Here With Me (15 page)

I take a deep breath and think about how best to answer. Why haven’t I called my mom? Fear? Anger? I’m not really sure. “I would’ve, but after learning what I have and hearing Rask tell me about his parents reactions I just haven’t been ready, but you’re going to change all that for me, aren’t you?” I open my eyes and turn my head slightly to look at her. She was watching me the whole time, and I love it.

“We don’t get along, your mom and I.”

She has my full attention now, so I sit up and pull her hand into mine. I’m looking for any excuse I can find to touch her. “Why not?”

She laughs, but it’s not a happy one. Ryley turns to face me, bringing her leg up underneath her other one. She runs her hand through her hair, a tell-tale that she’s uncomfortable. “Well, when you died, Nate made sure I received your flag at your funeral for EJ since he knew about us being pregnant. Your mom didn’t like that. Nate reenlisted shortly after you passed away. Your mom didn’t like that either. The straw that finally broke the camel’s back was Nate and I pursuing a relationship.”

I squirm when she brings up her and Nate. She has to know I don’t want to talk about them, even though I have so many questions.

“I didn’t know, Evan. I swear on the life of our son. I would’ve waited for you.” Her voice breaks before she can finish her sentence. I don’t really give a shit if she’s engaged to another man, I need to hold her. I have her in my arms before she can protest. Not that I think she will. I know she loves me. I can feel it in the way her body molds to mine. We were made for each other and come hell or high water, she’ll be mine again. I don’t care who I have to hurt along the way to make it happen.

Her tears dampen my shoulder as I hold her in my arms. She cries quietly and my heart races when her hand clutches my shirt. I haven’t forgotten her signs. I know what she wants. I could be the man I feel like being and make a move, take her here on the couch, but I won’t, at least not tonight. Tonight has been too emotional and when I make love to her again, it’s going to be because we can’t keep our hands off each other. I’m thinking next week sometime.

I press my lips to her shoulder and pull her tighter to my chest. I need for her to know that I’m here for her and that I’m not going anywhere. I can’t imagine I’ll be deploying anytime soon considering that someone in the Navy told my family I was dead. They have to know questions are going to start being asked if they haven’t already. Carole will no doubt start picking apart our files.

“I’m sorry,” she says as she pulls away slowly. I chuckle lightly when she breathes in deeply. She tries to turn away, but I don’t allow her to. I guide her face back in my direction and look into her eyes, straight to her soul. Our love is still there, it’s just being somewhat blocked by her sense of obligations.

“As much as I want to blame you, I can’t. You did what you thought best for our son.”

She nods and slips away from me. I feel the immediate disconnect and that just fuels my hate for whoever set this mission in motion.

“How’s my mom with EJ?” I ask, changing the subject.

“She’s good. Livvie’s a good aunt. They just don’t talk to me.” She shrugs. “I’m used to it.”

I don’t even want to know what my mother’s excuse is for being cold to Ryley, but I’m going to make sure it stops tomorrow. If I hadn’t been gone, Ry would be my wife by now and I’d like to think we’d have another child running around the house. I look at her flat stomach and imagine her plump with my child. This time, I’d be here for everything.

“She shouldn’t be that way, Ry. I’ll talk to her.”

Ryley shakes her head. “She has her reasons.”

“I don’t care. You’re the mother of my child and that alone should make her worship the ground you walk on. You gave her another piece of me and as far as I’m concerned that puts you pretty high on a pedestal.”

She grins, covering her face. “You always put me on a pedestal.”

I lean back so we’re almost nose to nose. “I love you, Ryley Clarke, why wouldn’t you be there?”

“Even after all these years?”

I adjust so I’m facing her and hold her hand again. “I didn’t die, and I didn’t know they told you I died. We were getting letters and care packages. Aside from being knee-deep in something horrible, I thought you were waiting. I thought you were sending pictures and letters about EJ and you. We tried to come home, but every time we were told we were done, something would happen and bam we were in the heart of it all again. I wanted to be here. At times I thought about going AWOL, but short of walking into a village and getting captured, there wasn’t anything I could do.”

“I don’t blame you. I blame the Navy. Why did they do this to us?”

I shake my head. “I don’t know, babe, but I’m going to find out.”

We fall into a comfortable silence, the only sound coming from the clock hanging on the wall. I count each second that she allows me to hold her hand. It gives me hope that she doesn’t pull away or choose to sit on the other side of the couch, far away from me. She has to know that I’d want to touch her, kiss her even. What I really want to do is pull her to my chest, lay back and fall asleep with her in my arms.

“I should probably go,” I say abruptly, causing her flinch.

Ryley looks from me to the clock and back at me. “Stay.”

“Wh-what?” I ask, my voice breaking. The thoughts of being alone with her run rampant through my mind, but I know that’s not going to happen tonight. As much as I want to be with her, I don’t think she’s going to allow me to make a move. Being this close to her though is going to wear me down.

“We have to leave early and it’s already late. It seems pointless for you to drive all the way back to base, only to come back here in a few hours.”

“Where will I sleep?”

Ryley tries to hide her smile, and by doing so it only solidifies what I’m feeling. I have a feeling if I make a move, she’ll let me. The thought is tempting, but we’re both so damaged I have to make sure my timing is right. Everything has to be natural.

“We have a spare bedroom. I’ve already made up the bed.”

“Show me the way,” I agree because I can’t be away from her, even if I try.

SLEEP HAS NOT BEEN
my friend tonight. The red lights of my clock mock me while the numbers hardly move, yet each time I open my eyes I’m closer to the time when my alarm will blare and I’ll have barely slept. I thought having Evan in the house would guarantee me a good night’s sleep. I didn’t bank on me wanting to sit outside his door or wondering if every sound I heard was him moving around.

The smell of coffee is my final undoing. I know he’s awake and as much as I want to deny my feelings, I can’t. I don’t want to be away from him. Shutting him out earlier this week has been the biggest mistake I’ve ever made when it’s come to him. I should’ve brought him into our house and made it clear that he belonged here as much as I do. But I let my anger get the better of me. I let the negative emotion control my heart and now I’m paying for it. This past week we could’ve been finding a happy balance in our lives. Instead, we’re walking on egg shells.

A picture of me, Evan and Nate from high school sits on my nightstand, reminding me of the fucked up situation we’re in. We were so young when it was taken, we had our lives ahead of us and our futures within our grasp. The twins were so full of themselves, but with good reasoning. They worked so hard for everything, never taking a handout and now two brothers who were best friends are torn apart, and the common denominator is me. I’m hurting both of them. The thought of me being the cause of so much pain shatters my heart and even though Nate’s not here so I can talk to him about it, the least I can do is prepare him so he doesn’t have to endure the shock and devastation that I have. I pick up my cell phone and scroll through my contacts looking for the emergency number Nate put in there, before hitting the call button and bringing the phone to my ear as I wait for the beep.

“This is Ryley Clarke. It’s imperative that Nate Archer call me or come home. His…” my voice breaks, unable to complete the sentence that is going to both destroy Nate and make him so happy. “His brother is home,” I say, quickly hanging up. Honestly, they should’ve notified Nate the moment Evan got back to base. I half expected him home before now. We should probably be doing all of this as a family, but we’re not. Nate’s not here, Julianne doesn’t know and Evan and I are circumventing the issue hanging over us – my impending nuptials. He hasn’t asked and I haven’t volunteered any information. To be honest, I’m second-guessing everything. I’m not sure how I can marry one man when I’m in love with another. It was one thing when I thought my soul mate was dead, but now that he’s a living, breathing human it feels wrong to be engaged to another.

God, my life sounds like a science experiment gone wrong.

I shower and dress quickly, pulling my wet hair up into a bun. This is going to be as good as it gets for me today. Evan gets the make-up-free, messy-haired, dressed-in-yoga-pants-and-a-tank-top Ryley. At least yesterday he had a somewhat presentable version of myself and won’t think of me as a total slob. Tiptoeing past EJ’s door – I’ll wake him right before we leave – I make my way downstairs. My stocking feet mask my entrance into the kitchen, but my sudden intake of breath doesn’t. Evan is standing at the kitchen sink with one hand gripping the counter and the other arm bent. I’m assuming he’s holding his coffee cup. He’s shirtless and his shorts hang low, showing the top of his briefs. His muscles twitch, leading me to believe he knows I’m standing here, staring at him.

Evan hasn’t changed much since he’s been gone. His muscles may be a little more defined and he may be slightly thinner, but he’s still the same. He’s nothing like one would expect when reading about a long-lost lover returning and the woman not remembering the man she’s shared many nights with because I remember every single thing about him. One of these days I’m going to stop comparing my life to a romance novel or fairytale, but until that day comes I’m going to relish in a little fiction because it helps bury the ache my heart feels.

“Are you going to stand there and stare at me all morning?”

“If you allow me to, yes I am. I’ve missed you, Evan, and my memories haven’t done you justice. I can’t hide those feelings or turn them off.” I’m not sure where the sudden confidence comes from, but I like it. I know that keeping everything bottled up isn’t going to help us or me. I need to open up, regardless of how much it’s going to hurt me, him and Nate. The fact is, we’ve been thrown into a complicated situation with no answers. Our lives are being turned upside down with hearts shattering.

His back holds my gaze as he lifts his cup to his mouth. Every muscle in his back moves creating these obscene ripples, making my heart race. He laughs, knowing that I’m standing here and staring. He remembers my fascination with his body and is using it to his advantage.

I huff and walk over to the coffee pot only to find my cup already poured. Closing my eyes I try not to let this small gesture or the smell of his cologne get to me. He’s done this many times before and he wouldn’t know not to do it because he hasn’t been here. It’s still habit for him. I know he’s being the Evan that I love, but I’m committed to Nate. I can’t let my love for Evan taint what Nate and I have built. I just can’t, even though I have no doubt everything with Evan would be so much better than it was before.

“Who’ll watch Deefur while we’re gone?”

He says “we’re” and I try not to show him that his words have any effect on me. After taking a sip, I set down my mug. “Lois and Carter will. They don’t live far.” He stiffens, and I’m sure it’s at the mention of Carter who is Nate’s best friend. Everything from now on will be nothing but awkwardness.

“They’re still together?”

I nod. “Yeah, they have a daughter, Grace. She’s a year younger than EJ.”

Evan chuckles and pours the rest of his coffee down the drain, running water to watch away the residue. “I’m sure Lois already has EJ marrying her daughter.”

“You know it,” I say, following his actions. “Did you go back to base?”

He turns, resting his hip against the sink. He smiles as his eyes rove over me. His hand comes up, pushing a piece of hair behind my ear. The chills are instant and as much as I want to fight my response to him, I can’t.

“I needed to shower,” he says slowly and I’m reminded that he said he planned to play dirty. I look away, swallowing hard, only for his finger to slide under my chin to bring my face back to his. He leans forward, and I know he’s going to kiss me. I should move away, but I’m telling myself that he has a hold of my face, so I can’t.

Evan’s hand moves gently across my face, his fingers spreading wide as he holds the back of my neck in the palm of his hand. His lips are soft and move easily across mine. Everything about this kiss is familiar, yet so very new and unexpected. As much as I want to keep going, I can’t. When I pull away, his lips rest against my forehead as my hands clutch the waistband of his shorts.

“I’m not sorry,” he whispers against my skin. “As far as I’m concerned, we’re together. We didn’t break up unless you want to break up with me now.” He pulls back and looks at me with a glint in his eye.