Her Secondhand Groom (40 page)

“
Yes, well, it doesn’t make it any less true.” He raked his hand through his hair. “Juliet, it’s because I love you that I do the things I do.”

“
You mean manipulate me and try to make my choices for me?”

His nostrils flared. “I wasn’t trying to manipulate you.”

“
No?”

“
No,” he said. “I―I never meant to hurt you, Juliet, I was just―”

“
So in love with Abigail, you felt your loyalty lay with her?” she supplied for him.

He winced. “That’s what this is about?”

“
Of course it is. What did you think it was about?”

Color rose in his cheeks. “My use of French letters.”

Her eyebrows snapped together. “What?”

“
French letters, cundums, sheaths, they’re all the same thing,” he explained. “You’re not angry I didn’t tell you?”

She pursed her lips and sighed. “No. For as much as I should be angry with you for using them without my knowledge, I can’t fault you that. Had I been wearing my spectacles, I would have known. But since I wasn’t―” she shrugged― “I was at your mercy to keep me informed. And we both know that wasn’t an opportune time to mention it.” Heat rose in her cheeks at the memories of their intimate encounters. Now it made sense why it took him a few seconds to get himself ready for their joining. Usually during those moments she was too lust-fogged or coming down from her euphoric state of pleasure to take note of his brief absence.

“
So you’re not angry at me for omitting to mention that I was―”

“
No,” she said flatly. “For all your plethora of other faults, I know you’re not a liar, Drake. I know you would have told me had I asked.”

“
If you knew that, then what’s the problem?”

Rage built up in her chest at his casual tone. “The problem isn’t your use of French letters exactly, but the reason you were using them.”

His eyes narrowed. “I don’t understand.”

“
No, I’m sure you don’t.” She sighed. “It doesn’t matter, Drake. You’ve already made your decision.”

“
And which decision would that be?”

“
Your insistence that I not conceive,” she burst out bitterly.

“
I thought you said this wasn’t about the sheath.”

“
It’s not.”

He eyed her askance. “Are you sure, because it seems to me that we keep coming back to it?”

“
No we’re not,” she snapped. “The fact is, you don’t wish to have any more children. Not mine anyway.”

“
I never said that.”

“
Didn’t you?”

“
No. That’s not what I said. I never said anything about not wanting more children.”

Juliet’s mind raced to recall their heated exchange last week. She remembered him saying something about conception, then about his three daughters, but nothing specifically about him not wanting more children. She shook her head. “You may not have said anything about not wanting them, but I know the truth, Drake. You don’t want me to conceive because I’m not Abigail. You might think you’ve grown to love me, and you truly may, but I’m not her and the children I could give you―” She broke off, emotion choking her too tightly to continue.

Drake stepped closer to her. He lowered his lashes and swallowed. “That’s not the reason at all, Juliet. It’s not that I don’t want to have children with you, it’s that I don’t want to lose you.”

“
Lose me?”

He nodded. “At first I was afraid to get you with child because I was afraid my girls would lose another mother in childbed. That’s why I bought the French letters. But that’s not why I wore them. By the time we consummated our marriage, something had changed between us and I wasn’t so much afraid of the girls losing another mother, but selfish bastard that I am, I was afraid of losing the woman I love.”

Juliet’s heart softened a trifle and Drake wrapped his warm fingers around her hands. “Juliet, I always thought I loved Abigail, and don’t misunderstand, I did love her and I’ll always have a spot in my heart that belongs to her for giving me Celia, Helena and Kate, but I never loved her the way I love you.” He swallowed, and when he spoke again, his voice was thick, full of emotion. “I was eighteen when I married her. Far too young to know what true love was about. I thought I knew, but it wasn’t until I met you that I realized the difference. With Abigail, I found myself always looking out for her, and with you, I’ve found someone I’m looking squarely in the eye. You’re strong, confident, and far more intelligent than most. But more importantly, you suffer no inability to put me in my place. You’re my equal and I don’t want to lose you like I lost her.”

“
Just because she had complications and died during childbirth doesn’t mean I will, too,” she pointed out.

“
I know that,” he said softly. A minute, maybe two, passed without a single word passing between them. Finally, Drake took a ragged breath and spoke again. “Juliet, Abigail didn’t have any sort of complication except the one she inflicted upon herself. She didn’t want another child. Truthfully, I’m not sure she wanted any of them—” He broke off abruptly, and the glimmer of unshed tears in his eyes nearly broke Juliet’s heart.

“
How could—” She closed her mouth with a snap. Though she longed to know his reasoning, she couldn’t find a polite way to ask, and right now, he was too vulnerable for her bluntness.

“
How can I know she didn’t want the girls?” he answered for her. He swallowed. “I don’t. It’s only a guess. But a good one, I’d wager.” He twisted his lips. “In a way, Juliet, she was just like Olivia. They were both unbelievably spoiled by their families. Unlike Marcus, I was too foolish to see it. Abigail’s false charm and sly manipulations worked on me, and foolish, besotted lad I was, I indulged her, thinking that was the best way to show my love for her. But all that did was make it easier for her to keep her demeanor hidden.”

He raked a hand through his hair. “Juliet, the hard truth is, she was not a good person, but unlike Olivia, she went about hiding it better. Except with Caroline. She detested Caroline for something so silly it’s not worth repeating, but that didn’t stop her from openly treating her poorly.” He exhaled and cleared his throat. “What I’m trying to say is, Abigail was very good at manipulation, but underneath the petite body dressed in clothes that were the height of fashion, was an unloving shrew. I’ll never really know if she loved Celia and Helena; but I know for certain she didn’t want Kate, and the circumstances surrounding her conception do not shed a favorable light on me.” His hands tightened their hold of hers and he looked her straight in the eye. Though his gaze was unwavering, his tone was hoarse as he said his next words. “I didn’t force her, but you’d have thought I had the way Abigail grew to detest me those final months. Finally, she saw her chance to hurt me and took it. She didn’t have any sort of medical complication, she quit, gave up, stopped fighting. Whatever you want to call it, she turned her back on us. On me.”

“
You don’t know that,” Juliet said, squeezing his hands back as tightly as she could.

He sneered. “Yes, I do, Juliet. I was there. I was in that room. She had every opportunity to deliver a healthy baby, but she chose not to. She was so angry with me, she chose to lie there and let her life slip away until it was too late. All because she wanted to hurt me for a glib remark I made about her lack of willingness to share my bed in a bout of anger.”

Juliet blinked. Drake had always been so cautious with her about sharing intimacies and often waited for her to initiate their lovemaking. Sure, he’d do things to offer her pleasure without expecting anything in return, like that night in London. But sometimes it took some persuading to get him to let her enjoy his body as well. Not to mention the other night when he’d acted strangely after returning from London. It all made sense now. He wasn’t trying to shame her, or inflate his pride; he was genuinely worried he’d done something to make her grow to resent him. The hard wall she’d erected around her heart this past week crumbled. “I’m not like that, Drake.”

“
I know,” he whispered. He released her hands and cupped her face. “I know. You’re everything she wasn’t, Juliet. You’re strong, and confident. You’re a fighter. And more than any of those differences, I believe the biggest difference is you love me just as much as I love you.”

“
H-how did you know?” Juliet asked with a gasp. Not that it was a secret, but the fact he knew when she hadn’t told anyone stunned her.

He grinned, but didn’t answer. He removed his right hand from her face and reached down into his pocket. Without letting his eyes leave hers, he handed her a folded up piece of paper. “This.”

She took the parchment from his fingers, and glanced at the writing. “My note?”

He nodded. “You didn’t give up on me. You
did
indeed intend to come back and fight for what you wanted.” He flashed her a quick smile. “This all might be presumptuous of me, but I am Lord Presumptuous, so think of it as me just living up to my title. I think this says far more than any spoken declaration of love, Juliet. You weren’t giving up. You’d planned to come after what you wanted, and I’d be devastated if you said it wasn’t me.”

“
It was,” she said.

He wrapped his arms around her, and he pulled her close. “Now, will you go away with me?”

“
I can’t,” she said, ice chilling her veins.

“
Can’t?”

She broke eye contact. How could she possibly say what she was thinking? Obviously now that she knew he’d read her note, she couldn’t lie to herself anymore and say the reason she hadn’t gone back to Briar Creek was because he’d barred the door to her. They both knew his careless words alone wouldn’t have really kept her away. But how could she tell him the truth, that even if she―

“
I think I know what will change your mind,” Drake said, stealing her from her thoughts. He reached into his breast pocket and pulled out that bundle of papers he’d shown her downstairs.

Her heart thudded to a stop. The annulment papers? Why was he bringing those out? “Are we going to burn those?” she asked, ignoring his curious look at her quivering voice.

“
No. Why would we burn them?”

“
Because I’m not going to be your mistress,” she blurted.

He chuckled. “Good. But I didn’t ask you to be.”

“
Well, good,” she returned, crossing her arms. She looked around the room, grinding her teeth as her insufferable husband unfolded those blasted papers. “Would you just put those away already? I’m not signing them.”

“
Once again, I didn’t ask you to sign them.” He handed them to her. “Just read them.”

She snatched the papers from his grasp, and peered down at them. Her breath caught. “Am I reading what I think I’m reading?”

“
I believe so, but if you want me to take you back to London to visit Mr. Nills again, I can.”

She was too enamored with the lines on the page to respond to his humorless jest. Her eyes scanned over the endless description of the direction, followed by Drake’s full name, then two signatures, Drake’s and Mr. Sayas’.

“
Anything to say?” Drake asked when she flipped the page.

“
I had no idea your Christian name was Kirkpatrick.”

He scowled. “That’s the only thing on that paper you found of interest?”

She looked up. “I thought it was a rather fascinating fact,” she said without a hint of emotion in her voice. “I wondered how Lord Sinclair and Emma got the K for Jack from Patrick. Now I know.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yes, now the mystery has been solved. Kirkpatrick was my mother’s maiden name. I have never been called such, and usually say or write K Patrick whenever necessary. But that old codger, Mr. Sayas, wouldn’t sell me that cottage unless I signed it with my legal name.”

“
Well, I hope you have many years of happiness there,” Juliet said flatly.

He frowned. “What’s wrong, Juliet? Isn’t that cottage what you always wanted?”