Hell's Revenge (9 page)

I eyed the large package for only a second before tearing the pink paper and bow off to reveal a, I read the label, breast pump.

“What the heck is this for?” I exclaimed as I went cross-eyed looking at the medieval contraption that seemed to promise pain to my poor boobies.

“I’ve been reading up on this and you know, the doctors all seem to agree that breast feeding is the best form of nutrition for a baby. I thought a breast pump would be a way you could provide the best for the child while still maintaining some of your freedom.” My father smiled even wider.

I choked and Auric, his eyes suspiciously bright, hurried around to the back of me to rub my back while David turned around, his shoulders shaking suspiciously. “You were reading up on babies?” I sputtered.

“Of course I was. Do you realize this will be my first non-demonic granddaughter?” I gaped at my dad. “Holy fuck. You’re actually excited about this. Didn’t Nefertiti tell you that my little bun in the oven might end the world?” Dad shrugged. “A little apocalypse never caused permanent damage. Heck, my brother God threw a temper tantrum years ago and flooded the mortal plane. People called it the end of the world at the time, but what do you know, humanity made a comeback with the help of that Noah fellow.”

I couldn’t help myself. I laughed. “I love you dad.” My father, Lord of the pit, scourge of mankind, squirmed, and while I couldn’t be sure with his tanned complexion, I think he even blushed. “Yes, well, I’m fond of you too. Just don’t tell anyone.”

I loved these rare mushy moments where my dad, in his own perverse way, showed me his affection. “Don’t worry, no one would believe me anyway,” I replied with a smirk. “Any news on Azazel?” I asked before taking a big bite of the banana David placed in front of me. It seemed my men were determined to make sure I ate well, their way of showing support and love for me and our child. It was enough to make me gag, but I’d allow it for now. Besides, if they intended to keep feeding me, I’d enjoy it. My appetite currently knew no bounds.

“My hunter found Azazel’s tracks coming out of the Styx, but then lost them when they disappeared into the wilds of Hell. We’re assembling some squads to go in after him.”

“Maybe we’ll get lucky and something will eat him,” I grumbled.

“The spell of immortality has been pulled from him, so you may get your wish. On another note, your mother really wants to speak with you.” My dad tossed that out there and then retreated behind the kitchen island. Ha, like that flimsy barrier would stop me if I got pissed.

I scowled. “Sure she wants to talk to me. I mean, she’s so keen on reconnecting, that’s why she hasn’t called.” And no, that ache in my heart had nothing to do with her lack of attempt to reconcile.

My dad grinned. “She’s afraid you’ll crawl through the phone to strangle her. You really made quite the impression on her.”

I chortled. “Good.”

“I think we should talk with her,” Auric chimed in.

I glared daggers at him. “I have nothing to say to that woman.” I lied. I had a zillion questions, but given my recent emotional stability, I doubted my ability to ask them and then receive the answers without turning into a blubbering mess. Given a choice, I’d take my usual psychotic self over emotional any day.

My dad sighed. “That’s what I thought you’d say, but I told Gaia I’d try. If you change your mind, here’s her number.”

He slid a great big green leaf over to me and with a you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me look, I took it. It seemed higher powers just couldn’t do things in a normal fashion.

Whatever happened to scribbling a real phone number on a napkin? I stored the leaf for later use—I never knew when we might run out of toilet paper.

I chatted with my dad as he outlined grandiose plans he had for creating a playroom in his castle for his granddaughter with all the best inventions a child could ask for. I did have to point out that it’d be a couple of years before she could play Rock Band with my dad and lovers. That didn’t stop them at all from arguing over who got to be drummer.

The whole thing touched me and threatened to draw more dreaded tears.
I am turning into
a ginormous pussy.

I wandered away from them over to the bank of windows. I stared unseeing outside, the cogs of the wheel in my mind turning and churning out a plan. The type of plan my consort and kitty cat wouldn’t like at all.

A little voice in my head niggled me about the fact I’d promised Auric to not lie and come up with these brilliant ideas without involving him. However, some shames, such as why my own mother ditched me and refused to love me, were ones I wanted to deal with head on—by myself.

Auric might not trust her, but she didn’t scare me. It was probably dumb of me, but given she wanted the child I carried, I didn’t think she’d hurt me, not until after the birth anyway. Then I’d wager all bets would be off.

“Don’t you dare.” Auric’s voice so close to my ear made me shiver. Why was it I could never sense him approaching?

“What are you talking about?” I asked, a tad too brightly. I didn’t turn to face him certain my guilty thoughts would show in the color of my cheeks.

“Any idiot with half a brain can see the smoke coming from your ears as you think up some stupidly dangerous plot.” His arms braced themselves on the windows, penning me in, not that I minded, especially when he pressed himself up against my back.

I sighed. “You know this whole soulmate thing sucks sometimes. Can’t a girl have a secret?”

“Yes, my soulmate sucks and rather well, too. But, let’s not get off track. You plus a secret equals danger times a billion. So spill it before I cut you off from this.” He grabbed my hand and placed it on his crotch.

I whirled and faced him with wide eyes. “You wouldn’t dare? You know I need sex.”

“And I need you to not go off halfcocked on some mad scheme that will get you in trouble. So again, spill it.”

“I’d rather not.” Auric had my father beat when it came to giving ‘the look’ and I fidgeted, avoiding his gaze. I swear, for a fallen angel, he had some wicked mojo powers.

One look in his eyes and I tended to promise things I had no intention of doing. Like doing the dishes and picking up after myself.

“Lucifer, I’m going to beat your daughter,” Auric said in a tight voice.

“Go ahead. Stubborn chit never did listen to me.”

“Dad!” I couldn’t believe my own father had thrown me under the bus, especially considering who I’d inherited the pigheaded gene from.

“What? The boy has a point. You’re stubborn. Don’t know where you get that from.” I flicked a finger at my father, to no effect. My dad grinned at me and I stuck out my tongue in a mature comeback.

Auric crossed his arms and continued to glare at me. With a sigh, I gave in. “Fine. I was thinking of going to see my mother.”

Auric arched a brow. “Is it me, or didn’t you, like just a minute ago, swear you wouldn’t?”

“I’m a girl. It’s my prerogative to change my mind as many times as I like.” I smiled sweetly and batted my lashes.

“And I’m a man so it’s my right to say you are not going unless both David and I are with you.”

“And me,” my dad interjected. “Gaia is not as weak as you’d like to believe, Muriel.

Some parts of my past with her are still fuzzy, but I do remember enough to know you don’t want to cross her. She has a nasty temper. Just ask Pompeii.” My dad’s statement distracted me from the men who needed lessons in the whole women-can-stand-on-their-own-two-feet situation. “Who the heck is Pompeii?”

“Not who, where. Forget it. The point is while I’m proud you’ve decided to face her and get some answers, the fact remains she’s very dangerous and you shouldn’t go alone.”

“Gee, Daddy, are you going to start holding my hand when I cross the road again too?” My sarcastic comeback made David, who was watching the verbal sparring with interest, hide a grin behind his hand.

“I’m going to ground you if you keep lipping me, girl.” My father’s eyes began to burn in that special way only my family has the right to. Like the coals of Hell, we were like freaking Rudolph with eyes instead of noses.

“And if you keep pissing me off I won’t name the baby after you,” I retorted.

I slapped a hand over my mouth as I slipped up on my surprise, too late. My father heard and the expression on his face was priceless. Actually, it kind of matched the look on my lovers’ faces, too.

“Hey, don’t look at me like that. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve had the names of my children chosen out. Lucinda Bambi for a girl and Lucifer Philokrates for a boy. Of course, now that I think of it, I guess you guys might want a say.”

“I think Lucinda Bambi is a fine name” Auric said with a gentle smile.

David grinned. “I’m easy. Whatever makes you happy.” My dad, with suspiciously moist eyes, shoved Auric aside and hugged me tight in an uncharacteristic gesture of affection. He whispered in my ear, low and probably spelled for my ears only. “I love you, Muriel. You do a father proud. But if you tell anyone, I’ll cut your tongue out.”

I gave him a big wet, loud kiss on the cheek in reply. My dad cleared his throat and moved away trying to look gruff and commanding. I just thought he looked cute.

I clapped my hands and grinned. “Okay, now that we’ve gotten all stupidly sentimental and decided I’m taking a whole posse to visit Gaia, I need some food. I’m starved again.”

“Let’s go out for dinner,” my father suggested.

“But the bar?” I protested only halfheartedly, already drooling at the thought of the things I could order and sink my teeth into.

“Your staff can handle the bar for one night,” Auric replied.

“Besides, it’s my treat,” my father announced magnanimously.

I clutched my heart. “Geez, dad, are you trying to kill me today?”

“Smart ass. Don’t make me give you a zit on your nose.” To gales of laughter and more good natured ribbing, we went to dinner where I stuffed my face. Steak, potatoes, Caesar salad, garlic bread, part of Auric’s lobster tail, several of David’s shrimp. I would have tried some of my dad’s chicken, but he threatened me with the tines of his fork, so I settled for two kinds of cheesecake for dessert.

I patted my satisfied belly after dinner and almost froze in horror. The bulge at my midsection was already becoming more distinct, bringing Nefertiti’s words to mind.
I’ll
have to go back and ask her how quick this baby’s coming.
At the rate I seemed to be going, I’d give birth within the month. And I hadn’t even had a chance to go shopping for girl clothes yet!

The several glasses of water I drank with dinner made their presence known. I excused myself and headed to the ladies washroom. The weight of Auric’s gaze settled on my back. The only reason he didn’t physically follow me was because he knew there were no windows in the bathroom and he could see the door from where he sat. Paranoia was his constant companion where I was concerned. Me, I had no fear. Public places crawling with humans were as safe as I could get. Besides, I had enough faith in my abilities to protect myself if the need arose and a wicked scream that would fetch my boys if the situation got sticky.

I pushed into the bathroom which buzzed with feminine laughter as other diners refreshed their lipstick. Nothing tickled my senses as I moved further into the washroom.

A good thing, else I might have peed on myself. I really had to go. I chose the furthermost stall whose door hung ajar. I walked in and stopped dead.

I whirled, but the bathroom and its antiseptic smell had disappeared. Instead, I found myself in a lush garden overflowing with flowers.

I guess I should have brought Auric along to wipe my ass after all.

I refused to allow myself to panic at my sudden dimension hop. Instead, with my head held high, I turned in a three hundred and sixty degree circle to take stock of my location. Seeing nothing, I took care of business first. I dropped my pants and did a weird squat with my ass hanging out. I tried not to whistle as I relieved myself. Done, I zipped up and moved away from the pond I’d created, congratulating myself on missing my feet.

Aim was for boys, girls just prayed they weren’t on a slope.

Feeling better, I took stock of my location. Wherever I found myself, it sure appeared pretty. Lush plants grew all over the place, their vivid green foliage a beautiful counterpoint to the bright blooms flowering all over the place. Trees, majestic and tall, stretched up to a sky so blue, I realized I hadn’t just left Kansas, I was no longer in the good old United States of America. I could see no signs of life, nor hear any, not even the humming or buzz of insects. Eerie, kind of like when the power went out and the apartment went dead silent.

My body tense, I kept pivoting to see something, anything, in this garden that surely rivaled that of the legendary Eden.

And just that quickly, I knew who’d kidnapped me.

“Gaia,” I spat.

“Won’t you call me mother?” The petite form of the bitch who’d stolen me from under my lovers’ and father’s nose emerged from the jungle. Dressed like some kind of a wood nymph in a green gossamer gown with a crown of flowers, she would have appeared cute if not for the smirk on her face. A smirk I’d gladly wipe off.

“How about I call you dead meat?” I lunged at the cow, intending to show her what I thought about her little kidnapping stunt but I hit a barrier and bounced back. I retained my balance, but my temper broke through my wall of cool. “You send me back right this instant. I’m the one who decides when and where we speak.” She tsked me. “You were taking too long. Besides, I overheard your father and lovers planning to come along. I thought we’d get more accomplished talking face to face. Mother to daughter. So calm down and act your age.” Talk about waving a red flag. I’d act whatever age I damned well pleased, and right now, the terrible twos with their inevitable tantrums really appealed. Common sense reared its head, which really surprised me. I didn’t often hear from that particular facet of myself. It pointed out something interesting. Gaia currently held the upper hand, or thought she did. But mommy dearest had forgotten one thing—she wasn’t the only one with power. After last night’s orgy, I overflowed with it.