Helping Hand (13 page)

hands up to Mac’s face and gently pulled him away. His cock flopped

wetly onto his belly, and Mac stared up at him , pupils huge in the dim

light and his lips wet and parted.

“Com e here,” Jez whispered.

Mac crawled up his body and into his arm s, and they kissed,

passionately at first and then gradually becom ing gentler, sweeter, until

Jez’s heart stopped pounding and his head stopped spinning. He was

exhausted but exhilarated too, filled with a heady com bination of

excitem ent and fear. Tonight had brought every thing into focus. There

was no way he could pretend that this was still j ust about sex. May be it

had been about m ore than sex for a while, but he hadn’t let him self see it.

He couldn’t ignore it any m ore, though. His feelings for Mac had raced

about a m illion m iles past friendship, and there was no going back for Jez

now.

“That was am azing,” he said honestly.

“Yeah.” Mac followed the word with a final soft kiss to Jez’s lips.

Jez wasn’t brave enough to say any m ore. He sighed. How could he

tell Mac he’d fallen for him ? Mac was straight. Jez couldn’t give him what

he really wanted. This was buddy fucking, friends with benefits, straight

guy s experim enting—or not so straight in Jez’s case, but Mac didn’t know

that. May be if Jez told Mac how he felt, Mac would feel that Jez had used

him or tricked him som ehow.

Mac y awned, and his arm over Jez’s torso grew heavier as he

relaxed. “Can I stay ?” Mac m urm ured. “I’m too tired to m ove.”

“Sure.”

Mac rested his head on Jez’s shoulder, and Jez brought his hand up to

stroke Mac’s close-cropped hair. It was like velvet against his palm , and

Mac’s warm breath ghosted over Jez’s bare skin, slowing and becom ing

deeper as Mac drifted into sleep.

They ’d crossed so m any lines tonight. Jez’s exhilaration was already

giving way to unease as a little voice whispered that he ought to talk to

Mac. In his heart, Jez knew he shouldn’t get in any deeper, not when Mac

didn’t feel the sam e. But the warm th of Mac’s body against his felt too

good. With their arm s wrapped around each other and their legs tangled

together, it felt as though they were lovers. It felt real, and Jez could

pretend he had what he wanted.

Just for tonight, he told him self. I’ll talk to him in the morning.

Although he was exhausted, Jez lay awake for a long tim e. Anxiety

niggled at the back of his m ind, sending chilly tendrils through him ,

curling into his belly and tightening in a band around his chest. Beside him

Mac snored softly, his body lim p and as heavy as Jez’s heart. What the

fuck had he been thinking, getting involved with Mac like this? He hadn’t

been thinking—that was the trouble. The whole thing had been a slippery

slope, and Jez had never been in control of it, not from the first tim e

they ’d wanked together.

May be he should put an end to it. If this was buddy fucking for Mac,

then surely he wouldn’t care m uch. His grades had im proved with Jez’s

help, so there was no reason for him not to start going out and hooking up

again. Jez’s stom ach lurched at the thought of Mac bringing som eone else

hom e, and the surge of nausea-inducing j ealousy only served to

reinforce his gut feeling that he should probably get out of this hole he

was digging now, before he got any deeper.

Chapter Thirteen

Jez m ust have eventually fallen asleep and then slept soundly,

because the next thing he was aware of was the sound of a sharp knock.

He barely had tim e to register where he was and the position they were

in—still snuggled up together in a sprawl of lim bs—before he heard the

door opening and Shawn’s strident tones filled the peaceful silence.

“Hey, Jez. Sorry to wake y ou, but can I borrow y our—”

They never found out what Shawn wanted to borrow. There was a

pause, and then Shawn exclaim ed, “What the fuck?”

Mac rolled off Jez so fast he took the covers with him . The cold air

hit Jez’s bare arse. He squawked and clutched at the duvet, y anking it

back, but not before Shawn had probably got an ey eful if the m uffled

“Oh m y God” was any thing to go by. Jez rolled onto his back, shoulder to

shoulder with Mac, and raised his head to see Shawn’s shocked face.

“Jesus Christ, Shawn. Haven’t y ou heard of knocking?” Mac

growled.

“I did bloody knock.” Shawn was still staring, his gaze flitting from

one to the other of them . The expression on his face would be alm ost

com ical if it weren’t for the situation. “But seriously. What the fuck?”

Jez didn’t see m uch point in try ing to deny it, but he still had no idea

what to say. Mac was clearly having the sam e trouble.

Finally Jez broke the hideously uncom fortable silence with a lam e

attem pt at hum our. “If I told y ou we’d play ed strip poker and then fallen

asleep, would y ou believe m e?” He tried for a sm ile, but it probably

cam e out m ore of a grim ace.

Shawn carried on gaping. But Mac snorted, seem ingly am used by

Jez—fuck knew why.

“Yeah,” Mac said. “And then it was cold, so we had to snuggle.”

Jez burst into totally inappropriate laughter, and the nerves com bined

with the unexpected release of tension m ade him laugh louder and longer

than the j oke warranted.

Shawn shook his head. “You two are fucking crazy. I’m going to go

and bleach m y brain.” There was an undertone of genuine disgust that

cut through Jez’s m om ent of hy steria and sobered him up abruptly.

“Fuck y ou,” he snapped.

“No thanks.” Shawn curled his lip. “That’s not m y scene. Didn’t know

it was y ours either—or y ours, Mac. You think y ou know som eone….” He

turned and left, slam m ing the door behind him before either of them

could stop him , even if they ’d wanted to.

“Bollocks.” Mac was the first to speak. “Bollocks, arse, fuck!”

Jez didn’t have any thing to add. He resisted the urge to quip that that

had been what had got them into this m ess in the first place.

“I can’t believe we didn’t lock the fucking door last night.” Mac was

ranting now. “And who goes barging in on som eone at”—he looked over

at the alarm clock—“quarter to nine on a Saturday m orning any way ?

Fuck. I don’t believe this is happening.” Mac’s face was flushed and he

looked furious and upset.

Jez’s stom ach lurched. The rem inder that he was Mac’s dirty little

secret didn’t m ake him feel good at all. Not that he’d wanted to be open

about it or any thing, but he’d alway s assum ed Mac had m ore invested in

keeping it under wraps. It looked like he was right, from Mac’s reaction to

being outed.

“Let m e go and talk to him .” Jez pushed the covers aside and

scram bled out of bed. When he m oved, a slight twinge in his arse

rem inded him of what they ’d done last night. “I’ll try and catch him

before he say s any thing to any one.” He grabbed his clothes and started

to pull them on, desperate to cover his nakedness in the cold light of day.

“I’ll tell him it was nothing. That it was a one-tim e thing, that we were

drunk and passed out after watching porn and j erking each other off or

som ething. I m ean, he’ll still think it’s gay, but that won’t sound as bad,

right?”

Jez was dressed now, and he m et Mac’s gaze. Mac’s expression was

tense.

“Um … y eah. Okay.” His voice sounded strained. “Yeah. Tell him

whatever y ou want. Whatever y ou think will help.”

Jez went to Shawn’s room , but he wasn’t there. He cursed under his

breath and then ran down the stairs, following the sound of cupboard

doors slam m ing and the clatter of the cutlery drawer. In the kitchen he

found Shawn and Mike. They were both dressed in sports clothes; Jez

hadn’t noticed what Shawn was wearing before.

Shawn had his back to the door when Jez entered. Jez was alm ost

afraid to look at Mike. Had Shawn already told him what he’d seen?

But Mike looked up from the cereal he was pouring out, sm iled, and

gave him a cheery, “Hi.” There was nothing in his expression to suggest

that he knew.

“Uh, hi. You guy s are up early. What’s going on?”

“We lost a bet last night, prom ised Katie off m y course and her

friend that we’d play squash with them this m orning.”

“Oh.” Jez tried to sum m on up the will to sm ile. “I bet that’ll be fun

with a hangover.”

“Well, at this rate we won’t get to play, because Shawn’s racket’s

broken. That’s why he cam e to borrow y ours. Sham e y ou’ve lost it.”

Relief flooded Jez as his suspicions were confirm ed. Shawn had kept

his m outh shut. “Yeah. You can probably hire one, though.”

“Yeah.” Mike picked up his bowl and headed for the kitchen door.

Jez waited till he’d gone and then pushed the door shut, wanting to

m ake sure they weren’t overheard. Shawn still had his back to him . He

was standing over the toaster, glaring at it as though willing it to pop.

“Shawn, m ate,” Jez began.

“Don’t,” Shawn snapped. “I feel like I don’t know y ou at all

any m ore. But whatever. It’s not m y business.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake.” Jez’s irritation flared. “I’m exactly the sam e

person I’ve alway s been. What difference would it m ake if I was gay ?”

“Are y ou?” Shawn turned then, and his face was hard.

Jez took a breath and paused a m om ent. “I don’t know. I don’t think

so? But m ay be I’m not totally straight either.”

Shawn snorted. “D’y a think?”

“But any way, the point is, m e and Mac, it was j ust a one-tim e thing.

We’d had a few beers and stuff happened. It was nothing. Nothing that

m atters.” His gut lurched at the lie, because it did m atter to Jez. But

keeping their secret and protecting Mac m attered m ore. “So… please

don’t tell any one, okay ?”

Shawn stared at him . Jez felt each thum p of his heart while he

waited.

“Yeah,” he said finally. “Okay. Like I said—it’s none of m y business

any way.”

Jez guessed that was as good as he was going to get.

Once Shawn and Mike had left, Jez went back upstairs. His room was

em pty now, so he went to Mac’s and tapped on the door. Mac grunted

som ething that sounded like “Com e in.”

“Hey,” Jez said.

Mac was fully dressed and ly ing sprawled in the m iddle of his bed.

Jez sat awkwardly on the edge, and Mac didn’t m ove over to m ake space.

His face was shuttered and unhappy -looking.

“Stop stressing. Shawn’s not gonna say any thing.” Jez was pretty

sure they could trust him . He m ight be a bit of a twat som etim es, and he

clearly had issues with what he’d seen this m orning. But Shawn wasn’t

usually a troublem aker or a gossip. Jez didn’t think he’d drop them in it

with any of their other friends.

“Yeah? What did y ou say to him ?”

“Like I said to y ou. I told him it was a drunken one-off. That it didn’t

m ean any thing and wasn’t going to happen again. I thought that was best

for dam age lim itation.”

“Okay.” Mac didn’t look any happier.

“I’m sorry.”

“What? Why ?” Mac frowned, his dark ey es troubled.

“Well, it’s all m y fault, isn’t it? That any of this happened in the first

place. It was stupid. We should never have started it.” Once Jez began

talking, the words kept com ing. He felt sick, but he knew it was for the

best. It was tim e they put an end to this before any one else found out and

things got even m ore m essy and em barrassing. “Let’s call it a day, eh? It

was fun for a while, but it’s got out of hand.” He forced out the last words

over the lum p in his throat. “I think it’s best if we go back to being j ust

friends.”

Not that they ’d ever officially been m ore than friends any way.

“Oh. Okay, if that’s what y ou want.” Mac’s face was im passive, but

his voice caught. He cleared his throat. “It’s probably for the best.”

Jez nodded, his throat felt swollen and strange. “So, uh… I’m gonna

go.”

Mac lifted his hand as though he was going to stop him , but then he

clenched his fist and dropped it back to the bed. “See y ou later, then.”

“Yeah. See y a.”

Jez’s ey es prickled as he closed Mac’s bedroom door behind him .

What the hell? He’d never felt this sad about breaking up with a girlfriend,

and he and Mac had never even given what they had a nam e.

Fuck. It really hurt.

On Sunday Jez hid out in his bedroom for m ost of the day, only

venturing out to use the bathroom a couple of tim es. He was shocked at