Helping Hand (14 page)

how m iserable he felt. He tried to focus on study ing, but he was

distracted, going over the conversations they ’d had that m orning and

questioning whether he’d done the right thing. But surely if Mac had

wanted to carry on seeing—aka fucking—Jez, he would have put up m ore

of a fight? And he hadn’t protested. So, Jez m ust have m ade the right

decision in ending it. It was better to get out now before Mac worm ed his

way any deeper under Jez’s skin.

Finally in the afternoon, Jez was driven out of his room by hunger.

He was in a state, still wearing y esterday ’s clothes with his hair sticking

out in all directions, but he didn’t care. He fixed som e food—a tin of

spaghetti hoops on toast—and took it through to the living room , where he

found Mac, Shawn, and Mike play ing Call of Duty. Mike was the only one

who greeted him when he cam e in. Jez took his plate to the table in the

window and focused on his food so that he didn’t have to look at any of

them .

The atm osphere in the room seem ed norm al. Mac was m ay be a bit

quieter than usual. Mike and Shawn were trash-talking each other

constantly, but occasionally Mac would chip in. Jez wished he knew what

the hell was going on in his head. He risked a glance at Mac and his heart

twisted at the sight of him . As though he could read Jez’s m ind, Mac

m oved his ey es to m eet Jez’s. Their gazes locked for a m om ent, and

som ething passed over Mac’s face that m atched the regret thickening Jez’s

throat, m aking it hard for him to swallow his m outhful of food.

Jez was the one to look away first. He forced him self to fork m ore

food into his m outh, even though he could barely taste it.

Chapter Fourteen

The next week passed in a slow, lonely blur for Jez. He wasn’t sure

whether he was avoiding Mac or Mac was avoiding him —or a m ay be bit

of both—but the end result was the sam e. They hardly saw each other,

despite sharing a house and being on the sam e course. It was am azing

how easy it was to keep out of som eone’s way if y ou set y our m ind to it.

The city was swept by awful winter storm s that lasted day s. So,

apart from scurry ing to and from uni with his head down against the rain

and gales, Jez spent m ost of his tim e holed up in his room wallowing in

self-pity and listening to the windows rattle and the rain lash against them .

He lost him self in reading whenever he could. He started with book

one of the Harry Potter series; they ’d been his go-to com fort books since

he was a kid. He figured that if it took him a couple of weeks to reread

them all, he m ight be alm ost over Mac by the tim e he’d finished. Curled

up in bed, with a battered copy of one of his old favourites in his hand, Jez

could escape from his crappy reality for a few hours.

Jez m issed Mac so m uch m ore than he would have expected. There

was a m assive, Mac-shaped hole in his heart, and Jez hadn’t even realised

Mac had filled that space until it—whatever it was—was over. Now they

weren’t hanging out any m ore, he realised how m uch tim e they ’d spent

together. Study ing on his own was lonely, and lectures were boring when

he didn’t have Mac to nudge and pass notes to. Even chilling out at hom e

was crap without Mac for com pany.

He m issed Mac phy sically as well as em otionally. He dream ed

about him at night: about the strength of his body and the gentleness of his

hands, about the sweet intensity of his kisses. Afterwards, Jez woke up

hard in the sm all hours, with his cock aching as m uch as his heart. When

he brought him self off, his head was full of Mac, and as he lay panting in

the darkness after com ing, he felt em pty and unsatisfied.

The Friday after Jez had called things off with Mac, he was planning

on try ing to build som e bridges. He was hoping the others would go out,

so he could ask Mac to watch a film or play Mario Kart or som ething. He

wanted to get back to a new sort of norm al between them because the

uncom fortable avoidance was m aking him m iserable.

Jez hung around in the living room with Mac, Shawn, and Mike after

dinner, waiting for the others to head out for the night. Dani was away

again, and Josh was upstairs, presum ably getting ready to go out as he

usually did.

Shawn’s phone buzzed, and he grinned when he read the text.

“Katie and Jess—our squash partners from last weekend—are going

to be in the union bar tonight for happy hour, along with som e of their

friends. Sounds good to m e. Are y ou in, Mike?”

“Sure.”

“What about y ou, Mac… Jez?” Shawn asked. “Surely it’s about tim e

y ou rem inded y our dicks what they ’re for.”

His voice was teasing, the tone light, but Jez’s stom ach lurched. True

to his word, Shawn hadn’t said any thing to any one as far as Jez knew. But

the im plication in his words felt like a veiled threat, an acknowledgm ent

of the power he had over them .

Mike chuckled, but Mac kept his ey es glued to the TV. Only the

tightening of his hand on the arm of the sofa betray ed him .

Jez tried to ignore the hot flush of anger that swept through him .

Rising to the bait would only m ake Mike suspicious.

“Yeah, okay.” Mac’s voice was level. “I’m up-to-date with all m y

assignm ents for once. I reckon I deserve to get out.”

Jez’s heart sank. Of course Mac wouldn’t want to stay in with him

again, not after avoiding him like the plague all week.

“Gem m a m ight be there,” Mike said. “She’s been asking after y ou

ever since m y birthday. What about y ou, Jez? You gonna j oin us for a

change?”

Jez’s gut clenched at the m ention of Gem m a, but he shook his head.

“No. I’m still skint, rem em ber, especially since I lost m y j ob at the

café.”

“Not even for a couple?”

“No, sorry.”

There was no way Jez could face an evening of watching Gem m a

hitting on Mac again. He gave up try ing to finish the food on his plate,

abandoned it, and left, passing Josh on the stairs and accidentally

shouldering him as he hurried past to get to the privacy of his room .

“Hey. Are y ou all right?” Josh put his hand on Jez’s arm , m aking him

pause. Josh was dressed to go out in skintight indigo j eans, a leather

j acket, and a T-shirt that would have been low enough at the front to show

a lot of cleavage if he’d had one.

“Bad day.”

Josh squeezed Jez’s arm before releasing it. “I hope it gets better.”

Not much chance of that, Jez thought, but he replied autom atically,

“Thanks. Have a good night.”

Tucked away in his room again, Jez went back to reading. It was the

only escape from his m iserable thoughts. As he read he was occasionally

distracted by the sounds of doors banging and footsteps on the stairs as the

others got ready to go out. When all was quiet, Jez decam ped to the sofa

with a cup of hot chocolate and half a packet of biscuits. It was all he felt

like eating. He pulled a blanket over his knees and lost him self gratefully

in his book.

He wasn’t sure how m uch tim e had passed when he heard the sound

of the front door. His heart started pounding with anticipation: m ay be it

was Mac back early ?

God, please let him not have brought a girl back.

He listened for the sound of voices, alert and tense. When Josh cam e

in, alone, Jez relaxed. “Hey, what are y ou doing back already ?” It was

only half nine, according to the clock on the DVD play er.

“I was tired.” Josh sat on the sofa by Jez’s feet.

He did look exhausted. There were dark shadows under his ey es that

Jez hadn’t noticed earlier on the dim ly lit staircase. Jez’s ey es tracked

down, his attention drawn to a vivid m ark on Josh’s neck. He’d obviously

got lucky before heading hom e. Jez flashed back to the m em ory of Mac

and him kissing in the bathroom at the club j ust a couple of weeks ago.

That had been such an am azing night. Jez had felt like they ’d been poised

on the brink of som ething wonderful. How had it all gone so badly wrong?

He sighed.

“Trouble in paradise?” Josh asked.

“Huh?”

“You and Mac.” Josh’s green ey es were too knowing. “You’ve both

been m iserable all week. It’s obvious.”

“Really ? I m ean… y eah. I’ve not been the best. But I thought Mac

was okay. I haven’t seen m uch of him , to be honest.”

“He’s not okay.”

“Oh.” Jez felt a sm all twinge of hope, which he quickly tam ped

down. Because even if Mac was m issing him a little, it didn’t m ean they

should start things up again. After a week, Jez still felt raw whenever he

thought about Mac. What would be the point of rekindling their

relationship—such as it was—unless it had som e sort of future?

“You should talk to him .” Josh m ade it sound so easy. “I think y ou’re

on the sam e page.”

“It’s not as sim ple as that. Neither of us is out. Mac’s not even gay,

for fuck’s sake. He’s very clear about that.”

“Labels can be restrictive. Som etim es y ou need to stop thinking

about gender and sexuality and focus on the person. If y ou care about

them , if y ou feel good when y ou’re with them , if y ou’re hot for them …

then what does any of the rest of it m atter?”

“Try telling that to Mac.”

“I could… but m ay be you should.” Josh y awned deeply, and then

unfolded his slender fram e from the sofa and stretched, showing a few

inches of flat stom ach and his hipbones where his j eans dipped low.

“Any way, I’m off to catch up on som e sleep. Good night.”

“Night.”

Much later that night Jez was ly ing in bed, sleep eluding him as he

went over the conversation with Josh. It m ade a lot of sense. But Jez

couldn’t help feeling it would be easier to be totally gay or totally straight.

He couldn’t im agine explaining his bisexuality to his parents, for

exam ple. But then he didn’t need to—not unless he was ever in a serious

relationship with another guy.

His drifting thoughts were interrupted by the front door opening and

closing and the m uffled sounds of voices downstairs. He could hear

people m oving around in the kitchen beneath his bedroom and som eone

else com ing up the stairs.

The knock on his door startled him .

“Com e in?”

Jez’s room was in darkness, but the light from the landing showed

Mac’s broad silhouette as he paused in the doorway. Jez blinked, dazzled

by the sudden brightness.

“Sorry. You asleep?” Mac’s voice was a little soft around the edges

from alcohol, but he didn’t sound totally wasted.

“Obviously not. Are y ou com ing in or what?”

Mac cam e in and shut the door behind him . He stum bled in the

darkness, landing heavily on the edge of Jez’s bed. He flopped down and

rolled to face Jez, threw a heavy arm across him , and m oved closer so

that their foreheads were touching. His breath was warm and beery on

Jez’s face, and Jez wanted to kiss him so fucking badly.

Instead he asked, “What do y ou want, Mac?”

“You.” Mac let out the word in a long sigh. He brought his hand up to

curl around the nape of Jez’s neck; the pad of his thum b pressed against

Jez’s racing pulse.

Jez tried to ignore the thrill of excitem ent and hope that surged

through him . It’s not that simple, he rem inded him self.

It would be so easy to close the gap and kiss Mac, to get each other

naked and give in to the raw, phy sical desire that Mac inspired in him . But

that wasn’t enough for Jez any m ore.

Mac filled the silence of Jez’s thoughts. “I only went out tonight

because I knew if I stay ed in, I wouldn’t be able to keep m y hands off

y ou. I can’t help it. I can’t stop thinking about y ou—all the fucking tim e.”

“Mac, please….” Jez didn’t even know what he was asking for. This

was all very good for Jez’s ego, but terrible for his heart, because he

wanted Mac to want him for m ore than his body, or his cock-sucking

abilities, or his arse.

But Mac was on a roll now, and the words poured out of him ,

seem ingly unfiltered. “I don’t know what y ou’ve done to m e, but y ou’ve

broken m y dick. We went to this club, and Gem m a was all over m e on

the dance floor, and I didn’t even get a little bit hard. All I could think

about was y our stupid face, and what it felt like that tim e I sucked y ou

off, and how m uch it turned m e on, even though I never thought I’d like