Heartless (24 page)

“Come on, Josh. I know it’s not nothing.”

I sigh heavily and look at her. I know she means well but I’m afraid this will change things. Her eyebrows lift expectantly. I bet there
is
frozen stuff in those grocery bags on the floor but she won’t move an inch until I spill. For the sake of not rotting the food, I give in.

“Did you ever get the feeling you’d seen Heather before?”

“What do you mean? Like déjà vu?”

“No, like you’d known her once or seen her around somewhere. I felt that the first time I saw her.”

My mom smiles. “That can be a sign of true love, honey.”

“Maybe…”

“You don’t seem convinced. Is there a problem?”

I pass her the shoebox that’s been sitting beside me on the couch for the last two hours.

“You tell me.”

She lifts the lid, rifles through the news clippings, some old photos, official looking but outdated paperwork.

“Oh. My. God.”

This is the first time I’ve ever heard my mom say the G word.

She looks up at me, her eyes full of wonder and fear. “Where did you get this?”

“Heather’s trash.”

She thumbs through a few more articles.

“You still believe in Fate?” she asks me.

I nod. “Now more than ever.”

She looks at me with tender eyes before flicking a glance at the wastebasket and then the grocery bags, the shoebox contents, and back to me. She slips down onto the couch beside me. Our knees touch.

“Oh, Josh. What are you going to do?” She tucks the papers back inside, refits the lid onto the box.

Neither of us says anything for a minute. Perhaps she’s thinking, like I am, how quickly that box would go up in flames.

I fold my hands into my lap. “I honestly don’t know.”

“Yes, you do.” My mom puts a hand on my knee. “You just said it. You have to be honest. You have to tell her that you know. Tell her…”

I stand up suddenly. I slip past the coffee table and start pacing in front of the window.

“She didn’t tell me anything! All she talks about is leaving the past behind and looking forward to the future. Obviously, she doesn’t want me to know any of this or she’d have told me already.” I rake my hand through my hair. I feel trapped by my own logic. I know it won’t hold. “I don’t want to tell her I went through her garbage, I don’t want to tell her—“

“Did you go through her garbage? That’s a bit weird.”

I stride across the room in frustration. “No! Of course not. It was sitting in the can when I went to dump some of the last of the kitchen reno crap. I found it there. And it’s probably a
good
sign that she threw it out, if she’s been keeping it all these years. Like she really is moving on.”

“And I’m sure you’re a part of what’s giving her the strength to do that. But what happens when she finds out that you know?”

“Why would she? I could just never mention it. We could go on as if no one knew anything.”

My mom just sits there staring at me. It’s a thing she does. She tries her best not to tell me what to do but she waits, staring, until I come up with a solution on my own.

I dig both hands into my hair. “Argh! Why is this happening?”

A small curl of her lips and she’s smiling. How can she be smiling right now?

“She’ll hate me if I confront her,” I say.

“Will she? Maybe she thinks you’ll hate her if you know her secret. Maybe that’s why she threw away the evidence.”

I didn’t think about that. There is nothing in this world that could ever make me hate Heather. I know, without a doubt, that I will only ever be able to love her. Truly and completely. And this scares the shit out of me. Because if she finds out…

My mom sighs now. “I think I finally have to agree with you, Josh. You’ve convinced me that there is such a thing as Fate. And true love. In the end, you have to decide how to handle this, but if you don’t accept that it’s Fate, and that
this
,” she holds up the box, “is just a coincidence, and that the feelings you feel for Heather aren’t strong enough to weather the truth, then… Well, then. I don’t know what, actually. I gave up my faith a long time ago, so it’s not like I’ll lose that, but I might… I don’t know, I might start to believe, like so many people in this God-forsaken world of ours, that love isn’t as powerful or as healing as we all desperately need it to be.”

She set the box on the coffee table. I stared at it.

“You used the G word twice,” I said. It was all I could think of to say.

She gave me a sad, crooked smile, stood up, and collected the grocery bags.

On her way to the kitchen, she called over her shoulder. “If you decide not to go away this weekend, I don’t mind making other plans with Garth.”

I put my hand to my forehead. This weekend! This special weekend…

I stared at the box. And at the matches. Shit, what was I going to do?

Heather

Josh didn’t show up on Friday. I tried to be as casual as possible when I asked Leo where he was.

“He say he have to do something for his mother. He coming later.” Leo shrugged. “Family first, I agree. But he’ll be here. Don’t you worry, Hedder. The job will finish on time.” He patted my arm. Then he waved around the room. “Look, almost done. Cleaning up already.” I couldn’t see much evidence of
that
, but I didn’t want to risk asking more about Josh in case Leo got suspicious, but I began to worry about Geena.

Both Josh and Leo were gone by the time I got home from work later that day. I called Josh after I ate a cheese sandwich.

“How’s your mom?”

“Fine.”

“Oh? Leo said she needed you this morning. I thought something was wrong. I was kind of worried actually.”

“Oh, well… She… She needed a ride to an appointment. And you know how she doesn’t have a car right now…”

I did know that. But I also knew that Garth, who was a freelance magazine and e-zine writer, had been letting Geena borrow his car a lot. Maybe he’d had a meeting or something. I don’t even know why I was concerned about it.

“So how was your day?” said Josh.

“Fine. The usual.”

“Oh, good. That’s good.”

Were Josh and I having our first awkward conversation? Was it possible that we’d already run out of things to say? Was it my imagination or was he acting a little strange, a little distant?

“Are we still on for this weekend?” I said.

“Yeah. Of course! Aren’t you excited?” Now he sounded falsely cheerful.

“Josh, is anything wrong?”

“No. Why would you say that?”

“Because if you don’t want to go away…” I left off the ‘with me’ part I’d been thinking of adding because it was too painful to say out loud.

“I do. I do, Heather. I’m really looking forward to it.”

His voice sounded a bit funny, but maybe he was just feeling as nervous as I was. As anxious as he had appeared to be to have sex, maybe it was still a big deal to him and he wanted everything to be just right. I suppose I did too. And I was nervous that I might do something stupid or wrong.

“Are
you
having second thoughts?” he said.

“No. Not at all. I’m ready.”

I heard a small bark of a laugh through the receiver. “Are you saying you’re packed already?” That sounded like the normal Josh.

“No, silly. I’m just ready… ready to go away with you.” I took a deep breath.

His voice dropped a notch deeper and he said, “You mean, you’re ready to go away for a weekend with your new boyfriend?”

He’d caught my drift. He now knew he had a green light. But my mind was spinning with his last word.

I whispered into the phone, “Is that what you are? My new boyfriend?”

“Yes. Since day one, Heather. Seriously.”

He did sound serious, and more like himself. So whatever was awkward before was probably just nerves.

“Heather?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you my girlfriend?”

I smiled and swayed my hips. I was nodding but of course he couldn’t see me.”

“Heather? Are you still there?”

“Yes. This is Heather, the girlfriend of the gorgeous Josh Hansen. Yes, I’m still here.” And I felt through every vein in my body that it was exactly where I was meant to be.

“We are serious about each other aren’t we?” said Josh. I heard worry in his voice, a catch of uncertainty. I found it hard to believe that he felt insecure about my feelings toward him.

“I’ve never felt this way about anyone in my life, Josh. I … I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“That’s all I wanted to hear.” He sighed into the phone. "I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”

After we hung up, I went upstairs to get ready for bed, smiling as I walked past my already packed bag.

The upcoming weekend was going to be hot. I didn’t have to pack a lot, which was a good thing because Josh’s saddlebags weren’t that large. I had a white sundress, a pair of shorts, 2 tanks, a light sweater, flip flops, jeans and boots that I’d wear on the ride, along with Geena’s leather, a few pairs of panties, one bra, and a sleeveless nightie. Toiletry-wise, I only needed the basics: toothbrush, paste, moisturizer, sunscreen, a bit of make up. I felt blessed that I was between periods. I assumed that Josh would bring condoms if he’d planned on sex, and I was pretty sure he had. I was also pretty sure I was ready. We got so close that last time. My whole body had been aching for him to be inside me. Who knew if we would be able to recreate that in Montecito, but if we did, there’d be no way I’d be able to say no again. And I knew I wouldn’t want to. Josh had been unbelievably patient with me. And I’d taken things slow, one step at a time, as Miranda had advised, but even Miranda thought I was ready. My only challenge now would be to keep my mind in the present.

Josh arrived on time and I hauled out my small backpack and purse to cram into his saddlebags.

“Don’t look in that side,” he scolded.

“Ooh, private stuff?”

“Birthday stuff.” He winked.

We donned our helmets and leathers and hit the road.

The ride up the coast was smooth and stunning. As we curved up the PCH, with the great, wide Pacific Ocean sparkling on the left and the dry hills on the right, I felt as if this ribbon of road was leading me to a new and perfect destiny. With my arms wrapped around Josh and the hum of the Triumph between my legs, I felt the freedom of flight and the security of love, power, and belonging exactly where I was. I belonged in this world, with this wonderful man, and I deserved to have a bright future stretching out before. Regardless of what had happened in the past, regardless of the decisions of my parents, the plight of my family, I was still here, living, breathing, and capable of dreaming. I had never felt this connected, this confident, or this hopeful in my life. Stories of God, of Heaven, and of love had filled my imagination when I was younger, but however beautiful and inspiring, they were only ideas and concepts, not actual human experiences. I didn’t need a story of God to make meaning in my life, I had to actually
feel
connected to something larger than myself. The stars, the cosmos, the sense of some grand order behind the messy chaos of life was more than enough to believe in now, to get me out of bed and inspire me to contribute something to the world, even if I wasn’t sure what that was yet. That’s where faith came in, and feeling hopeful about the future. In time, the answers to my questions would be revealed. Things I was curious about would grow and expand with information and study. Intuitive hunches to take this path or another would lead me to the next steps, and those would lead to the ones after that. I was truly beginning to
trust
life, and myself. I could feel it now, deep in my bones. I felt deliriously happy when we cruised into Santa Barbara and stopped for lunch and a walk on the beach.

“Montecito’s a little ways back and up in the hills.” Josh pointed. Hundreds of red-tiled roofs were scattered amongst the brownish green fauna on the slopes above Santa Barbara. Everything in the town was so quaint and pretty. The main drag, with its shops and palm trees, seemed picture perfect.

We ate tacos on a little tree-shaded patio of a restaurant we found on a side street. After a short post-lunch stroll along the beach park trail, we got back on the bike and rode up into the hills to check into The Pepper Berry Ranch.