Hell and Determination (4 page)
Read Hell and Determination Online
Authors: kathleen Davies
“I’m curious,” Ben stated swallowing a piece of bread, his eyes searching her face as though hoping to find a clue of some kind. “I wouldn't want to insult your intelligence, and I may be well out of line,’ his fingers rubbing his unshaven chin as he spoken. “Is there any good reason for marrying that brother of mine? His eyes slowly lowering to rest on the obvious flat stomach.
Jo shocked at his insinuation, stared wide eyed her mouth agape before managing to declare how wrong he was.
“God above,” she declared “you're no different to the rest of them. So that’s what you're all thinking, I don’t know why I married your screwball brother I must need my bloody head testing. “She fought to control the tears that welled in her eyes.
Ben rose from his seat, wishing he had kept his thoughts to himself as he led her from the chair, embracing her delicate frame has the tears flowed, “Hey let it out baby. If I had known I would have kept my trap shut.”
“I’m sorry you must think me some kind of floozy.”
“I don’t think anything of the kind and I don’t need an explanation, unless you want to confide in someone.” Jo explained how she had come to marry Brandon, her short lived freedom in Seattle even the fear of her Pa had come to the surface.
Ben sighed wiping the last of the tears from her swollen eyes, he had not spoken ill of Brandon yet she sensed there was no love lost between them.
Heading back towards the truck he wondered how the hell a marriage like theirs could possibly blossom into something more positive, it was clear from the way Jo talked she hoped for the Father figure that had been lacking in her life, as for his brother God only knows why he wanted a wife, the way he mistrusted the opposite sex, he could barely remember seeing Brandon with a woman except the type you paid for.
Jo regained her composure not sure if she felt better or worse after confiding in Ben ,she had no choice other than make this marriage work but baring her soul to his brother that way left a guilty feeling that was hard to shake free. She spent the rest of the day arranging her new home till satisfaction made her heart lighter.
Dinner was left on a low light has she busily prepared the table, she could hear Brandon making light conversation with Mike, Ben disagreeing with whatever they were discussing as they made their entrance to the kitchen, Brandon admiring his wife as she prepared to lift the casserole from the oven, “my you're a sight for sore eyes,” he declared swiping her across the butt, has he opened the fridge door retrieving some cans of beer.
Jo smiled determined to make the best of the situation, nothing was mentioned about Ben being around that morning, and for some strange reason she didn't think Brandon would appreciate the idea.
By the end of the week she had made a list of groceries that needed purchasing at the general store, Brandon had agreed it was time the towns folk clapped eyes on them sharing an afternoon together, the small town bustling with folk going about their usual routine, men in the hardware store, the bookies with their regular clientele Brandon amongst them.
Jo sought the butchers, for once feeling pretty pleased with herself as neighbours made slight
Conversation
, it was later on in the day when Brandon appeared back at the truck, Jo’s blood boiled as she waited patiently trying to curb her temper, he was worse for drink and she recalled the treacherous mountain trail.
“For God's sake are you trying to get us both killed” she demanded as they approached the sharp bend in the winding road.
Brandon gripped the steering wheel and forced his foot down hard on the brake bringing them to an abrupt stop. “Don’t you ever raise your voice, look at me,” he demanded grabbing her chin with his rough hand forcing her to meet his bloodshot eyes,” you have a choice you keep that buttoned,” he sneered pressing her lips firmly together causing Jo to wince, “or you walk.”
Later that day she realized what a crazy fool she had been, Johnny Cash blared from the stereo Brandon had forced her to kneel over the settee she felt the hot touch of his hands caressing the raw skin where he had swiped her till she bled, his long broad fingers forcing her apart has he entered counting the fingers out loud, “one” his husky voice declared daring her to cry out so he could thrash her again, “two” his fingers twisted and turned till he felt her squirm beneath,” Ah it’s my bloody hand you're after,” he laughed,” I’m afraid that will have to wait,” slowly sliding his fingers out the way to make room for the throbbing of his erection.
Jo had realized to argue was a big mistake unless you were intent on taking his punishment which came in any form he felt fit, she was convinced he needed help she even suggested the fact, he blew hot and cold, the evil that registered in those grey eyes terrified the life out of her.
CHAPTER SEVEN
The calm before the storm Jo sighed, glancing over the tranquil setting of the lake the Canada geese showed no cause for alarm as she made her way to the water’s edge.
How hard to believe such misery could exist in a place so calm and peaceful.
A lone tear escaped from the heavy eyelids that had seen very little sleep over the last few days, as she fought to come to terms with the heartache of the last eighteen months.
Her palms rested gently on the small round of her stomach wondering what it would be like if left to nature.
Tears burned her cheeks great gulping sounds emerging from the heart of her sole has Brandon’s words echoed around the mountains.
Crazy was the only word for believing for one minute he would have welcomed the child,
evil through and through, was the only way to describe what she thought of him.
She turned towards the lake Betsy had been on her mind all day ,she shuddered at the thought of how she would feel if her friend was to discover what it was she was about to do this day. Oh what a coward she had been that day any excuse could have been given to prolong the outcome, she gulped has the tears flowed ,like an obedient child led to the slaughter, the shame she felt when recalling that fateful day now she would have to live with her conscience.
She had seen nothing of Ben since his bust up with his brother, though she missed his sense of humour she was glad he wasn’t around to witness the terrible sin she was about to commit later on that day, tears flowed, her future held in the balance, so long as there was breath in her body she would feel the agonizing guilt of what she was about to do.
Leaves formed a carpet along the driveway, summer had soon turned to fall and the rich vibrant colours of red and gold leaves made a beautiful autumn scene with the mountains in their entire splendour reaching far beyond the cloudy sky.
Abortion has far has she was concerned was out of the question, almost twelve weeks and she had grown so weary of her husband nagging and blaming her for the pregnancy that she finally agreed to go along and see the fanatical practitioner, who as he so conveniently phrased it would take care of our little problem.
It was almost seven thirty when the truck parked alongside the stone building, the curtains at both windows were drawn and the house seemed in darkness.
Brandon banged his fist heavily on the low wooden door, her heart hung heavy in her chest has the hinges started to creak and the heavy set woman appeared in the doorway her dark grey eyes assessing the patient. Doctors waiting she managed to groan turning on her heels for them to follow, the corridor was full length of the house and she couldn't prevent her knees from trembling, the last thing she would do was hold on to her husband for support. For this and a thousand more reasons she would never forgive him.
Jo sat on the edge of the leather chair observing the elderly man behind the desk, as he tried to explain the minor operation. There would be no need for gas and air; you seem a strong young woman the doctor stated.
Her mind could hardly focus on what he was saying has the anxiety built up inside her, grasping part of the conversation she heard him mention the embryo being taken from the womb, and maybe a slight sedative could be given. Brandon agreed.
“Are you a qualified gynaecologist? ‘She asked nervously.
“A retired practitioner madam,” he stated making it clear he didn’t care for the intrusion.
“If you’ll be kind enough to follow my associate will show you where to go, why I make the final arrangements with your husband.”
She couldn't bring herself to look back has he tried to grasp her hand in a sign of comfort, the room was long and narrow a small sink with a silver trolley at the side covered in a white cloth with various utensils.
Jo shuddered.
“If you will be kind enough to undress there's a gown hanging in the locker,” Jo followed the direction of the woman's eyes then did as she was told.
“When you're ready making yourself comfortable on the bed, the doctor will be along shortly.”
After trying to fasten the long piece of cotton that rendered two holes for sleeves she did as she was asked.
The doctor appeared this time looking more professional in his white coat, he made his way to the sink washed then prepared the needle ready for the injection, which he gently eased into the top of her thigh, ‘this will only take a minute then you should feel your body relax.’
She hoped so as he lifted the cotton gown from around her thighs, the woman assisted him, “bend your legs and allow your knees to fall to the side,” she stated in a more serene tone.
She watched trying to will her knees from shaking as the doctor placed his hands in the sterile gloves.
“It will all be over soon,” he declared.
She noticed the metal instrument he handed to his partner, he glanced her way then nodded, and she stood holding the long metal object as the doc opened her wide.
At first the burning shame flowed through her body, and then his well lubricated hand eased its way inside.
“No.! she screamed as her inside was stretched beyond endurance the instrument deep within, she heaved her way up the bed, the assistant was quick to pull her back, fastening the leather straps around her waist to prevent any movement, her feet were hoisted and held apart the excruciating burning pain was more than she could take.
Later that night Brandon left her to rest, after the shock of seeing her in such a state he vowed to take care for her till she fully recovered.
Jo glanced out towards the lake from the living room window. A storm was brewing the sky was fierce nasty weather was evident. Brandon would be making his way home soon.
The squally weather over the last few weeks had almost brought the logging company to a standstill and Brandon’s presence in the house was almost unbearable.
It was two weeks to the day since her husband had ordered Ben to leave; never had she felt such loathing for anyone as she did on that day.
Ben had played the Good Samaritan. He had driven her into town bags packed and all, as they pulled in at the bus terminal Brandon appeared from nowhere. With screeching brakes he slammed on in front of them.
Jo cringed as she recalled how he had dragged her from Ben’s pickup, hurling abuse brandishing his shotgun in Ben’s direction, “just do as he says”, Ben ordered, “I’ll be back”.
Since Ben’s departure Mike had come to live with them, Brandon didn’t care for him being alone in the log cabin, further down river, his presence in the house didn’t make life any easier as he agreed with everything her husband said, she couldn’t actually say what was wrong with the lad he was quick at reckoning, he could read and write as well has the next person, but he always seemed lost in thought, no mind of his own.
All hope of finding a new life was abandoned now Ben was no longer around.
Her despondency grew deeper by the day.
Brandon claimed he loved her more than any man could ever love; she had watched him cry and beg her forgiveness over so of the vile things he had done.
Any feeling she had for him in the past had turned to nothing less than hate, and a fear she hoped no other woman would ever endure.
As the truck came to a halt on the pebble drive, she set three plates on the table, and then removed the potato pie from the oven placing it in the centre. Her stomach felt in knots has it usually did when Brandon made his entrance. Mike was the first to enter the kitchen, he seemed in good spirits.
“Sure smells good,” he remarked making his way to the sink, “she’s a darn good cook, aren’t you honey,” he declared swiping his wife across the butt in a playful fashion.
“By the way,” he was saying as he seated himself at the table,” if the storm passes I’m going to take you to see your kin, you Pa must be down on logs by now, and I’m sure that sister of yours would be glad to see ya.” For the first time in weeks Jo felt her heavy heart lifting. “That would be nice,” she acknowledged.
“Thought we would take Mike along for the ride”’ he added.
Jo didn’t like the thought of Mike tagging along, though she kept her feeling to herself.
Mike spelled trouble this she had observed in the eighteen months she had been there.
“Do you think it will pass” she asked glancing towards the window, it sure seemed dark to her.
“Think so it’s blowing from the south,” Brandon declared filling his fork with the food in front of him.
Brandon had proved right. Two hours later when half a dozen cans of beer had been consumed; they drove down the mountain pass she sat between her husband and Mike.
It was the first time she had been back and she prayed she could find time to talk to Lydia alone. She had no idea in what way her sister could help; just the thought filled her with optimism.
Jo glanced around the cabin it seemed so small, nothing had changed her sister had taken over the chores; everything seemed the same as she left it, including her Pa. It was as though her existence was nil, Brandon claimed his full attention.
Mike made himself at home on a chair near the table, while Brandon ordered Giles out of the seat that he had so often claimed in the past.
Pa asked Lidia to bring the stone jug of beer from the cool room and four mugs.
Jo waited patiently in the kitchen.
As soon as the men were busy in conversation Lidia joined her. They embraced for a moment before observing one another. “You've lost weight,” Lidia implied full of concern,
“You look fantastic, “and she meant every word. “So Pa’s not been bossing you around too much?.
“No it’s not been that bad, I expected worse maybe he’s mellowing in his old age,” she whispered. “What about you Jo,” she asked observing the collar bones jutting out of her shoulders.
What could she say and what point would it serve, only causing her sis to worry, and that wouldn't help her problem any. If anything it would make her feels bad.” I’m fine Jo lied, now tell me as your school work improved at all.”
“I doubt if I’ll ever be as intelligent as you, and you had so much catching up to do,” Lidia babbled on ‘how did you do it Jo? Let everything sink in the way you did.”
“Probably because I had a late start, I knew more than anyone how important it was to grasp any knowledge that could be given.
Jo wished her sister had more worldly wisdom and not been so vulnerable. Maybe then she could have confided in her, if only to remove some weight from her shoulders.
That had always been the way of life, she was the one with all the knowledge and the guts, but since that night back in Seattle even her guts had failed her, and her knowledge seemed to have no importance. And come to think of it were the worldly wisdom when she needed it the most she was no less vulnerable than her sister.
An hour later Mike appeared in the doorway looking worse for drink.
“Brandon reckons it’s time to be moving,” his words slurred.
Jo gave Lidia a sisterly hug, shook the hand of her brother, then glanced across the room to where her Pa was seated. He acknowledged with nothing more than a lift of his hand before it ventured towards the table was his mug of ale waited.
Brandon was already seated in the truck, his hand tapping restlessly on the steering wheel. Mike stayed put rising slightly allowing Jo to slide over.
Brandon made little conversation on the way home it was Mike who had the talks.
“One of the work hands reckons Ben was in town at midday, “leaning over Jo with vile breath.
“So long as he keeps the hell outta my way,” Brandon replied giving the impression he was aware of the fact.
Jo stiffened, wishing Mike would shut the hell up. He seemed to gloat when trouble was brewing, and it was brewing alright. She was aware of the ghastly impression “More than his bloody life’s worth,” Brandon grunted, “the bloody parasite,” he was hissing now. “I’ve no doubt you made it worth his while” his cold eyes glared putting the fear of God into her.
“I’ve told you before it was nothing like you’re insinuating” Jo’s voice quivered.
“Then why the bloody hell should a man want to run off with his brother’s wife? Answer me that one. “He demanded.
“Please not in front of Mike.”
“I’ll say what the bloody hell I please in front of him,” his fingers shaking in the direction of his brother,” at least he’s loyal and gets no reward for it. Maybe I should encourage you to get laid more often, Hey Mike? His head turned towards his brother.
Jo placed her hands over her ears and yelled as her husband’s concentration misjudged
the sharp bend, he fought desperately with the steering wheel, to overcome the danger.
Jo wondered which would have been the worse fate when the ordeal was over and they neared theCabin.” Come to think of it Mike” Brandon resumed, “Why the hell shouldn’t you have a taste of what Bens had. His hand coming to rest on Jo’s knee - not bad hey?”
Mike sniggered; his eyes resting on were his brother roamed his hand wondering if it would be wise to answer. He decided against it, but it sure turned him on.
Jo become rigid there was no doubt in her mind her husband was capable of anything.
“Well not tonight brother” he commanded,” maybe another time.”
The truck came to a halt. “I have some unfinished business, better go straight up early start in the morning,” he declared to Mike, with eyes has cold has Steele directed towards his wife.
Jo glanced back to the mountain trail she felt a desperate urge to run, Fear churned her stomach her boggled mind baffled against her panic stricken brain, the desperation confused her mind she knew the possibility was nil or she would have gone long ago, there was no place on earth to hide, hadn't he warned her so many times.
Brandon walked through to the living room where he poured himself a whiskey; Jo watched trembling in the archway.
“Where did it take place,” he asked far too casual.
Jo hesitated knowing what was coming next, her lips quivered as she tried to pluck up the courage to talk. “Nothing took place anywhere,” she managed to mutter.
“Don’t play the innocent with me, you pathetic bitch” he declared with rising temper as he made his move towards her.” Where did you convince my brother you were worth the risk? His right hand gripped her chin forcing her head upwards,” answer me! He yelled.
“Please for God’s sake stop it, she cried it wasn’t like that.”
“It wasn’t like that,” he mimicked like a self-centred bully who held all the odds, his hand released its hold, with one mighty swipe he forced the back of it against her face knocking her off balance, his left fist sent a blow to her ribs.
Jo crumbled to the ground, foaming with rage he continued forcing his boot in her ribs, till at last alarm bells began to ring, has she lay motionless he stared resigned to the tragic creature that lay at his feet,
“You should never have hurt me , you only have yourself to blame” he cried, trying to justify
his shameful outburst. “Oh hell baby I’m sorry,” he sobbed as he bent down to cradle her.
The limp body didn’t respond only her heaving breast brought consultation as he carried her upstairs.
“Come on baby’ his ashen face pleaded smoothing his fingers gently over her cheek, there came no response has he lay the ghost like figure on the bed. “For pity's sake, wake up baby, forgive me, God forgive me,” he whispered with regret.
Jo’s semi-conscious state heard his plea her blurred eyes focused on his face, she was not sure if she could focus bodily or whether she had the will. Her eyelids hung heavy, gently closing till she could no longer see, sick at heart she shut herself off mentally and physically, blotting out everything apart from the loathing in her mind.