kate kissed her neck, let her tongue travel down Ellen’s throat to her exposed nipples where she bit them roughly, sucking them into her mouth.