Here & Now (9 page)

Love, trust, utter devotion. The beat of my heart, the breath in my lungs. I want to give all of those things and more to her because she’s it for me.

We’re not only making love right now, we’re making history. Changing the way everything before this exact moment has been written.

With every move her body makes as it connects to mine, she’s solidifying her place. Reaching into the dark recesses of my bruised heart and mending it.

She’s making me whole.

Cadence

I’ve imagined this moment so many times in my head over the last year. The way it would feel being with Dillon for the first time. Anticipating the part where because it’s my first time it won’t exactly feel the best and how he would react to that, if it would make him want to stop or if he’d even care at all.

Not being with a guy before doesn’t make me stupid. I know how they are. You have the ones that take being with a girl super serious and they go out of their way to make sure that the person they’re with is comfortable and every need is met, and then you have the jerks that just don’t care.

The ones that just want to get laid and for a really long time, that’s how Dillon was. He admits it. He’s not shy about admitting that this is not his first time and that the other times he was with girls, there was no feeling involved at all. It makes the way I react to him, taking control and attempting to soften the outcome even more important.

I want this to mean something to him and judging by the way he reacts as he pushes himself inside me, it’s a whole lot different than any other time he may have had before it. He’s as aware of every single motion, movement and sensation as I am, only more concerned.

The second my body tenses from the pressure and the stinging sensation that follows, he freezes. He’s barely made any movement at all, but something about the way my body reacts stops him cold. His eyes find mine and the look he gives me, pulls at my heart.

“I’m hurting you.”

Shaking my head, I lift my body, wrapping my arm completely around his neck and pull him down to me. I may not be able to hear him, but that’s what is so perfect about this because he can hear me and what I have to say next he definitely needs to hear.

“Kiss it and make it better.”

Comparing the pain of being this way with him to a boo-boo a kid gets when they hurt themselves might seem wrong, but the tension, the fear I see on his face knowing how uncomfortable this is going to be for me, does what I need it to and eases it. The lines in his forehead begin to decrease as he brings his lips down to mine, catching them and bringing them into his own, while at the same time pushing himself deeper despite the sharp intake and release of breath that happens the second he does.

Stopping again, he looks in my eyes and lightens up when he finally sees what I hope is staring back at him. The worst is over. He’s broken the only barrier between us and now all I want is for him to move again so I can experience what comes next.

The point where two hearts beat in the same rhythm and our two souls combine.

“Baby, I’m gonna move now…” His breath hitches but he clears his throat, the struggle on his face speaking volumes about how worried he is. “But if it’s too much you need to tell me. I don’t want to hurt you.”

My eyes never once leaving his, I squeeze his shoulder and let him know without words that it’s okay. That I want him to move too because as wonderful as this moment is between us, the both of us completely still; our hearts no longer racing, I need more.

I need to know what it feels like to be taken over by the emotion we feel for each other until the secure walls we’ve surrounded ourselves in long before we even met are completely broken down and shattered.

Being with Dillon, I don’t want anything standing between us anymore.

His body shifts and he begins to move and while at first, my body still tenses and releases around him, the cry I let out at first is replaced by something different. A need for him to go a little faster, push a little deeper so he can erase the way it started altogether. The way it feels now, it’s magic.

Leaning forward, holding his body steady with the one arm he has firmly planted to the bed, he brings himself down until the feel of his kisses on my face, combines with the scent of us together , and the rhythmic flow of our bodies moving together completely takes over.

“You feel—this feels…God Caddy.”

It’s been said before that eyes are windows to what is really taking place inside ones soul and right now, Dillon is living proof. I can see the conflict there, the desire he has for me, the heat and the craving that comes from being this way with someone and it’s mixing with the sometimes overwhelming, definitely overpowering love he has for me. The way his body moves faster, only to slow down again, savoring every second.

I never imagined conflict being anything remotely beautiful, but in this moment it is because of why it’s happening.

“I’m never going to be the same.”

He’s right. He won’t be and neither will I. Making love, opening ourselves up this way, it’s going to irrevocably change us both forever.

What we have now, and what we’ll have from this second on, it’s going to be so much deeper. It’s going to transcend everything that came before it.

“We’re not meant to be the same, Dillon. We’re just meant to be.”

Dillon

I want to freeze time. Make it stay exactly the way it is now because it’s perfect.

Cadence is nestled in my arms, her body wrapped up in mine, my arms around her holding her tight enough for it to be secure, but not so tight she can’t breathe and it’s my version of perfection.

She’s been sleeping soundly this way for twenty minutes now and even though I know we can’t stay like this forever, that eventually we need to get out from under the sheets, I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m enjoying the way she feels being this close to me too much.

I promised Sarah I would have her home early. That even though I was putting together this elaborate night for her daughter, it wasn’t going to go against her rules. But the way I feel having her this way, it’s just proof I haven’t entirely changed because when it comes to tonight and the very real way her naked body is pressed so perfectly to mine now; I want to break every damn rule imaginable.

Taking her home and pretending we didn’t just share this life altering experience together, it’s going to be impossible. Now that I’ve been with her, been inside her, filled up so completely by her, there’s no way I can go back to the way things were before.

Everything is different now. I don’t want to spend another second away from her, which means things are about to get fucking messy.

She stirs in my arms and I grip her tighter, placing a soft kiss on her head as she moves again, this time more forcefully until I can see her eyes fluttering open as her head lifts up and they find mine.

“How long have you been watching me sleep?”

“The entire time.”

“Why didn’t you wake me?”

“Because it would have ruined the moment.”

The truth is, the way her breath felt on my chest felt amazing, not to mention how much softer her skin becomes to the touch when she’s completely at peace, all worry and stress completely forgotten about.

There was no way in hell I was waking her up and missing out on all of that.

“What time is it?”

“Ten.”

Her eyes widen and I know what it means. She’s realizing that her curfew is only thirty minutes away and if we want to make it, keep ourselves in Sarah’s good graces, we’re going to have to get up now and get moving.

“When’s check out?”

“Twelve hours from now, why?”

Lifting herself up, she sighs softly before smiling. “I don’t want to go home yet.”

“What are you getting at?”

“Can we stay the night?”

My head explodes, screaming at me to say yes when she asks the question. There is nothing I want more then to just stay here with her like this for the rest of the night, setting our phones to go off early enough to get her to school in the morning before heading to class myself, but I can’t do that.

Her mom’s angry face flashes through my head. The way she used to look at me whenever we crossed paths in the hall before I met her daughter last year. I can’t have her looking at me like that again, not when I’ve been doing everything to erase that look altogether.

“We can’t. Your mom.”

I hate being the fucking voice of reason, especially with the frown that appears on her face. She has no clue how badly I just want to throw caution to the wind and spend the rest of the night here, making love with her until the sun comes up. How much I want to make this moment right now last forever because I’m afraid when it ends, I’m going to find out it’s all been a dream.

“I can text her.”

Somehow I doubt a text is going to be enough for Sarah, but with how resigned she is to the idea of staying the entire night with me, I’ll be damned if I don’t want to give in and let her.

“Fine, but if she says we need to go home then we’re going home.”

My attempt at being stern and standing firm in my position here, it sucks. If I can see through my own lame attempt then there’s no doubt she can too, which means even if her mom says to come home and Cadence still wants to stay, I’m going to break and go along with it.

It can’t be wrong to want to spend the night with the girl I love after what we just shared together, can it?

Cadence

Mom: Are you having a good time?

Me: Yes. Can I stay out a little past curfew?

Mom: How much later?

Me: A couple of hours.

Mom: Caddy, no. I agreed to this date because it was something I thought the both of you needed, but you still have school.

Me: Please? I never ask you for anything. I just want to spend a bit more time with him. I’ll be fine for school I swear.

Mom: I said no. I want you home no later than 11.

When Dillon asked me what my mom said, I tried to lie. I told him that she was fine with me staying as long as I was at school in the morning, but he didn’t buy it. My so-called bad boy has definitely learned a lot about my mom in the last year, which meant it was only a few minutes and he had me spilling my guts.

I thought for sure when I finished showing him the texts, he would slide out of the bed and force me to go home. I obviously didn’t give him enough credit.

We stayed the night together, he didn’t put up a fight even though I know a part of him wanted to, and now we’re about to make our descent back into my house, knowing full well the wrath we’re going to experience once we come face to face with my mom.

I know what I did was wrong. I’m not a complete moron, but I’m also a teenage girl who is head over heels in love with her boyfriend. My mom; the relationship she has with my dad, she’s been there. Now I just need to make her see it and hope that she doesn’t take it all out on Dillon.

He’s not to blame for me going against what she wanted. I am.

Though not answering her five texts and the same amount of phone calls throughout the night, he was definitely going to pay for that. I’m just glad my mom seemed to understand at least a little what was going on because she never worried enough to call the cops.

Proving she has more faith in Dillon then I give her credit for.

Grasping his hand tight after unlocking the door, I open it and walk through and the second we’re in I see the light switch turn on above us and she comes out from around the corner nook leading into the kitchen.

She doesn’t waste a second. Her hands are moving and it’s so quick, I can barely keep up, let alone Dillon. Signing is still new to him even though he’s gotten pretty good at it. If I’m having this much of an issue keeping up, there’s no way he’s going to be able to.

“Cadence, kitchen now.” She says and when I move forward and turn to the side in order to get past her, Dillon moves with me, our hands still connected and that’s when she puts her hand out to stop him.

Freezing in place, I watch her lips move, this time slower, almost deliberately wanting me to be able to read them and I’m suddenly not so sure the kitchen is the right place for me.

“Stay where you are. I want to have a few words with you first.”

Turning her attention away from Dillon, she looks back to me and points again toward the kitchen. “Go, Cadence and don’t even think about arguing with me. Not after what you pulled.”

I’ve never seen her this upset. Well, no. That’s not exactly true. I’ve seen her in various degrees of upset, from sickened to angry, both for situations I’ve gone through and those with her students, but she’s never directed that at me. She’s never been this angry at me before. I feel bad that I caused this, but knowing why, it makes it hurt a whole lot less.

It’s selfish, but I’m not going to deny it. Spending the night with Dillon was worth what’s about to happen now.

Looking up, I catch Dillon’s eyes and they’re soft. The concern and worry I expected to see there, it’s not. All that’s there is the faintest trace of a smile which means he knows it’s worth it too. Having that be the last thing I see, it makes turning my back and doing what my mom wants a whole lot easier.

If Dillon’s not worried, I’m not going to be worried either.

Dillon

Not the first time I’ve dealt with parental disapproval and even knowing how different things are now and the reason for that change, I don’t think it’s going to be my last.

I was awake and aware of every single message she sent me last night while I was holding her daughter. Even when Cadence and I were caught up in each other, I was still aware of the vibration of the phone and how much shit I was going to be in the second I walked through this door.

The thing is, I didn’t care as much as I should have then and I don’t care now. At least not in the way I suppose I should. I’m nineteen years old and she’s not my mother. I respect the hell out of her, but there’s a point where that ends and when it comes to her daughter, the choice is going to be obvious, even when it’s the wrong damn one.

My need to have Cadence close will always win out over whatever else seems right at the time. I’m not right when we’re apart and last night proved that, among a million other things. I can definitely see where that might be a problem for Sarah, but it’s not enough to make me turn away from that need completely.

Like I said before, the change isn’t all the way through, obviously. I’m still an asshole.

“Do you want to tell me what the hell you were thinking keeping my daughter out the entire night when I specifically told you both that I wanted her back no later than eleven?”

I’m smiling and it’s gonna come back and bite me in the ass, but whatever. I wish my mom would have done this shit with me a few years ago. Maybe I wouldn’t have turned out quite so fucked up if she had been there to bring me back down to earth instead of trying to be taken off the earth herself.

“I’m sorry, Ms. T.”

“I find that hard to believe, Dillon. Not when even after I ask the question you’re continuing to smile. I don’t think you feel sorry at all.”

She’s right. I don’t.  I’m fucking head over heels for her daughter. I’m not a parent and if I’m lucky, I never will be, but I have to believe this is sort of an expected thing once your kid is a teenager. She had to see this shit coming.

I’m grinning like a god damned Cheshire cat because I had an angel in my arms and my bed for the last eight hours. Nothing is going to take that away from me. I don’t care how mad she gets.

“I know what we did was wrong, but she fell asleep and I didn’t want to wake her.” It’s not exactly total bullshit, but I can easily see that even if it was, she wouldn’t care. She’s definitely pissed. “I ended up falling asleep with her and by the time we woke up, it was like five in the morning.”

“You’re telling me that you woke up at five and it took you two hours to make your way from Kayden’s place to here?”

Come on Murphy, time to sling a little more bullshit.

“No. I’m not gonna lie. We probably could have gotten here sooner, but Cadence didn’t want to wake you.”

This much is true. We did wake up at five, but instead of getting out of bed, we spent over an hour just enjoying the feel of each other, making out for as long as we could, unable to go any further because of my lack of protection. Definitely don’t want to be giving her that kind of information though.

I can handle being yelled at. I don’t want to end up buried six feet under the house.

“I expected better from you—from the both of you.” She admits and I gotta say, this is enough to get to me. I know I screwed up, but hearing her admit I let her down, I hate that part.

The last thing I want to do is break her trust in me completely and have us go back to the way things were last year, no matter how elated I am that I spent the night with Cadence.

“I know you didn’t believe it the first time and I get why, but I mean it. I’m sorry. I didn’t set out to upset or worry you. I just wanted to spend some time alone with your daughter.”

This is the complete truth and I can tell by the way she sighs, but her face softens that even though I was acting like an asshole a few minutes ago, she can see the truth in my eyes now. Hear it in my words. If there’s one thing she does seem to understand, it’s how I feel about Cadence.

“I believe you, but don’t for a second think this excuses what you did. In fact, I think it would be best if you made yourself scarce now. I know how you feel about each other, but I’m not the type of parent to just let things slide. There needs to be a bit of separation here.”

Too late for that. This is something I’m not going to agree with. There’s no way after what we shared I’m walking away from her.

Over my dead body is that happening.

“I understand where you’re coming from, I do. I screwed up. We both did, and you’ve got every right to be mad, but Ms. T, what you’re asking; I can’t do it.”

“Excuse me?”

“You know how I feel about her. I’m not trying to disrespect you here; I swear, but asking me to stay away from her for a while, put space between us, I can’t do it.”

Hasn’t she figured out how much I need her daughter? How much better I am inside and as a person in general whenever I’m within a couple of feet of Cadence? How can she expect me to walk away from that just to prove to her that I’m the same guy she put faith in all those months ago? How can she want me to walk away from her daughter at all?

“I’m aware of how you both feel about each other, but you’re an adult now, so you need to look at this the way an adult would. Staying out all night, going against what I said, and then not even having the decency to call me back when you woke up in the morning? It’s not the way an adult acts.”

Another point I can’t deny. If I had stuck to my guns when she asked me earlier in the night how long we had the room for, none of this would be happening now. For a split second in time I wanted to do the right thing; the adult thing, but again, my feelings and need for Cadence overrode all of it.

I’ve got nothing I can say here to defend myself, other than complete agreement.

“You’re right, it’s not and it won’t happen again. Punish her, punish me if you have to, but please don’t make it be by tearing us apart.”

I don’t want to do it, but I can feel the emotion rising inside me, threatening to break to the surface. It’s not a selfish need that has me practically begging her to not take Caddy away from me. It’s the worry that if she does, I’m going to end up completely alone.

Something I just can’t be. As long as I have her, I have everything I need. Take that away and what do I really have left? A jailed father and an incoherent mother.

So basically nothing and it’s that point I make as I finally let it all flow through.

“Cadence is the only good thing I have left.”

Cadence

When my mom finally comes into the kitchen, I’m ready for her.

There’s a pad and pen sitting in the middle of the table, the reason for it being I know what she’s going to have to say is going to be long and winded and it would just be a lot easier on the both of us if we didn’t waste our breath when we can just as easily write and read.

I might have also done it because the disapproval in her eyes is going to be more than enough for me. I don’t need her speaking the words, seeing them and imagining the way she sounds added to it.

Do you want to explain to me what you were thinking pulling a stunt like that? I expect that kind of behavior from Dillon, he hasn’t had anyone care about his well-being in a very long time, but you? What possessed you to do something so reckless?

She can’t be serious right now. Has she met Dillon? Does she remember being a teenage girl at all? What kind of question is that? I think it’s pretty obvious what I was thinking.

Whenever we’re together, there’s always other people around. We wanted time to ourselves. Is that so wrong?

Yes it is. You could have easily had time alone and still made it home by curfew. There’s more going on here and since he wouldn’t tell me what that is, I’m hoping that you will.

What do you think happened, Mom?

I think that a lot more happened than just the two of you falling asleep and not paying attention to the time, which is the story your loving boyfriend tried to get past me.

She knows everything. The look in her eyes tells me she does, but I’m still not going to admit it. What happened between me and Dillon, I want to keep it mine, no matter how close I am to her.

You’re not even going to
deny
it?

So much for keeping it mine. I can’t do this. I won’t lie to her. What I did last night, that’s one thing, but to sit here and lie to her face? No way. Even if I did try, with as well as she knows me she would see right through it.

Shaking my head, her gaze lowers to the table and after what feels like forever, she finally looks up and the anger and total disappointment in her eyes is gone, replaced with something else.

Concern.

“Please tell me that you were at least smart enough to use protection?”

Cue the awkward conversations you never dream about having with your mom. I may have had the talk when I was a kid, but it’s just as awkward now as it was then. I definitely don’t wanna be doing this right now.

“We did.”

“Cadence…”