Heartless (The Heartless Series) (2 page)

I'm not important.

I should tell Tina
I'm fine.
This morning, though, for some reason, I don't. My fingers seem to have a mind of their own as they type.
Not really. Rough night…

My fingers itch to keep going. To share anything about Hart, the dreams, and the dark-haired girl who joined him last night. It has to mean something, right? It has to be a clue or an omen. I have to be dreaming about these things for a reason. Maybe if I talk about it, tell someone else about it, then I'll be able to figure it out. A new, fresh brain on the matter, because, frankly, I've been thinking about it as long as I can remember. All I can come up with is "Why me?"

And lately, "What the hell are these new visions for?"

The old familiar beating pounds in my temples, and I know it's coming. A migraine. I have them a lot unfortunately. And mainly when I'm trying to think about Hart. Trying to figure him out. I guess I'm trying to figure myself out, which is a whole new level of crazy. I'd make an excellent research project for someone if I told them the truth.

I can't even tell Tina.

Even through my uncooperative fingers, my aching head, my anxious innards, I want to tell Tina some form of the truth, but I can't. I just can't.

But I'm sure it'll be okay.
I type back to cover myself. I'm a moron for even saying as much as I did. She'll worry. I'll have to explain. Lots of steps I don't want to do.

I'm a thousand times sure it won't be all right. Might never be all right again. But I say it because I'm supposed to. I'm human after all.

While I wait, the hardship of Internet chatting, my mind wanders. I really do like my apartment. It is nice and cozy. Two stories. The bottom has a '90s-style kitchen with an eat-in area. A sliding door leads to the backyard. When I say backyard, I mean a little spot of land probably no bigger than a postage stamp. But it's fenced in, and as a long as we pay the rent, it's ours.

Ours
… my mom doesn't like me living with Sam. She likes Sam. Likes him as much as any guy I've gotten serious with; of course, Sam is the only guy I've ever gotten serious with. More for his determination than mine. That boy seemed to really like me when we first started dating, but now…

Anyway, my mom has enough to deal with, and I sure don't help. Her sister, my Aunt Willow has been, well, she's in a mental hospital. We aren't sure exactly what made her snap, but snap she did. One morning she was fine and then… she wasn't. Mom got a call that her sister was in the emergency room. She'd walked right in front of a car. Suicide they figured, which threw us both for a loop because Aunt Willow had always been full of life. I mean, yeah, she was a little weird at times, but aren't all aunts? Actually, this all happened about a week before I met Sam. Aunt Willow used to live with us. Took care of me when I was little. She helped out because I didn't have a dad. I mean, I'm sure I do somewhere, but I just don't know him. Don't know if I ever want to know him. That's a lie. I would like to meet the man someday. Curiosity and all that.

So, Aunt Willow went insane, I met Sam, and two years later, we moved into our apartment at Crimson Ridge for school. Mama worries about the premarital sex since, apparently, that's how I came into the world and she doesn't want me to make the same mistake, which is an awesome thing to say to your daughter. Basically calling me a mistake. I know she didn't mean it like that, but after all the grief I've put her through in the last eighteen years, I feel like maybe she meant it. She was young. Didn't ask to have a kid. And BAM, there I was. It's not like I was the easiest when I got to be a preteen either with the nightmares and the therapists.

But my mom, if she really knew Sam and me, she'd know that she has nothing to worry about. We've been good. No sex—not that I haven't wanted to. Believe me, I have. But Sam hasn't. He's shot me down every time. It's enough to make a person start to feel bad about themselves. Sometimes, I think that's part of the problem with us. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate that he's a gentleman. Still, it's not easy when it feels like even your boyfriend doesn't like you.

Overdramatic? Yeah, probably. Can't help my feelings, though. I can help them as long as I don't talk about them. Talking is bad. Talking gets you new medicine, and if that doesn't work, I don't even want to think about it.

I wonder how many people in the world pretend to be normal. I wonder what normal would be if everyone stopped trying to be it and actually acted like themselves. I bet the geeks would inherit the world because everyone is at least a closet geek. Who doesn't freak out over TV shows and Internet memes of their one true paring? Or fangirl? I do in the comfort of my own bedroom, staring at my own little computer, in my own little slice of Heaven. I love it here. Sam's room is down the hall. The bathroom separates us. Like I said, he doesn't venture to my end of the world very often.

I love my room. It's white, clean, and cozy. I have dark purple curtains on the windows, shutter style doors on the closet, a starry fairytale lamp next to my bed, a quilt that looks homemade that I bought from the store, and my desk. All the comforts of home without having to hear my mom crying every night.

I should probably call her.

In here, in my little room, I'm safe. Or at least I used to be. I'd shut the door and everything would just go away. Now? Now I have Hart back, invading my dreams, killing me, bringing people to watch (which is extremely creepy, believe it or not). He invades my happy place and makes me feel uneasy in my own room.

I hate it.

I hate him.

I hate myself for not being strong enough to push through the nightmares.

I hate myself for having that little sliver of doubt—that little nagging feeling in the back of my mind—that maybe Hart Blackwell isn't imaginary. That maybe he's real. Or maybe I'm getting as crazy as Aunt Willow.

@tinaM: GRACEN! What's up with you? Did you fall off your chair again or something? Helllllooooo…

So I sort of forgot to answer her. I suppose that happens. Happens to me when I start thinking and my mind wanders. #dangerous

@sullyGray Yeah, sorry. I'm here. Just thinking.

Like I said, thinking is a dangerous thing. And admitting to thinking when trying to act all fine is a dangerous road. I don't like dangerous roads. I'd rather just stay on the straight and narrow. That sounds pretty good to me. Straight. Narrow.

Wait? Which road leads to Hell? Because I'd like to take the other, thanks.

@tinaM Panic attacks again?

Sometimes, I wish I'd never told her about the panic attacks. I've never mentioned Hart, obviously, but on the day the nightmares started coming back—has it really just been a week?—I messaged her. I guess I didn't have my wall up completely yet, and I let it slip that I might possibly be having some anxiety issues. Now, my anxiety issues are all about the crazy dude in my head and not actually
me
… is it weird that I think of us as two different people? Yes? No? Maybe?

I so don't want to think about that.

The thing is, I did tell Tina about the panic attacks and I regretted it exactly a millisecond after hitting the send button. I'd been careful to put the wall back up ever since.

I should tell Tina the truth, or some sane variation of it. I should give her some reason to stick around, because I do need to talk. Not to a therapist or a shrink, though I'm sure my mother wishes I would visit Dr. Sheldon more regularly. But a friend. An actual friend. Someone I can just talk to. Someone who understands…

Then again, who can understand this?

Part of me is afraid I'm going crazy.

Part of me is scared I'm not, because if I'm not, if what is going on in my nightmares is real, then I've got 99 more problems to deal with.

That's why I can't tell Tina. It's why I can't tell anybody. There is something inside me that will not allow me to have a meaningful conversation with people. It's like part of me is missing. Not just the scary part either. It's like I'm missing some important part of myself that everybody else has and God forgot to put inside me. Like everyone else has a nice awesome soul and I have… Hart.

So not a fair trade.

I sit up straighter and place my hands on the keyboard, ready to tell Tina something without telling her anything at all. It's how humans communicate, right? I'll tell her that, yeah, I'm having some anxiety issues. It's the second full week of college, of living with Sam, of being away from home. College assignments are different from high school, and I'm a little stressed about doing well on them. I won't tell her about Sam or the weird fight we had last night. Almost like he wanted to pick it so I'd go upstairs and leave him alone. I'll tell her it's anxiety and not that I haven't slept more than two hours a night in a week. I'll tell her a lot of things because she is my friend and that's what friends do.

They lie to each other so they can make each other feel good.

@sullyGray I'm fine. Really. Just Monday morning, kwim? I'm ready for it to be Friday again. Whoot!

@tinaM Tell me about it! Mondays are so hard! Gotta go. Talk to you later. Have a great day!

@sullyGray You too!!!!!!

And then I add some smiley emoticons, because that's just what a person does. I hit send and lean back in my computer chair. Monday morning. Time for Professor Mitchell's class. Time to see Marcy, AKA the best Teacher's Assistant in the world, and listen to the professor talk about some random event that happened in the Civil War. Because that's what he does. He talks about random events that didn't matter to anybody but does it in such a way that you care. Professor Mitchell is one of those teachers who just makes you want to learn, makes you want to listen. He has something special about him. Something no other teacher has had, and I've only had him three times. I have his class Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. A great way to start the week, and a great way to end it.

Can't exactly say enough about Professor Mitchell. I mean, he's him.

Sweet, intelligent, awesome, and at least twenty years older than me. Handsome in that
old
guy way. Not that I'd want anything to do with him—not in that way. Not feelin' that, but I know some other people in the class wouldn't mind.

The professor loves talking about the Civil War. More than just the war, the families involved, the real people behind the "Hollywood machine," as he calls it.

I shut down my computer and stretch in my chair. Yeah, it's Monday, but it'll be a good Monday. It will. I'll go to class with a positive attitude. I'll listen. I'll take notes. I'll text Sam—funny how he's not sent me one before now—and I'll be happy.

Or, at the very least, I'll pretend to be happy.

That's all people really want, right?

Sunshine. Marcy, the T.A. for Professor Mitchell. Tina. Sam—somewhere. I'm living my life. I'm moving on. I'm totally ignoring Hart, who is currently whispering in my head about candles.

I'm fine.

I'm totally normal.

Chapter Three

I
AM THE FIRST PERSON IN
Professor Mitchell's class. Surprising since I figured I'd left late. Not even Marcy the super T.A. is in her usual post at the far end of Professor Mitchell's table, or desk, or lab bench. Whatever the heck you call that thing. She always has her books open, her laptop pulled up and ready, and stacks of papers the professor wants her to hand out by her side. I always go and see her before class starts. Not just for the papers and stuff. Just to chat. Marcy is easily one of the easiest people to talk to ever, besides Tina. Face to face, I mean. In fact, Marcy does all the talking, which I appreciate. Much less stressful for me that way.

In the past few classes, I've learned about her dying dog, her cussing parrot, and her gay goldfish. Marcy loves animals. Me? I once convinced my mom I needed an indoor cat. The purpose of said cat, which I never told her, was to make me feel less insane since I'd read on the Internet (aka the most reliable source ever) that a person who doesn't like animals is more likely to be a psychopath. Worst decision of my life. Learned something about myself, though. I don't like cats. I think the feeling is mutual.

Anyway, Marcy usually chats and I nod, which is a great relationship for me. It's insanely nice to just nod and smile without having any conversational repercussions. These exchanges last a good thirty seconds, maybe a minute, but I look forward to them. Sort of sad now that I think about it. Looking forward to such a small, insignificant part of my day. I bet if I stood in a police lineup, Marcy would never be able to pick me out. Heck, I don't even know her last name. I'm not even sure she knows any of my name, but I know she's nice to me, and in this day and time, that's rare.

For me anyway.

Not to go off one some crying, baby tangent here. It's just the way of the world. It's nice to know some nice people still exist. You never hear of those people on the news. You just hear about the bad guys.

You're a bad guy.

I close my eyes and bite my lip so hard I'm pretty sure the blood has pooled there. Sometimes, every so often, I hear Hart's voice clearly in my head when I'm not asleep. Not always, and usually I'm daydreaming, but still…

You are daydreaming, sweetheart.

I open my eyes and try not to fall out of my chair, which is an incredible feat because I have no idea I'm sitting down. Last thing I remember, I was standing at the front of the room all alone. Then, boom, full room. Full crowd. Professor Mitchell in all his khaki-pants-and-white-button-up-shirt glory, lecturing. And Marcy, still gone.

Replaced.

By, and even I have to admit this, an incredibly handsome guy. I'm sitting close to the top row of the auditorium in my usual seat, and even I'm mesmerized by his big blue eyes. The light blue button up shirt he's wearing over a nicely fitted black t-shirt makes his eyes stand out more. And he's blond. Sort of a dirty blond, but still blond. Now, normally, I'm not attracted to blond men. Usually, I'm attracted to people like Hart, sans the red eyes and torture. But this guy in Marcy's seat with his laptop out and his muscles straining the fabric of his awesome blue shirt, yeah, I could go blond for him.