Here at Last (27 page)

I nodded. “
It was
a head-on collision.
A drunk driver
jumped the median and plowed into him. Apparently, I called hi
m an instant before it happened.
”

“
I’m sorry.
I had no idea
.”

We lay quietly, and
I must have drifted off to sleep for a little while
. When I awoke,
Nicholas
was lying on his back
staring at the ceiling. He realized that I was watching him and looked over
at me
.

“Are you okay?"
he asked.

I sighed, taking stock of myself. "I feel
a little
better
.
” Then, I asked,
“
How hard are
the
holidays for you?"

"
They’re e
asier than they used to be. You make new tradition
s, c
reate new habits. After a while, it
starts to
se
em
normal
." I nodded, and he reached up to
run his
hand over my hair
. “You'll see."

I spent the next
few
days with
Nicholas
.
At first, I was concerned about imposing on him; however, we were both lonely, and he seemed to enjoy the company as much as I did.
O
ur shared experience of losing loved ones
provided
common
ground
for us
.
Aside from JT, I couldn't imagine anyone with whom I would
rather spend
the holiday. Nicholas was a perfect friend and confidante.

We
watch
ed
movies,
ran
errands,
and
went
for short walks
that would have been longer had it not been for the incessant cold
and
wind. We drove
to my apartment to pick up
some clothes and my toiletries
.
W
e made dinner
s
together and
talked
all the way until bedtime
about our work, childhoods, and past relationships
. Then, I would shower and get ready for bed
, climbing in on
the
left
side of his bed while he
took
the
right
. The first two nights, there were a few
moments
when it felt awkward being in bed with another man.

I had
no doubt
that
it was strange for
Nicholas
to be in bed with a woman who wasn't his wife.
It had been so long since he had held a grown woman in his arms that he
told me he’d
wondered if he ever would again. Yet,
Rachel
had been gone for
three-and-a-half
years,
and I got the sense that he was
nearing
a point where he was ready to share his life with someone a
gain.

As for me, it had been ten months since I
’d
lost JT. It was still the recent past, but I was coming to grips with the fact that I would never see him again
–
a
t least, not in this lifetime.
I wasn't
to the point where Nicholas was, yet,
but
I
hoped that I would
get there
one day.

It was on
December 27
th
, our
third night
together
,
that I asked him the question.
Nicholas
and I lay in bed
, his
arm
outstretched beneath my neck as
I
lay
beside him
.
“How do you remember me?"

Surprised, he
looked over at me before taking
in a deep breath and let
ting
it out slowly
. Then, he tu
rn
ed
his body
to face
me
.
“When I was in college, I
double-
majored
in
math
and religion
.
Based on
some of what I’d read about the about
the
power of
prayer and asking God
for what we need, I
created a list of all of the qualities that my ideal woman would have
d
own to every detail, including what she would look like
and sound like
.”

He smiled a little, and
I
listened attentively as he continued.
“I prayed
and
focused
very hard
on
find
ing
her
. After a few years,
when
she
ha
dn’t
come along, I decided that maybe
my idea
wasn’t going to
work. Maybe
asking
for “the perfect woman" was crazy
s
o I stopped. A few years after that, I met Rachel. She had
many
of the qualities that were on my list, and we
fell in love
. I decided that maybe the list
I’d
created was more of a guideline than an exact list so we got married. Fast forward a few years
,
and we had Hanna
h
.”
Nicholas
grew serious
. “And a few years later, I met you.”

A
shiver went down my spine
as I
tried to make sense of
what he was telling me
.
“I was the woman?”

He nodded.

“Are you sure?”

Looking into my eyes, he nodded. “Positive.”

“
Y
ou
saw
me
before we ever met
?”

“
Down to
every
last detail.
The strange thing is that you were born long before I ever envisioned you. So, I ha
ve
t
o ask myself
where the image of you came from. Unlike your dream
s
, I
saw you
very clearly. I'd memorized your face
and replayed it
a thousand
times in my head.”

I shook my head
.
“But you didn’t remember me.”

“I was too wrapped up in my
own grief,
”
he said.
“
When
I
finally
remembered
you in February
,
I couldn’t believe it and was trying to process it all
.
Then, when I saw you a few months later, you’d lost JT, and
it was
n’t
the right time
to tell you
. But I know you'
ve
wondered
why
I showed up in your dreams and how I knew you the first time we met
.
”

I closed my eyes
, remembering
. “I knew I
’d
find you
b
y the way you felt.
W
hen JT held me, it wasn't the same. He had a different vibe. But the first time you hugged me, it felt almost like it had in my
last dream
.”

“What was different?" he asked.

“About what – you and JT or the first time you hugged me
and
my dream?

He thought about it for a moment. “Both.”

“JT was strong and
protective
but
didn’t feel as
, I don’t know, nurturing
. There’s something very comforting about being in your arms.”

He reached over and stroked my hair
. “
And the dream?” he asked.

“In the dream
, your
hug
was
more relaxed and intimate
like you already knew me
.
Even though your face was a blur, I
felt
you very clearly.
The feeling
I got from
you was strong enough to have me break up with David and
keep my distance
from JT
when I worked
in San Diego.
T
oward the end of the dream,
when
you kissed me
,
it felt
…
."

My voice trailed off as
Nicholas
moved closer. My
heart began to race as his lips touched mine
, and I
closed my eyes
remembering
. "Yes
. T
hat’s it
.
”

Then, he
kissed me more
deeply
, pressing
his lips
against mine
.
I slid my hand up under his T-shirt and across his chest
and
felt
him
hard up against
me
. Suddenly, he stopped
and pulled back
. "I
’m sorry
. I shouldn't be doing this. You haven't had enough time.
"

I reached up behind
his neck
and pulled him back to
ward
me. Although I missed JT terribly, I felt
inexplicably drawn to Nicholas. He was
warm and
familiar and
protective
.
“It's okay,” I whispered before kissing him again. I reached my hand under his shirt and helped him pull it off over his head. Then, I reached down and
touched
him.

“Are you sure
you want to do this
?” he
whispered
,
sounding
uncertain
.

I nodded.
“
Yes
."

He rolled onto his back and removed his boxers. 
When he
turned toward me
,
he
helped me
pull
my
nightgown
up over my head
and tossed it toward the end of the bed
.
When I lay on my back, he p
ropped
himself
up
on his side
facing me
. He
looked into my eyes
and
touched my face before running
his hand down my neck and along the contours of my
body
,
watching
as I shivered and closed my eyes.

When
I
reached
down to stroke him
, he
moaned
and moved over me, straddling my legs.
I knew that he had
n’t
been with a woman like this
in
years, and I wanted him
to feel pure
pleasure. He was
so
hard in my hand
that I opened my legs and led him there, and he pushed his way inside of me. When I inhaled sharply and arched my back, he continued to thrust quickly, and I swallowed hard. I opened my eyes and saw him
holding himself above me,
watching me in ecstasy. Then, he lowered his chest to mine and kissed me. My hands were by my head, and he interlaced his fingers with mine as he went faster. My heart raced while his pounded until we both came.

Afterward, Nicholas
lowered himself down
beside
me and
draped one arm
across me
.
Kissing my cheek, h
e
looked into
my
eyes and
said softly
, “Are you alright?”